What is it, stephen . Stephen i never told anybody this, but when i was younger, i briefly had an affair with doyke notes. Trust me, that thing hes holding. It aint a flute. laughter when did this happen . Stephen i was working summer stock on a moisture farm, and port. That place is a wretched hive of scum and vill me. Stephen and love. laughter and love. Anyway, one night i was in the canteen aand i just heard the most beautiful sounds coming from the back of the room, and i turned around and there he was. Looking like a beautiful, upside down testicle. Our eyes met. Later in the night, he played me like a eskanel. You can look that up. So what happened to you guys . Stephen well, he went on the intergalactic circuit, and i went back to high school. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Marion Cotillard. Dev patel. And musical guest dwight yokam. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey thanks, everybody. Stephen good to see you. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. cheers thank you so much. . . . Thank you, folks. Welcome to the late show. Please have a seat, everybody. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Well, i see from the level of my xanax bottle, its been one week since the election of donald trump. Of course, he is not president yet. For the next few months, that is barack obama, who is. cheers and applause nice of you to applaud for him, the country. Hes 5,000 miles away in athenses, seen here getting a preview of what washington will look like in four years. applause meanwhile its nice, its nice. Saves on maintenance. Meanwhile, speaking of crumbling ruins, trump got some bad news today, because here in new york city, residents of three apartment buildings have voted to take the name off their buildings. cheers and applause just clink, clink, clink. They want a name thats less embarrassing, so they used the same letters to spell out rectal pump. Very nice. Very nice. Jon i see that . Stephen yeah. Which is where trump gets most of his ideas. Seems to be going a little rough, because he has fired the head of his transition seam, chris christie, and replaced by mike pence. And, apparently, the sacking was ordered by trumps soninlaw, jared kushner, seen here firing your dad one day before christmas. So the soim, who has the rulers ear is purging those who wronged his family. Except i definitely dont want to imagine any of these people having sex. I just want to take a second. Jared, i know youre trying to connect with your wifes dad, but cant you do normal soninlaw things. Just drive to home depot while watching a College Football game in silence. Theres got to be something you have in common. Hey, you both think ivankas hot talk about that . Coldblooded . Were not were not were not making that up, by the way. I didnt make up that. So, were all left guessing who trump will appoint to his cabinet. Yesterday, it looked like Rudy Guiliani was going to be secretary of state. Today, it sounds like hes back to just being a pair of chattering teeth glued to a whoopie cushion. laughter applause today, theres speculation that trumps attorney general could be his former enemy, ted cruz after cruz was seen exiting trump tower yesterday. Apparently, reporters are just hanging around the lobby of trump tower, making guesses based on who walks in and out the door. laughter my moneys on attorney general pizza delivery guy. laughter applause but, just in case, if it is ted cruz, how would that work . Or is it lyin attorney general ted cruz . Im not sure what the proper name is. Either way, as attorney general, cruz could finally get to the bottom of just why his dad killed j. F. K. laughter applause gotta find out. Hes the man. Today, donald trump assured the public things are under control through his official spokestwitter, saying, very organized process taking place as i decide on my cabinet and many other positions. I am the only one who knows who the finalists are cheers and applause yes trump, only trump, only trump the mag i was in knows who the finallests are. Hes going to reveal the winners in a dramatic ceremony in the rose garden. Rudy guiliani, youre here for the right reasons. Will you accept this state department . Popular vote, i would have campaigned in new york, florida and california and won even bigger and more easily. See, he didnt even want to win the popular vote, just like i didnt want a date for prom. laughter frees you up to make out with any girl there. If i wanted to, but i didnt feel like it. laughter now, i think that for the president elect to be tweeting at all, its it just feels strange, doesnt it . applause so why is trump doing it . Well, a member of the Transition Team says he has a very good reason. Well, i can tell you this the pressure that has got to be on president elect trump is immense, the enormity of the job ahead of him. And so i would have to say if this is his way of relaxing, god bless him. Relaxing . Absolutely. With and he finds this relaxing and his entertainment, let him go with it. Stephen is this really how were going to treat the commander in chief . He likes it. Its fun. Okay . Let him play with the button. It calms him down. Its shiny and red like a toy hhe paws at it. It relaxes to him . What happened to germany . Hes relaxed anyway. Now, im going to call bleep on this. applause twitter isnt trumps entertainment. Its his way around the press. And trump isnt just duck the press online. Hes also ditching them in the real world. As the president elect, donald trump is supposed to remain with whats called a protective press pool, which exists to document the movements of the president , particularly if theres something unexpected or significant happening. Reporters need to be with the catastrophic happens. Im sorry, in case Something Else catastrophic happens. But yesterday, yesterday. cheers and applause clapping for catastrophe laughter but yesterday donald trump and his folks told reporters he was in for the night, then went out for a steak dinner. The only way we know is that a reporter managed to get into the restaurant because she made a reservation. Dont worry, journalists you will have access to the president. Just take this buzzer and go browse barnes noble for a while. It will vibrate when your democracy is ready. applause . . . cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Stick around. Marion cotillard is here. Dev patel is here. Russia with a special celebrity guest. Stick around. . . You dont own me . . Dont try to change me in any way . . Oh . . Dont tell me what to do . . Just let me be myself . The new 2017 corolla with Toyota Safety sense standard. . You dont own me . Toyota. Lets go places. This weekend at kohls its time to get ready for the holidays so deck the halls dress to impress for the School Concert then hurry home to cozy up for a family movie night. At kohls, friends and family save a little more with an extra 20 off so you can give a little more this holiday. Kohls. When cold and flu hold you back that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. Theraflu. For a powerful comeback. New expressmax caplets. Want a feast fit for the season . At red lobsters holiday seafood celebration nothing says treat yourself like any of these indulgent new dishes. So try the new grand seafood feast with tender shrimp, a decadent crab cake, and a lobster tail topped with white wine butter. Or the new wildcaught lobster shrimp trio crispy and garlic grilled red shrimp, and a lobster tail with creamy lobster macandcheese . You wanted a feast, you got it. Feasts like these make the holidays the holidays, so come try one before it ends. Hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Everybody. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Jon, my friend we have this week and half of the next week doing shows. I need to know and this is a serious question im supposed to ask you, are you coming to thanksgiving dinner . Because i asked you two weeks ago, and i havent gotten a firm answer yet. And were trying to, you know, put the menu together. Jon get everything not coming . Jon its complicated . laughter . Stephen really . Do you want to bring a date . Is that the issue . Jon yeah, can i bring a date. Stephen yeah, you can bring a date. Jon so you want me to commit right now on tv . laughter . Stephen yeah. laughter you can say no. Youre not going to hurt my feelings. Just say, i cant make it. Ill catch you next year. Jon its complicated. Its more complex than that. Stephen youd like to make it. Jon yes. Stephen id like to make room for you. I have ton. My wife is putting the screws to me right now. Shes like, youve got to tell me. Were renting chairs and everything. Jon give me until after the taping. Stephen all right, if its not you, im going to invite two of people here. Jon hey . Stephen no snow noe jon what a even though it looks like Hillary Clinton will take the popular vote, we have to accept that the winner of this election was a washington outsider who no one thought had a shot at running this country. Can pew. Vladimir putin. Because while Donald Trumps position on a lot of issues is unclear, he has a Firm Position on putin. Im going to guess missionary. Heres a little reminder. Jim . Putin calling trump a talented, very colorful person. It is always a great honor to be so nicely complimented by a man so highly respected within his own country and beyond. He called me a genius. He said, donald trump is a genius, and hes going to be the leader of the party, and hes going to be the leader of the world, or something. He called me a genius. Im going to disavow it . Are you crazy . If he says great things about me, im going to say great things about him. Hes been a leader far more than our president has been a leader. The man has very strong control over a country. Stephen yes, and soon hell have very strong control over two countries. The c. I. A. Says clearly russia hacked the democrats. And yesterday, michael rogers, the sitting head of the n. S. A. , says the Clinton Campaign was targeted by a foreign power. This was not something that was done casually. This was not something that was done by chance. This was not a target that was selected purely arbitrarily. This was a conscious effort by a nationstate to attempt to achieve a specific effect. Stephen and immediately after the election, trump besties had a convothis week. Taernl they talked about what the trump folks call, the historical u. S. Russia relationship that dates back over 200 years. Yes, for 200 years, when you think russia, you think friend. Wait a second, whats another word for friend . The evil empire. Stephen thank you. applause applause . Stephen thats the great communicator right there. Jon thats right, thats right. Stephen during their phone call, the new celebrity power couple im going with donomir prumpin discussed threats and challenges facing the United States, which were easy to remember because the threat, was talking to the challenge. The kremlin says that this is part of joint efforts to normalize relations. Dont normalize it its not normal once again, its weird. For petes sake. Our interests. Lindsey graham said, this calculation by trump unnerves me to my core. And Lindsey Graham doesnt have a core. Ive done pilates with him. laughter and yesterday, john mccain released a blistering statement calling putin a former k. G. B. Agent who has plunged his country into tyranny, murdered his political opponents, invaded his neighbors, threatened americas allies, and attempted to undermine americas elections. And mccain knows all about undermining elections. laughter applause despite the fact we know Vladimir Putins a bad guy, trump cartoonishly insists that hes a model for leadership. Here to answer for this is cartoon donald trump. Mr. Cartoon president elect, thank you so much for being here. Happy to be here. Hello, new york. Thank you for your votes stephen actually, dont, dont, dont thank them for their vote. Then screw you for your votes President Trump is raising your rent. Stephen sir, does Vladimir Putin have some strange influence on you . Stephen, absolutely not. Even though Vladimir Putin is a great leader, strong, warm, like steaming bowl of borscht. I will nyet be told what to do by anyone, no matter how handsome they are. Stephen wait a second, thats cartoon Vladimir Putin. What . I had no idea he was sitting there, and, therefore, i am shocked hello, stephen. Thank you for having me on decadent television circus. Stephen mr. Cartoon putin, its being reported that you manipulated our election in favor of donald trump. What reporters are saying this . Give me names. I will fix. That is totally ridiculous. Were working together for the ive agreed to work with him on syria. And in return, ive agreed to call him cool guy. What can i say . Im a negotiator. Stephen carp toon, the donald, how can the next president of the United States embrace a leader who kills journalists and jails political opponents. I dont do that, do i . I dont. Those reports are lies, and anyone who says otherwise will be jailed. Stephen you just got that answer from him. What . No, were just friends were so close, we finish each others. Elections cheers and applause stephen look, look, look, heres the deal. Clearly, weve been in a new cold war. Speaking of temperature, stephen, your studio is very much too hot. Excuse me a moment. Oh, i am sorry. I have revealed my powerful abs and heaving slavic manbosom. Donald, stare into my hypnopecs. You are trusting me. I am trusting you. We are your allies. You are our allies. You will give me alaska. I will give you alaska. And you will hand over moose and squirrel. I will hand over moose and squirrel. laughter good job, donald. Now let us seal the agreement with open mouth summit. S dont make me get the hose cartoon trump and cartoon putin everybody stick around, well be right back with Marion Cotillard knock it off stop it stop it stop it we need a big tree. Something for everyone to gather around. And you know what else im thinking . Lights some help. Got it what do you think bullseye . [ bark ] ok, lets do this hey hows this look . Hmm . Whoa what do ya think . Its like you. Its like you read my mind . . During the ford year end event, discover why ford is americas bestselling brand. . Im on top of the world, hey . With the most 5star ratings. Awardwinning value. And the highest owner loyalty. Thats how you become americas bestselling brand. During the ford year end event get an extra thousand dollars black friday bonus cash on top of all other great offers. Its an amazing time to visit your ford dealer. This is pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause . Sing girl, come on. . [ singing ] . Sorry, ariana you gotta go. Seriously . Verizon limits me and i gotta get home. Youre gonna choose navigation over me . Maps get up here. Umm. That way. Girl you better get on tmobile why pay more for data limits . Introducing tmobile one, unlimited data for everyone. Get four lines just 35 a month. Man, im glad aflac pays cash. Aflac isnt Major Medical enough . No whos gonna help cover the holes in their plans . Aflac like rising copays and deductibles. Aflac or help pay the mortgage . Or child care . Aflaaac and everyday expenses . Aflac learn about one day pay at aflac. Com boat applebees buy one get one free menu means you can try this combination for just 12. 49. Or this one. Or this one. Or, well, you get the idea. Buy one entr . E from the buy one get one free menu and get a second absolutely free. For a limited time. . . . Rsh. My first guest is an Academy Award cheers and applause winning actor who starred in a vie en rose, midnight in paris, and inception. She now stars in allied. You have two seconds, go. Please welcome Marion Cotillard now i know how to welcome you. The last time you were here you went to give me kisses on both ceeks, the way you do in france. Oh, yes. Stephen and i didnt know what i was doing. I was very embarrassed. What did you do . Stephen i only kissed you on one cheek. Well, thats the first step to the second. laughter . Stephen in france, thats rs Just One Kiss on one cheek. Sometimes you kiss four times. Stephen no in some areas of france. Stephen how do you get anything done . You kiss everybody on the mouth because you never know how to stop hello. Stephen sounds like a nice country. Youre youre as famous an actress in the United States as you are in france. Not every european, you know, actor or actress sort of crosses over and is like known everywhere in the United States. Do you like being here, or do i love being here, and no, there are so many things i love about america. And, yeah. Do you want the list . Stephen no, you dont have to list. You dont have to list. You dont have to list at all. Is there anything you dont understand about america . laughter because oh, there are things. Stephen because there are things i dont understand about america right now. The thing i really dont get is how in the middle of winter can you have a. C. On, freezing a. C. On a laughter . Stephen like like you get in somebodys car and they have the a. C. On . Everywhere. Even in the basement. Stephen we sweat a lot. We sweat a lot. Do you . Stephen yeah, were nervous about a lot right now. laughter . Yeah, i get that. Yeah. Stephen we sweat a little bit right now. Do you we just did do you guys have halloween . Because we just finished that over here . Do you guys have halloween over europe. Stephen really . I think it comes from america. I think it comes comes wikipedia,darrylig. Stephen wikipedia. Yeah, they told me it came from europe. Stephen wikipedia told me. I can go on there and change it. Do you guys celebrate it over there, carve the pumpkins and all that