Welcome to hollywood, welcome to california. This is where it all happens. Did you know we have a new state law in california that could affect your hair style. Starting january 1st, beauty salons and barbershops will be allowed to serve drinks. For real. Because when you combine alcohol with scissors, what could possibly go wrong . Obviously the drinks are for the customers. I guess the stylists would be allowed to drink. And if barbers are allowed to drink, can bartenders cut hair . Maybe highlights. Do you like that plan, guillermo . Guillermo i love that. Jimmy i had a feeling. Before the political news, lets go to donald trump in council bluffs, iowa for tonights edition of drunk donald trump. How many people destroyed a iphone or phone with a hammer . Anybody in the room . Huh . [ applause ] jimmy you know what . Maybe we should be smashing our phones. According to fbi, foreign hackers have made several attempts to breach Voter Registration websites in the United States with intent to influence the outcome of the election or steal personal information. Bad actors have been trying to hack us. It could be a number of suspects, russia, matt damon. There are a lot of pbad actors out there. The directors of the fbi are warning individual states to make sure their dead bolts are thrown and locks are on. Theyre using dead bolts and locks . Those are for bicycles. If donald trump and Hillary Clinton wind up losing to some guy named boris, thats probably the reason why. Meanwhile, donald trump has a new new scandal to deal with today. According to news week in 1998 he spent 68,000 on a Business Venture in cuba. It was illegal because of the embargo. Trump denied the allegations. He said theres no such place as cuba, but his Campaign Manager this morning, his own Campaign Manager clarified. She said trump did not invest money in cuba. He just spent money to investigate whether to invest which turns out is also illegal. You cant that. But thanks for clearing that up. Good thing shes not his lawyer. Your honor, my client didnt break in to rob it. He broke in to see if he wanted to rob it. And he didnt. If the allegations prove to be true, this will absolutely not change a single mind of anyone thats watching. Honestly, hes unsinkable. If only they immediate the titanic of what hes made of, it would still be floating. Leonardo dicaprio might not have a film career. Remember when mitt romney almost had to drop out of the race because he put his dog on the top of the car. They were simpler times. And president obama is up to this . This is one of the few helmets i have during the season. I brought it to you for a gift. Thats a real one there. I really like that helmet. Yeah . Tell im going to use it. Tell me the truth, what are you pumping in through here . Some really good stuff. Reporter he is so over this presidency. Thats why they put m and ms on it. I think we, especially lately, look on in amazement about whats going on with our politicians, but we have a long way to go to catch up with the likes of georgia, the country, not the state. This is what a debate looks like. [ speaking Foreign Language ] thats our future right there. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats what we have to look forward. This is kind of annoying. Christmas is three months away. Someone did a survey and learned that 1 million americans have already done all their Christmas Shopping. Theyre finished or theyre jewish. I dont know what one. They are v no more shopping. Either way, if you finish your Christmas Shopping before the end of september, youre not organized, youre a lunatic. You should be wrapped in paper and locked in a mental institution. When im Vice President , no one can buy a Christmas Present before halloween. Thats right. With one exception. Except for this. This you the k buy any time. This is the ideal both for little boy or girl in your life. New, its torch, my blazing dragon. Its magical. Its torch. Hes full of surprises just like you. Jimmy what the hell is going on . The kids are going to eat so many lunchables. We got to get one of those for Damian Marley, right . This is worth mentioning. Were focussed on donald trump and Hillary Clinton. Theyre not the only horses. There are Third Party Candidates in fact most notably gary johnson. Hes the former governor of new mexico. Hes the guy who had no idea that aleppo is the epicenter of the syrian refugee crisis. It may have been topped. They had a town hall meeting last night on msnbc. At one point johnson was asked a question that was difficult to answer . Whos your favorite foreign leader that you respect, anybody . Mine was shimonperes. Has to be alive. Anywhere. Name a foreign leader that you respect. I guess im having an aleppo moment. Im giving you the whole world. I know. Anybody in the world you like, anybody, pick any leader in. The former president of mexico. Which one . Im having a brain name anybody. Fox. Jimmy fox. Thats bad. Even Dennis Rodman could name his favorite foreign leader. And i worry this could jeopardize the chance of winning the presidency. You have to wonder what was going through his mind during that while he was lets go into his mind now and see. Whats your favorite foreign leader . Dont say hitler. Dont say hitler. Dont say hitler. Jimmy all right. He didnt say hitler. Thats good. While gary johnson might not know the names of foreign leaders, very few people know the name gary johnson. This afternoon we conducted an unscientific but satisfying poll. We asked people who is gary johnson out on the streets. Do you know who gary johnson is . No. Do you know who gary johnson is . [ laughter ] do you know who dpaer johnson is . No. Do you know who gary johnson is . No idea. No. Do you know who gary johnson is . No, i do not. Do you know who gary johnson is . Im sorry, i cant speak english. You just did. Do you know who gary johnson is . Do i know who gary johnson is . I know several of them. No. Never heard of him. . Do you know who gary johnson is . Leave him alone. You will be saved. Only jesus is the way, the truth im sorry . Do you know who gary johnson is . Who . Gary johnson . I dont know. I do not know. Im sorry. God bless you. Excuse me, freddie, do you know who gary johnson is . Who . No. Do you know who gary johnson is . Its like a mix between gary coleman and magic johnson. Do you know who gary johnson is . I dont. Hes the libertarian candidate for president. Congratulations. You did it. Thank you so much. Thank you. Just Google Gary Johnson and find out. All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, facebook is up to no good again. We bid a fond farewell to the blackberry in unnecessary censorship this week. Well be right back. [ distorted voice ] progressive claims to show people their competitors rates alongside their direct rate to save you money. But whats really going on . When played backwards at 1 8th speed you can clearly hear. What could that mean . Woman tom . Tom theyre just commercials. Or are they . Youre waking the neighbors. Well, mom, maybe the neighbors need to be woke. I think its actually awoken. No, that doesnt even seem right. No, its awoken. Revealing the truth to help you save. Can you take our 1st step . Can you walk towards. . cat meows new sheba® meaty cat treats. What cats want™ ill call you later ah, i. Or. No i wont,. Ill text you, because what am i your dad . Dont stay out too late . Yea, just text me. Thank you, get home safe. This must be what Antonio Brown feels like when hes dancing in the end zone. Touchdown Antonio Brown [crowd cheering] this must be how lucas felt when he finally got katies number. Pepsi. Turns out my curlsthe needed to be stronger. Pantenes prov formula makes my curls so strong. They can dry practically frizz free. Because strong is beautiful. Theyre bringing crime, when mextheyre rapists. Ople. Are you going to have a massive Deportation Force . Youre going to have a Deportation Force. Were rounding em up in a very humane way, in a very nice way. Were going to build a wall. Thats not america. Were all californians. Im tom steyer. Its time to speak out. Please, register. And vote. Vote. Nextgen California Action Committee is responsible for the content of this advertising. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Facebook next month is going to release something called facebook at work. Its a new version of facebook designed for businesses and their employees, so finally well be able to go on facebook at work. [ laughter ]. Jimmy i think its called facebook. Remember the blackberry . They announced theyre going to stop making blackberry devices. Its hard to believe they couldnt outlast pink berry. I used to have a blackberry. I liked it. They didnt keep up with other phones. Jimmy kimmel. Jimmy hello, blackberry. What are you doing here . Did you forget me . Did you forget what we had together . Jimmy of course not. I just, i just needed more. I can change. I just need a software update. Jimmy listen, i know this is a hard thing. I brought you something j jimmy. Jimmy oh. Flowers. Oh, thats look, blackberry, thats very nice, but im with a smart phone now. You just like that smart phone because its thin. I guess im too fat and bulky. Tiers, crying, where are crying. Jimmy dont cry. Sometimes you have to move on. What we had was great. It was amazing. You introduced me to texting, mobile web games the. Remember snake . Jimmy yeah, i remember snake. See . Thats what i mean. People grow, and sometimes snake just doesnt do it for you anymore. Sometimes you get scrabble and candy crush and words with friends and that oh, come on. Dont do that. Come on, black berry. Dot, dot, dot. I understand. Its time to move on. Jimmy it is. It is time to move on. Goodbye, jimmy. Jimmy bye, blackberry. Now i feel bad, but hes going to be okay. Its just mod earn timern timesl be fine. Goodbye, world. Screaming. More screaming. Jimmy oh, no. Guillermo, will you go out and clean that blackberry up . Thank you. I appreciate it. [ applause ] jimmy Damian Marley and his band are like what just happened . Someone go explain that to them, will you . On sunday theres a new hbo show called west world. Its a big, huge budget sci fi series about a futuristic theme park. And the reason they call it west world well, look at this. Do you know where you are . In my dream, i designed every part of this place. Its not a theme park. Its an entire world. Wait a second, theres no one around here in this space that looks like me. Im like a machine. Im a robot. You cannot defend a robot. I think there may be something wrong with this world . Its been that way for many times. Everybody says who does he think he is . I just told you who i thought i was, a god. No, i wouldnt say that at all. Im sorry for the realness. Jimmy dont you dare apologize for the realness. And one more thing before we forge ahead. Its time to bleep and plur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. Its this week in unnecessary censorship. Believe me when i tell you i [ bleep ] you far more than you [ bleep ] me. By the way, my [ bleep ] is the biggest since ronald reagan. The newest viral video sensation thats called the [ bleep ] blping whalg, and its just i will see you here tomorrow morning and have good strong black p[ bleep ] for both of us. If people from washington are [ bleep ] me with a [ bleep ] that doesnt bother me. Were going to need your help. Were going to need you [ bleep ] up. How much did he come in and [ bleep ] you . Say that one more time. Im so happy to [ bleep ] you. How you doing . Did anybody [ bleep ] last night . Jimmy tonight on the show music from damian jr. Gong marley piper perabo is here and well be right back with armie hammer. Announcer portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by rinnai tankless hot water heaters and home heating solutions. Ly. They travel a lot. Every four years when we got restationed you think its going to be the biggest change in your life but theres always more changes to come. The first thing that we would do when we would get into our new place was set up the beds. And when i go to t. J. Maxx i buy good quality things that are going to last a long time. Everything i get there, i get at a lower price. Shopping at t. J. Maxx is always like a bonding experience. Discover real value worth sharing. I just think that home, its wherever your family is. Maxx life at t. J. Maxx. [ rear alert sounds ], [ music stops ]on ] on the road again just cant wait to get on the road again [ front assist sounds ] [ music stops ] [ girl laughs ] on the road again like a band of gypsies we go down the highway [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. Hurry in and lease the 2017 passat s for just 199 a month. But you dont lovereakfast. That you cant get all your favorites. But now you can get more of what you love. So you can find Something Else to not love. Like hearing the sound of your own voice. softly like hearing the sound of your own voice. Get more choices you love, now with all day breakfast. Narrator it wasnt that long ago. Years of devastating cutbacks to our schools. 30,000 teachers laid off. Class sizes increased. Art and music programs cut. We cant ever go back. Ryan ruelas so vote yes on proposition 55. Reagan duncan prop 55 prevents 4 billion in new cuts to our schools. Letty munozgonzalez simply by maintaining the current tax rate on the wealthiest californians. Ryan ruelas no new education cuts, and no new taxes. Reagan duncan vote yes on 55. Sarah morgan to help our children thrive. Jimmy tonight, from the new abc show notorious, piper perabo is here. Then, his latest single is called nail pon cross, damian jr. Gong marley from the samsung outdoor stage. Next week, well be joined by billy bob thornton, martin lawrence, kristin chenoweth, zach galifianakis, and we will have music from gary clark jr. , idina menzel, and dolly parton will be here to chat and sing for us too on saturday we have a big event for those of you in our neighborhood. Were having a yard sale in our parking lot were selling props and costumes, lots of stuff thats been on our show, the Uncle Frank Helping Hand Foundation is organizing this to benefit my friends place which helps homeless young people here in hollywood. The yard sale goes from 8 am until 4 pm. We will be there. Guillermo, youll be there, right . Glo guillermo yeah. Jimmy ill need your help. People like to haggle. Ill be in charge and people will say theyll have a price, and ill look at you and youll go like this. Lets practice it one time. This is how itll go. Cleto, ask me, would you take 5 for this . Would you take 5 for this . Jimmy well work on it and get it right by saturday. Guillermo well work on it. Jimmy dont try to haggle. When our first guest walks into a room, any time is hammertime. His new movie is the criticallyacclaimed historical drama the birth of a nation. It opens in theaters a week from tomorrow. Please welcome armie hammer. Jimmy how you doing . Im good. Jimmy i heard you got back from a big trip to australia. I did. Jimmy where were you . We were in adelaide. Jimmy i dont know anything about adelaide. Nobody does. Its like Third Largest city in australia that nobody knows anything about. Its down on the bottom of australia by itself, isolated. I think it allows it to be the serial killer capital of australia. Jimmy they have those . They do, and they grow a lot of them in adelaide. Its a bizarre place. But its really nice. Jimmy what a tourist destination. Thats not the tourist sale, but its great. Its a fantastic city. Its surrounded by the wine region of australia. They have some of the best restaurants and food and wine. Its impressive. Jimmy thats nice. You turned 30 while you were there. Happy birthday. I did. Thank you very much. Yeah. Jimmy and so did you have a big thing for it . We didnt do a big thing. My wife was there and my daughter, and she was like lets go to dinner and have a date night, the two of us. I was like this sounds great. Well get a babysitter. I love the idea. We go to a restaurant we love, an indian restaurant, and they take us to the back of the restaurant. And we come around the corner and its everybody. Its everybody from the cast and the crew. She threw a huge Surprise Birthday Party for me. Jimmy was it good . It was fantastic. Jimmy people i saw all day are here. I thought i was going to get laid. Now like what the hell is going on here. But it was good. It was good fun. Maybe too much fun. I dont know. Jimmy did you go out after . Was it a whole evening . We did. We went out we were at the restaurant for as long as they would let us until they were like get out of the restaurant. So we left and went to a bar and then another bar and another bar. We made the mistake of walking up to the bar and the bartender said what can we get you to drink. We said well take 30 shots. It was a group of us, maybe 15 people. Two shots a person. Its not too crazy. We go 30 shots. They go great. Youre kicked out of the bar. Just like that. Were like well, forget you. We go to the next bar, and they say what are l you have, we say 40 shots, and they kicked us out. Jimmy getting kicked out of a par bar in australia is a maj accomplishment. Were you unruly . No. Thats the thing. We felt really sober. Jimmy sure. We were like were fine. What do you mean youre not giving us a drink. Jimmy did you find a place to get a drink . We ended up all convincing the director of the movie we should go back to his house, and we went along with the idea. But then in the process of getting to his house, its like three, four in the morning at this point, and theres an elevator. It comes down and were going to his apartment and some people wait outside, and drunk army is like we all stay together. So i grab everybody and pull them into the elevator. Its loaded and the elevator moves and i think wouldnt it be funny if i started jumping and freaked everybody out. And im not a small dude. Jimmy i see why you got thrown out of the bar, by the way. I thought i was really sober. I start jumping in the elevator and it just grinds to a halt, and now my wife is pregnant. Jimmy from being in the elevator . Yeah. Remember, i thought i was going to get laid. So shes pregnant, and sober surrounded by a