Stephen hey welcome to late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Well, ladies and gentlemen, happy friday, we made it. Safe. Hope you all have fun plans for the weekend. Any plans . To go home and nap. Stephen oh, yeah. That sounds good. My plans im going to spend the whole weekend in my closet banging on the back wall to try to find the way to narnia. If that fails, i know theres a bottle of bourbon in there. Jon probably so, youre right. Stephen narnia or bust. All week, all week, pundits and politicians have been asking themselves, how did we get here . laughter led us to this cliff . Highway did trump win . Was this the revenge of the white, working class voters . Was Hillary Clinton complacent on the campaign trail. Did we anger the volcano god . I said we should have thrown taylor swift in there. Would have missed her. Would have missed her. It turns out tmay be none of the a lot of people are blaming all the facebook fake news that was protrump and antihillary. In fact, more fake news was shared on facebook than real news. So where did it come from . Turns out a lot of it came from facebook fake news writer and mindfreak wannabe, paul horner, who says, i think donald trump is in the white house because of me. Okay did you hear that, future time travellers . Now you know who to hunt last year. Aaah although, i gotta say, pretty rude of him not to give at least partial credit to james comey. Credit where credit is due. Horner credits himself for such influential fake news items as, the amish in america commit their vote to donald trump, mathematically guaranteeing him a president ial victory. Obama signs executive order banning the National Anthem at all sporting events nationwide, and gay wedding mobile vans cashing in on the legalization of gay marriage. Because, you know, you think gay people you think one thing vans. Jon thats right. Stephen and horner knows who he can thank for his success, saying honestly, people are definitely dumber. They just keep passing stuff around. Nobody factchecks anything anymore. I mean, thats how trump got elected. Oh, i dont know about definitely dont seem smart. For instance, did you hear about the fake news writer who bragged about electing a reality show about electing trump to the country he has it to live in. Of course, this isnt horners first brush with fame. Look at these headlines. Paul horner trampled by alpaca at beastiality club. Nation rejoices. Dewey defeats truman and then feasts on the flesh of paul horner. But actually, we made those up, full discloser. And i kind of wish more news was fake right now. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen yeah. I dont like some of the real headlines im seeing, like this one, more than 400 incidents of hateful harassment and intimidation since the election. For instance, indiana, where an Episcopal Church was vandalized with a swastika and the words heil trump. I cannot believe this. I mean, its 2016. Longer before putting up the 2020 Campaign Signs cheers and applause its even infecting fashion, because this week a neonazi blogger declared new balance the official shoes of white people. Utill now, they were the unofficial shoes of white people. The fascist write this will be fantastic. We will be able to recognize one another by our sportswear. Finally, a way for nazis to recognize each other, because the swastika neck tattoo was a little subtle. This all started yay neck tattoo. This all started after new balance supported the election of donald trump, statementing, with president elect trump, we feel things are going to move in the right direction. People got so mad at new balance for supporting trump like this, they filmed themselves setting their shoes on fire. Its the most moving act of shoerelated civil disobedience since dr. Martin luther scholls letter from a birmingham foot locker. He made up it the mountaintop very fast. He ran up the thing. Now, i know our nation is divided right now, but do we have to drag footwear into it . Im a white male of a certain age who enjoys khakis. Dont take my new balance from me. laughter what else am i going to wear when im waiting for my wife outside the talbots . Speaking of being married. People married . People married. applause guys who wear wedding rings, if to put you on the spot, guys, if youre buying a ring, be sure to read all the safety instructions, because this week doctors removed a wedding ring from a mans penis. First of all, if you can actually fit a wedding ring around your penis, congratulations on getting someone to marry you. laughter applause the man in this story apparently put the bling on the thing for erotic reasons. Wekkm like beyonce said, if you like it, you better put a ring on it. Jon yay stephen thank you very much. Its true. . . . As for the mans treatment options, doctors said, no proper guidelines exist for the treatment of this condition, yes, hopefully hell have a successful outcome. What he wanted was a happy ending. Now, if there werent enough troubling news already this week, it was just revealed that after 11 seasons and declining viewership duck dynasty is saying goodbye. cheers and applause yes. Im sad, too. laughter turns out the guys wanted to spend more time exploring their true passion challenging squirrels to staring contests. Plan to do next, but my moneys on Phil Robertson being chosen the next Supreme Court justice. applause now, United AirlinesJust Announced theyre offering a cheaper ticket option called basic economy, not to be confused with the name of the book donald trump is frantically reading right now. laughter applause yay yay yay, the future is a coin toss in uniteds basic economy, passengers wont be able to choose their seats, will be last to board the plane, and wont be able to carry on more than one personal item that will fit under the seat in front of them. Also, you cant have legs, and all the babies on the plane will cry into tubes that go directly into your ears. laughter speaking of a living nightmare north korea has long been ruled by Supreme Leader and biewr ito supreme, kim jongun. And recently, north korean officials lodged a formal request with china to prohibit names disparaging kim jongun, specifically, the nickname kim fatty iii thats just mean. Why are you fat shaming this humanrights shaming this guy . Plus, if youre going to make fun of him kims a girls name. Now, this is a serious problem for north korea, as the countrys government officials are terrified about the insult and looking for somebody to blame. If hes looking to place blame on someone about his weight, may i suggest his mouth. I want to take a bold stance against cyberbullying, which is why im going to record an Important Public Service announcement over in camera one. laughter hi, im Stephen Colbert. Sticks and stones may break their bones, but words can really hurt them. Hi, im still steve colbert. Id like to take a moment to speak out against the epidemic of worldleader bullying. It may not seem like it, but as we speak, heads of state are being viciously mocked in every country in the world, except canada. That guys just hot. Leaders yourself with nicknames like anthrax q. Rabbitmouth, secret agent horse fondler, and lady paul mccartney. laughter no matter how accurate it is, it is cruel. So the next time you think of calling kim jongun kim fatty iii, or the Cabbage Patch dictator, or man who ate both kidd and play, just remember he has feelings, too. And a nuclear weapon. So shut the bleep up. Weve got a great show for you tonight. William h. Macy is here. But when we return, im going to sit america down and give it a little fatherly advice. Stick around moms got this cold. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. This weekend at kohls its time to get ready for the holidays so deck the halls dress to impress for the School Concert then hurry home to cozy up for a family movie night. At kohls, friends and family save a little more with an extra 20 off so you can give a little more this holiday. Kohls. . Down came the rain and clogged the gutter system creating a leak in the roof. Luckily the spider recently had geico help him with homeowners insurance. Water completely destroyed his swedish foam mattress. He got full replacement and now owns the sleep number bed. His sleep number setting is 25. Call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance. . Hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. . . . . I miss those days, come back once more . Why did those days end . cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and folks as may know as you folks may know in here, out there, around the world, i am a father, and i evidently though off major dad vibes, because twitter is flooded can comments like Stephen Colbert would be a great dad, and i wish stephen others calling me their dad. None of those people, by the way, my children. Even katy perry posted this snapchat with me and captioned it my dad. Im not surprised to find out im a role model to katy because i once kissed a girl. And i liked it, too. laughter thats how i ended up with kids. Well, i know how important quality time with a parent can be, so i think its time to sit down and have a little talk. Thats right, dads calling a family meeting. Get in here cheers and applause stephen all right. Hey, kiddo. Hey, kiddo. Cop a squat. Listen, i just thought you and meet could talk about a few things, whatever on your mind. You know im here for you, okay. And just in case there are questions i cant answer, i your father but feels he could be. Bill, could you come out here, please . cheers and applause hey, sport. How you doing . Stephen of, champ, listen, first off, bill and i know your body is changing, okay. I imagine youve got some questions because our bodies are changing. Weve got a lot of whats going on here . Whats that right there . Is that my eyes growing gills . What the hell is happening right there . Is that going to stay . And what is this, huh . What is that all about . Stephen its where he carries his nuts in the wintertime now. Hey, i dont condone it. I want to be clear, i dont cone coknow cone it, but if youre going to drink, we prefer you do it under our roof. And if its under our roof i prefer a singlemalt scotch, not stephen listen here, champ, this is important. If someone offers you drugs, remember, just say no. Because if you seem too eager, theyll charge you full price. laughter businessmen, okay. And, listen, its dangerous to play with fireworks on the fourth of july. And its just plain weird to do it on thanksgiving. Dont you roll your eyes at me, mister were talking to you. No fireworks this year. You werent the one who had to scrape the stuffing off your grandmhe your grandmother used to say. Stephen this is great. When life gives you sweet potatoes, wheres jimmy . She had started to lose her mind by that time, but we know what she meant stay positive. And find jimmy. Stephen obviously. We think she was a soldier she dated during the war. We dont know. Yeah. Listen up here. When your mother and i tell you to be home at 9 p. M. On sundays, we mean 9 00 p. M. Thats right. Stephen okay . Yeah. Are they all robots . You better not tell me theyre all going to wind up being robots. Stephen theyre robots. Dont tell me that. Stephen oh, im sorry. laughter oh, and by the way, you are in hot water, chief. The lab results came back report from vet, and it turns out the neighbors cat did not shave itself. laughter and, also, i found this nudie magazine under your bed. Im not angry. Im just you know you have a computer, right . laughter stephen whats the deal . I dont understand. I dont understand whats happening. Did you forget the wifi password. Its 123porn, okay . laughter so i dont know. I guess its time we finally had the talk, okay, and you learned where babies come from. Bill, youre the expert. Well, in your case, your mother and i got pretty far into our second bottle of savignon mile out on the pontoon boat, and lets just we kicked up some pretty big waves. laughter im saying we tested the buoyancy. Your mom and i had sex. laughter . Stephen listen, sport, if you take one thing away from this family meeting, always have selfrespect. If your friend is saying mean things about you, he may thought really be your friend. He might really be your next president. cheers and applause and remember, no matter what, im proud of you. Stephen yeah, no matter what, hes proud of you. Stephen good talk, kiddieo. It was a great talk. Stephen well be right back with william h. Macy . . . applause . . Youre ready. . . Get ready to experience a cup above. Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . Look how big my hands are. Yeah. Ooh. Rawr. How much am i making for this again . Ooh oooooooh her last opponent is still in a coma. What . I should go walk my cats. No. No no no. Amy, get in there and fight for your life. Isnt there an easier way to make a hundred k . Sure. Old navys giving away a hundred k everyday through black friday. Plus right now its 40 off your entire purchase. 40 off . you keep in touch with me, girl. Im going to old navy. Ahh its 40 off your entire purchase right now. Only at old navy and at progressive, we let you compare our progressive direct rate. Great deals for reals saving the moolah. [ chuckles ] as you can see, sometimes progressive isnt the lowest. Not always the lowest jamie. What are you doing . Im being your hype man. Not right now. You said i was gonna be the hype man. No, we said we wouldnt do it. Im sorry, we were talking about savings. I liked his way. Chaching talking about getting that moneeeey talking about getting that moneeeey savings worth the hype. . . . whispers rocket . . . Stephen hey, everybody welcome back. cheers and applause my first guest this is an oscarnominated and emmywinning actor who starred in fargo, boogie nights, and now in season seven of shameless on showtime. Please welcome William H Macy . . . applause thats great. Stephen pretty great, right . Im a big steely dan fan. Stephen do you play an instrument. Youk leia. Stephen you seem like a what do you play . Youk lay lay whats funny about that, because its small and only has four strings youre going to laugh about it. Stephen no, this is a celebration. People who play ukuleles are slightly more evolved than everyone else. That was fun. Stephen you just helped me out with the family meeting. Do you call a family meeting in your family . We co. We try to have dinner every night, and thats where we make the kids a little bit. Stephen do you have rules at table like no whist ling, no books, no electronics or anything like that. No electronics. Were a theatrical family. We do things like practice doubletake s. Stephen really, can i see your doubletake . Thats pretty good. I gotta say, that was pretty good. That was a good take. Oh, thats excellent. Stephen thank you very much. A rare triple. That was a rare tripletake. Teach your kids to drive and that kind of stuff . They are learning to drive right now. Stephen really . How old is your eldest . Sofia is 16, she has her learners permit. And george is driving anyway. Stephen how old is he . I dont want to talk about it. Stephen legally . Without a lawyer present . Yeah, yeah. Stephen are you teaching sofia to drive . Im better at doing it than felicity. Stephen felicity is your wife, together you h. Must haveman together. The best celebrity power couple name of all time. Its great, and were going to the Atlantic Theater company tonight to see a play. And there is a urinal where our name on it. And its the filluous h. Muffman urinal. Stephen youve made it ive made it big. Stephen if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. applause so are you, like, the slam your no, heres the trick dont look up on the the windshield. Look to the side. Two things. One, you wont be constantly doing that. And youll see things that youve never seen before. laughter stephen and you wont know when the end comes. No, no. Its got airbags. Whats the worst that could well, we dont want to talk about that. Stephen ive taught two kids. I was not very good with my daughter. I wasnt quite i didnt i was very i was very bad. I was very nervous, very hand on the dashboard. When my son, my second child, started drivg, the car. I knew hed taken the classes. And i would drive around and kind of peacefully go, there are worse places to go. There are worse ways to die than here in the car with your son right now. It relaxed me. We were in colorado, when we put georgia behind the wheel. She was very young, and felicity was driving and she kept driving off the road and sitting in felicitys lap. Finally, i said, can you see . Stephen how old of a child was this . About 10. Stephen so now you drive a motorcycle, speaking of Dangerous Things on the road. Yup. Stephen what kind of bike do you have . I have a triumph, and i have a harley, a harley for big trips and a little triumph for around town. Stephen have you done any good rides lately . A couple of years ago, i did the ang less crest. Thats a beautiful drive. I went all the way out there and you know what happened, too. They have th last gas for 30 miles, or Something Like that, 40 miles. And i thought i have enough gas. Stephen in the desert. Of course, ald i could think about is im going to run out of gas. Should i turn around . Should i keep going . I decided i was going to run out of gas in the country and i saw a weird car in front of me and it was a picture car and i realized they were shooting a commercial. And i followed the picture car, and we came upon a base camp, walking towards me with a gas can before i could get off the bike, i felt like you said, im william h. Macy. I didnt have to. Stephen really . I didnt get recognized a lot. Felicity, not so much. Even in my helmet. You can see hoach of me and people go, macy stephen its the eyebrows. There was a homeless woman one time, i saw her, and she was saying something terrible about her life, and she looked up, and even in my helmet she said, ov its on dvr. Im a little behind. Stephen thats an excellent segue. Whats your characters name in shameless . Frank gallagher. Stephen you say you like it that hes composite a lot of scars. Yeah. Stephen do you have scars . Why do you like his scars . I mean, theyre kind of sexy. One woman shot him in this shoulder. And one woman shot him in this shoulder thats a long story. And he had a new liver, and thats an even longer story. And he did an insurance scam and broke his leg in six places with th