Of elastic clad men. That quick. Actually, russia is not only Global Leadership story were dealing with tonight which brins us to our new segment. Indeed. Now, weve already dealt with russia, so lets see where our magical dploab will take us next egypt egypt. I just lift egypt. Im not im not used to guns. laughter as the situation in egypt continues to devolve, the u. S. Like a polar bear on a hastily melting glackier is trying to act like everythings still cool. laughter a couple of weeks ago, we discussed how, due to an unhelpful u. S. Law we are unable to call the Egyptian Military takeover of their government a coup because if we utter the diplomatically offensive c word we will no longer be able to send egypt aid, our only nonmissilebased move. Dont worry. Since then weve come up with an ingenious solution. Law does not require us to make a formal determination. That is a review we have undergone, as to whether coup took place and it is not in our National Interest to make such a determination. John yshes because you forgot. Our other. Ilomatic move. The law says we have to cut off aid if there is a coup, but it doesnt say we have to know what a coup is. Ignorance and diplomatic bliss. Clearly, this is a very delicate situation, both physically and linguistically, and that isco wr the whiteh use dispatched its a team. Republicans john mccain and Lindsey Graham through to cairo at president obamas ridiculous. John im sorry, did i say dispatched their a team . They dispatched a team. applause . Lets be fair, these are two very seasoned politicians. All they really have to do is not say the word coup. The circumstances of the former government president s removal were a coup. John nailed it another lets move on to our next country. And who is it . Yes. Italy the countrys been grappling with two problems recently, a sphieralling economy and what to do with the former leader who is responsible for it. The italian Prime Minister is no stranger to scandal. Charges of bribery, corruption, tax fraud, and embezzlement. Tales of lavish ornlies. Night of bongabonga parties. Oh, yes, berlusconi, a oneman chemically induced boner. Last year, the reallife leather face was convicted of tax fraud, but we know historically just because hes convicted of something, by no means, means that hes going to jail. In the past, hes been charged with bribery, tax fraud, abuse of office, and sex with an underaged prostitute, just to name a few, and he still has not gone to jail so the inexplicable acquittal should be coming request moment now. Countrys Supreme Court upheld the former Prime Ministers fouryear prison sentence on thursday. John they upheld it . laughter really . So after all the other crap hes pulled, theyre locking him up for tax fraud . Thats like putting darma away for failing a Kitchen Health inspection. Dont think about that too much. It looks like your luck has finally run out, silvio. Youll be training in the pinstripes for prison streeps. Hes likely going to be performing Community Service or have to live under house arrest. House arrest, by the way, in the vail, seaside estate, or the pilatso in rome. John another not so much house arrest as mansion arrest. They must have felt house arrest is just as good as prison when your palazzo is actually the size of an actual prison. So hes not going to jail. Surely his political career is at lowest over. A lower court had banned him from Holding Public office for five years. That was lowered to three. Public prosecutor had suggested that than reduced to a threemonth ban. John a threemonth ban. On politics. Thats not a sentence. Thats a vacation. You know who i feel sorry for in all of this eyent cant believe im saying this aside from the actual victims of berlusconis crime, i actually feel bad for Anthony Weiner mean didnt even have sex with anyone when his career is over without even a single banga. One last shot at the global. Who are we going to get . Great britain. You have to work better than that. You have to work better. Great britain. Great britain, land that i left. So what is happening at number 10 downing street . The british Prime Minister david cameron, meanwhile, cracking down on internet pornography. John hes doing what . Wheres my passport . Im setting fire to it. How on earth are you supposed toin jack if destroy all the uks popular pornographic sites, right . cheers and applause im talking about sites such as doubledecker bang bus. bleep palace. Youll notice that our fake name web site there is bleep palace. Net and thats because the dotcom and dot uk version had been taken but the dot net version belongs to us. In case youre wondering, beefeaters. Com also exists but it sells dog treats. Thees a fact. Thats a fact. Now David Camerons proposed ban is disiepped to combat child pornography, which everyone, everyone is in favor of a ban for that. Unfortunately, the effect of the law will be to shut off all pornography to british people and this is how its going to work. There are some searches where people should be given clear routes out of that search to legitimate sites on the web. Let me give you an example. If someone is typing in child and sex there should come up a list of options. Do you mean child Sex Education . Do you mean child gender . Similarly donkey punch will produce wholesome videos of donkeys being punched in face. Also, cleveland steamer of produce images of a steamship on the glorious ohio river taking a dump on someone. To be fair to the british leader, there is a builtin we around this ban. All Internet Users will have to say cl weather they want to have access to porn. You have to opt in, not opt out. John see . All you have to do is tell your Service Provider you want porn, and that will give you porn. Its simple. Which leads me to my new oneman show a british person orders pornography. cheers and applause clears throat hello . Is this the Internet Division . Sorry to be a bother. I was just wondering if i could to if you could flip the switch that makes the um when a man and woman love each other very much, less love, more transaction yes, yes. The spankings package. That is what i want. Thats what im calling for. Thank you, a good day to you sir. I said good day cheers and applause well be right back. E, ttp1 cheers and applause welcome back. I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for tuning in tonight because, frankly, wal know what time of year it is. Shark week. Its a bad week to be a seal. John thats right. Its shark week the sevenday celebration of the oceans greatest predator, thanks to great shark pioneers like Martin Luther fin and the legendary recovery shocks. She would not swim to the back of the tank. She would not do it. And this year, Discovery Channel kicked the week off with a truly amazing documentary. Megalaton, the serial killer of the seas. What you are witnessing are the actual events as they unfolded. I saw a big shadow behind me, and the cage started shaking like crazy. What the hell is going on back here. The cage is done. Did you see that. The cage is gone. John wow the Discovery Channel actually discovered something. They found an actual living, previously thought to be and i think megaladon. Theyre going to get some nobel prize for fishing. Unless im sorry, im hearing there is latebreaking news. Theres a shark week controversy or should we say sharkrowversey. John no, you should never say that, those words should never pass your face, unless maybe before going on air you read your script and say who put sharkrowversey in my bleep script. Having said that, i have to ask, what is the sharkrowversey. The meguladon is and i think. This wasnt israeli a documentary, but a dramatization, if you will, a fake documentary. They did run a disclaimer on the show for, like, three seconds. Were going to lose it. laughter . John wait, wait you faked a twohour show, and your disclaimer was three seconds at the end . You know no one saw those blinking lights on the bottom of the screen, dont youuc becauset end of the show they were too busy calling their fleems saying, get the hell out of ocean get out of the Swimming Pool get out of the vodka theres a monster shark theres a monster shark that level of diplicity, discovery must be pretty ashamed of themselves. I am sure they issued a megalapol gee. They almost flaunted the fact that they duped viewers put the poll on their web site showing 73 of people believed this monster shark still existed. John why did everyone think that . Because you said they were real. The fact that 73 of people believe you doesnt make themni stupid. It makes them trusty good people. Its actually heartwarming to me that many of them believe you, given that youre the network behind shows like amish mauve qa and marijuananr porn weed country as well as nakedco and afraid where you can learn to catch fish with your vagina. Discovery knows give a woman a fish and shell eat for a day. Heech terhad fish with her vagina and you have john welcome back, my guest tonight an actor who wrote, directed and starred in her new film called in a world. Welcome to the jungle gym. Who did . You did. They want your voice on the trailer, carol. But im a tech. Yeah, i know. The studio said they feel its a modern quirky choice. A what . And that youre perfect for the genre. A romantic comedy is a genre now . Who cares. You just took a huge job. I did. I say next up, lemon drop shots on me. Are you excited or trying to fart . John please welcome lake bell. cheers and applause first off, on a side note, Childrens Hospital is fantastic. Oh, okay. Jon it is so good. Thank you. Jon secondly, congratulations. This movie is also great. Thank you. I appreciate that. John it is quite touching and it is slightly ridiculous. Everything you look for in a movie. Yes, that is it. John everything you need in one movie. Thats all you need. John you wrote, directed and starred in it. I have watched some of the interviews and people seem inherently surprised. What they say that to you, there is a high tone of voice. Is it that surprising . You are talented. It is possible to do those three things. Dont inherit misogyny oh, you did three things and you did them well. I had a reporter actually say to me right before i was sitting down, i was getting ready to go to a screening and a q a, and i wanted to talk to the productionist to make sure the levels were right and that it was going to play at the right sound. I said, hey, i was wondering if you could play it at dolby 7. And the reporter said, look at you. Its like youre a real director. John bleep you. Im not kidding. John bleep . Im not kidding. Were about to sit down and talk about my movie. Buddy, throw me a bone. John the other great thing about it you won a screenwriting award. Thats right cheers and applause john do you get a statue of a golden Robert Redford for that . What do they give you . That would be so good that could be good more the mantle. Its more of a glass its so embarrassing because i did keep waiting for it. Of course, awards mean nothing and we shouldnt care about them, but i was really jazzed. I was excited. John also this movie tackles something which is both a funny problem and actual problem, and that is the existence of the sexy baby voice. Yes, oh, yes. It is sweeping our nation. Our young women. You know the sexy baby. Which were all away of. It exists. John i find that troubling in two ways. One, i find it troubling that women think men are attracted to sexy baby voices and im even more troubled if they actually are. Yeah, sexy baby. Wait. What did i just say . Well, theres nothing sexy about a baby, obviously, i thought look, keep it to yourself. I really yeah, i thought it was an interesting sort of virus that was sweeping the nation, and i say it with Great Respect because i am a woman, and i have younger sisters and i am glad that they have a nice voice and that its a real voice. Its not that its a bad voice. Its a dialect people are putting on. John its a fake sexy baby. Natural sexy baby i have no problem with. Let me take that sentence immediately back and swallow it. Fake sexy baby, no one wants that. No one needs it. Jon you trained in london. I did. Jon the arts. I really got into it, yes. Jon when people hear london, they think of a glamorous movie. They dont think of where you actually were. laughter which and being english. John thats right, thats right. Ive lost it. Ive been away too long. Oh, bleep . Whats happened to me cheers and applause yeah, you were in bedford. I was in bedford gliewn thats pretty good you dont even know how good that is. I like the validations. Yeah, i lived above a chip shop. I think i need a modicum of credit for that. John thats almost offensive, though. You living above a chip shop is like me moving inside a hot dog stand. Yeah, this is where you people live, isnt it . This is what you do. What did you think of southeast london . I actually loved it. That was my favorite accent because i felt it was the most real. I remember john like talking from the 17th century. But it has a great attitude, and im from new york so im kind of i felt more comfortable in that space. I mean, i am from the Upper East Side so it doesnt really work. Its not hard as nails up there, but you know. John as a southeast londoner let me say the movie is wicked, mate. You got to check out this flick, mate. Go and see it. John this film is in a world premieres on friday. Lake bell cheers and applause cheers and applause gliewn thats our show. Here it is, your moment of zen. There was something fishy going on in the subway last night. A surprise strap hanger sent new york 1 the captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org yhi [ techno music plays ] Dave Dave Dave chappelles a funny funny guy [ tires screech ] what the [bleep] are you doing . you gotta get outta my car. Im serious [ tires squeal ] that crazy dancin makin my penis soft. [ laughter ] [ hiphop music plays ] now, that is what i call dancin you shouldve seen the girl that was sittin there before you. Whoo oh, snap there she go right there ugh [ laughing ] oh, im gettin ready to crash, girl hold on whoo ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle [ cheers and applause ] yes thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, man, no. Welcome to this thing that we call chappelles show. This is the very first episode. I finally got my own show. And, i mean, im serious when i say this is my show. This is my show i can show yall whatever i want. As a matter of fact, ill show you a little bleeper blooper