For the obama administration. I cant expect a comedic hack and his army of writers, i cant take them too seriously. Jon o my god, o oh, my god. Just wait. Just wait. Sean hannity knows my name. [ laughter ] ill be honest with you, the hack thing hurts a little, but the wound is heeled by the healed by the ointment of your attention. [laughter] sean there, well, he was upset that on monday i may have mentioned that he was being hypocritical in defending the nevada rancher and militant federal grazing fee not payer cliven bundy. I am sympathetic to critics of Eminent Domain and those who feel that obamas jack booted thugs should never have signed those federal grazing fees indefinitely. Did i say obama . I meant ronald reagan. [laughter] thats besides the the point. Of course, according to hannity his support of cliven isnt even about rule of law. Can i make my position more clear to mr. Stewart . I stand for proportionality. I thought there was a lack of proportionality here. Jon its proportionality, portion control. The government is overreacting which they tend to do when they attempt to collect money and the ower might have mentioned he has weapons and is vowing to do whatever it takes with his wife adding that she has a loaded shotgun and is ready to do what we have to do. Im sure the government f they tried one more time sent a couple more guys up there with a Swiss Army Knife and one of those credit card swipers, im sure we could settle this reasonably. Because sean hannity is for proportionality when dealing with dissent. Like when a Police Officer generally seasoned at uc davis. Its a lot of pepper spray. It was a lot. Did they cross the line . I dont think so. [audience boos] jon no, that was proportional. In fact, they couldnt have crossed the line because i didnt even see a line because my bleep eyes were burning because i had just had a pepper spray shower. [cheers and applause] so that that is a responsible exercise of authority. I mean those people were clearly there. [ laughter ] which i believe is provocation enough. They were in possession of butts with intent to sit. So that was entirely aappropriately. By the way, trademark phrase. [ laughter ] what about stop and frisk is in the random search and seizure based purely on appearance . Is that proportional or authority overreach. Officials cited the Police Tactic as being instrument in reducing crime in the big apple. Murder rates, crime went down. Just to say someone is suspicious because they are black and brown. Thats not fire. Cant tie the hands of Law Enforcement. Jon sean hannity will not allow the Law Enforcement officers to have their hands tied when they need them to frisk the brown people. [laughter] brown cows, on the other hand [laughter] have certain constitutional rights. But anyway thats when bleep got weird. You may remember that jon stewart had to rally to restore sanity. He invited all of his friends to attend including this singer. Remember cat stevens. He changed his name to yusuf islam. Theres one problem with inviting him to a rally calling for sanity thats the same yusuf islam for inciting a fatwa for trying to kill salman rushdie. Jon i wanted him to play peace train and end it with love train. It was a good bit. [ laughter ] had one small flaw the fatwa guy, but you would be surprised how few nonfatwa musicians have done train based songs and were available that weekend. But correct, correct mr. Hannity, mistake. I should have looked into it. It should have known better, im just not sure you are the best guy to make the guilt by Musician Association point. Hes a piece of bleep . Worthless bleep . That was friend and frequent guest on the program ted nugent. [cheers and applause] [laughter] jon now believe it or not, i didnt know about the cat stevens fatwa thing when we booked him but you went from a tape of ted nugent saying that to that was friend of show ted nugent. I will say this for all the hypocritical nonfactual core rosive, hackie, awful word terds that you speak [laughter] you did get one thing right. Stewart went into his tape arsenal that serve as as more proof. Begging me to stay in new york, he is kind of obsessed with this program. [cheers and applause] jon yeah [cheers and applause] i am obsessed. I am obsessed with your program. You can say true things. I am obsessed with your program in the same way im obsessed obd with antibiotic resistant superbugs or the kfc double down because i just cant believe with in this day and age with all that we know this bleep is out there. That humanity humanity [cheers and applause] that our society is still weighed down by these burdens of aseemingly more medieval time, like your show. So see it night after night serving up the same bleep . My god, you are the arbys of news. [cheers and applause] how can i not be obsessed with the arbys of news. Arbys the hannity of roast beef sandwiches. [ laughter ] and what is so fascinated is the paradox at the heart of your show, that your purely blind partisan impulses are couched in such lofty principle. Everything framed in terms of power of patriotism. The flag pin, you got the backdrops. You got the graphics. The pat rottic ball cozies you sell on your web site and you what . They are very inexpensive. They are made in malaysia. Yet, you, the uberamerican, this man is your cause. I dont recognize the United States government as even existing. Jon he doesnt recognize americas existence. He is u. S. Atheist because the federal government does exist. It was created by those guys and that document you love so, so much. The beauty of, i think, the framers and the founders is they put in place this document where they had the ability to right wrongs and correct injustices. Right. The American People really want a return to First Principles and constitutional government. I love washington because he gave up power. Amazing to me when he could have held on to it. Now theres a founding father who could found the bleep out of everyone. How do you think he would handle an armed group of federal government rejiksists rejectionists. Washington with his federal army crushed it in 1794, i guess would you say disproportionally. A man named daniel shays pulled the same bleep in 1786 and 1787. Thats him rolling down a hill. The Founding Fathers called forth. And this makes you an antifederalist or to be kind lets just say you love the Founding Fathers but only their early work before they sold out and became the man or men or White Property own gigantic, gigantic, gigantic a big, big love gigantic, gigantic, gigantic a big, big love land speed record nine times. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . Brewed for more this ispirited nights. Tune. Its undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. You might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. Miller fortune. Your fortune awaits. Which will cause me to miss the end of the game. The x1 entertainment operating system lets your watch live tv anywhere. Can i watch it in Butterfly Valley . Sure. Can i watch it in glimmering lake . Yep. Here, too. What about the dark castle . You call that defense . come on [ female announcer ] watch live tv anywhere. The x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. Jon welcome back to the show. Now [cheers and applause] we had a little fun the first act but the second act is where where it really gets open. Its not oven we get to dwefl into the minimum minutiae of a fiscal year budget thats what were doing. Stephen hello, jon. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] jon stephen colbert, what are you oh. What are you doing here . Stephen jon, i have some terrible news. You better sit down. Jon im sitting down. Theres hardly never a im not sitting down on the show so stephen jon, is there a way you could sit more . Jon this is going to come as something as a shock to you. Jon you are ending your show. Stephen jon, please im ending my show. I have to, jon. Dont beg me to stay. Jon all right. Stephen you see, theres no mountain left for me to climb. Its become clear to me that i have wonderful television. [cheers and applause] at this point [cheers and applause] jon, jon, at this point im just running up the score. [ laughter ] jon its obviously not really a contest. Stephen not anymore, jon. You see, jon almost nine years ago i promised to change the world, and together i did it. [ laughter ] jon so stephen i dont know, jon. Im a free man now. Im not sure what ill go wherever the wind takes me. Maybe ride the rails. Live boxcar to boxcar. Learn how to whip up a hearty stew from peanut shells and a stolen chicken. I doesnt sound like much, jon but its a kings feast to me and my companions. Biscuits, the wily mouse that lives in my wee pocket. And anyabell the one eyed prostitute who has a heart of gold. Dont you dare call her a whore, jon. Jon i wasnt saying anything. I heard David Letterman is retiring. Stay in television. Stephen i heard that, too, jon but they gave the part to some fat guy. Timing shes a cruel miss stress. Jon dont say fat. Pair shaped. Stephen dont we kind to him, jon. Ive seen the photos. Jon they are called birthing hips. I wish you and biscuit, is it . Stephen biscuit jon in the wee pocket. Jon and i wish you both and the one eyed woman, i wish you the best of luck. Stephen hold back the tears, jon. Youll be fine. Jon thanks for coming comin. Stephen theres something i would appreciate as a parting gift. You know how someone leaves the daily show you put together a highlight reel. Jon, you never did one for me. Stephen you never left. You went to 11 30. You are right around the corner. Stephen i probably wasnt that important to me. Jon well put something together for you, stephen. Stephen dont trouble yourself. I already did. You could put parmesan and yeast and pull out a bagette. These are the goatees of freedom. Fact becomes irrelevant. Night becomes day. Chaos reins. Taxi for lo, i win i win i win my fathers father was a goat ball licker. To run my fingers through your raven hair to touch your milk white skin. [laughter] [cheers and applause] stephen jon, im really going to miss me. Jon godspeed. Going to miss me. Jon godspeed. St pizza hut already makes great pizzas. But now theyre delivering awardwinning wingstreet wings. Time to put them to the test, with some real wing experts rec League Softball teams what you think . These are delicious thats good its got spicy and flavor to em. Imma get one more. Get 8 boneout wings for 5 bucks. Wingstreet from pizza hut but theres a hint of sweetness, too. [ woman clearing throat ] it must be the apples. I concur. The new chicken apple sausage sandwich from dunkin, made with real apples and spices, your morning just got a lot more flavorful. Stuck in a contract . Switch to tmobile well pay your early termination fees. So you can get the new galaxy s5 for 0 down right now. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back. My guest tonight shes the coanchor of abcs Good Morning America. Her new memoir is called everybodys got something. Please welcome to the program robin roberts. Come on, hello. [cheers and applause] hello jon well, hello. How are you . [cheers and applause] jon thank you so much for being here. Im sorry out of habit i said good morning. I am sorry. Jon they did just get up i know these people. Close enough to 4 20 that they just got up. Oh jon everybody has somebody but something but man, not everybody has everything. You really got hit with the whammies of whammies. A Breast Cancer diagnosis was the first, yes . In 2007, yes. I completed treatment in 2008. But the reason i said everybody has something. Its true. I got slapped upside the head. The point my mom said, it doesnt matter. Everybody has something. My something is no more important or greater than any other challenge that someone else was facing. There was a point where i was looking up to the heavens saying if you want to spread it around a little bit more, that is fine with me. Jon parents can deliver this kind of sage vice advice and do it in a vacuum. I think they never know if your kids. You seemed to have absorbed the listons its not what happens to you but the way you deal with it that makes you incredibly proud. My parents my dad grew up in jersey. Yes. Jon im familiar. As a small child he had the nerve to cut off a broom stick handle and went down to the basement and pretended he was flying and became a tuskeegee airman. My mother was the first in her family to get a college education. I come from good stock. Im grateful that some of the life lessons stayed with me. Every morning when i enter the studio for Good Morning America i blow a kiss to both of them up there and say good morning to them before i say Good Morning America. Jon and then when you are done with that do you down to george stephanopoulos. I know he is only [laughter] hes like hes i was waiting for that. It took you longer than i thought. [ laughter ] jon thats a terrible thing. I have to get him. Let me get him. [laughter] he and i are the same size, by the way. The first Christmas Gift he gave us six inch heels. Thats the good sport that he is. Jon very nice. Were you thinking man, i cant wait to get back up at 3 00 a. M. And get to work. [ laughter ] not so much. It was nice to have that six month break. But the point of it is when you are going through anything like that, especially, and i was off the air six months. Can you imagine not sitting in that chair for six months. [laughter] jon yes. Hold on. [laughter] come back to us, jon. Come back to us. Jon im standing on a Cool Mountain and a breeze was going through my hair. [laughter] all i wanted was to be normal again. Normal for me is getting up at 3 45 and getting in the studio and doing what i do. Jon right. Did you ever feel like you lost yourself . Oh jon or do you feel like you physically or emotional you sort of became outside of yourself or Something Else . There was a lot of times because during the bone mar row transplant what they do is completely take away your immune system because its dysfunctional and its going to kill you. Theythey have to wipe it out. I was so thankful my sister was a complete match. They pulled it out and put in her hers like a rebirth. I was one point in the hospital and hallucinating. I nurse came in and she said i was interviewing Walter Cronkite at the foot of my bed. True story. [laughter] yes, i would have to say i was outside of my body for a while. Jon as you felt it come back, its so nice see you. Man, your spirit and Energy Shines through everything. Its lovely to see you doing so well. Thank you, jon. Jon good to see you. Robin roberts everybodys got something. Its on the we got a random red couch, dont ask me why. People eatin favorites with a girl or a guy. We got a random red couch, pull up a seat. You dont want to be the one with nothing to eat. We got a random red couch, flabbergast your friends. With a mcdonalds bag that never ends. Mcchicken, mcdouble, beef and cheese galore. Now thats the flavor of dollar menu and more, on a random red couch. You stand behind what you say. Theres a saying around here, around here you dont make excuses. You make commitments. And when you cant live up to them, you own up, and make it right. Some people think the kind of accountability that thrives on so many streets in this country has gone missing in the places where its needed most. But i know youll still find it when you know where to look. Pepsi wild cherry. Explosively cherry. What is this place . Where are we . This is where we bring together reliably fast internet and the best in entertainment. We call it the x1 entertainment operating system. It looks like the future we must have encountered a temporal vortex. Further analytics are necessary. Beam us up. Thats my phone. Hey. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system. Only from xfinity. Tv and internet together like never before. Jon thats our show. Here it is your moment of zen. Im not a r jon thats our show. Here it is your moment of zen. Two. Two, three. Double time, soldier. I want this ice fishing operation up and running by 0800 hours. shivers its too cold, dad. My teen region is freezing off. blows raspberry you dont know what cold is. I once survived an entire week trapped in a swiss glacier, eating nothing but frozen neanderthal. To this day i cant stand the taste of early hominid. groans lets just get inside the shack. Hold, maggot ow remember the code of the ice thick and blue, tried and true; thin and crispy, way too risky. Shows what you know. Crispy doesnt even rhyme with risky. Aah help, im drowning blubbering dont worry, son, youll freeze before you drown. sniffs exhales i love ice fishing. I shouldnt be out in this cold. I have no protective fat, hair or warm blood