Please listen attentively to this mornings announcements. For lunch today, we are having salisbury steak with potato fingers and carrot coins. There will be no dessert. We are having a pep rally for our firststring sponsors in the gym at 2 30. Attendance is mandatory. Would the following characters please report to my office businesscasual satan; hairspraybraham lincoln; and mr. Jellybeans, gorillaatlaw. Youve all been cut from tonights show. audience reacts and to whoever keeps stealing my precious meowmories collectable ceramic cat statues i will find you, and i will end you. And now, as always, we end these late show morning announcements by reciting the cbs pledge. Please stand. Columbia broadcasting system. I will not swear. I will not be lewd. Cbs all access is Available Online for 9. 99 across a number of platforms. All hail the allseeing eye. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes aaron suskind, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen hey, everybody . cheers and applause whats up . Whats up, jon . Jon you lookin good cheers and applause stephen hey please, have a seat youre very kind. Welcome to the late show, everybody. laughter im happy to say im your host Stephen Colbert. Lets get right to it, the only news that matters the cubs won the world series cheers and applause thats right the curse is lifted for the first time in a century, wrigleyville is covered in victory vomit laughter congratulations, chicago whispering i mean, congratulations, chicago. I know you just woke up. Shhh. Lay your head back down on that halfchewed italian beef and snuggle up to the goat you brought home. You earned it because last night incredible incredible a grown man, i cried last night was a storybook extrainnings world series classic a leadoff homerun, big leads swept away in seconds, rolling out the tarps in the bottom of the ninth, five hours of grown men chewing and spitting between the rain delay and the gallons of saliva, joe madden had to go to the mound in water wings. Finale after working through all their starters, the cubs had to swap out their closer, aroldis chapman, for this guy, who appears to be chapmans 11yearold nephew who asked to pitch in the world series for his birthday but is carl edwards, jr. Congratulations, carl. cheers and applause last night, the announcers gave title. The cubs last won the World Championship in 1908. Who was alive in 1908 . Al capone was a nineyearold. Stephen wow. Al capone was one hardliving nineyearold. The gmen must have got him on charges of hopscotch racketeering. People are wondering what finally pushed the cubbies over well, it might have been their lucky stephen. cheers and applause the cubs were kind enough to come here and invite my friend Donnie Franks to wrigley. Just saying. They hang out with me, they win the world series. Its math. applause plus, fun fact about meeting the cubs in person, i am even smaller and weaker. laughter in addition to me, one of the major reasons the cubs won last night was because of their president of baseball operations, theo epsteen, who now owns the title of most famous theo. Sorry, malcolm jamal warner. You had a good run. At the age of 28, epsteen became the red sox general manager and gave them a world series title, breaking the curse of the bambino. Which, if youre not familiar with sports, is when babe ruth dumped a bunch of tea into the man who i paid to say im right says im right over there. Okay. Then epsteen moved onto the cubs, giving them their first world series title in 108 years, destroying the curse of the billy goat and the less famous curse of just sucking. laughter the tough one to shake. Political season and you know whos from illinois and is a big cubs fan is Hillary Clinton. Shes probably happy about this. cheers and applause could be a nice moment for her. And she could use any good news, since the f. B. I. Announced they may have discovered more of her emails. She really should have hidden them wherever donald trump keeps his taxes. Because we cant find those anywhere cheers and applause and there is some huge donald trump news, and that is that there is no donald trump news. It seems like donald trump is laying low right now. Just listen to what he said at a rally yesterday. We are going to win the white house, going to win it. Its feeling like it already, isnt it . Just weve got to be nice and cool. Nice and cool, right . laughter no sidetracks, donald. Nice and easy. Nice. Stephen stay cool, donald. Stay cool. Nice and easy. Dont say your inner thoughts out loud. Whatever you do, dont refer to yourself in the third person. Freaks voters out. Those actually arent voices in his head. Theyre his advisers telling him to be cool. Hes imitating them. And we actually have some footage of a strategy session. Play it cool, boy. laughter real cool. Easy, action laughter applause cheers and applause pow, pow pow easy, donald easy, boy boy, boy crazy boy drum beat it is like Westside Story because both candidates are from new york and much like the yes, it is, trump is about to rumble with hispanics. audience reacts jon oh. Stephen point, is trump has a real to screw it up. In fact, while hillary has booked a Big Convention center for her Election Night celebration, a source familiar with trumps plans said his party will be relatively small because trump is superstitious, and doesnt want to jinx things. Yes, donald trump is very superstitious. In fact, a black cat is the only pussy he wont grab. cheers and applause . Weve got a great show for you tonight. Aaron eckhart is here. Ill be back to talk about all cheers and applause . Fact. People spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. Advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. Gentle, nonhabit forming advil pm. Why the phelps face . Old computer slowing you down . You know. I know. New computers are superfast. And yet here you are with a new world record for the slowest computer. You know about it, now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc. . Simulation initiated. Take on any galaxy with a car that could stop for you. Simulation complete. The new nissan rogue. Rogue one a star wars story. In theaters december 16th. Woman after all donald trump has said and done. She ate like a pig. You can do anything. I moved on her like a b h woman trumps just so disgusting and degrading. Hes bragged about assaulting women, and hes the republican nominee for president and congressman mike coffman said he didnt know if Donald Trumps a sexual predator. Come on. Look, we just cant vote for coffman or trump. House majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. When i became governor, i knew we had to protect our colorado way of life. Its why i need a good team in the state senate. Like rachel zenzinger, a former teacher whos fought for equal pay for equal work. To help seniors afford their utility bills. Jenise may worked to cut taxes for 30,000 small businesses. And tom sullivan is a veteran who believes in an open and transparent government. Theyd be a great team in the state senate. Gentlemen jon batiste and stay human, everybody give it up best band on Television Cheers and applause singing hey welcome back. I stayed up pretty late last night. Shocking election news, by the way. I just found this out, during the commercial break, the New York Times broke the story that, according to the Clinton Campaign bought the apartment below trumps to secretly record him. Thats incredible and with good reason. I made it up. But you believed it, right . Why . Because this is election is bleep insane cheers and applause the time and somehow become news. A recent study found that Hyperpartisan Facebook pages are consistently feeding millions of followers false or misleading information. And the less truthful the content, the more frequently it was shared. Ive never trusted my facebook feed. In fact, im beginning to think that dog didnt meet the real gumby. No one knows whats true anymore. No one knows what reality is. Thats why its been so easy to start these actual conspiracy theories about the election, like does Hillary Clinton have a body double; Donald Trumps sabotaged microphone; the debate cocaine; googles prohillary algorithms; and the wackiest rumor of all, that donald trump has a 35 chance of being president applause sound bad. Like a onethird chance of him being president. Think of it this way its just like america playing russian roulette with two bullets. With all these paranoid theories swirling around, its impossible to know what to believe, so why not believe everything . Now you can in my segment, the late show presents Stephen Colberts tinfoil hat. cheers and applause as always, brought to you by reynolds wrap keeps the radio signals out of your skull and all the flavor in. laughter the aliens will thank you when they pop a straw in your noggin to suck out your brains like a capri sun. Welcome to the truth bunker. This is where i share the secret know about, which have been revealed to me by my exclusive source nyquil severe cold and flu. Mmm. Speak to me, dextromethorphan oh, i am trippin balls laughter okay, whats coming in right here . This is just coming over my dot matrix printout of all of facebook. Heres the first rumor coming in. Is it possible weve all been groped by donald trump but just didnt feel it because of his tiny baby hands . laughter applause wait, wait, wait somethings just come in over the wire and if santa claus is always watching, why didnt he save kennedy . Wait, im getting a message via hold on. Hold on. laughter hes fine. Okay. All right, here. Just come in from the conspiracy pigeon. Is it possible that upstate weddings are a sham invented by the putting chandeliers in barns industry . laughter whats that, pigeon . What did you want to say in my deaf ear . Whats that . Could it be that clams and mussels are actually the same thing, and that thing is oysters . laughter tell the world laughter all right, let me just check on my buddies on the open road. Breaker, breaker, i got a conspiracy on the flip flop. How come we havent seen chumbawumba in nearly 20 years . laughter did they get knocked down and not get up again . Get on back to me on this one its the perfect plan. Every house has at least one and you never throw it away, just in case you need to tighten your smyordbilla. Okay, all right. Lets move on. Whats this . Hold on. Whats this. Got to keep the juices in okay. I forgot to put it on earlier, they heard everything i said okay. Lets go to the lets lead the tea leaves. Its clear. Okay. The message is why havent i ever seen a dog chase a cat in real life . Who wants us to think they hate each other . A message over the walkietalkie hold on. Im coming im coming hello . Hello . Yes. Hello . Yes. Are the lyrics to american pie actually a coded message trying laughter somethings coming in over here. Hold on. Whats this . Got to keep it tight. Whats that . Its the conspiracy pigeon. Whats it . Come in, pigeon why do gary johnson voters still have to go to the polls on election day when they could just as easily flush their ballot down the toilet at home . cheers and applause whats this . Whats this . Oh, here it is would you believe that if you rearrange the letters in donald trump, you get tan dump lord . laughter true. Im guessing you would. Whats that . The chip the illuminati implanted in my brain tells me thats it for this edition of tinfoil hat. But always remember the truth well be right back with Aaron Eckhart. cheers and applause . I thought i was managing my moderate to severe crohns disease. I didnt think there was anything else to talk about. But then i realized there was. So, i finally broke the silence with my doctor about what i was experiencing. He said humira is for people like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohns disease. Saw significant symptom relief. And many achieved remission. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, ill just managing your symptoms, talk with your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, remission is possible. The easiest decision youll make all week is to shop kohls this weekend because kohls will give you tax break savings with an extra 10 percent off and an extra 10 dollars off your purchase of 25 dollars or more everyone gets kohls cash too kohls. The world is full of surprising moments. Theyre everywhere. And as a marriot rewards member, 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts at members. Marriott. Com. This is pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause pepsi zero sugar. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Hats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, scott tipton our congressman . Or is he a realestate agent for bigmoney Campaign Contributors . Tipton sponsored a bill to give away our public lands to his outofstate donors. Over 30 colorado Business Leaders called tiptons plans, a serious threat to the Outdoor Recreation industry and. Thousands of jobs. And wont put colorados future up for sale. House majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. Hillary clinton im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. Vo in times of crisis america depends on steady leadership. Donald trump knock the crap out of them, would you . Seriously. Vo clear thinking. Donald trump i know more about isis than the generals do, believe me. Vo and calm judgment. Donald trump and you can tell them to y i would bomb the sh t out of them. Vo just one. cheers and applause . Stephen hey, everybody welcome back first, my first guest golden globenominated actor from films such as Erin Brockovich and the dark knight. Now he now stars in the upcoming boxing film, bleed for this. You can. I get pretty sick of people talking to me like im dead, like i died in that car wreck, like its just over for me. Im going to fight again. Thats what everybody here knows. Theyre afraid to say it to your face. Youre not going to fight again. Its over. Stephen please welcome Aaron Eckhart cheers and applause . Im going to sing your praises. The tinfoil segment was off the hook. Youre amazing. We got to some truths. No, i really related to that. Yeah, people think you were joking. Stephen , no, no, i was laughter are you a superstitious person . Yeah. Stephen i shook your handbook stage and you said, now youve ruined it. I had my fingers in my ears and you came and shook my hand. All downhill from there. Stephen do you not watch your own film clips . No. Stephen youre a very good actor. You should watch your own movies. Thank you very much. Stephen do you not like the way you look bald . No, i actually love that. It or six years. I know what im going to look like when i gain some weight and stephen well, you play basically a boxing coach in all this but you like sports of all kinds. Yes, i am a sports fan. Stephen did you watch the world series last night . Its interesting, i was just thinking about this. I was watching at home. Then i got in my home to go to the premiere of bleed for this. I went to the premiere. I went to l. A. X. Listened to it on the way to l. A. X. On the airport i saw it on the television. When i got home, i heard in the back of the car, cubs win. That was the entire streamline of that game yesterday. I went from my house all the way to new york city last night on the red eye and cubs win. Stephen who were you pulling for . To win it . Dont make me do that. Dont make me choose. Stephen come on, grow a pair laughter applause why are you so competitive . Stephen im not at all. Just curious. You dont have to have opinions. Ive gotten this far without having any. No, i liked both coaches. I liked the fact i could relax meanwhile, everybody else is chewing their fingernails off and having a miserable time. Stephen i liked it during the fight. You didnt think of politics at all. I only thought about politics when i was watching this game. And when i think about politics, i think about the cubs. Stephen really . Yeah. Its really interest. A. Stephen a lot of people think about baseball when theyre having always. Batter up laughter stephen you actually like doing sports. You box. Its a boxing movie but you actually like boxing. I did a movie called Erin Brockvich 20 years ago. cheers and applause you know how everybodys got to be beef cake in this business, everybodys got to have the muscles . Stephen tell me about it, my eyes are up here. laughter so i thought, if i have to get in shape for this business, im going to learn a skill, so i learned boxing. So for 20 years, i have on and off continually boxed. Every time i worked out, i rope or shadow box. Ive had trainers. Stephen but do you actually have people throw punches at you . Sometimes, yeah. Stephen but this is where the magic is, baby, youve got to protect the moneymaker. Baby. You know what im saying . cheers and applause stephen i mean, how could you . You enjoy it when somebody punches you in the face . I could say to my trainer, tell me when youre going to punch me and where youre going to punch me. He says, okay, aaron, im going to punch you in the face right there and im going to do it right now. Knowing all that information, i still couldnt get out to have the way of the punch. Absolutely. Stephen do you derive any pleasure from that . Absolutely. Stephen whats the well, you have to toughen yourself up. Stephen you do i saw your monologue. Stephen you have to get a face callous . laughter so you know what its like to be punched in the face. You think i got this nose from god . This nose has been punched in the face.