Jimmy kimmel [cheers and applause] jimmy thats very nice. Im the host of the show. Thank you for watching thank you for joining us here on television. On the good old American Broadcasting Company where there are no passwords required, theres no logins, theres no ad tiers or monthly fees, all you have to do is sit through 25 minutes of commercials every night. Very convenient. The reason i bring this up is because netflix you know that channel with all the documentaries about getting murdered . Netflix is finally cracking down on password sharing. They used to allow it, they were okay with it but starting soon, very soon, if you want to share your netflix password, youre going to have to pay an extra fee every month which to me seems like a bad business strategy. They could lose a lot of nonpaying customers this way but theyve done this before and its expected that they will charge subscribers in the United States an extra seven or 8 per shared account, which say what you want about cable, it was a lot cheaper all you had to do was buy a splitter and climb on the roof of the house next door. Speaking of cable, fox news yesterday agreed to shell out 787. 5 million to settle a defamation lawsuit brought by dominion voting systems, those of the people who make the machines that we used to vote. Its one of the largest defamation settlements ever thanks to a mountain of evidence that indicated fox repeatedly aired lies about the election in fraudulent. This morning i was wondering how fox news was going to cover the stories about themselves, so i went on [laughter] oh, you know already . Well, i didnt know, i went on their website and this is what they had on the home page at 7 30 a. M. Here in l. A. We got parking garage collapse in new york, we got something about the pentagon week, a youth wrestler sucker punched his opponents, that was big. If afghanistan, a fight between the Guardian Angels and aoc labeled claws out. A survivor contestant died, a cheerleader is in the hospital after road rage incident. Jane seymour looking good at 72. Same afghanistan story again nothing about the huge payment for lying to their viewers. Maybe its in a timely, tiny little stories. Dana perino has a podcast cool. Tucker carlson investigates influencers who want you to eat bugs. And something about retirement. No mention of the settlement. What an oversight that is. Man, oh, man, is Rupert Murdoch going to be mad when he finds out about this. Now that dominion won this case the big question for me, anyway is what happens to the mypillow guy . You know, dominion they are suing him for basically the same thing, for almost as much as suing him for 1. 3 billion which he definitely doesnt have. [laughter] he may have to pay that in fiber fill because my hes not backing down. Hes not like fox. No, he is much too delusional for that. Fox news settles with dominion for 700 and some Million Dollars so my phone is blowing up all of these are you going to make this deal too . Ill tell you the deal im going to make. Even if dominion or any of them offered me a billion dollars, i would say no. Jimmy now hold on now. Why would they offer you a billion dollars . Is it possible mike thinks hes the one suing dominion and not i dont know. Im not sure he understands how being sued works, but go on. Why cant one Machine Company come clean . One. Of heart, dominion, smartmatic any of you. Why cant one of them just say you know what, just look at this, look inside, Nothing Happened they didnt do anything. Nobody got in there. China didnt hack in there. You know why . Because they cant do that because thats guilty. Guilty [laughter] jimmy the lawsuit just went up to 2. 3 billion. [applause] hes not just being sued by dominion. He, like fox, is also being sued by smartmatic, the other voting Machine Company and believes strongly that fox news screwed up by giving in. They made a terrible mistake what they did. It doesnt make sense when you go into mediation for our First Amendment right of free speech and you make a deal a dirty deal behind closed doors, and ill tell you what we are out here, i will tell you where mine ends. Mine ends when those machines are melted down and turned into prison bars and weve got everybody going that was behind this going let us out, we are sorry we try to take your country. So god bless you and keep the faith. [laughter and applause] jimmy [laughs] want to know what the saddest part is . Hes talking to nobody. We are literally the only ones who are hearing this. Us and that poor guy in the box next to him all day. Fox news admitted that a statement they made about dominion were false but they did not make an onair apology. They went right back to work focusing on the hard news stories that affect real americans every day. There is so much thats contributing to the erasure of women, whether it be changing language i mean, its now offensive to use the term mother, and now it is no longer breastfeeding, its chest feeder. Jimmy thats right. Its a scourge. And the umbilical cord is now called a baby bungee. Mind your ps and qs. In florida, which is kind of the fox news of states, remember that controversial bill they had for Elementary School kids in florida . Today the florida board of education voted to extend that to include high school students. Start with the good news. The good news is there are apparently schools in florida. Okay . [laughter] the bad news is the florida board of education, which is almost an oxymoron the moron part for sure, and probably some oxy in there too. But the florida board of education under this expanded law, teachers will no longer be allowed to discuss gender or Sexual Orientation with their students, not even 12th grade students. This is what ron desantis has been pushing as he tries to prove hes more ridiculous than donald trump. Meanwhile, one of his biggest donors and closest friends, a guy he appointed to the board of governors overseeing floridas Public University system, came out yesterday, this guy committed suicide in december after they wrote about a failed attempt to pay hush money to the father of a teenage girl he allegedly tried to bribe with taylor swift tickets in exchange for photos. He asked for nude photos and then she came to his office to pick up the tickets. The story says he asked her to show him the real thing and then she told her dad, the guy offered the dad money to be quiet, the father said no and the guy shot himself and that is who governor meatball appointed to make decisions about Public Education in his state. But if you have two gay parents please do not mention it aloud. You can think it, but quietly. And the craziest thing is, this comes from a state that is shaped exactly like a penis [applause] this is what we should be worried about. North korea is what we should be worried about. Kim jong un, who we havent heard much from lately, popped up today to announce that north korea has their first Spy Satellite ready to launch, which doesnt make a lot of arent you supposed to not tell people you have a i dont know if he gets the word spy. But lets be honest, this Spy Satellite is probably just gluing a ring camera to a stump rocket. Joe biden released his tax returns yesterday, which after four years of darth taxi bader still seems weird to me that he would release these without being sued but the bidens shared their annual federal income tax return. They made 579,514 last year down slightly from what they made in 2021. Some of this from his salary as president , some is from his parttime job as a greeter at the walmart in virginia. The white house claims biden has released the most tax returns of any president while in office which is the trumpiest possible way to say it. It did shed some light on how they make money. He makes a lot of it through his licensing deals, biden vodka biden colon, biden steaks, biden university, biden water, the board game. Joes taj mahal resort and casino, the biden golf Course Series of biden Trading Cards and jolting joes vibrobelt which is on sale right now. The former governor of new jersey Chris Christie is said to be mulling a run for president against trump which would be a bold move because right now the New Hampshire primary poll has Chris Christie at 2 , which is right under rabies and they spelled his name wrong too. You probably dont remember Chris Christie ran for president in 2016 but he doesnt have much in the way of name recognition nationally. And he would also probably have to face mike pence, who is expected to announce in the coming weeks. He is also polling at around 2 which is not good. I wonder if even mike pence has the recognition to become president. So to find out we went to hollywood boulevard to ask people strolling by who is this man and this is what we learned. Do you know do this man is . He looks familiar but i cannot tell you his name off the top of my head. Do you know who this man is . No. Do you know who this man is . I dont. Who is this man . I dont know. Simon cowell . Do you know who this guy is . Yeah. Who is he . He is the former Vice President. Whats his name . Ron paul . What you think he calls his wife . Darling. Something deep and oldish in the nicest way possible. What if i told you he calls her mother . [laughter] his wife . Mother . Yep. Do you know who this man is . He looks familiar, but is that like somebodys husband . It is somebodys husband. The Vice President s husband. Its the Vice President s husband. Hes famous. What is his wifes name . [laughter] kamala anderson. Do you know who this man is . Yes. Who is it . Joe biden. Do you want him to be president again . No. Do you think joe biden was a better Vice President than mike pence . Yes. Do you think mike pence and joe biden look alike or not really . A little bit. But you wouldnt confuse them. No. What do you think about that picture . It looks like mike pence. Do you think they look alike or not really . A little bit. Which one is whiter . Biden. Who is this man . Putin. What do you know about him . Man, hes at war with sweden right now. Does he look like someone who could be in the space force . No. Is this [bleep] Neil Armstrong . It is. Oh, my god, okay. He scares me used to be the Vice President whats his name . [laughs] i knew it, its right on the tip of my tongue, i just cant think of it right now. I know youre putting me in the spot right now, but but whats his name . Give me the first letter. M. M . Give me his last name. P. Are you sure . Doesnt he look pensive and that picture . He does. Hes pretty cool. He looks kind of mad on that picture right there. He looks pensive, right . Yes he does. Okay, mp are his initials. Michael. Yes. Penicillin. Michael penisson. [applause] balloons, you did it michael penisson jimmy close enough, you know . Fun show for your tonight, from somebody somewhere, Bridget Everett is here. Music from gorillaz with beck and we will be right back with Patrick Stewart next. Next. Stop. We got it . No. Keep going. Aga . Next. Next. If you dont. 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Staaaaacccceeeyyy im the sizzle in this promposal. And tonight, sparks are gonna fly. Kyle . And while romeo over here is trying to look cool, things are about to heat up. Uhoh. Darn it, kyle and if you dont have the right Home Insurance coverage, you could end up paying for this yourself. Sorry mr. Sanchez get allstate, and be better protected from mayhem, like me. Thats a hard no. No two bodies are the same. Some pads, never got that message. But, always flexfoam did it protects against different flows for up to zero leaks. And it flexes to fit all bodies, for up to zero feel. Feel it yourself with always flexfoam. [cheers and applause] jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight from somebody somewhere on hbo, a very funny woman, Bridget Everett is with us and then later, you can see them at the coachella music and Arts Festival in california on friday, this is their album cracker island, gorillaz featuring beck tonight. Tomorrow night tomorrow, Jake Gyllenhaal and Whitney Cummings will be here with music from boy genius, so please join us for that. First guess tonight is a celebrated actor and captain of the starship enterprise, you can watch and bid farewell to crew and klingon alike on the final episode of star trek picard tomorrow night on cbs all access. Please say hello to Patrick Stewart. [cheers and applause] its great to have you here, o captain my captain. Youre not the only captain we have here tonight. Really . Jimmy pretty excited captain pablo is here in the audience tonight. Hes got an imaginary starship that hes flying around in. I wonder how he did it. What was the show he was in . All he did was pay 239 bucks on amazon and suddenly hes the captain. Little did you know it was that easy. It was, wasnt it . Jimmy it kind of was. Yeah, i missed out. Jimmy do you remember the last time you were here . The last time you were here i was not here. Ive been here before . Jimmy you have. [laughter] jimmy youve been here with me but the last in you were here was march 12th 2020, which may ring a bell to some people because it was like the last show we did in the studio for seven months. It was the last when covid hit, Pete Buttigieg was hosting the show and he was yes, the host, and i think you guys became friends after that. We have, yeah. We see as much of each other as we can. He is a remarkable man. Jimmy he did one show and you become his friend. Ive done thousands of shows, i have had no contact with you whatsoever. Its interesting. [laughs] it will be like a cameo type thing where you would show up for dinner if i pay . Exactly. Jimmy we have more in common i feel like then you have with Pete Buttigieg. What do you talk about . Transportation . I mean, come on you know, i dont think weve ever talked about that. One of the things he wants to talk about is star trek. Jimmy star trek. So its like an autograph show youve got to go sit there and be questioned about star trek. No, its you know, these surprises continue to happen when you meet someone and as you talk to them there is Something Weird about the conversation and then you realize its a fan. And hes a famous guy, he might be a scientist or a writer, or another actor, but hes a fan. I mean, when i learned several years ago that one of our biggest fans who never missed a show was frank sinatra. Jimmy wow are you kidding me no i wouldnt do that to you [laughter] jimmy how did you learn that . Because my hairdresser not a word. [laughter and applause] jimmy thats a good gig. [laughs] theres a lot of pressure on jimmy. He has to respond to what im saying. Thank you. My hairdresser was also franks wifes hairdresser and he would she would, sorry, she would go out to, you know jimmy palm springs. Yes. Jimmy okay. I know a lot about sinatra. Barbara was his wife, he had a place i grew up in las vegas so i know this stuff. Did you know frank . Jimmy no, i didnt know frank, unfortunately i never got to know frank with the idea that i wonder if he sang fly me to the moon because of you. I wonder if that had anything to do with it. [laughter and applause] all right. All right. He did. Okay, thats the deal. [applause] jimmy did you see him . One day i said i was about to go down to see my client and i said told us what was and she said, and you know what, he watches every single show that we make and loves every moment of it. Jimmy did you ever get to meet him or go see him perform or any of those things . No. But when i grew up in the 40s, 50s, it was a perfect time for hearing that kind of music, that kind of singing that kind of talent. I mean, ive heard some odd things about mr. Sinatra from time to time, but as a you know, ive always thought because ive worked for some nasty people over the years. Jimmy like who for instance . [laughter] who is that youre having on tomorrow night . Jimmy Jake Gyllenhaal. Oh my god jimmy you have an experience with jake . Well, where should i start . Jimmy [laughs] hes a lovely guy. Jimmy yes. You have had bad experiences with some of these people. I have. Jimmy you said it, im just recapping. That was me, wasnt it . Jimmy yeah, that was you. [laughter] and yet the work they do is so fine, so sensational that you forgive it again and again and again, maybe they need to be unpleasant, unattractive unappealing, insulting in order to get the work out because they are all different. Jimmy do you have your own rat pack, a gang of famous people that you hang around with and rub elbows with and get hammered sure. Do you want to know a few names . Jimmy yeah, who are a few . Rex weinhard. Jimmy the starship gang. You recognized. Jimmy i recognize their names. In fact, jus