Responsible for the overall Performance Associated with operations Safety Service reliability Customer Satisfaction and management. In addition to serving and our boards survey of the board of directors and youth basketball coach and volunteer for the Athletic Association i am thrilled he is here today to introduce our guest speaker. [applause] the deal could morning we have a great speaker endeavor great audience it is the phenomenal way for me to start my day mourning it is great to be here this morning todays lecture is sponsored to date we have a couple of representatives here today so please pull us decided tour. We your delivery innovation too smart to energy to safe reliable affordable cleve energy and services for our customers the smart ideas is part of this. Our customers of staved more than half a billion dollars of last years under the smart ideas. This is what customers to use to grow businesses of the local economy. Helping us to be better people in our daily live todays guest is no exception deal shapiro where the roads leading experts on negotiation and conflict resolution has made a career out of helping people to navigate these critical conversations and as a founder and director of Harvard International negotiation program, he has launched several resolutions in the middle east peace and europe and east asia. Serving as chairman of the World Agenda Council on conflict resolution it developed a conflict huge reprogram now reaching more than 30 countries. Please help me to welcome our esteemed speaker did neil shapiro. [applause] power you doing . First of all, a huge thank you to the library of philadelphia for making this happen today and also with peco it 8 00 in the morning to have that introduce somebody without much energy to introduce me. [laughter] so it is a tremendous honor to be here with you but how many of you the past six months have experienced emotionally charged conflict . [laughter] how about the last six hours . Very enough. [laughter] my sense is that almost every since considered a human being has experienced these types of complex on a regular basis had to deal with them most effectively . This is really where research has taken me over the past 35 years at the personal level with the loved ones at home and how do we deal with these complex more effectively . I will start with a different question. Does anybody know what a poplar tree is in this room . You say obviously. [laughter] it is deciduous. Well leave us shake in the wind . That is beautiful. A few of us in the room we would know there was a to singlea1 between north and south korea each year this little deciduous tree would grow in the leaves would block the view of the average of a return is the conduit between north and south. So small to a south korean soldiers would trim the tree year after year until August August 61976 when a team psaltery and soldiers went to trim the tree along comes a lieutenant with north korean soldiers to walk up to those of the south you try to trim this tree we will shoot you. And they literally chased away at t but this was a security concern it did not stop them from trying a key back two weeks later on august 18 u. N. Officials said u. S. Soldiers all there for the single purpose of what . This is definitely the awarding. [laughter] the tree. [laughter] they are there for 10 minutes but then they march along the lieutenant from the north goes up to the south if you try to trim the tree we will shoot. And and if you might remember what happened next this turned into a bloody mess. South koreans were injured two u. S. Soldiers not just shot but decapitated caught on camera and broadcast around the world and we have experienced that context here in United States as well as a side note to present this and talking about International Military leaders his face as red come storming out i dont take you understand. I was there. I was at west point and at that point. I knew those boys. We were not just the feeling grief at the loss of the soldiers. We were feeling of utter humiliation at the way our boys died. Surprise surprise the situation now reaches bohai listed United States, of the white house where president ford was making a very difficult decision. What would you do . What you feed we should do i feel we should bomb the north koreans. The president thinks about it and decides a more appropriate strategy would be to cut down the tree. Said now, as 830 powers and 64 grand jury trade it traded tie condo and b52 bombers circling overhead but the simple purpose of what . Trying to chop down the tree. Do they do it . It takes one hour. Was there for the incident . Now. But as i was learning about this situation and it was literally almost world war iii literally over a tree . It obviously over much more. It takes to fundamental questions about we talk about today that our just as relevant in the National Skier as our own home life. Why do we get so stocking these complex . And how do we get out . There is something strange about these. If this was the United States a and canada we would sit down and have this figured out. This was almost world war iii. Where do these ideas come from . Today i will speak of the elements to big things the basis of the free work framework what is the mindset has heated when it is self sabotaging . In seconds that tended to plus even if it is self sabotages. So they come from a lot of places have argued deal with differences but it can be across the continents with the for yugoslavia to heads of state across the board and tried to capture that is useful for something others as well. But i cant promise you that coming from negotiating with three of the largest marketers of the world you have to believe we on this. [laughter] meets every children noah is daiquiri and adding is my greatest way how to negotiating the nonnegotiable. [laughter] has specifically to reinforce the point that you are negotiating all the time. But also at home so how should you deal with emotionally charged . At called it is obviously the recharged conflict it tears the family apart. The relationship apart. You can avoid a to crucially charge divisive conflicts so of the freddie initial spreadsheet will lead that deals with conflict. Baguette it is all the hidden cost as well. Ec like a base you have gentleman if we are working together i despise you or you despise me how will our decisionmaking we . Good or bad . How much information will he share . It may even be deceptive. How will appeal to the outcome . All of the hit and implicit cost to conflict you lose your star player it could take two years to find a replacement is dead to said had a death of this organization. So how should you deal with conflict . That this seagle most dangerous element it is a what you say perce per se but before i go further this is how people conceive of conflict resolution we have up problem between us and lets rationally go across the of waters sidebyside to celebrate success. This is that what conflict kayhan feel like. To pull less one direction or another so to make such progress so what about these Different Directions . So the tribes effect we might be best friends but the second begin to emotionally divisive conflict the will but i feel my a identity is print all of a sudden this will start what are the three basic characteristics that come to mind and think about these. In the start to feel all adversarial is us versus them. If you are wrong and i will close my ears these are the three basic characteristics of the divisive mindset youre not immune to it. Nobody. Giving you a hot overview of the book that you have in your hand, the you have been to switzerland . Comedy of you have been 2 davos . I was invited to go there in january for the annual summit of the Economic Forum. That is 40 or 50 heads of states in the ceos of the top fortune of hundred companies and Civil Society leaders so a group of 48 people as a closed room with no windows. That what the leaders isnt one by one peace and security experts, they sit at six different tables. I sit next 50 minutes you will have a wonderful opportunity to create your own tribe your own groupon they filature or identification here is some supplies if you want to dress up tribally so literally i have the picture of a deputy at a state waterfowl blackmail i will never use. [laughter] eliot feel the energy with six very different tribes so get up in the most boring voice i say lets debrief the exercise. All of a sudden it goes completely dark it into the room is the intergalactic alien bulging eyes. I have come to destroy the eric. See earth that will give you one opportunity to save from destruction of u. S. Shoes one of the six to be the tribe of of its you you cannot change anything about your tribe if you cannot come to agreement by the end of three rounds of negotiations in the world is destroyed it is ridiculous as it sounds pretty Global Leaders we are Global Leaders we will step up to the task. Round 1 6 shares of the thatll a representative from each tribe no agreement. Round to six shares of the middle six representatives no agreement. Round never three. Now they realize they have one final round to save the world from the explosion it it just so happens as they come back into the room, the circle five and one women and they start yelling over one another. Bill would lead gets so in rage i will never forget she literally stand all her barstool and yells this is another example of mail competitive behavior. You will come to my tribe. One tribe joins her see others refuse and the boob our world explodes. Boom our world expose. I have done this many, many times australia United States m. I. T. , and with the most modest exceptions the world explodes again and again and again. In 50 minutes we collected have such an identity they would rather be blowing up the world and sacrifice that. Big about the challenges facing our world today. Was security and the middle east tour in the United States. Some of our identity bound. If you have a fundamental value based difference. Said to be the real problem but the opportunities with the mindset how you do that to a different mindset . However there all these forces conspiring against us. I call these the five of the tribal mind those emotional forces to that divisive us obverses them thinking. End of the sacred and identity politics. The rest is in the book but we will start with the first. They about the conflict you were thinking about earlier between you or somebody else that work or at home with your so consumed in the conflict situation you can take up nothing else but that evil other person who perpetrated that grievance against you. We all know that but to get into it without realizing it then were stuck with this emotional tornado but you cannot see aside those emotional walls. Ill give you any sample. An example. A professor sure shared a story and said they thought they needed a 5 bedspread he thought it was the stupidest idea to a decision we would never make and course what happens they get to a conflict arguing more and more is started to scream then all the sudden my eyes averted those of my wife with the of the workers watching us and then look down and watch in 20 minutes had passed for gore thought it was five. This is vertigo a worse state of consciousness where they become very different and now four years ago on a tuesday you forgot to put down the tennessee is fodder for the conversation. So that awful past that is threatened the future becomes the inevitable future 100 percent i cannot trust you if you see this broad scale conflict as well. 60 years ago you did this as the what happened yesterday and were in the world of vertigo. How you deal with the is . It is of the book to give you a feel for what they are. This is Early Morning philadelphia. Pick a person, find a partner. Somebody you do not know. Somebody sitting next you. Please do this and if you do not i promise i will humiliate you. Find a partner. Okay . [inaudible conversations] does anybody not have a partner . Said the latest turned into social our. And thanks for doing that so quickly. The goal is to get you to better know this person it may be little uncomfortable steal a share for things with this person you are partnered with. To an upstart and tell i explained so we do at the same time. Number one what is your salary . [laughter] honestly. Not the tax forms but really. Number two with a Political Campaign propelling for word would assure political leanings . You consider yourself a democrat or republican or independent . Number three the first to we are sharing. Bed next to take your best guess. How attractive do you take your partner is . Hall attractive . Just so nobody walks away traumatized number one is like you are okay. End number 10 is the oddest of philadelphia. How attractive is this person truly . How old . What is their age after the exercise is done and you can discover if you were right or wrong i or low. So before we begin any questions . You were telling the first zero but the second to are your best guess it is all telling but a different form. Number three is our attractive. Number four is age. How old . Dont start. The question is go back and forth . The process doesnt matter my son did rock paper scissors. [laughter] will we have an ongoing relationship . [laughter] i am not sure am i supposed to have a report because have a ongoing relationship . Is there something i should know about . Am i going to be screwed later . Nothing beyond this. No other part. For real . [laughter] why not . Civic these are very difficult things. Why are they difficult . [laughter] civic they are very personal and charged. How are you feeling . I hope you will call it off. I am feeling anxious how many . Without traumatizing you we are not in going to dig this exercise. But its that is not my purpose. [laughter] sub love you wanted to. [laughter] recently this came to me last week i was doing this is a new york with mediators from the new york area and afterwards there was a reception somebody came up to me and said everybody is doing your exercise. [laughter] it is said to traumatize any of you but because of this. The taboo is a social prohibition the big now were not supposed to stay gore do in the problem with taboo that is at the heart of a complex situation if we are scared to death that makes for a huge problem. With the essence of the problem the you would give socially published for dont talk about bomb streaking. Moms tricky drinking. Dont talk about that you make more than me. Dont give that negative feedback promise you want that promotion. But then too fast for word this is the essential element. Me vs. You or us verses them. Am looking in this conflict. And then have the situation that you continue to see. It is the taboo to meet with the other side. How do we resolve if we do good deal with the taboo . Third. Briefly is what Sigmund Freud is a dysfunctional pattern of behavior that we will repeat again and again. You may go to a waterfall skills trading or conflict resolution and a comeback for the next two weeks is a d. C. The way they relate to people. For about two weeks than those patterns will seek back into that behavior the repetitions and compulsion. And then it is utterly challenging. Whether spouses or colleagues at work with that saving dash powell negative pattern of behavior and then try defect then we are stuck relives value rather than advocating. So i will close with the force of the assaults of the sacred. Many things we hold sacred. Test test anything that you hold deeply meaningful to you to your identity mean that anything is deeply held what used to have four or who you are the will but somebody attacks backed backed, that is the movie starts to spin. It couldnt be religion but does not have to be. Of a beautiful project design. You have to see your kids you are working than five months later the boss says they keel. But we have decided we will move forward. On some small level it cant feel like the assault now is the organization. I will close with a big table under the difficult circumstances. With crisis negotiators but this could be based on realtime situation. Learning about this through a training program. A gentleman in 26 years old. With the divisions of grandeur and i should make a side bet a side note that those with schizophrenia are nonviolent to those affected. But it makes for the misconception of the stereotype. He had a violent tendency just to wander around. And said he sees the woman and grabs the baby pushes her into the trade tracks runs to the janitor closets and locks the door and five minutes later the York Police DepartmentHostage Negotiation Team arrives the child is a demon you dont want to have to do it opened up. Does the approach work . Yes or go. Of course, not. What are we failing to do . Appreciate. The tendency to do interrogate to fight for our own side for our own position does not work with these situations. How many people are on the other side of the door assuming that we know more about what is going on in the mind of this hostage taker then he knows, and that is a dangerous place to be. To break it down, i come home after a tough friday at work and there is my beautiful wife at the door. She opens up the door, looks at the tired and says i have had the most frustrating day of my life with your three boys. My response to my wife is i know how frustrated you are. [laughter] i am in trouble. I am absolutely over appreciating, assuming i know more about what is going on in her heart and mind and she knows the situation here. We took a break and went back to the basics, the essence of how you negotiate the nonnegotiable to the easiest, hardest things to do in the world in conflict. Listening and asking openended questions. Talk to us, how can we help you . Once we started to ask those questions, we started to learn. From this gentlemans perspective, he wasnt crazy. He was trying to save the world, save the world from the demons and bring in those sacred angels. Once we understood that, it completely changed our approach to the negotiation. Because now we could save luck, i am in nypd. I dont see the demons that you see that i hear you saying that youre trying to save the world. Why dont you open up the door so people can try to save the world together . Three minutes later, the little door squeaks open, aalpha walks the gentleman with the baby in arms, but it is a challeng