The face test yourself now to talk about that and a few other things here today on the lead line by Steve order your welcome to a special edition of new life but this is classic Friday and all of our calls have already been taken and answered many many months or years ago we brought back some of the best so welcome to new life live on classic friends that live from 30 plus years that I really appreciate the loving way that you help people in this and if you were a weirdo before you became a Christian guess what you are a weirdo today it doesn't yes it lead to change your character and today I didn't step further I actually would put the group about to move about what am I doing now I just want you to notice something that Henry was saying to you Ok Ok he used the 2 strokes of the pope method. Body Welcome to New Life Live Stephen Arbor here with Dr John Townsend Hey John state Hi How are you I'm good we do have every man's battle coming up July 14th in Jacksonville restore that that conference is amazing you you simply if you have ever been involved with somebody with a sexual purity or Section 30 call problem this this could do it all and I just can encourage you more to go and be part restore and that's what it's going to be July the 14th in Orange County and then our intimacy in marriage we mentioned all time because it's so powerful that one is going to be in Washington d.c. On July 21st and it's absolutely wonderful you call us at 1800 new life we'll tell you all about it and if you're interested in life recovery you can go to life recovery groups dot com or call us and ask for Reba if you want to start a life recovery group or you'd like the resources to be a little cheaper than maybe you get them in a bookstore we can help you with that there's a leader's guide that helps you to start your own. Group all you need for a group is a fiver covered by 12 people that would be a group that you know this 2nd Corinthians verse examine yourself. That is just a lot of fun to do. However it's like anything else that you know God tells us that's important always look at the alternative what is the alternative to me going to the ground of brain damage well then I'm going to be if I don't examine myself then reality examines me other people exam me I experience consequence it's always best to flash to the flashlight on me and say has my attitude has my love has my place ships right let's say a person examine themselves and find finds out Ok. I'm stuck I can't stop drinking I can't stop having sex I can't stop being angry Ok so. That was pretty perceptive of that person you know pick up a little nuances right Ok so what the person examines and they've tried harder so what do we tell them Ok you know maybe here's the reason yes here's a great question because when you think examine yourself a lot has people say well that's the whole treatment I examine myself and I say stop doing those bad things Ok you know let's move on but if you get to a doctor and said was my diagnosis he said you had a broken arm if he went to stop doing that you think you know this isn't right right the treatment after the examination is very important made basically treatment is to ask God for help in particular areas of spiritual emotional growth and he gives those to us see my thumb I see you there is an example of I want the doctor if I slammed it in the car door and doctors said yeah you broke it you broke your thumb and but he didn't send me to an orthopedist to set the thing and he said you know those things grow back well it grew back with my thumbnail shorter so you know I could have fixed this thing with the bone wouldn't be sticking out hurting my thumb now so I'm just saying you know the diagnosis the examination is good but you must have the treatment and your life is going to be like a short for. It won't work going to pose right it won't grab things it won't grab on to life Right right and you won't be able to look at it and think pleasant thoughts So anyway that's just the kind of wisdom that you've come to expect here on this program and we've got more of it here 180-229-3000 if you'd like to join us 35 characteristics of a relationship bad a lot of people think maybe 2 would be enough but we've got 35 our resource pleasing others when it's hurting you you're listening to a Classic program from the archives of new life live to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program call 1800 new life the boys will be right back. Hi this is Steven are born from New Life Ministries we know that Christian counseling changes lives we hear evidence of that every day I feel like I'm a person time for the 1st time in my life I feel like I wasn't full before or that I couldn't enjoy life I had such a big weight on my shoulders that I had nothing to look forward to I'm such a better wife and I'm a better daughter friend a better worker I absolutely free our nationwide network of licensed Christian counselors means there is help available near you anybody can they bring Christian counseling they need to do what they need to take such that you don't have to be stuck where you are but you can't really expect to change unless you take action so call us today 1800 new life he could be the start of a whole new life for you Christian counseling works and we can help call 1800 new life today someone who cares is always there at 1800 new life. Welcome back to this classic program from the archives of life lived to make a tax deductible gift or order any of the products mentioned on today's program called 1800 new life now back to the boys for back Stephen or when you're with Dr John Townsend and your phone calls let's go to the phones let's talk to vent sees calling from Sacramento California listens to k. . Hello vents. I'm good. Had a question about how to establish trust and safety with a girl who is kind of reluctant to open up. And she's reluctant to open up Yes Ok. I met her on economy a couple of months ago and Harmony dot com Yeah we need a full full disclosure I'm a shareholder of b. Harmony dot com plan for the day anything I say good is an attempt as opposed to the harm done. Net right it's anything I would say is an attempt to increase the value of my stock so Ok then you matter there yeah have you talked to her on the phone oh we it was 2 months ago that we've been we've been met in person in person for 10 months and so we've met about once a week and she's attractive to you yes and deep in wise in all those neat things yes what's probably. So I've been very platonic with her for the purpose of trying to assess her emotional health at all and she's been involved in past relationship well let's just establish this business we think it's a really good idea. If you did. See those 1st 2 months there Plutonia is a good place to live right and I've also been very transparent with her about letting her just putting myself out there in terms of how so she can know how I think and just my spiritual background and things like that and I've also been trying to kind of draw her out a little bit and just asking many questions and she's been feeling a little threatened by that or she say well if you feel like we're debating arguing and it's give us an example what would you be argument Ok. We don't like we have a little bit different perspective on worship styles she's. More conservative and I'm enjoying contemporary worship better and so I ask her questions of why she likes that better or and she says she doesn't like debate and you ask are you asking information gathering question to get more of her perspective and she felt like it was a debate. Yeah kind of because I'm trying to like drill down deeper in terms of why she thinks that no I totally understand you just trying to find out who she is right and that kind of made her with draw even more and also my fact of medium platonic miss communicated to her that I have a lack of ability to be affectionate. But it was more me trying to protect her heart and not get her heart involved at a time when I'm not sure where she is so has she been seductive to you know you know Ok No Ok so what's the question becomes so I feel like I'm kind of in a deadlock right now and she's reluctant to open up because I'm being kind of friendly employ a tonic and with just the bait issue and I'm being reluctant to show more affection because I don't really know her so is there a way that. I can make her feel safe to open up without getting her heart involved or should I be showing a little bit more support in the function even though I don't quite. Well I I would see the affections a secondary thing to the soul connection Vance and then I would talk to her about I want to get to know you because you know I know of bad experiences I don't know if you've been to have had them but I know people have never dated before Ok now why is that. I've been. Afraid of breaking a girl's heart. Held are you 26. And so you've been afraid of breaking a girl's heart that's a kind of a powerful a powerful stance to take dance I know it's God's been working on my heart to say Well what's what's the conclusion you're reaching as powerful as you thought the conclusion I'm reaching is that I have. I have been trusting God in my relationships as much and I've been afraid that I would lead me into a relationship into a bad relationship yeah I think that's probably at a deeper level more true than I don't want to break somebody's heart must that I'm People have your kind of anxiety has more to do with a fear of their own hurt Ok so so far so good and. Let me let me move back then to answer your question with that new piece of information which would be to tell or look this thing is new to me and if I'm doing it wrong and I want to I don't want to defraud anybody but you know this is why I do what I do because this is all new and I certainly don't want to make anything misunderstood by the physical part but I would say I would go back to the debate part and say I Tell me how Asante in this debate thing because I don't want to do that and put the responsibility on her and say Sally How do I get to know what your opinions are on your values and I understand you would that you feel debate is another way I can do that and often when you put it in their lap then they can tailor Oh yeah because when I tell you my opinion then you tell me 3 reasons why I'm wrong or you tell me what your opinion is and then I have to go with then you say Ok sorry I'm going to just listen to your opinion this time and help her to train you on how to ask her the right questions and often times when a woman or a man gets touched to that level the affection part happens as it should happen which is as Stephen I would believe within you know certain good parameters based on 1st 1st alone and for that you know whole and is number one in don't defraud each other as the Bible says donor from God and all that and so you work out the affection thing and what the good the limits are that there but it's got to come secondary to you guys talking to each other I would not even go into that there's no there's nobody there to be affectionate with until you guys get dialogue strike out work on that you know Vince Young you are a rookie. This is your 1st relationship yes and I would just hope that she would honor you in your discomfort or an ease or if your make conversation that feels like you're argumentative whatever you have been doing this and that and she's the 1st in so if she can't get into that a little bit and because that's kind of a neat thing for someone to be earning the 1st relationship and and so it would tend to. Half a normal person would kind of give you a little more grace and and kind of laugh some things off a little bit if if you were a little rough on the edges there in your 1st relationship now if she's not there if she's not able to really empathize with you and connect in that way then I would say that's a that's in the harmony red flag right there you know. So. Be sure you don't try too hard. You know I mean yeah because you don't want to manipulate her into liking you when maybe you know she she's. The 1st one is someone you might want to pass on. Ok it's just funny how a lot has people think affection comes 1st and then understanding values come 2nd you know it should be the other way around and so you can you start there and stop there and then affection happens because you look in the windows of that person's soul and think we feel the same but so many things and then things that we don't feel the same about we can talk about this is good yeah have you held her hand didn't you know you know. We just she kind of came out and said some of these things about feeling where it's all about debate and this was very recent and it was the 1st time ever given how tired I was the 1st time we kind of touched Yeah after 2 months you know so well yeah Ok very authentic Well I think you got some good boundaries but let me send you boundaries in dating see if that might. Help you know yeah and I let me send you the new Every Man book every man's challenge Ok Ok and glad you call us John anything you want to add to that well yeah I just I. Just thinking about Vance what that must be like for him you know to be entering the world of dating in a world of physical affection and all that and I would make sure I was talking on a regular basis of some some guys that really balance to me and had you know some some information and experience so they can share with him that they're trustworthy people to kind of kind of walk him down this year and he can end up in 10 years saying whoa so glad I kept these limits here and I you know I was able to have some affectionate contact the same time I did and I stated danger and now look what I've got I've got this wonderful connection relationship gone and you know we really want every Yeah you guys are one of 7 on my list of people they're going to get in counsel for you go boy you know and then you might end up writing the book I kiss dating hello and not using the girl but kissing dating you know you know knowing you might have a career there so anyway I hope it goes well for you thanks and God bless you thanks again I'll send those books to anybody else interested in a resource 1800 new life is a place that you can get them before we go to the next call I got to read you an email I got yesterday listen to this my husband had struggled for years with pornography in tilling until attending the every man's battle conference exactly one year ago after losing his job for viewing online pornography at work happens all the time it has been one year and he is still a new man in Christ deal love hearing that John here's a woman saying you know it's a year one year thing is what God this has been life changing for both of us since this issue hit close to home I ordered in red every man's battle the 1st day I heard about it on new life live around 4 years ago thank you for your openness and honesty and serving the Lord business from the Co When you support them in. Street this is the kind of thing that happens and if you're a guy and you've been struggling with sexual integrity you just need to bite the bullet and come to the every man's battle workshop and get the thing taken care of Steve let's go back to that passage you began the program with Examine your stance many times the addict is able to examine themselves because they're so caught up excuse me so caught up in the action and the tension and the release and the guilt and the hiding that you're so busy trying to construct this world that doesn't exist that you don't ever sit down and say what I do want right but get those moments where you think could I have a problem in Newsweek this week there is a an article it's one page on a pastor who was involved. And it says in there that he went to a program he is one of our lives and for life gradually it is you know exciting his battle that's exactly what I mean every man is about I said loser for life because I was thinking about the addiction for life you know wasn't one of we want to lose a lot of things for life that addiction is one of you know but it came to every man's been so so you know people are finding victory and if you're sitting there struggling having sex with yourself saying Oh I'm never do it again all this come on you can fix this call us at 1800 new life and we'll tell you all the never do it again dies it dies hard but once it dies you find a real new life beautiful Let's go to Ginny in North Platte Nebraska k j l t is the station Ginny Yes I can you speak up just a little bit North Platte it's a long way away the answer Ok Ok my basic question is I have myself and quite a mass I've met and I did have the waters. I need to know if it is Ok to go through well the divorce that was never meant to be should never have been. And to return to my x. Husband of 10 years who has never lost hope every star in our marriage and keeps calling and wanted to get back together. The current marriage and her. Orrible we've been separated 7 months it's horrible it has affected my health I have anxiety attacks stress so much stress that I can hardly function anymore. And yet I do have my ex-husband that I should never have left in the 1st place I really didn't have any. Good ground to do what it was that's another story but I'm wondering when I graduated you know any of my Because that is one of the worst situations you could get yourself into now miserable in this marriage yes and the husband asking you to to come back to 0 for 5 years he's been after me since we split up and I've only been remarried for. Well. And my family my my children they're grown up they're adults but my grandchildren and children both love the acts they still keep in contact with and they do not like the current one because he treats them badly he doesn't include them in the family he undermines them he's more so what's he doing what's he saying about your your marriage in his he he he told me that he felt that we were never meant to be and we shouldn't we had nothing in common I've been going to counseling. He's told me that basically that that you know even on our 1st anniversary told me well we might as well go out and has some dinner but you know we I don't know how long much longer there's the work. We do We don't have anything common he won't go to church with me he has so many things it's just been a real nightmare. And. Tell us how we can help you well I just want to know Is it Ok I mean is it Ok mean is it Ok Biblically. I'm the one going and I think God wants me to be happy and not I mean he makes me he actually makes me stressed to the point where. And on medication and it's a question and answer a couple levels Jenny So hold on we'll get back with a break we'll be back right after this from New Life Live. You're listening to a Classic program from the archives of new life live if you're hurting in new life can help call 1800 new life that number again is 1800 new life the boys will be right back. 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