Sometimes you see an awesome preview for a movie you know is horrible, but you want to find out how it ends. Well, now you dont have to, because i love watching awful movies. Ill tell you how theyre gonna end in a new segment were calling spoiler alert. This weeks film is an underrated little gem called orphan. I gotta tell you, this thing had me at frame one. Now, they dont adopt this crazy chick till about 45 minutes in. Yeah, shes just up in the attic. Shes painting. She can paint really well. Oh, the moms a great pianist too. Did i mention they have a deaf daughter . They have a deaf daughter. Kids who hang out with adults are [bleep] freaks. And they become instant best friends. Were best friends. Ill learn sign language. How long should that take . Apparently like a half a day. And the dads like, oh, i dont believe you, woman, that ive known my entire life. I believe this girl that we just met. She never wants to go to the dentist either. Shes like, dont take me to the dentist. And theyre like, okay, you dont have to go to the dentist. Anyway, kids start dying every left and right, people are dying. And one night hes pounding them back, and the kid starts to go, like, rub the father in a real sexy way. And ill be honest, she looks good, i think. To be quite honest, i forgot that part. No, you cant jerk me off. Youre my adopted kid. Meanwhile theres a deaf kid just running around the house the whole time. Cant hear anything. The worst thing when youre trying to be sneaky is not know that youre [bleep] heavyfooted. Knocking over [bleep]. Its like, oh, you should have let that chick touch you. I gotta wrap this up. By the way, its snowing outside. Its really cold. If i ever [bleep] said to my family, oh, mom, i dont want to go to the dentist. Shed be like, tough [bleep], we have health insurance. All right, lets go. And theyre fighting underwater. And starts just shooting blindly into the ice. A deaf kid dies way before the black guy. Its not a kid at all. She has some weird dwarfism, and shes 33 years old. Oh, theres the shot of the kid floating to the bottom. This concludes this weeks spoiler alert. [applause] yes. Each one of you owes me 12. Okay, next weeks show, wow. We give the make it show girl a web redemption. I woke up everyone, okay . I didnt mean to. I just wanted it to snow. Oh, my god. Such a typical alpha kai omega. Am i right . Oh, they are all the same. Hey, make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. Check out my tour schedule and keep up with our daily blog at comedycentral. Com tosh. 0. Lastly, the Winter Olympics are coming to a close. Thank goodness. Maybe now colbert will stop yapping about how he sponsored the u. S. Speed skating team. Big deal. We sponsored a team too. But since our show has a budget of zero dollars, we couldnt afford any american teams. So for the price of a cup of coffee, we found out you can sponsor the iranian ice dancing team. Death to america. Good night. [cheers and applause] from cod news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We have a good one for you tonight. Newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but lets begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. Weve had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70 of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lords birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or youre [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. That was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. This is the thing about atheists, they bully other religions. Theyre trying to put their hands in my religion. Its about being intolerant to the nature of tradition in this country. This ends up being about bullies. Theyre being bullies. What are christians supposed to do . Turn the other cheek. Oh, oh, no, wrong jesus, my friend. There is a problem in america with the christian forces being weak. Thats right. Im telling you, bill, wimpy pastors produce wimpy christians. They see jesus as this little wimpy guy who walked around plucking daises and eating birdseed. [laughter] jon plucking daises and eating birdseed . I think youre thinking of russell brand. Its a common mistake. To think of him. No, the truth is i think even most nonchristens dont particularly care that for about 10 of every year the public sphere is dominated by this one particular religious celebration in the same way christian dont care that people say happy holidays and seasons greetings because you dont always know the religion of the person youre greeting. Merry christmas and they say back to you [inaudible]. So you dont know. So what are these atheist bullies want . Im assuming a dictatorship of godlessness. Were stopping the government from preferring one religion over another. We demand equality from the government and its our constitutional right. You should be demanding it along with me. Jon yes we should because you are perhaps technically correct, although im still not sure how your local manger scene Enforcement Program is going to get you to that goal. But you know what, maybe that godless man is right. Maybe the government should force communities to make sure all religions are given exactly, exactly equal treatment, even lutherans. Perhaps as i setle into my normal midshow nap, i can ponder what a wonderful, equitable world that would be. [snoring] [speaking in a ghost voice] jon, jon jon who are you . [speaking in a ghost voice] im the ghost of christmas past. Jon why are you dressed as a kinky zombie . Your ghost form is always wearing what you die in. Jon did you die from autoerotic asphyxiation . Is that how. No, jon, i was hit by a bus. Okay. I was on my way to a. Yes. Okay. I was. [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice] but its time to look at your past. Take my hand, jon stewart. Jon jon we will fly. [speaking in a ghost voice] we will fly, fly, fly, jon. Jon fly. [speaking in a ghost voice] fly, fly. Jon this feels a lot like walking. Where are we . This is going to be exciting. Oh, my god, thats my old middle school. [speaking in a ghost voice] thats right, jon stewart, behold. I have a millennium falcon for christmas. I got an electric guitar. I got a new bike. Hey, jon, what did you get for hanukkah . I got a pomegranate. A what . A pomegranate. Its a fruit. You eat the seeds. What kind of dweeb eats seeds . It was the second night. We always get fruit. [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice] good times. Jon no, not good times. Everybody made fun of me because i brought fruit in. It had a lot of vitamin k. Jon who are you . Seriously . How long have i worked here . Jon new york i mean, in the bit, who are you . [speaking in a ghost voice] i am the alternate ghost of christmas past. What if you had your wish and being a jew at christmas wasnt weird and all religions were treated the same. Jon i dont know, it sounds great. These gifts are great. But you know what would be even better . 5,000year tradition connecting me to my ancestors. Thats what i really wanted for christmas. Hey, jon. After school can we come over your house and help you light the menorah . Its a pretty meaningful tradition. Okay. You can come. [cheering] well have dreidels and hypoallergenic lat cas. Jon, do you see how popular you could have been. Is that really what you wanted . Jon yes. And theyre all having pomegranates. But jon, your suffering builds character. Think of all the survivor skills you developed as a putupon minority . Jon like what . Low selfesteem, selfloathing, the inability to connect emotionally to your fellow man. Did you mention selfloathing. Jon sure, sure. You went on to succeed in the one field that rewards those qualities. Jon comedy. Bingo jon being a sad, isolated jewish kid was the best thing that ever happened to me. I cant believe. [speaking in a ghost voice] not so fast. Thats right. Deal with it. Jon all right. [speaking in a ghost voice] i am the ghost. Jon what kind of oldtime ghost carries a smartphone . Its a blackberry, jon, this thing is ancient. Jon all right, all right. [speaking in a ghost voice] im the ghost of Christmas Present if that popular boy grew up in your place. Behold. Jon oh, my god. I could have been. Thats right, americas third jewish president. Uhhuh. And thats not all. Mr. President , signing this bill will end poverty in the United States. Jon end poverty in the United States. Well, ill do it, but ill make it quick because, as you know, ive got a super bowl to win. America versus al qaeda, and im the quarterback. I could have been a president quarterback . Yep. What else were you going to do when you quit the e street band. Jon mother [bleeped]. Oh, my god, are you serious . Im so serious. Jon i could have been president. Not bad for a 56 kid from central jersey. Jon wait, say that again. Not bad from a foote six kid from central jersey. Jon im not 56, im ninth foof seven. Not in this world youre not. Im glad to be a jew at christmas. Im glad to be a jew at christmas. Im glad to be i justed that craziest dream. And it taught me that christmas belongs to all of us because all of us can find something in it to be angry about. You there, boy . Yes, sir. Jon what day is it . Today . Why, bit christmas day, sir. Jon then its not too late. Here, take this. Take this coin. I will. Thank you. [laughter] how did you ever become quarterback . Jon how did i ever become quarterback president . I got it right here, sir, lovely coin. Jon take this and go buy me the biggest peking cut in all of china town. That i will, sir, that i will. Jon then you and me are having chinese food and going to the mother [bleeped] movies. Really . Jon yeah. Quick question, sir. May we go see jack reacher, sir . Yes, absolutely. Old man stewart. Jon its going to be the best christmas for a jew, ever. Mazel tov, guvnor, mazel show. Now, if you looked at the calendar today or talked to anyone, you know its a very special day, 12 12 12, the day the mayans prophesized as the beginning of the shift that culmination in the end of the world on 12 21. Or so i read in idea new age book [bleeped] monthly. The crystals article is somewhat controversial. The mayans were clearly not the best at predicting when civilization would end. Mayans. How scared should we really be . What could happen between now and december 21st that could trigger global annihilation . North korea today entered the space age. Apparently they put a satellite into orbit. [speaking north korean] people in the capital seemed to welcome the news. Jon something about that outdoor jubilant crowd didnt seem quite right, like the fact that theres nobody outside thats not in the crowd. But its not a very big crowd and they all seem to be around the same age and they appear to have been waiting for someone to tell them to commence with the jubilance, perhaps at gunpoint. Must be nice to be able to gather a group, you know, who can be forced to cheer for you no matter what. [cheering and applause] suck on that, kim jong. Not that i have any idea what that would be like, but let me try with it this crowd. Hey, everybody. Tonight fiefts night of hanukkah. [cheering and applause] that was kind of fun. Not you, them. Give them a chance. Hey, everybody. Ive got a potato we can chair. [cheering and applause] im starting to not trust their response. Hey, everybody. Ive got chlamydia. Seems somewhat scornful. By the way, sources say the United States was taken by surprise by the missile launch. Well, funny story, heres what we were up to just the day before. Today the u. S. Air force launched a top secret they call it unmanned spacecraft. Kind of like a space drone. Officials arent saying much of anything about this thing, but the experts say its likely testing out new equipment for spying. Jon yeah, guess what [whispers] not working. Im not especially worried about north korea. We all know when the world ends, it will be an asteroid that does us in. On that score were totally safe. Close encounter of the asteroid kind. Two asteroids buzzed earth, one of them passing inside the moons orbit. Nasa says the 120foot wide rock came within about 140,000 miles of our planet. This is the scary part, no one knew this asteroid was coming until a couple days ago. Kind of snuck up on us. Jon snuck up on us . [laughter] its not a puma. Its a giant [bleeped] rock hurdling through space. Can we not see anything coming our way . How is it weve got this massive Spy SatelliteHomeland Security apparatus and apparently the only thing weve gathered reliable footage of is what every Single Airline passenger looks like naked. You know, i dont think theres any getting around it, asteroids flying all around us, north korea launching rockets, what else can that mean if not the end of the world. Unless. Wait a minute. Let me get another look at that north korean rocket launch. Zoom in on that. Oh, my god north korea sent bruce willis to blow up the asteroid. North korea saved the world. So thats what they were celebrating. [speaking north korean] dont want to close my eyes i dont want to fall asleep because i miss you babe jon were all going to live. Well be right back. Who helped make slea difference last yearose for thousands of california foster kids. Thank you for helping foster kids. Thank you for the school supplies. Thank you for the new shoes. Thank you, secret santa. And thank you for donating money. Your generosity proves that while not everyone can be a foster parent, anyone can help a foster child. Thank you. Thank you. Gracias por su ayuda. Thank you. Jon welcome back. My guest tonight, hes the mayor of newark, new jersey. Please welcome to the program mayor cory booker. [cheering and applause] how are you . Im good. You got a lot of jersey coming on recently. Jon tremendous amount of jersey. You know, im from the area. I know. Jon born in new york city, raised in new jersey. Were you born in newark . Im like you, born in washington, d. C. , proved to jersey when i was a few months old. Jon so lived. Lived in bergen county, small town called harrington park. Jon beautiful harrington park. Very nice. And now you are the superhero mayor of newark. I read stories about you. You pull babies out of burning buildings. You have reversed the rotation of the earth. How does this happen to you . Do you patrol at night . Are you filming an episode of cops . What are you doing . I did pa terrell at night a lot, especially when i first got in and there was a lot of change we were trying to make in the police department. I get a lot of attention for things frankly a lot of people in my city do every day. I remember during Hurricane Sandy i let a lot of my neighbors stay in my house until my power came back on, and i got a lot of attention, but frankly, so many people were doing things like that. Jon but youre the mayor. I am the mayor. Jon so your house is nicer. [laughter] if you saw how this bachelor guy lives, you would not necessarily say that. Jon is that true . Does the mayor not have someone to come by the way, i see a great sit come. Hold on. The bachelor mayor of newark. No. The news focuses so much on negativity, bad behavior, reality tv exposes that, the heart of this country, you know this, the heart of new jersey is good folks who take care of their own. And their own really has expanded beyond their families. Jon any of the neighbors that came by in the storm, have you continued a relationship . Any of them you think to yourself, no, im not going to his house on halloween . Anybody freak you out . Not at all. Im very, very lucky. I was visiting some friends last night, as well. We have a very good city. Newark, as you know, has long been disrespected and dissed, but the reality is its an amazing city making a strong comeback. Jon people dont know the struggle. Other than, lets say patterson, maybe camden especially, newark has faced some of the most dire challenges and has fought its way back in a way that a lot of other cities would not have been able to do. Absolutely. The benefit when you see a city come back is the region does better. Jon sure. And it becomes an engine of economic opportunity. Newark produces hundreds of thousands of jobs for our region, especially if you include our port area. Jon as part of the comeback effort, is that why you had to get rid of the nets . Im a knicks fan . Jersey needs a team, we should start one. You could play point. Jon you know what, i could play point on the washington generals. Another thing youve done recently, youve started living on whats called the snap program, which is a food stamp program. You decided to live for a week on only what the city or the state affords you for food stamps. About 1. 40 a meal. Got into a fight on twitter with somebody saying the twitter. Jon sorry, you got into a fight over twitter. Yeah. Jon youre on twitter . I am very much on twitter. Its another tool i have to communicate with voters, and i have about a million three followers. Jon oh, my god. I cant imagine. Like i got to go check my facebook page. Hey, who is that son of a bitch who poked me . Hey, come on. So you communicate directly on twitter with constituents . Yep. Jon dont they just flood you with vitriol . Absolutely. Thats the job of a public leader. You deal with complaints and people who are angry, but you find people will help you help the city. So i find out about water main breaks before my staff does. I find out about potholes. In this case it turned out to be a tremendous opportunity when we talked about nutrition programs and how one person said the government shouldnt be involved. I said they should. Lets try. These programs arent lavishing with people in the lap of luxury. Jon the whole idea is the moochers of society are living fat off. This was a week that was hard, difficult, but the bigger issue for me is we need to start understanding in america, and i think this is place where left and right can come together, that if a family fails, we all. Its a detriment to us all. If a child fails, were bereft of the genius of a kid. If a person falls into drug addiction, we all hurt from that because of the crime, because of the cost to our hospitals. This is something we dont understand, the interdependence of our societies. Jon societies have never been particularly good at preventative action. Human nature is to react to a crisis rather than to get out in front of it. Isnt that a difficult job for politicians to get people in front of it . This was the opportunity. I was in seattle at an Affordable Housing place that worked on supportive housing, getting homeless off the streets. They did studies. They took 23 people, put them into supportive housing, cut 1 million off of the bills of the emergency rooms. We did it in newark. We brought together right and left, the manhattan institute, a rightleaning thinktank and said lets keep people out of prison instead of a 65 recidivism rate. You have the la