Yeah, what a dick. Ye [muffled] i sir, sir, we have a problem. What now . The former director of Homeland Security it attacked the guards, got out of its holding cell. My god, are you telling me yes, sir, it broke out of prison. Es, [glass shattering and low rumbling] [screaming] scr captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com by from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show. Im trevor noah. Thank you so much for tuning in. My guest tonight with a new album big fish theory, rapper Vince Staples is here, everybody joining us on the show. cheers and applause but before we get started, we have to take a moment to acknowledge what happened this morning in virginia. Now, you probably know what im speaking about by now, but a man armed with a rifle shot five people, including republican congressman steve scalise. Now, were it not for the Capitol Police on the scene, the situation could have been much worse. And, honestly, for me personally, what was heartwarming to see today was members of Congress United as human beings. We are united. We are united in our shock. We are united in our anguish. An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us. Its in the family. Its an injury in the family, for the staff and for our colleague. Its deeply personal. We know each other. Often our families know each other. And despite all the differences you see on display, many of us are friends with each other. Most people dont realize we actually get along under that dome. One of the nicest things said to me was one of my democrat colleagues came up on the floor after speaker ryan and leader pelosi spoke, and she said, i tried texting you. I tried calling you to see if youre okay. Trevor i wont lie, watching all those congresspeople speak like that really made me hopeful. And im glad they found what was right way to respond. So, kudos to all of them. Oh, and if you want to know how not to respond, its like this as you saw, the one sign this guy was holding, you had an increasing intensity of hostility on the left, whether it is somebody holding up a a socalled comedian holding up, you know, the president s head in blood, or right here in new york city, a play that shows the president being assassinated. Or its democraticleaning. National politicians who are so angry they cant they have to use vulgarity because they cant find any common language. This intensity has been building, i think, since election night. With respect, though, even if everything you are saying is true, to talk about it in those kind of terms of left and right right now in the wake of it, does that make sense . Does it make it worse . Do you want to know the truth . Well, but do you rise above it and say no. Trevor look at newts face. You can see in that moment he felt betrayed. He was like, i didnt come to fox news to get housed on moral standards. Come on i came to fox news to be me so, that was the start of the day. This day has been insane because towards the end of it, we found out that bob mueller is officially going to be investigating donald trump for obstruction of justice. cheers and applause which is insane. I dont know what this means. I dont know where its going. I dont even know how i feel about it right now. All i know is before we make a show about it, we will wait to see what trump tweets at 3 00 a. M. laughter and well talk about it more tomorrow. laughter so lets move on to some other news and talk about sexist men getting fired. As you may have heard, uber has not exactly been getting a fivestar rating recently. Theyve been dealing for months with accusations of Sexual Harassment and discrimination, which is why this week the board of uber announced that cofounder and c. E. O. Travis kalanick will be stepping away for a while. And it was especially awkward because his dramatic exit did not go as planned. You know, he was trying to be crazy with it. He was like, i dont need any of you, so goodbye haha in two minutes applause laughter yeah. Hold on, now its five minutes. Hold on. Why is he calling me . Hello . Where are you at . Yeah. Im at the uber building. laughter how do you not know where the uber building is applause now, after kalanicks announcement, uber had a staff meeting to discuss the need to change its culture and to add a second woman to its board of directors. Good ideas. Now, at the very moment when youre talking about sexism, whats the one thing a dude should definitely not make a joke about . Listen to this astonishing exchange obtained by yahoo at a staff meeting between uber Board MembersArianna Huffington and david bonderman. Theres a lot of data that shows that when there is one woman on the board, its much more likely there will be a second woman on the board. Actually, what it shows is its much more likely to be more talking. Audience ooooh trevor oh you can tell this guy works for uber because he does not know when to shut up. laughter seriously. How stupid is he . The sexist insult is bad enough, but interrupting a woman who is talking about sexism to make a sexist insult thats like bill cosby trying to slip quaaludes to the judge at his trial. Thats what thats like. And even bill cosby knows better than that. Even he knows better. Although, although, yesterday, out of nowhere, cosby did something he was he was coming out of court, and he did something that was super weird. As he was leaving the court, cosby mimicked one of his characters, fat albert. Mr. Cosby, any comment about the jury deliberations . Hey, hey, hey trevor what are you doing . laughter like, what are you doing . Now i cant stop imagining fat albert rufieing mushmouth. So that was weird. And this uber guy making that sexist joke, that was weird, too. I mean, guys, can we all just agree . Its 2017. Men like this saying these things about women, they dont belong on corporate boards, you know. applause yeah, they dont. They belong in the white house. laughter for more on this, im joined by someone who has been in many ubers, michelle wolf, everybody cheers and applause michelle, id love to get your thoughts on this. What do you think . Well, trevor, looking at this whole uber saga, im just glad this board member resigned. Trevor obviously, because hes sexist. No, because hes an idiot. laughter the least he could have done is play it off like, women talk too much. Is what a sexist would say. And thats not me. Im not sexist. I saw wonder woman. Who needs a tampon . laughter trevor you know, michelle, the truth is, his joke wasnt even funny. Women talking too much is such an old, played out stereotype. Oh, no, my friends, that stereotype is still somehow everywhere. Its like Ryan Seacrest it just keeps popping up. laughter the truth is, men talk way more than women, statistically. Professors at princeton and brigham young, two very smart schools, did a study about how much women talk in meetings versus men. And guess what they found . Men talk more than women. Men treat talking like they treat farting when they do it, its just part of their day. But when a woman does it, its like, ewww burn that farting whore. laughter trevor oh, geeze, michelle, you have some mean exboyfriends. Exboyfriends . That was my grandfather. laughter it seems like a lot of men just dont like when women talk. Maybe thats why they interrupt us so much. And it doesnt matter how important of a woman you are. Even the women on the Supreme Court get interrupted more than the men do. Thats not cool. Stuff like this is exactly why people got so mad when they saw Kamala Harris getting interrupted recently. Kamala harris, the former attorney general of california, pressed attorney general Rod Rosenstein during his testimony before the Senate IntelligenceCommittee Last week. She was scolded. Then at todays hearing, the same thing happened. Im asking im unable to answer these questions and you would rely on that policy mr. Chairman. Did you not ask your staff to show you the policy that would be the basis for you refusing to answer the majority of the questions mr. Chairman, the witness should be allowed to answer the questions. Senators will allow the chair to control the hearing. Senator harris, let him answer. That is so frustrating every time a woman gets close to finishing, men are like, thats enough. Were done here. laughter applause no i wasnt done let me finish trevor i feel like youre not talking about the senate anymore . Oh, well done, detective trevor. laughter the point is men have had their turn to talk, and they used it to get us into wars and financial crises and windowless vans. laughter so if theres anyone who needs to be interrupted, its you so just shut up for a second and let us drive cheers and applause trevor thank you very much, mi i wasnt done laughter let us drive the metaphorical car that is society okay, i should have been done. That would have been a better out. Lets stick to those ads you can talk now trevor thank you, michelle. Michelle wolf, everyone. Well be right back. Well youre really gonna hate the new ipad pro because you can do pretty much everything with it, like type. Hate it. Or take notes. Hate it. Or even multitask. Multihate yeah. You can do all the things you hate. Great. low backgro music music intensifies a refreshing combination of vitamins and electrolytes. Vitaminwater. Drink outside the lines. Its a lightly fruit flavored, under 95 calorie, spiked sparkling water. So now you can make the ultra light choice. Henrys hard sparkling. The ultra light choice. In all kinds of conditions. Like the ocean, the sun. In the pool. And even 100degree heat. Stays on in 7 conditions banana boat. Weve got you covered. There are no shortcuts. Making the best tequila in the world is all about putting in the time. The way weve been doing it for 145 years. Tequila herradura. Hey youve gotta see this. Cno. N. Alright, see you down there. Mmm, fine. Okay, what do we got . Okay, watch this. Do the thing we talked about. What do we say . Its going to be great. Watch. Remember what we were just saying . Go irish see that . Yes im gonna just go back to doing what i was doing. Find your awesome with the xfinity x1 voice remote. Trevor welcome back to the daily show. Now, today wasnt all bad. There were also some exciting things that happened. First, after more than 20 years and this is real fox news announced they will no longer be using the slogan fair and balanced. laughter yeah, i guess after all this time, they were just like, who the bleep are we kidding . Come on. And there are some great new slogans that theyre considering at fox. One is for chance old people. Another one they have is ruining thanksgiving since 1996. And i think the oddson favorite is no espanol. laughter applause thats it. So well see what wins. But that wasnt the only nice thing about today, because you know what june 14 is, people, yeah . Its President Trumps birthday everybody sing. Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you you guys are out of tune. Youre out of tune. Its oooo wo, you guys are harsh. Its his birthday. The man is 71 years young today, people. Everyone should be celebrating him. In fact, everyone is celebrating. I personally saw thousands of muslims in new jersey celebrating on rooftops. It was unbelievable. Hes 71 years old. That is impressive, yeah. And i feel like i can relate to him, because since he took office, we all feel 71 years old. laughter i feel like weve aged so much. applause the big question, though the big question, though, is what do you get the man who grabs everything for himself . laughter well, the democrats have an idea. Nearly 200 Democratic Congressional leaders are filing a lawsuit against President Trump over his business dealings with foreign governments. It is the largest number of lawmakers ever to sue a president. Accusing trump of violating the emoluments clause. Trevor i like how he says emoluments clause, like weve always known what that is. Can we all just agree, its not a normal word emolument. It sounds like something dr. Evil would say, emolument. laughter it sounds like an ingredient that someone is allergic to. Oh, does this have emoluments in it . Oh, man, i need to go to the hospital. Oh, my tongue. Emoluments my tongue, oh, my god. Thats why this lawsuit is so unfair to trump. I mean, its hard to say, and he has to learn what the emoluments is. Now, i totally know what it is. I mean, that was my thing when i was growing up. You know, i was the emoluments guy. laughter the kids back home in africa were like, hey, trevor, the emoluments guy. And i was like, yeah, mr. Emolument. So, like, i mean, i know what it is, but for those who dont, like, what is it again . It is the premiere anticorruption provision of our constitution. It forbids the president from taking any payment, benefit, advantage of any kind whatsoever, without the consent of congress any payment, benefit from a foreign government. Trevor right. I like how the founders wrote the clause to say any payment of any kind whatever. Like, they specifically anticipated donald trump trying to weasel out of it. laughter like, the founders were just just there, like, no emoluments of any kind. No emoluments of any kind. Just a little . Any kind, whatever laughter any kind at all cheers and applause but, seriously, though, couldnt the democrats have waited until next week to sue trump . I mean, no one should get sued on their birth date. Trump is probably all excited. They bring out a big cake, and then he thinks a stripper is going to bust out, but instead she jumps out and shes like, youve been served applause you know, this is going to be so horrible. Although, to be fair, maybe the reasons the democrats got trump this particular birthday present is because, like any good giftgiver, they just listened for clues to what hes really into. Donald trump loves to use the courts. He loves to sue. Were going to have people sue you like you never got sued before. Univision im going to have to sue univision now. We can sue them. We just sued them for 500 million. Ill probably sue rosie because she doesnt tell the facts. He was born in canada, so i will bring that lawsuit if he doesnt apologize. Now, weve all been sued in business. Even papa johns, probably. People sue to get their money back. They sue for this. They sue for that. They sue for a million different reasons. So, what well do, i guess well sue them. Lets sue them, right . Lets sue them. applause trevor trump talks about lawsuits like hes ordering a side of fries, doesnt he . Should we get some . Yeah, im going to get some fries. Im going to get some fries. Should we get some fries . Im going to get them for the table. Yeah, put them right here, right here yeah, were all going to sue. Were all going to sue. Listen, i dont care you who are, a lawsuit is a terrible thing to get on your birthday. Thats why we at the the daily show got President Trump a gift he will actually like an entire president ial library dedicated to his tweets. Thats right. We care. We care, people. applause this is a real place you can visit. Its going to be at 3 west 57th street, right across from trump tower. It will be this weekend, free and open to the public. And, President Trump, you are invited to our grand opening. Hopefully, well see you there. cheers and applause so, yeah. Happy 71st, mr. President. And on your big day, keep one thing in mind youre never too old to switch careers. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause [woman] we did it. Well be right back. cheers and applause [man] were campers. Look at us. Look at us. Its so nice to get out of the city. Its so. Quiet. Is it, too quiet . Its awful. Yeah. Feel at home, pretty much wherever you are. Tmobile is americas best unlimited network. Wwell, its just abolike a real pencil, . So when you write on the new ipad pro, theres basically no lag. Whats the big deal about a little lag . Wait whats happening . Laaaaaaagggg you wafail to make the varsity team. . Start your career as a walkon. Take a perfect team and blow a perfect season. Spend 108 years as, a lovable loser. Be on the wrong side of the biggest upset in your sport. You really wanna know the secret to victory . announcer heartbreak for matt ryan who is in utter disbelief. Defeat. Yeah alright, again. Banana boat®, the sunscreen that stays on in 7 conditions, introduces dry balance™. Its unique formula absorbs excess moisture and helps leave you feeling dry and fresh. Banana boat®. Weve got you covered™. Thanks for tnorfolk around and i just wanted to say, geico is proud to have served the military for over 75 years roger that. Captains waiting to give you a tour of the wisconsin now. Couldve parked a little bit closer. Its gonna be dark by the time i get there. Geico®. Proudly serving the military for over 75 years. Trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is a critically acclaimed hiphop artist whose new album is called big fish theory. Please welcome Vince Staples. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the show. Who gave you this . Trevor who gave me this . I made this for myself. I need one. Trevor im going to make one for you. I was like, thats the album cover, and im like, ill just make it myself to put on a thing to show the people. I appreciate it. Trevor thats effort. Thats what that is. Its all about effort. Thats what life is about. Trevor welcome to the show, man. Big fish theory, im fascinated. What is the big fish theory . I mean, it depends. One thing i look at music as is something that is digestible for the people who want to partake with it. So, when you go to a museum, when you see a painting on the wall, usually, on the side of it, it has the ayersts name, when they created it, the name of the piece. As far as with my music, i dont ever want to tell somebody exactly what its about because its what it means to them. They can figure it out. Trevor for me it means teach a man to fish, and he will eat forever. Give him a big fish and hell be like, i dont know if i like fish. Exactly. laughter trevor it depends on how you see it. Now, how did that make you feel . Trevor it made me feel good, vince. laughter applause thats what that is. applause what was interesting was at one of the launch parties, you gave people goldfish. They were actually beta fish. Beta fish last for two weeks. You dont really have to feed them much. Trevor what do you mean, wait, lets go back. You said they last for two weeks . Yeah, fish dont live that long. Trevor you cant say fish last for two what do you mean . Well, i mean, if you have a fish in a tank not like a tuna or something crazy, unless you have money like that, or Something Like that. What im saying is beta fish for the c