Transcripts For KCNC The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2016

I host the late show and live means now. Oh, my gosh ive got to think of something fast got it hit it, jon . . . . This week you and me . We will witness history as the r. N. C. Crowns their orange manatee . W s crazy ties worn by thousands of white guys . An entire airplane hangar filled with Donald Trumps exwives . . Well see newt, ron and rand, maybe members of the klan . . But no muslims or latinos because i think theyve all been banned . . It will be crazy you cant deny . Its like christmas in july . Its the finest place youve seena . It can nearly fit each person fired by Carly Fiorina . Its the q, but lets be clear q doesnt stand for queer . Though it really doesnt matter . There arent many of them here it will be crazy . You cant deny its like christmas in july . cheers and applause stephen build a wall around me, dancing delegates . . . . . . Stephen and theres so much more in store, because its not one night, its four . So. Reince priebus will campaign huffing paint to ease the pain ted cruz is drinking whiskey . No ones sitting with Chris Christie . And mitt romney bungies in to say does anybody miss me . . Jeb is in the bathroom yelling why . . Its like christmas in july . . The party of lincoln . Had better start drinkin . Its like christmas in july . cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes zoe saldana featuring jon batiste and stay human new york city, its time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump starring donald trump as the Republican Party may contain traces of republican. cheers and applause stephen here we go cheers and applause nicely done right on time audience chanting stephen well, ill take it. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you so much cheers and applause thanks, everybody please, have a seat you can feel it in the air. Its absolutely electric out here. Welcome to the late show, live from the ed sullivan theater right here in new york city cheers and applause im Stephen Colbert. Were live all week during trumps convention, because i want to be the very first one to announce the moment america becomes great again. laughter its that feeling, you will feel it in the air when it happens. Have already happened, folks, because on night one, tonight, donald trump entered like this . We are the champions my friend . . And well keep on fighting till the end . . We are the champions . . No time for losers because we are the champions . Of the world . cheers and applause laughter cheers and applause stephen yes, we are the champions of the world, and we are going to restore conservative american values, by entering to the music of a bisexual englishman cheers and applause this is crazy. This is crazy. You may not know this but youre not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. But jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party. laughter tada hellooo and that wasnt the only drama today. There was drama this afternoon as the stoptrump movement tried to change the rules so they wouldnt be forced to vote for trump on the first ballot and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from colorado just walked out. And look at what time the colorado delegates walked out 4 20, my friends cheers and applause oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah. 4 20. Yeah. Oh, this is the perfect time to walk out. They might not have been mad. They might have been a little, say, snacky . laughter and there was also another disturbance about an hour and 45 minutes ago, when a protester supporters, and see that guy . I dont know who the guy is covering her face but not touching her face . Hes a biker for trump, and i think hes also clearly someones little brother. laughter im not touching you im not touching you you cant tell mom im not actually touching you cheers and applause this is my side this is my side of the convention dont get on my side. This i im not touching you. laughter for the record, i was someones little brother. Now, tonight the official theme of the convention was make america safe again. Its a major concern. Safety, a major concern for the g. O. P. Right now. Because just a few months back, some guy broke in and stole their entire party. Theyre a little shaky theyre feeling a little shaky right now. cheers and applause like this, like that. All right. And keeping with the theme of keeping america safe, i know what youre thinking i hope chachi from happy days weighed in. Well, fear not Hillary Clinton wants to be president for Hillary Clinton. Donald trump wants to be president for all of us. Stephen and scott baio wants someone from tvland to put happy days back on cheers and applause now, former new york mayor and school bully sidekick Rudy Giuliani tonight, about an hour ago, gave a spirited speech with a strong endorsement of donald trump. What i did for new york, donald trump will do for America Stephen yes, donald trump will send all of americas homeless to new jersey to make room for expensive candy stores yes cheers and applause donald trump will get rid of all the porn and replace it with bubba gump shrimp laughter and, headlining make america safe again, tonight, was noted security expert Melania Trump who, i just watched it, she gave a very impressive speech. Just goes to show, behind every great man is well, in this case, actually, Chris Christie is that one. If i stand here long enough, he will definitely make me vice president. Definitely. Hes got to i got to get something for this. I got to get whats happening to me . laughter of course, instead of Chris Christie, trump ended up picking audience booing lets all be friends. And, together they released the new trumppence logo, which, i dont know if you guys have seen this, it looks like this, right there. applause now, a lot of people have made fun of it. They thought that this t here s or perhaps the p was doing Something Special for the t because it was the ts birthday, lets say. I dont know really know. applause but what i say is but who am i to judge whats going on between two consenting consonants . laughter now, the logo was immediately taken down and replaced with this one. No hardcore letter on letter action right there. laughter it touted their strong business experience, and its the two of them in front of a desk and its very professional, i think. cheers and applause right now, cbs is trying to figure out what part of this they legally have to blur. laughter now, say hi to our jazz delegation, everybody jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen i like it. There you go. And, last night, trump and pence gave their first joint interview on 60 minutes. 60 minutes, of course, apparently the amount of time trump spent learning about mike pence before choosing him. Already have great chemistry. Talking with him in private settings, i love the words you used, because this man is awed with the American People and he is not intimidated by the world. And donald trump, this good man, i believe, will be a great president of the United States. I love what he just said. laughter applause stephen hey hey hey hey hey, get a room, you two just, not the oval office, okay . And check it out, they gave the interview in trumps penthouse apartment while sitting on these giant golden chairs. Im beginning to believe trumps plan to fix the economy involves melting down his dinette set. laughter now, throughout this interview last night, the two kept finding things that they have in common. At least, ive read, a very youre a brash new yorker. Religious. Religious . Religious, yeah. You . Yeah, religious. Hey, i won the evangelicals. That doesnt mean well, i think it means a lot. Stephen to quote our lord and savior jesus christ. Wow. cheers and applause thats some. Yes, that guys got some loaves and fishes, if you know what i mean. Yes, trump won the evangelicals, which proves hes religious. The same way you prove youre a family man if you eat a family sized tub of cheese balls. But leslie stahl did find some things the two disagreed on. Do you think john mccain was not a hero, because he was captured . I have a great deal of respect for john mccain. Do you think he went too far . You can say yes. On that one you can say yes. Thats fine. Stephen you can say yes. You can say yes. Say whatever you want. Tell her what you really think. I mean, its fine, my man. You can answer. Im not going to get in the way. Next question. Next question. laughter now, you would think, personally, i think pence would have more empathy for mccain because after this interview, he clearly knows what its like to be held prisoner. But i think applause . . You can talk, you can talk. Go ahead and talk, make the sounds with your mouth and the lippy flap. laughter but i think trumps finest moment is when he finally stood up to Leslie Stahls bullying. Youre not known to be a humble man. But i wonder i think i am actually humble. I think im much more humble than you would understand. laughter stephen yeah, yeah, im humble. How many more buildings do i have to put my name on before you understand how humble i am . All right . Big league modest man, believe me, i belong to the admiral class fourstare diamond humble club which, by the way leslie, you would never get in, youre a six at best. laughter well be right back hopefully with an old friend. I feel my basic cable senses tingling. Stick around cheers and applause spend 30 at target on everything they need for back to school. And get a free 5 gift card . . Every day, youre thankful for the ones you love. And every day you promise to protect them. Off is here to help with proven protection against mosquitoes. Trust our family to protect yours. Sc johnson, a Family Company our longest lasting energizer max ever. These pants always smelled like yogaaroma. Id wash them, and itd be back before i even got to class. Finally, i discovered new tide odor defense. It eliminates the yoga aroma. So i can breathe easy dont just mask odors. Eliminate them with new tide odor defense. If its gotta be clean, its gotta be tide. In a world that needs a hero, justice is spelled box. Say hello to a powerful tool that gives you options to fit your budget. . Oh, im tied to this chair . Dundundaaaa mention he can save people nearly 600 . You havent even heard my catchphrase. Im all done with this guy. Box him up. David was proud to be an american soldier. And i know im prejudiced because he was my son, but i dont think he had a mean bone in his body. There is not a day that i dont think about david. When i saw donald trump attack another gold star mother, i felt such a sense of outrage. She was standing there, she had nothing to say. If donald trump cannot respect a gold star family, cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back i hope you can tell, i am sure you are too, i am very excited about what happened this week. Im really excited about whats going to happen this week going to happen this week. How can we guess what will happen when we cant begin to explain how we got here . laughter how did donald trump get the nomination . I know i cant explain it. But i think i know somebody who might be able to. Excuse me. Ill be right back. Hold on. Ill be right back. Dont go anywhere. Ill be right back. knocking yawn this is not a pokemon gymnasium anymore. Go catch with your friends somewhere else. Stephen jon, jon its me its stephen. Bubbe. Stephen how are you . I was just having a little chai ka making it myself stephen no, jon, jon listen. I know that you and your beard are very busy these days. But im here to tell you that its the Republican National convention this week. Oh, well, i think they had one of those four years ago stephen no, theyre doing another one jon. Listen, you will not believe who the nominee is. The old jon stewart talked about politics and things like that. Me, im not, i dont jeb bush will be a great nominee. Everything will be fine. Stephen jon, its not jeb. Jon, its not jeb. Im going to tell you who the little parched, if i may please. Stephen oh, you want to take a little just enough to wet the whistle before you tell me nominee. So before you say the name, if you dont mind, i wouldnt mind bringing liquid stephen because you presently dont know who it is. Are you ready . Yeah. If i may. Stephen its donald trump. laughter what . stephen yep the guy from the apprentice . Stephen yep. The guy who did the mcdonalds commercial with grimace . Stephen same guy. The guy who filed for bankruptcy in. Stephen and 92. And 2004. Stephen and 2009. That guy stephen yes mike tysons business advisor, that guy . Stephen indeed, the same guy. The guy whose eyes look like tiny versions of his mouth. Stephen yes, the guy who looks like an angry creamsicle. Decomposing jackolantern. Stephen human toupee hybrid that guy stephen yes a guy who looks like heres actually wearing a donald trump costume. That guy. Stephen yes, a loose fitting one at that. Yes. Stephen same guy. The guy who wrote oftentimes when i was sleeping with one of the top women in the world, i would say to myself, can you believe what i am getting . That guy. Stephen yes, the same guy who said i have black guys counting my money, i hate it. The only guys i want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day. That guy. Stephen yes. That guy. By the way, we wear them all night, too. Stephen so you can see why im here. You understand what im asking for. Ill wait. frantic muttering and screaming the guy from the Republican Convention. That guy. Stephen hello, friend. Im sorry i cant help you, you see, jon and i are very happy living off the grid, making jerky and canning our own urine for the end times. You said it was gatorade. Stephen you see, im sure its not jeb, actually. Stephen its not jeb . I thought it was going to be jeb too a few years ago. But its not, its a different guy. Stephen who is it . Wet your whistle before you do. Stephen really . Yes. Stephen let me get a mouthful. Its donald trump stephen what yes stephen hold this get out of my way call me if youre going to be late oh, thats good urine. Yankee Doodle dandy playing cheers and applause stephen woo audience chanting Stephen Stephen yes hello, nation cheers and applause did you miss me . I know i did. Well, its time to say aloha to Stephen Colbert, and aloha to cheers and applause wow, look at this place, the host must have quite an ego. Lets fix it up, jimmy . cheers and applause thats better. Ready to do this thing . Ready to do this thing . Is that the truth hole . Is this where its going . All right. Nation, right now, americans are angry, confused and lashing out a lot of folks are wondering how america, gods girlfriend, ended up in a relationship with this guy. Well, shhhhh daddys here. I know a lot of you are out on the ledge right now. When im done, i promise, you will be jumping for joy. Because this is just the brave new world of american democracy, and it brings me to tonights word. cheers and applause trumpiness cheers and applause folks, let me tell you, people who dont support trump feel like the world has gone crazy. Well, get in line. laughter because the people who do support trump have felt that way ever since the manufacturing jobs started going to china. Its about what voters feel. And right now at least half of americans feel their voices arent being heard laughter and let me tell you, folks, that goes for both sides, whether they be strong conservatives or morally bankrupt liberals laughter think about this just consider why people stood behind bernie sanders. You see, bernie, he understood their emotions. They said, i feel the bern laughter now, just to remind you, 11 years ago, i invented a word truthiness. You see, truthiness is believing something that feels true even if it isnt supported by fact. Truthiness truthiness. Right . cheers and applause you know who had a brain . laughter ill tell you. Adolph hitler. So, naturally, brains arent good. Naturally, i admire this man. In fact, i see myself in him. Were both overthetop tv personalities who decided to run for president. But i admit, ladies and gentlemen but i admit, ladies enough cheers and applause im humble enough to admit he has surpassed me now. Truthiness has to feel true, but trumpiness doesnt even have to do that. In fact, many Trump Supporters dont believe his wildest promises and they dont care. laughter yes they dont care keep if he wont keep his wildest promises and if he doesnt ever have to laughter and heres the deal truthiness was from the gut but trumpiness clearly comes from much further down the gastrointestinal tract. cheers and applause keep in mind, and i want to be clear about something his supporters know this. His supporters arent dumb. Take the border wall. Just last month at a rally, trump said were going to build a wall and its going to be a one of his supporters at that same rally pointed out, i think if he strengthens the borders, it will be the same as building the wall. The wall can be built even without having to be built. Yes, if you can feel the wall, you dont have to see the wall. laughter these, i want to be clear about this. These legitimately angry voters dont need a leader to say things that are true or feel they need a leader to feel things that feel feels laughter and that is why i believe donald trump is a leader for our times. An emotional megaphone for voters full of rage at a government that achieves nothing, an Economic System that leaves them behind, and politics that elects people unfit for the job. And if you dont share their feeling that you dont recognize your country anymore, trust me, if trump wins, you will. And th t that other guy will be right back after these commercials. Stick around. cheers and applause band playing and here we have 1893, from the makers of pepsi cola. Im gonna swirl it. Im gonna smell it. Im just gonna take one small sip. Ahhh refined. 1893. Made with kola nut extract and real sugar. Boldly blended colas. Its stunningly beautiful, a Perfect Blend of performance and design. The worlds thinnest laptop, the new premium hp spectre. Sir you need to turn that off now. 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Reince priebus will campaign huffing paint to ease the pain ted cruz is drinking whiskey . No ones sitting with Chris Christie<\/a> . And mitt romney bungies in to say does anybody miss me . . Jeb is in the bathroom yelling why . . Its like christmas in july . . The party of lincoln . Had better start drinkin . Its like christmas in july . cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert<\/a> tonight, stephen welcomes zoe saldana featuring jon batiste and stay human new york city, its time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump starring donald trump as the Republican Party<\/a> may contain traces of republican. cheers and applause stephen here we go cheers and applause nicely done right on time audience chanting stephen well, ill take it. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you so much cheers and applause thanks, everybody please, have a seat you can feel it in the air. Its absolutely electric out here. Welcome to the late show, live from the ed sullivan theater right here in new york city cheers and applause im Stephen Colbert<\/a>. Were live all week during trumps convention, because i want to be the very first one to announce the moment america becomes great again. laughter its that feeling, you will feel it in the air when it happens. Have already happened, folks, because on night one, tonight, donald trump entered like this . We are the champions my friend . . And well keep on fighting till the end . . We are the champions . . No time for losers because we are the champions . Of the world . cheers and applause laughter cheers and applause stephen yes, we are the champions of the world, and we are going to restore conservative american values, by entering to the music of a bisexual englishman cheers and applause this is crazy. This is crazy. You may not know this but youre not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. But jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party. laughter tada hellooo and that wasnt the only drama today. There was drama this afternoon as the stoptrump movement tried to change the rules so they wouldnt be forced to vote for trump on the first ballot and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from colorado just walked out. And look at what time the colorado delegates walked out 4 20, my friends cheers and applause oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah. 4 20. Yeah. Oh, this is the perfect time to walk out. They might not have been mad. They might have been a little, say, snacky . laughter and there was also another disturbance about an hour and 45 minutes ago, when a protester supporters, and see that guy . I dont know who the guy is covering her face but not touching her face . Hes a biker for trump, and i think hes also clearly someones little brother. laughter im not touching you im not touching you you cant tell mom im not actually touching you cheers and applause this is my side this is my side of the convention dont get on my side. This i im not touching you. laughter for the record, i was someones little brother. Now, tonight the official theme of the convention was make america safe again. Its a major concern. Safety, a major concern for the g. O. P. Right now. Because just a few months back, some guy broke in and stole their entire party. Theyre a little shaky theyre feeling a little shaky right now. cheers and applause like this, like that. All right. And keeping with the theme of keeping america safe, i know what youre thinking i hope chachi from happy days weighed in. Well, fear not Hillary Clinton<\/a> wants to be president for Hillary Clinton<\/a>. Donald trump wants to be president for all of us. Stephen and scott baio wants someone from tvland to put happy days back on cheers and applause now, former new york mayor and school bully sidekick Rudy Giuliani<\/a> tonight, about an hour ago, gave a spirited speech with a strong endorsement of donald trump. What i did for new york, donald trump will do for America Stephen<\/a> yes, donald trump will send all of americas homeless to new jersey to make room for expensive candy stores yes cheers and applause donald trump will get rid of all the porn and replace it with bubba gump shrimp laughter and, headlining make america safe again, tonight, was noted security expert Melania Trump<\/a> who, i just watched it, she gave a very impressive speech. Just goes to show, behind every great man is well, in this case, actually, Chris Christie<\/a> is that one. If i stand here long enough, he will definitely make me vice president. Definitely. Hes got to i got to get something for this. I got to get whats happening to me . laughter of course, instead of Chris Christie<\/a>, trump ended up picking audience booing lets all be friends. And, together they released the new trumppence logo, which, i dont know if you guys have seen this, it looks like this, right there. applause now, a lot of people have made fun of it. They thought that this t here s or perhaps the p was doing Something Special<\/a> for the t because it was the ts birthday, lets say. I dont know really know. applause but what i say is but who am i to judge whats going on between two consenting consonants . laughter now, the logo was immediately taken down and replaced with this one. No hardcore letter on letter action right there. laughter it touted their strong business experience, and its the two of them in front of a desk and its very professional, i think. cheers and applause right now, cbs is trying to figure out what part of this they legally have to blur. laughter now, say hi to our jazz delegation, everybody jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen i like it. There you go. And, last night, trump and pence gave their first joint interview on 60 minutes. 60 minutes, of course, apparently the amount of time trump spent learning about mike pence before choosing him. Already have great chemistry. Talking with him in private settings, i love the words you used, because this man is awed with the American People<\/a> and he is not intimidated by the world. And donald trump, this good man, i believe, will be a great president of the United States<\/a>. I love what he just said. laughter applause stephen hey hey hey hey hey, get a room, you two just, not the oval office, okay . And check it out, they gave the interview in trumps penthouse apartment while sitting on these giant golden chairs. Im beginning to believe trumps plan to fix the economy involves melting down his dinette set. laughter now, throughout this interview last night, the two kept finding things that they have in common. At least, ive read, a very youre a brash new yorker. Religious. Religious . Religious, yeah. You . Yeah, religious. Hey, i won the evangelicals. That doesnt mean well, i think it means a lot. Stephen to quote our lord and savior jesus christ. Wow. cheers and applause thats some. Yes, that guys got some loaves and fishes, if you know what i mean. Yes, trump won the evangelicals, which proves hes religious. The same way you prove youre a family man if you eat a family sized tub of cheese balls. But leslie stahl did find some things the two disagreed on. Do you think john mccain was not a hero, because he was captured . I have a great deal of respect for john mccain. Do you think he went too far . You can say yes. On that one you can say yes. Thats fine. Stephen you can say yes. You can say yes. Say whatever you want. Tell her what you really think. I mean, its fine, my man. You can answer. Im not going to get in the way. Next question. Next question. laughter now, you would think, personally, i think pence would have more empathy for mccain because after this interview, he clearly knows what its like to be held prisoner. But i think applause . . You can talk, you can talk. Go ahead and talk, make the sounds with your mouth and the lippy flap. laughter but i think trumps finest moment is when he finally stood up to Leslie Stahls<\/a> bullying. Youre not known to be a humble man. But i wonder i think i am actually humble. I think im much more humble than you would understand. laughter stephen yeah, yeah, im humble. How many more buildings do i have to put my name on before you understand how humble i am . All right . Big league modest man, believe me, i belong to the admiral class fourstare diamond humble club which, by the way leslie, you would never get in, youre a six at best. laughter well be right back hopefully with an old friend. I feel my basic cable senses tingling. Stick around cheers and applause spend 30 at target on everything they need for back to school. And get a free 5 gift card . . Every day, youre thankful for the ones you love. And every day you promise to protect them. Off is here to help with proven protection against mosquitoes. Trust our family to protect yours. Sc johnson, a Family Company<\/a> our longest lasting energizer max ever. These pants always smelled like yogaaroma. Id wash them, and itd be back before i even got to class. Finally, i discovered new tide odor defense. It eliminates the yoga aroma. So i can breathe easy dont just mask odors. Eliminate them with new tide odor defense. If its gotta be clean, its gotta be tide. In a world that needs a hero, justice is spelled box. Say hello to a powerful tool that gives you options to fit your budget. . Oh, im tied to this chair . Dundundaaaa mention he can save people nearly 600 . You havent even heard my catchphrase. Im all done with this guy. Box him up. David was proud to be an american soldier. And i know im prejudiced because he was my son, but i dont think he had a mean bone in his body. There is not a day that i dont think about david. When i saw donald trump attack another gold star mother, i felt such a sense of outrage. She was standing there, she had nothing to say. If donald trump cannot respect a gold star family, cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back i hope you can tell, i am sure you are too, i am very excited about what happened this week. Im really excited about whats going to happen this week going to happen this week. How can we guess what will happen when we cant begin to explain how we got here . laughter how did donald trump get the nomination . I know i cant explain it. But i think i know somebody who might be able to. Excuse me. Ill be right back. Hold on. Ill be right back. Dont go anywhere. Ill be right back. knocking yawn this is not a pokemon gymnasium anymore. Go catch with your friends somewhere else. Stephen jon, jon its me its stephen. Bubbe. Stephen how are you . I was just having a little chai ka making it myself stephen no, jon, jon listen. I know that you and your beard are very busy these days. But im here to tell you that its the Republican National<\/a> convention this week. Oh, well, i think they had one of those four years ago stephen no, theyre doing another one jon. Listen, you will not believe who the nominee is. The old jon stewart talked about politics and things like that. Me, im not, i dont jeb bush will be a great nominee. Everything will be fine. Stephen jon, its not jeb. Jon, its not jeb. Im going to tell you who the little parched, if i may please. Stephen oh, you want to take a little just enough to wet the whistle before you tell me nominee. So before you say the name, if you dont mind, i wouldnt mind bringing liquid stephen because you presently dont know who it is. Are you ready . Yeah. If i may. Stephen its donald trump. laughter what . stephen yep the guy from the apprentice . Stephen yep. The guy who did the mcdonalds commercial with grimace . Stephen same guy. The guy who filed for bankruptcy in. Stephen and 92. And 2004. Stephen and 2009. That guy stephen yes mike tysons business advisor, that guy . Stephen indeed, the same guy. The guy whose eyes look like tiny versions of his mouth. Stephen yes, the guy who looks like an angry creamsicle. Decomposing jackolantern. Stephen human toupee hybrid that guy stephen yes a guy who looks like heres actually wearing a donald trump costume. That guy. Stephen yes, a loose fitting one at that. Yes. Stephen same guy. The guy who wrote oftentimes when i was sleeping with one of the top women in the world, i would say to myself, can you believe what i am getting . That guy. Stephen yes, the same guy who said i have black guys counting my money, i hate it. The only guys i want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day. That guy. Stephen yes. That guy. By the way, we wear them all night, too. Stephen so you can see why im here. You understand what im asking for. Ill wait. frantic muttering and screaming the guy from the Republican Convention<\/a>. That guy. Stephen hello, friend. Im sorry i cant help you, you see, jon and i are very happy living off the grid, making jerky and canning our own urine for the end times. You said it was gatorade. Stephen you see, im sure its not jeb, actually. Stephen its not jeb . I thought it was going to be jeb too a few years ago. But its not, its a different guy. Stephen who is it . Wet your whistle before you do. Stephen really . Yes. Stephen let me get a mouthful. Its donald trump stephen what yes stephen hold this get out of my way call me if youre going to be late oh, thats good urine. Yankee Doodle<\/a> dandy playing cheers and applause stephen woo audience chanting Stephen Stephen<\/a> yes hello, nation cheers and applause did you miss me . I know i did. Well, its time to say aloha to Stephen Colbert<\/a>, and aloha to cheers and applause wow, look at this place, the host must have quite an ego. Lets fix it up, jimmy . cheers and applause thats better. Ready to do this thing . Ready to do this thing . Is that the truth hole . Is this where its going . All right. Nation, right now, americans are angry, confused and lashing out a lot of folks are wondering how america, gods girlfriend, ended up in a relationship with this guy. Well, shhhhh daddys here. I know a lot of you are out on the ledge right now. When im done, i promise, you will be jumping for joy. Because this is just the brave new world of american democracy, and it brings me to tonights word. cheers and applause trumpiness cheers and applause folks, let me tell you, people who dont support trump feel like the world has gone crazy. Well, get in line. laughter because the people who do support trump have felt that way ever since the manufacturing jobs started going to china. Its about what voters feel. And right now at least half of americans feel their voices arent being heard laughter and let me tell you, folks, that goes for both sides, whether they be strong conservatives or morally bankrupt liberals laughter think about this just consider why people stood behind bernie sanders. You see, bernie, he understood their emotions. They said, i feel the bern laughter now, just to remind you, 11 years ago, i invented a word truthiness. You see, truthiness is believing something that feels true even if it isnt supported by fact. Truthiness truthiness. Right . cheers and applause you know who had a brain . laughter ill tell you. Adolph hitler. So, naturally, brains arent good. Naturally, i admire this man. In fact, i see myself in him. Were both overthetop tv personalities who decided to run for president. But i admit, ladies and gentlemen but i admit, ladies enough cheers and applause im humble enough to admit he has surpassed me now. Truthiness has to feel true, but trumpiness doesnt even have to do that. In fact, many Trump Supporters<\/a> dont believe his wildest promises and they dont care. laughter yes they dont care keep if he wont keep his wildest promises and if he doesnt ever have to laughter and heres the deal truthiness was from the gut but trumpiness clearly comes from much further down the gastrointestinal tract. cheers and applause keep in mind, and i want to be clear about something his supporters know this. His supporters arent dumb. Take the border wall. Just last month at a rally, trump said were going to build a wall and its going to be a one of his supporters at that same rally pointed out, i think if he strengthens the borders, it will be the same as building the wall. The wall can be built even without having to be built. Yes, if you can feel the wall, you dont have to see the wall. laughter these, i want to be clear about this. These legitimately angry voters dont need a leader to say things that are true or feel they need a leader to feel things that feel feels laughter and that is why i believe donald trump is a leader for our times. An emotional megaphone for voters full of rage at a government that achieves nothing, an Economic System<\/a> that leaves them behind, and politics that elects people unfit for the job. And if you dont share their feeling that you dont recognize your country anymore, trust me, if trump wins, you will. And th t that other guy will be right back after these commercials. Stick around. cheers and applause band playing and here we have 1893, from the makers of pepsi cola. Im gonna swirl it. Im gonna smell it. Im just gonna take one small sip. Ahhh refined. 1893. Made with kola nut extract and real sugar. Boldly blended colas. Its stunningly beautiful, a Perfect Blend<\/a> of performance and design. The worlds thinnest laptop, the new premium hp spectre. Sir you need to turn that off now. The new hp spectre with intel core i7 processor. Hp. Keep reinventing. For complete protection all day and night make nexium 24hr your 1 choice. . . . . . . Drive the world forward. Introducing the firstever cadillac ct6. Introducing tmobiles most epic deal ever get a free Samsung Galaxy<\/a> for everyone in the family. Thats right, a free Samsung Galaxy<\/a> with every new line and get 4 lines with 6 gigs each for just 30 bucks a line. So get tmobile now. Stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much folks, that was exciting. It was really great. It was really great to see jon stewart again. Time this week. cheers and applause now, my first guest tonight has starred in some of the biggest movies of all time. Her latest is star trek beyond. Stephen please welcome zoe band playing stephen you like the place . These are all your friends . Stephen these are all our friends. Theyre your friends, too. Very nice people. We only let the nicest people in here. I can tell. Thank you stephen now listen, im going to go fan boy on you in just a minute because im an enormous fan of your movies and your performances. But since this is a Convention Night<\/a> and that is the theme of our week, i just want to quickly ask you, do you follow politics at all . I am. I do have 20monthold twins. Stephen you seem concerned. Im worried. I dont know. American that im looking out, you know, and im sort of thinking, im a little worried. Stephen its going to be okay. Okay. Stephen i promise you. Whoever wins, there is a good chance that this Time Next Year<\/a> there still will be a United States<\/a> of america. Okay. Stephen thats fairly certain. Okay, good. Because im a little bit of an extremist. I tend to, im an actress, right, im dramatic by nature. Stephen drama queen uh, yeah. Stephen so you have 20 monthold twins . Es stephen oh my god, how do you get anything done . I dont know. I dont know. Caffeine. Stephen oh, im all for it. A husband that i just boss around, michael, do this and michael do that and like a lot of people that just, i mean, im the best at going, oh, hi, hey can you hold here . Im really good at that. And i love the kindness of strangers. Its amazing. Stephen so you hand your baby to strangers sometimes, is what youre saying. Stephen occasionally, occasionally. Did i mention i have 20 monthold twin identical boys . Stephen yes, i can understand why youre worried. Well, lets talk about star trek beyond for a second. Im so looking forward to this movie. Im a huge fan of both the series and the two movies youve done already and your performances overall. Thank you. Stephen before we get started, i just wanted to say im so sorry to hear of the passing of anton yelchin. He seemed like such a wonderful actor. And you guys were together for so long. Nine years working on these films together. When we met him, and he was the youngest one of the crew and i almost feel like he was the wisest one. Its a terrible loss. Were mourning. Hes an irreplaceable person and the kindest person, and he loved what he did. So, im here today and the rest of the cast and j. J. And justin, were here promoting the movie mainly for him because he would have wanted that. Stephen well, i loved his thank you. applause stephen i think all of these movies have such a hopeful, forwardlooking quality to them. Its not just Science Fiction<\/a>. Its not like a dystopian Science Fiction<\/a>. Its the Science Fiction<\/a> of my youth, where the future is so bright youve got to wear shades did you well, i mean, it always sparks these amazing conversations at my house. Like whenever we talk about like you know, shows like star trek, can you imagine because, like, barack obama mentioned being a fan of the show, that maybe this was one of the shows that really inspired him to believe that he could actually be president of the United States<\/a> of america. Stephen which, im not the first person to say that he is part vulcan. Because he is part vulcan. Stephen hes got a very logical, very cool demeanor. It makes perfect sense. Stephen exactly. Like take Gene Roddenberry<\/a> for example, stephen the creator of star trek. He was a cop and he was very disappointed and just moved by what he was seeing in the world he created this concept of something of what he would have liked to have seen life to be. And here we are 50 years later, and it continuously inspires people. So i do believe that art has the ability to inspire and inflict hope on people. And i, i like taking on that responsibility of being a part of good work. Stephen were you a Science Fiction<\/a> fan when you were younger . Yes, but not of star trek. Stephen okay. Of the interview, please. laughter its fine, its fine. Stephen what did you like . My mother watched it, so i always liked, i would like when she would share those special anecdotes of why star trek was so special to her. I was of a different generation but i always knew it was something big, you know . Because it meant something to all people. Stephen thats a very polite way of saying youre much younger than i am. You said a very different generation. I had no idea. We look like were of the same time . Stephen the same time period. laughter wow yeah, yeah. Stephen what was eisenhower like . Different sides of the spectrum, but were good. Were doing good. Stephen well, you have been in some of the greatest Science Fiction<\/a> projects of all time. Obviously, star trek, but guardians of the galaxy, which i think is the best sort of translation. Thank you cheers and applause stephen i love it. And gamora is an incredible character, and also avatar, which i understand you guys are making more of them. Yes, were making four more. Stephen wait, youre making four more . Yes. Yes. I dont mind. Its okay. Stephen yeah, were the same age. Yeah, yeah. But, i think im going to be shooting my space movies until im, like, 45. Stephen oh, wow that old. laughter thank you so much for being here. It was lovely to meet you. cheers and applause star trek beyond will be in theaters july 22. Zoe saldana, everybody well be right back americans, i dont understand you. [baby crying] always busy making something. But what has all this ambition ever gotten you . That youre the greatest nation in the world . Where all your dreams come true . The galaxy note7 with s pen. Perfect for busy americans like us. [bark] do more, with the new galaxy note7. Whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day and they like keep talking about back to School Shopping<\/a> . Back to school is like our red carpet. Just go to old navy. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes<\/a> up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. And they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. Noice dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Whos excited . Who wants to go shopping . Like those braids arent easy to tie. . Nope. . A how do i retire at 50 side. . Hang in there, dan. . Sure, you can keep the kitty side. . . Thats why theres nationwide, . . Helping to grow and protect your many sides. . cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much you know folks, these conventions can be fun to watch, but for the people involved it is a blood sport that we just watch. It is bareknuckle brawling. Its, its like the hunger games. No, its worse than that. Its the hungry for power games cheers and applause ha ha i have arrived at the 2016 Republican National<\/a> hungry for power games quicken loans arena, named for a money lender so you know its ruthless caligula, lets go this years power games are a big tent. Of course, all races and creeds you want to go up to the executive suites, in which case you will want to use the white elevators. laughter ha ha welcome to the arena, citizens so grand, it can almost hold Donald Trumps<\/a> entire head. laughter whats that . Yes oh, oh lets go the red carpet, of course, is here to hide the rivers of blood from the cornucopia, when donald trump, flanked by his two eunuchs takes the stage. By two eunuchs i of course mean paul ryan and Reince Preibus<\/a> who clearly checked their balls at the door this election. cheers and applause the new jersey delegation has saved one front row seat for Chris Christie<\/a> to have the best possible view of the end of his career. You wouldnt mind. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent oh thats good, who wrote that . Thats fresh hello, excuse me. Im about to go live. Stephen youre about to go live . Oh, right. I apologize. But do you want to stephen youre on telemundo . Do they let telemundo in here . Yes of course. Stephen you didnt have to burrow in around Donald Trumps<\/a> wall . No. Stephen theres no wall outside keeping telemundo out . Stephen answer a question for me por favor. Quies mas macho . Donald trump or Hillary Clinton<\/a> . No comment. Stephen is that spanish . Because i dont understand. speaking spanish stephen that sounds delicious but im all full. North carolina has staged themselves strategically next to the bathrooms so they can check everyones genitalia before they, you know, cast their ballots, as you say. I have a weasel in my pants. Chuck todd have matt lauer washed and brought to my tent my weasel wants to make love to meanwhile, liberal Washington State<\/a> has positioned itself near to the bathrooms male, female, and im gonna say mystery date. Anything goes there was only one thing left to do and only one place i was not supposed to do it. cheers and applause welcome, citizens, to the 2016 hungry for power games ha ha beautiful this week in this arena, the republicans have proved they are truly passionate about one candidate Hillary Clinton<\/a> they would do anything to stop her up to and including nominating donald j. Jonah jameson trump but tribute trump will not enter the arena alone, no he has formed an alliance with indiana governor mike pence laughter sorry, i blacked out there for a so it is my honor to hereby launch and begin the 2016 Republican National<\/a> hungry for power games look, look, i know im not supposed to be up here, but lets be honest, neither is donald trump well be right back with more of our Live Convention<\/a> special stick around cheers and applause . Its applebees new wood fired grill menu. On. Theres something for every craving. Like savory woodfire grilled chicken with two sides for just 9. 99. The new wood fired grill. Only at applebees for little moments that are more than a little messy try new johnsons headtotoe cleansing cloths twice as big as average wipes for an all over clean when there is no time for a bath. Which saves time, which saves money. And when they save, you save. Thats auto and Home Insurance<\/a> for the modern world. 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Introducing. Schmindex look windex makes glass too spotless and too dangerous. But shmindex makes it dirty cheers and applause band playing its time for some straight talk. If youve ever been lured in by a low price wireless plan. Then theres not enough highspeed data. Or your bill is packed with overages and mystery fees. Stop falling for it with straight talks unlimited plan, you get americas largest, most dependable 4g lte networks. No contract, no tricks. Its time to ask yourself. Why havent i switched . Get any of the latest lg phones or bring your own phone. Find out more at straighttalkswitch. Com its all about tees. This thursday to sunday at kohls. Awesome deals on graphic tees, character tees, striped tees and more plus, friends and family. Yup, thats you. Get an extra 20 percent off and everyone gets kohls cash too. Now thats the good stuff. Kohls. . Our longest lasting energizer max ever. Discover card. Im not a discover customer but im calling about that credit scorecard. to dog give it to me. Give it. Oh, sure we give it to everyone for free. Oh, well thats nice. to dog go get it you can go get it yourself online and see your fico credit score right there. Great to dog thats a good boy. Thanks . Oh, and you can even see how your current card compares to others out there. What, now . Get your credit scorecard at discover. Com. Stephen and now an important moment about our political conventions. . Good evening. Im sam waterson. This is a monumentally important time in american history, which the National Hall<\/a> of importance where we enshrine the most important events in our nations history, the signing of the declaration of independence, the moon landing, the first planking. Thank you for your service. Tonight we take an important look at the democratic and Republican National<\/a> convention, in democracy. But many forget their shocking dark side. The 2000 democratic National Convention<\/a> in los angeles began as a peaceful affair but ended in tragedy when al gore, starving and delirious from non stop campaigning, took the stage and attempted to eat his wifes face. laughter truly, an inconvenient smooch. And who can forget the chicago 1968 Democratic Convention<\/a> when mass panic erupted after a kentucky delegate knocked over a beehive, swarming the streets with enraged bees. No matter how hard the police tried to knock the bees off the citizens, it didnt seem to help. Of course, the 1924 Republican Convention<\/a> was the first to be broadcast on radio, and the new when americans heard Calvin Coolidges<\/a> voice and assumed he was a ghost trapped in their walls. It is inescapable chaos and uncertainty such as this that once made Benjamin Franklin<\/a> remark, if being president means going to a convention, id rather be struck by lightning. Hang on that gives me an idea thunder from the National Hall<\/a> of importance, i remain sam waterson. Stephen . Stephen thank you, sam. , everyone complains about millennials. Nonsense. Millennials, i salute you. You save money like no other generation. You share cars, wifi passwords, canoes, deodorants. My grandson bought a pair of pants with me. Todays his pants day. Stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group<\/a> at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready yall to have some fun . Feel the love tonight come on baby . Lets gonna try to get some oh yeah . Its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from cronuksburg,","publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"archive.org","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","width":"800","height":"600","url":"\/\/ia801204.us.archive.org\/18\/items\/KCNC_20160820_043500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert\/KCNC_20160820_043500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert.thumbs\/KCNC_20160820_043500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert_000001.jpg"}},"autauthor":{"@type":"Organization"},"author":{"sameAs":"archive.org","name":"archive.org"}}],"coverageEndTime":"20240625T12:35:10+00:00"}