A show featuring parodies of current events, commentary on significant issues and interviews with newsmakers, culture critics and media personalities. And world peace. What is not to love . Does matter to me. Trumps love life is not on my list. But now i realize that it matters. For example, right now in north korea their dismantling rockets sites. Why . Obviously because trump may have slept around. [laughter] the europeans just stopped skimming us with tariffs but according to cnn before that trump may have slept around. [laughter] the gdp for this quarter just hit 4. 1 and to celebrate us steel reopened a plant in illinois but according to sources before that happened, trump slept around. Hes got the thousand users relations and we created an economic boom but trump slept around. Wait a second, i sense a trend here. What experts call a correlation, here are these amazing achievements and right before them trump had sexual relations. Lets welcome tonight guests. Like a man who steals your organs to sell them on the black market and he will keep you in stitches, comedian jamie jurek. [cheering and applause] he produces more drama than my pet llama and stars in the new movie out this fall actor nick searcy. [cheering and applause] Social Interaction gives her an allergic reaction, Natural National review reporter captains. [cheering and applause] and the jumbotron is his iphone, Former Wwe Superstar in my massive sidekick, tyrus. [cheering and applause] tyrus im going to get you. Greg im scared. Im shaking in my little boots. Tyrus okay. Greg jamie, how are you doing . What are your thoughts on this week so far any insight . I would not have believed that story if i had not heard it with my own eyes. [laughter] unbelievable. I feel like that parent joke was brutal. The parent was not only missing a mirror and a letter but a punchline in timing to anything Stormy Daniels its weird that they used one of those porn star name generators. Its like what is your favorite weather and your father drink and Stormy Daniels. Mine would be raining martini in years and maybe Sunshine Seven jan. Greg nick, what you make of the good news in the scandals . Pick one. It reminds me of the movie i directed which is coming out october 12th 5 nice plug
climax. Was that too obvious . The thing about the lawyers is the taping thing. The tape of trump talking to his lawyer, is that common practice . Do lawyers keep their clients and if so, why . Greg funny that trump lawyer whos a fixer hires hillarys lawyer whos a fixer which would be like lanny davis hiring Michael Cohen. Theres fixers hiring fixers. I need a fixer. No. Greg what are you doing later . , thoughts . Kat i cant even begin to tell you how little i care who anyone has sex with. I dont care. Everyone in the media really think that if they can prove that donald trump had sex with
these women and lied about it people who support trump are going to suddenly stop supporting him. I think that people care more about things like the economy and more money in their pockets its not they dont believe it. Theyre not stupid but it just doesnt matter. You know how much ive been affected by who donald trump has had sex with . Not at all. Greg really . Kat yeah, my day has been the same as it wouldve been if he would not have had sex with those people. Greg is the achievements that affect your life not what hes been doing on his private time elsewhere tyrus, bring it home. Tyrus as far as lying, im not going to judge the president on if hes lying or not because ive been known to lie about whether i take the trash out or not. [laughter] white lies, as i was called . Thats my thing. I feel like they love the scary
movie and its coming to theaters but it never comes to theaters. Even recording somebody is simple and Michael Cohen, [bleep], can get lower than being a rat but what kills me is he is setting somebody up what he supposed to be a fixer hes one of the worst people in the world. If you think about someone who is so rotten that you would trust him with your secrets and he records them and then when he gets in trouble tries to use them against you and i guess he was sitting on the phone while he was recording so you cannot even make out what he was saying. They had to get a Rocket Surgeon and ophthalmologist to figure out whether he said cash or check. Hes a Bad Black Male and then he finds out that its a desirable offense to record a client. It scans a lot but he broke a
lot. Then he leaked information that i know who happened or what thinking the prosecution would help them and they said no, we will not help you at all. You cant cooperate because re proven liar. Hes had the worst week that a villain usually they have a bad week at the end of the movie but this dude started out with here is my plan and got arrest arrested, the worst villain ive ever seen. You would think hed be better. Greg what drives me nuts is when you watch the other networks they are ignoring what matters and in their snow globe the only thing that matters porn stars, playmates, Michael Cohen intake. When youre in a snow globe you dont know youre not in one. Everyone else in the world is enjoying, their life is getting marginally better everyday but they dont know that at cnn because are too busy chasing tail or tales, tawdry tales. All right, coming up, Democratic Candidates are out of step with the mainstream in other news, chocolate is delicious. [cheering and applause] it is such a good time to kiss
[ laughing ] scoobidoo Doobidoo Scoobidoo doobidoo [ Goose Honking ] [ laughing ] a bad day on the road still beats a good one off it. Progressive helps keep you out there. B5 like a drunk octopus trying to line dance at his sisters wedding the democrats are out of step. What an intro. Like you didnt know that already. According to a new nbc Wall Street Journal poll 56 say todays Democratic Candidates are out of touch with the mainstream and thats a spike from two years ago when the new number was 42 . That is when Bernie Sanders was all the rage. And that looked great with a man. [laughter] i was one of the first. Bernie sold young voters on socialism and got progressive to take a hard left turn but this poll shows they are not progressive enough. Tired of the party that brought you fdrs new deal . You will love super turbo hyper progressivism. The first system for the government pays for everything. Universal healthcare, plus, guaranteed basic income you never know when you will meet the enemy in the future and the National Anthem is replaced by this. Total awesome Sanctuary Cities and public bathrooms where its all in the open. The best part about super tumor hyper progressivism, all wars will be fought with finger guns. And if that doesnt work, will
hug the enemy to death. [cheering and applause] greg cap, the polls say the democrats are out of step and they say the republicans are out of step are the libertarians out of step . Kat no one really likes us but we dont really like ourselves. Greg that is true. Kat that is okay. I feel like it shouldnt be surprised that the democrats are out of step as i feel like when you talk to most americans they dont say what that what they want to do is wait in line for toilet paper so im not surprised that this old democratic socialist thing is not catching on. People want capitalism we can get toilet paper via amazon prime without getting off your couch and as much as you want you can get 4712 packs and build a fort for you and your cat to sit in. You know, its not like it always comes down to toilet paper but sometimes it does. Greg if i could have a dollar for every time it does. The big democratic, the new obama, alexandria and she is a socialist what you make of her . Shes never. Its like shes never read a newspaper or book in her life. This young lady is i cant imagine where she gets information and im beginning to think that shes a republican plant where they have placed her there to make the democrats look incredibly stupid. Greg tyrus, will it Democratic Party Pay Attention to the polls and fix themselves . Tyrus there are too many rules. I dont like rules. When i get by mike is a
president and the instructions are this thick, we are winning it. The new democratic world order there are 37 gender so how will i say hello to someone without being afraid of a lawsuit . Theres all kinds of give me stuff and i dont want to give anybody jack. Ill keep mine and you get yours and will be fine. There are too many rules and they dont even know when they talk if you ever have a conversation with a super left person they talk in a person so i dont even know who im dealing with. [laughter] everything is a world cost. I just want a coffee. Im sorry i came in here. I wont do it again. If me forgiveness will kill mike because in the amazon, ill st stop. Greg to your point about your first point, party forgotten its liberals were supposed to be liberal and now
they have more rules and conservatives are the ones that dont want rules. The conservatives are the freaks. They are for free everything in terms of thought. Tyrus you have to catch yourself to greet a stranger. If you dont know something about them, dont find out the hard way by asking. [laughter] i felt like this is one of those articles where they did need to do the polls. Theyre like theyre out of step but we knew it had of time and i feel like they couldve saved money. I dont like any candidate is talking about what im worried about. Like how do i keep beat my kid at fortnight . Tyrus thats a real thing. Dragon ball z, i have to ground him to beat him mid game. [laughter] connect no one cares what im worried about. Im worried about healthcare. I asked my daughter what she wanted to do and she asked to do
a puzzle so i had her go to healthcare. Gov. [laughter] greg should be and on that note or do you have a third joke . I dont think i do. [laughter] greg i think the Democratic Party needs an intervention. They need to sit down the leaders and say socialism is ruining your life just like with drugs, you said you been doing a lot of socialism and youre losing your friends and running out of money and we are here to help you will fly you to a Capitalism Center and teach you how to make money. That would be the answer. Com, nikki haley has great advice for conservative teens. So do i, listen to nikki haley. [cheering and applause]
esurance. An allstate company. Click or call. Today for undisclosed reasons. The Civil Rights Icon is reportedly resting comfortably and undergoing routine observation. He played a key role in the civil rights movement. Hes expected to be released from the hospital monday. Im marianne rafferty. Greg now, if i were nikki haley and who says im not . I would ask High School Kids to raise your hand if youve ever posted anything online Quote Unquote on the lips. Razor hand if you ever posted anything online to Quote Unquote own the liberals. I know its fun and i can feel good but [laughter] but step back and think about you are accomplishing when you
do this. Are you persuading anyone . Greg she said that to students but adults can learn from this. Ill admit its fun to troll the other side and they make it so easy sometimes. Dont believe what you see with your own ears. [laughter] greg i will play that forever. If you go online now there are two sides clashing over nothing. Its vicious into nikki haleys point, no one is persuading anyone. Government you try to cross the aisle with an olive branch. You get shunned by your own like actor mark who faced the wrath of the online mob on his side as he had the nerve to complement ben shapiro on twitter. Then he had to apologize for being nice. What he was. Neither side will win the great twitter war. Its been mutually assured destruction. Is that good or bad or both . I dont know what went i do know
is i prefer to dance in front of gus the dog. [inaudible] [laughter] greg the greatest dog ever. He knows a bad answer when he sees with it, your twitter feed is rambunctious, combative and would you join a group of people that say im disarming and im no longer going to be so negative on twitter . Absolutely not. I dont think nikki haley has seen my twitter feed she would not have seen it. She says that i know it feels good and its fun but what are you a composting . Whats wrong with feeling good and having fun . Not trying to persuade anybody on twitter. The point is i dont think im going to persuade them but i want to ridicule them and have
other people see how stupid they look. Greg good point youre trying to persuade the person youre insulting your trying to give some kind of energy to the other people that almost teach them how to do what theyre doing but it might be considered mean what am i turning into . Used to be so mean, tyrus, what is happening . Tyrus i dont think too much about you, greg you know what it is, we have believed right now. Whenever you are winning its fun to put phone at the other side and its great but when you are losing it sucks. It goes back and forth. I had a flashback when nikki haley was talking. I literally thought it was minors at school and some. When i had an embarrassing moment when i had my first you know, at school. Greg i dont want to know. Tyrus she was like its fun and it feels good but dont think
about those things at school. Greg oh, i see what you mean. [laughter] it took me a while. [laughter] tyrus . Com and cooling boys in it to be back to that nurse. Used to go to the nurse and tell her stuff and she make you feel good and if your mom saw your heart you are a dirty little boy the nurse would tell you its okay. It feels right. Greg we will move on from this discussion. Jamie when tyrus was talking there were four moments where i felt like i knew what he was talking about and then he said Something Else and i still didnt know. Greg lets stay on topic about civility online. [laughter] thank you. Greg civility online, is it worth it to be the first person online to disarm . You dont always have to be leading but you could be having fun but what a great point that
you could be rallying troops but i do get tired of the hate sometimes and i dont know if you know but its an addon for Google Chrome and it turns off all politics if you want to break so i turn it on the other day and there was one puppy video left. [laughter] greg and it was an old right puppy exactly. Would you ever you are on twitter an awful lot and are not meeting on it. Kat i try to be nice i think that is probably right but i do understand that it can be very tempting sometimes. I will read an article that says yoga is Cultural Appropriation and that everyone is a certain Halloween Costumes are Cultural Appropriation nightly line if i said the first thought that comes to mind was not to post a
video of myself doing yoga in a pocahontas costume. [laughter] but i would not be changing hearts and minds that way and if i wanted to try to change hearts and minds you have to be respectful. Greg i had to semi serious comments on this. This social media behavior might be necessary because were not allowing this behavior anymore in the real world. Were not having community for getting together and churches are under attacks and sororities are being genderneutral and teams are breaking up so maybe twitter is the only place we can insult each other and build each other and make jokes because you cant do that anywhere else. Having said that, now people are collecting scalps on twitter. You cant make jokes anymore because you could be the next one. You can lose your job. Greg you can lose your job. The director of disney, his job is gone because of some joke he made. It could happen to you. Greg no, no, dont look at my
twitter feed. Coming up, would you attend your own funeral . Science says its what is possible. By the way, science is my third nipple. [cheering and applause] keep it comin love. If you keep on eating, well keep it comin. All you can eat riblets and tenders at applebees. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. The most highly recommended bed in america just got better. Introducing the reinvented tempurpedic. Designed with the most pressure relieving material weve ever created and superior cooltotouch technology. Find your exclusive retailer today at tempurpedic. Com. Could help them save money on Car Insurance . Yea,that and homeowners, renters, motorcycle and boat insurance. Huh. Thats nice. What happens when you catch a fish . Gecko whoa. Geico. More than just Car Insurance. See how much you could save at geico. Com. Im ok
because your brain would essentially live in the crowd you could switch bodies as often as you like. From where we went to mike and the immortal goat for comment dont jump. Dont jump. Dont jump. What is he doing . Oh, oh, oh he jumped. [bleep] he jumped. [bleep] [laughter] [bleep]. Dude, we killed a [bleep] goat. Dude, hes alive. Greg get with the program. Is this realistic and would you do this . Tyrus no, i would go to my funeral and sit in the corner and listen to people talk about me my funeral will not be pleasant. There will be a lot of people not on things and plus my note before i go will build real. [laughter] people start turning around the
computer laughing in the back in its me what is wrong with dying and i just dont get it . I cant wait. Im waiting for my testosterone to go way when your time comes, let it go. Will you be a robot . B5 you are saying. Greg you are saying let it go. Tyrus youll have your dream because you can get in with your ai buddies because after a while the robot guys will be jealous of the flash guys so that will not cure racism because well have robots attacking anyone with me. Greg it will this will be meat and metal and that will be the war because i am the best Benedict Arnold for metal i would be king of the metal because i dont like meat. I think this would ruin funera funerals . Kat i think that its a lot of science in trouble and much simpler than that. All you need to do is there
yourself a funeral while youre still alive. Thats what im doing. Greg thats a great idea for a company. Kat im doing that in three months for my 30th for the party in a few months. This is not a joke. Im coming in a hearse end in a casket and ill have a processional of people they been as i enter and will be a big party. Not everyone is invited but youre invited to like the photos when you see i am not joking. Greg i have a feeling you will be doing this. Next, i think what if you are in annoying unlikable person and people are relieved that youre dead. Then oh great, i had to deal with brian because his head is in a new bat . Why are you asking me this . Greg i dont know. I like to be in my own funeral to hear what people say about me. It would work better if i could get that thing started now like if i could get the robot that is
me started up now i could get a lot more done. I could direct another movie like my movie which is coming out october 12th climatic. Greg its a great movie. Was that too obvious . Greg no, it was a tough movie to make. Wherever it is you should find it. Jamie, would you do this . Stupid question, Great Britain im not the smartest guy but if im at the funeral why dont we just not have a funer funeral . You know what i mean . Jim is on and they say no hes not but hes over there did i ever tell you my idea to get a laugh in my funeral i want to have an open casket but when you come up my legs are showing. [laughter] wouldnt that be funny . Greg thats pretty funny. I just think in general will you write that down . Greg and if something happens i will say you want an open caske. Tyrus open leg casket. Robots we have to be so careful with building things that we cannot compete with because i had this exgirlfriend and i bought her this electronic toy and i never saw her again. [laughter] greg on that note, still to come, its the most interesting interview you will ever see. I am serious. You dont want to miss this. Stick around. [cheering and applause] welcome hi there. So, what do you look for in a vehicle . Sleek designs. Performance. Dependability is top on my list. Well then, heres some vehicles that deliver on that. Woah wow. Oh jeez thats our truck its our truck and theyre our cars thats my chevy chevys the only brand to earn j. D. Power dependability awards across cars, trucks and suvs three years in a row. Awesome. Im proud. Its like a dynasty. Its impressive. Its a peaprotein, glutenfree pate. Gman . whistles its a burrito filled with plants pretending to be meat. Here we see the artist making an attempt to bare his soul. Its just a gray dot. There are multiples on the table one is cash, three are fha, one is va. So what can you do . Shes saying a whole lotta people want to buy this house. But you got this Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans makes the complex simple. Understand the details and get approved in as few as 8 minutes by americas largest mortgage lender. To run the full clip on my very own to take a look. [animal sounds] greg thank you for having me. Ive always been a fan of your investigative work. Its a pleasure to be here. [animal sounds] greg i really did this for the fans. Everywhere i go to blast me
where can they read the monologues from the show. Where is one place they can get them so i decided when not give the very best monologues and put them in the book. [animal sounds] greg i figured it would be different to take a book and criticize it and take it apart and go after the thing you got wrong so i took my monologues and if you look in the book you will see, take a look, i have commentary with my actual monologues and im fairly blunt about the things i got wrong. [animal sounds] greg the one thing i noticed is that i tend to rely on certain cliches like if im writing about a liberal i will often say they have a nose ring or a henna tattoo and i find i fall into stereotypes over time which is
intellectually lazy. I tried to call myself on that wherever i go. Also, i think i was mean on Bernie Sanders. I should of been nice. [animal sounds] greg my favorite topic is always going to be hollywood because its so easy something is always going on in that place that is worthy of ridicule and every day theres an actor or actress things have been stupid and i wake up every morning to write about. It makes my job so easy. [animal sounds] greg the producer will send me ideas and thats a great question. What i do is pick the ones that are most exciting to me and start writing. I dont like to think about it too much because when you think about it you start to lose the scene. You want to dive right in and before you know it you come up with your own point of view. Its a lot of fun, i think. [animal sounds] greg i learned that there are a lot of interesting topics that culminated ins presidency. If you look at what i covered law and order, identity politi politics, terrorism, these are the things that donald trump hit on so im convinced that he created this entire clinical plank on or off my monologues. [animal sounds] greg i think the shorter the better, much like me. [laughter] if you can make it under 80 seconds that is perfect. It should be sharp, original and funny it does not have to be funny off the bat. First you write it but then you had the jokes later. Short, clear, concise and unexpected and surprising. Much like the work you do, don
dont. [animal sounds] [cheering and applause] greg Thanks Again Dolphin and ted next weekend is the start of my book tour. More dates are coming soon go to g gutfeld. Com for the latest tour information. Dont go anywhere, final thoughts next. [cheering and applause] are you done yet . In the country. Wait. You have a real motorcycle . And real insurance, with 24hour customer support. Arcade game wipeout oh well. I retire as champion. Game hog champion. [inaudible]. Greg jamie, where will you be . Ill be on netflix and check out season to on netflix right now. Greg its funny and i enjoyed it immensely that, you have a movie. [inaudible] opens october 12th. Heres a clip. A lot of the employees at that clinic have been arrested on Drug Trafficking charges, Why Havent You . Objection. Given your personal animosity why should we believe anything . Your honor. Greg thats intense. I love that guy, hes a great actor. Greg tremendous. Thank you jamie, nick, kat, tyrus, in my studio audience. [cheering and applause]
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