Benghazi. Benghazi. Jon new york city but i can see where you might have got than impression. No new york city. Its a different three syllable syllable no, no, its a different three syllable b word. Beyonce. Jon yeah, beyonce. [ laughter ] as the singer herself has been mispronouncing it all these year beyonce. Maybe its not all of fox news but our good friend William Oreilly has a somewhat particular beef with miss bey. As you know ive been critical of beyonce for putting out music and videos that are libertine in tone. [ laughter ] jon theres very little in this world that i like better than an upset bill oreilly because the tone is such its a levittown quut a sousicant of harvard served on a bed of nostalgic judgmentallism. Its the subject of our brand new segment bey watch. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] jon a cynic may think that the seven times our friends william has recently showcases her sexiness on the program was merely an excuse to run provocative broll to perhaps provide his elderly viewership with much needed disapproval boners. [laughter] well listen, if the only way i can get it up is anger, fine ill do it. [laughter] to listen to mr. O this is clearly an issue close to his heart. It sends a libertine message to children. Exploitive garbage that you knows harms impressionable children. Shes talented. She has a good voice and she could be on broadway. Jon yeah, why cant beyonce be more like that nice patti lapone with the singing and the dancing and one of gals who played the witches in wicked. The van gel call cat. Dont tell me cats is closed. Now and forever begun their ward words, not mine. Cats, cats will always be open. As long as there is love still left in this world. The greatest broadway show ever, cats, will still be open in my heart says i fox commentator and author of killings lincoln, jeez yuses and kennedy bill oreilly. Where was i . Talking about bill oreillys love of the play cats. [laughter] memories of a my that i saw twice at the Winter Garden or some bleep five bucks for water what the hell is that [laughter] [cheers and applause] no, i dont at some point my jewish grandmother character was pushed out of the way by angry trucker and then i dont know what happened after that. [ laughter ] the point is this. Papa can you hear me the point is this [laughter] that type of sexy music is destroying the kids. Is there something specific about beyonces sexiness that his bills dander up. Worth about 350 million. She puts out a new album with a video that glorifies having sex in the back of a limousine. Jon theres nothing that video that shows truly how unpleasant limousine sex can be. Safety issues, seatbelts, chafing on the leather, the worry about the dri believe me, its not all its cracked up to be. [ laughter ] stick to immediate considerationary missionary, you do it in the bed in the dark and you apl guys to good afterwards. Apologies to god afterwards. Bill, here is the thing. Billy, billy, that song is about two married incredibly successful entrepreneurs with a child in a relationship enjoying one of sacraments of marriage in the back of an automobile. If thats not a conservative utopia, i dont know what is. So [cheers and applause] what in gods name what is really the problem here . Teenage girls look up to beyonce. Particularly girls of color. Shes an idol to them. Im saying why on earth would this woman do that . Why would she do it when she knows the devastation that unwanted pregnancies and fractured families, why would beyonce do that . Jon do you believe the issue here after careful study is you dont believe america is ready for this jelly . [laughter] were joined by senior beyonce correspondent jessica williams. Jessica , thank you for being here. [cheers and applause] shes reporting outside a local high school. Youve been watching the owe oreilly bon say coverage beyonce coverage. Im really disappointed. Jon i understand the things he said about beyonce. Im disappointed in dion say. Queen b has let me down. Ive been living my life by her songs following them to the let. I learned to be a survivor. Jon that was a song. I was finding a guy to pay my bills, bills, bills. Jon i remember you going around the Office Putting a ring on everything. If you like it, put a ring on it. He has taken the world and tossed it to the left, to the left. Everything. In a box to the left. Jon i understand. I understand. Wasnt sure. Jon lets look at facts. She first became a star in 1997. November 29, destinys child. Billboard top 100 debut. Later peaks at number 3. No big deal. Jon right. Since then teen pregnancy rates in the United States have been on a steady decline. I wouldnt jump the gun on those stats. She dropped that sex album in december and by june something tells me the line for teen mom auditions will be jumpin, jumpin. Jon lets watch it and discuss the possible effects. Surfboard jon it seems innocent. Shes wearing proper beach attire. Talking about the benefits of physical fitness, visavis the sport of surfing. [ laughter ] jon begun you dont that like most music its about bleep . Jon holy bleep are you pregnant . Did you just get six months pregnant . Yeah. Jon how did that happen . [cheers and applause] earlier in the thing and now you are this is what happens when Something Like me watches a very sexy beyonce video. Jon that is crazy. How do you know its from watching the video. Check out the sonogram. If you like it then you should have im having a baby. Jon [ male announcer ] welcome to no mans land. 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Okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back. So earlier tonight we were talking with the audience a little bit. A very lovely woman from canada [laughter] mentioned rob ford to me. Got me thinking its been a long time since weve heard from rob ford, the toronto mayor who puts crack smoking in the toronto crack smoking mayor rob ford. Before we find out what has been happening. Allow me to take a drink of water while i find out what is up with rob ford. Troubled toronto mayor back in the news again. Another video showing ford smoking crack cocaine. [laughter] jon you may have noticed i didnt spit out my water. [ laughter ] because [cheers and applause] as far as announcements go its not very surprising. Perhaps ill finish the whole cup. On wednesday toronto as Mayoral Campaign was brought to a stand still when rob ford announced he was entering rehab. Jon what . [laughter] oh, my yes yes that is a surprise. A wonderful surprise. In fact rob ford going to rehab number one on the list of things i thought would never happen. I thought maybe baby president. [ laughter ] so tell me, very quickly, who was the citizen journalist who brought the latest revelations to light . The video had been shot by a drug dealer who was attempting to sell it for at least six figures. [ laughter ] jon either that drug dealer is a keebler elf or smoking crack makes rob ford nine feet tall. Six figures for the video of the crack mayor smoking crack. Kind of surprised i have to say this to a drug dealer but let me explain supply and demand to you. When you have a lot of an item like bananas or socks or videos of rob ford smoking crack. Price tends to drop. You want a video of something rare. Justin bieber stopping a kid from being a public nuisance or a panda gang bang known in the business as pang pang. Im in the sure what business that is but thats what its known as. [ laughter ] what makes this video even less valuable. Its not even the craziest thing that rob ford got caught doing this week. Another toronto paper released an audio tape recorded at a bar on monday. Ford who is said to be drunk could be heard making offensive comments about a female political rival. bleep . So sorry. I forget [laughter] jon here is what is amazing. Even drunk, even on crack, he is so bleep canadian. [laughter] im going to jam sorry my lady. Pardon my coarse language and vulgar articulation, i merely went to say i would like to introduce my penis to her region. [ laughter ] surely after this piece of unmayoral like behavior on top of alcoholism and crack addiction and the making of his city into a mockery of global scale rob ford has to admit his political rear is done. He lanes to his Attorney Says he plans to stay in the mayoral race. [laughter] jon but all joking aside [ applause ] no i think its good he is taking time to get the help he so clearly needs. Hopefully for toronto theyll have a chance to have a more competent mayor. I believe the deputy mayor takes over for him. Its rhubarb lady. Tells nobody bleep your business. Jon that should be great. [ laughter ] well be right back. [cheers and applause] avo wherever your journey takes you the expedia app helps you save with mobileexclusive deals download the expedia app text expedia to 75309 expedia, find yours brewed for more this ispirited nights. Tune. Its undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. You might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. Miller fortune. Your fortune awaits. Nobody ever stomped their foot and asked for less. Because what we all really want. Is more. Theres a reason its called an all you can eat buffet. And not a have just a little buffet. Thats the idea behind the more everything plan. Its more of everything you want, for less. Because, cmon. No one ever takes the second biggest cookie. Get more with our best plans on the best network. For best results, use verizon. [ doorbell rings ] the johnsons stall them. First word. Uh. Chicken . Hi, cascade kitchen counselor. Stop stalling and start shining with cascade platinum packs. Over time, platinum fights cloudy residue 3x better than the competing gel. Its so powerful it even helps keep the dishwasher sparkling. Avoid embarrassing moments. At least for your dishes. Cascade. Beyond clean and shine every time. Its my dale call. [ engine revs ] [ male announcer ] if youre on a diet of taking it up a notch. Thats way better than my duck call. [ male announcer ]. Drink diet dew. The only diet with dew in it. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back. My guest tonight. Funny man. New standup special for Comedy Central is called david spade. I saw the 9 cent store. You almost went in because my show is not on. I held out. A mile later 98 store, bring it home. I dont know what is in those stores. I dont know what costs that much. What is there . Thumb tacks and yarn. Full store, full. Everything. And the only thing i thought was weird was the home pregnancy test. [ laughter ] the girl in the regular pharmacy going, you know, i want to find out if im pregnant but im not spending more than a buck to find out. [cheers and applause] jon please welcome back to the Program David spade. [cheers and applause] what is up . How have been been . [cheers and applause] got some over here. Jon the picture of health. The picture of health. What is happening . Got people here. I like it. Got it all covered. Jon what if you didnt like it . I just push through. I like it. I saw your dog. Got a nice dog back stage. My mom, quick story, boring. [laughter] my mom has two dogs and shes like obsessed now. Takes them everywhere. When i go back home i go hey mom, want to go to the movie . Davey i cant leave the dog for two hours. Thats funny because when i was a kid you used to leave us for eight hours a day and went to work. No one had a problem with that and im people. Its a new age. Thats not why im here, jon. Jon at that time you probably knew how to let your dogs out for the bathroom. You still do standup or not . Jon i do not as much as i would like to. I miss it. Its like a play. I still do it. Some people dont know i do it. Thats why i was doing the special. Jon to let people know . Because i do it. Its fun. [ laughter ] and i just want to have it marked down for myself. Theres an hour of stuff if i need it. Jon youve done these specials before . I did but the hbo one was ten years ago. Jon holy bleep . Is that true . Its weird to me because its fresher in my mind than. bleep because i watch it every week. Im sure. We did some gigs. Jon yeah, yeah we opened david and i opened for dennis in atlanta. Dennis so, funny dennis. He was great. I talk to him. I did rivera, do you that when it started . Jon no did you do that with dennis . No he was too big. Three shows a night. 21 shows a week for 500. It was rough. I loved it. Couldnt wait to get the 500. You had to walk through the casino. You wanted to spend the money. I was like i cant. Here is your money or do you want to be paid in these chips . Five dingy hundred dollar chips. I would blow it on the way out. They knew it. Jon i did a two week gig at ballys. They gave you a check before hand and a card that let you eat in the cafeteria in the hotel. They thought hes going to blow this on the way to his room. Tru to form i just sat there eating. I ate there so much the dates hated it. You know jimmy the bellman. Were all done there. Yeah, yeah. I was the help. [ laughter ] jon do you remember so we were working with dennis in atlanta. You and i were young, verile at the time. Hard to believe. We said lets check if denny wants to go. Den yifs a huge headliner. We didnt see him when we were working together. We came down into his area, this regal whatever it was, a area where misting was occurring. Yeah. Jon you said dennis john and i are going to the cheetah club. Do you want to go. Dennis miller says looks into the tea leafs all he comes up with is titty bars. I used to be into that, jon. Jon no, no, now i know you work with the church. Im sort of exact same person. So horrible. People say you seem like you are on tv. Im like i know 2 different. I got it all together look at the haircut i got going. Getting new head shots right after this. [ laughter ] they consumed it. Lets do it combed it. Lets do it. Jon i think thats right. You still have that level of enthusiasm i remember you having. Do i or are you kidding . Jon im kidding. I think im doing cart wheels. I feel like i have this john about in a Jon Benet Ramsey attitude. Im a Yankee Doodle dandy jon are you going on a big tour . I dont think sox im going to limp along. I have 21 shows next week at the riv. [ laughter ] i do the venetian still in vegas. Thats fun. I know you do it. If you do it sometimes its a lot harder. Jon its the worst. You forget and people are like, we paid actually. La laugh. Jon sorry about that i like you are doing the special. You want to get it out there you are still doing standup and not do stand up. I think thats smart. Smart strategy. David spade Comedy Central sunday may 4. David spade Comedy Central sunday may 4. [cheers and applause] but theres a hint of sweetness, too. [ woman clearing throat ] it must be the apples. I concur. The new chicken apple sausage sandwich from dunkin, made with real apples and spices, your morning just got a lot more flavorful. Tmobile introduces 4g lte data for just forty bucks a month. Unlimited talk and text for just forty bucks and no overages ever. Say, wow, wow. Girls in the back same. Wow, wow. Enter the party. Pizza hut already makes great pizzas. But now theyre delivering awardwinning wingstreet wings. Me to put them to the test, with some real wing experts pub trivia teams. Delicious. These are great fantastic. Really good. You gonna give my man one or are ya gonna box him out here . Get 8 boneout wings r 5 bucks. Wingstreet from pizza hut im taking off, but, uh, dont worry. Im gonna leave the tv on for you. And if anything happens, dont forget about the new xfinity my account app. You can troubleshoot technical issues here. If you make an appointment, you can check out the status here. You can pay the bill, too. But dont worry about that right now. Okay. How do i look . Thanks. [ male announcer ] troubleshoot, manage appointments, and bill pay from your phone. Introducing the xfinity my account app. Jon thats our show. Join us next week at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. The new video means new trouble for toronto mayor rob ford. He i [latin thugs by cypress hill playing] dont be like, uh, a cubano