Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20161014 : vimarsana.c

KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live October 14, 2016

Together. I had a Something Big happen to me last night. I was going through my email. I opened the computer and i see my email and i get an email from donald trump. I got a personal email from mr. Donald trump who offered me, as youll see, an exclusive trump president ial black card. I got this for real. It said you should get one of these, james. He calls me james. At my inauguration next year, there will be upwards of a million people, but only a few will have president ial black cards. Thats right. For a one time initiation fee of 35 can get a card that has no benefits or rewards whatsoever. A black card . Is this how hes reaching out to the black community, with the card . [ laughter ] jimmy theres another thing im wondering about. How did donald trump get my email address . I bet the russians had something to do it. I didnt give it to him. Theres also a trump gold card. Thats 49. You can get the black card for 35, or the less exclusive card for 14 more. Theres finally a card thats more embarrassing to cover than discover. [ applause ] jimmy i am also running for office, and i am offering a card too. Can i get my podium here . Id like to show you my card. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i am proud to announce and present the first ever kimmel Vice President meat card. Okay . If you look close cannily, youll see this handsome card is made from 100 corn fed beef jerky. What better way to show you friends and family that you love this country, and you can eat it. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy delicious. The only meat card you can eat. Its only 89. 95. All proceeds go to me. Whos hungry for freedom . Anybody . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im going to need another ten minutes to finish this. We are [ laughter ] jimmy this is where youre supposed to run in with a bucket. I got it. We are 25 days away from the election and donald trump is burning up like a meteor entering the atmosphere. Five women have come forward this week to claim he behaved inappropriately, touching, include a reporter from People Magazine and a campaign winner. He was offered to be the spokesperson for jello pudding. [ applause ] jimmy figuring out if its too soon or too much. Trump denied the allegations. He was in florida today setting his sights Hillary Clintons brother where he slowed him down to half speed for a brand new edition of drunk donald trump. Hillarys brother running a gold mine . Tony, you saw tony. Tony. Anybody want to hire tony . [ applause ] jimmy tony, tony, tony. Hes done it again. Trump also somehow found his way on the local cbs news in providence where his face was, i assume, mistakenly used to tease what i believe to be a different story. The clown craze continues to sweep across the country. Its an honest mistake. You could see how it was made. Jimmy you know, after that access Hollywood Tape came out, a number of prominent republicans called for trump to drop out. Now because of the pressure from the trump base, some of those who denounced him say, i am still planning to vote for him. They essentially ununindorsed him so as not to anger those who vote for him. This is putting a lot of republicans running for reelection in a tough spot. They can lose moderates or the rest. Its like they found themselves in a saw movie just before hol halloween. Pat too maniny is one of them. Its confusing to voters. The ads his campaign are running dont do a lot to clear his position up. Im pat tombmy. Let me be clear where i stand on donald trump. I think hes a National Embarrassment and a disgrace. A disgraceful embarrassment who i am proud to support for president of the United States. Donald trump is exactly what this country needs, a man with no idea what hes talking about. A man with no respect for democracy or common decency. A man who is totally unfit for office. And i am proud to support him for office. Or not. Yes, i am. Am not. Am so. Are not. Am too. Shut up. You shut up. Screw you. The position is clear. No, yes. I approve this message. No, i dont. [ applause ] jimmy heres something id like to see the leaders getting to work on. The tsa, and i plaud them, theyre cracking down on the socalled comfort animals. The animals people bring on the plane because they claim to be too nervous. It can be any kind of people. Birds, monkeys, pigs, turkeys. Someone brought an alpaca on the plane. All you need is a note from a joke online doctor. You say 75 and your pet is officially a comfort animal. Its easier to get a horse on a plane than it is to get a bottle of mouthwash on the plane. The airlines have had enough. They only want Trained Service animals to be allowed on the planes. I dont want to sit next to a fish tank on the plane. Have you been on an airplane recently . Its like noahs arc of chihuahuas and multipoos. If youre so emotionally unstable that you need to hold a poodle to get on a plane, maybe you shouldnt get on a plane. Thats not safe for any of us. And what if you have allergies and you have to sit next to a cat . Why can we have a st. Bernard on the plane but not peanuts . It doesnt make any sense. The whole thing is ridiculous, and when i am Vice President , im planning to put a stop to this whole thing. You understand what im saying. Guillermo jimmy . My comfort pony is still okay, right . Jimmy you have a comfort pony . Guillermo yes. Jimmy no, no comfort ponies. No comfort anything. Guillermo goodbye, macaroni the pony. Jimmy yi feel like the bad guy because i told him he couldnt have his comfort pony, but the workplace is no place for a pony. I dont know if its a comfort animal or not. Its still [ gunshot ] jimmy what happened . You shot macaroni . Guillermo you told me to shoot the pony. Jimmy i never said shoot the pony. I said you couldnt have the pony at work. Guillermo oops. I did it again. Jimmy well, hes gotten himself into another thing. Put that gun away. All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, im going to go to springfield into cartoon land to visit the simpsons. And this week in unnecessary censorship too. Stick around. Well be right back. [diggy by spencer ludwig] inside the rack houses every barrel is aged four long years, for a fuller, smoother flavor. Our history is made from the inside. How will you make yours . But. My doctor recommended prilosec otc 7 years ago, 5 years ago, last week. Just 1 pill each morning. 24 hours and zero heartburn, its been the number 1 doctor recommended brand for 10 straight years, and its still recommended today. Use as directed jimmy welcome back. Jimmy tonight on the show, laverne cox is here, president obama today released the names of his favorite sci fi movies and tv shows. Its good to see him digging into the major issues. Blade runner j star wars and the marshatian. Its a good movie if you turn it on before matt damon. One of his favorite movies is star trek. While were on the subject of iconic tv shows. This from last nights episode of jeopardy. From maryland, and her favorite type of music is something id never heard of, but it doesnt sound like fun. I think its very fun. Its called nerd core hip hop. Yes. Its people who identify as nerdy, rapping about the things they love. Video games, science fiction, having a hard time meeting romantic partners. You know. Its really catchy and fun. Losers, in other words. Well. I kid. Jimmy wow. I think we just found a new republican candidate for president. [ laughter ]. Another popular long running Television Show is reaching a milestone this week. And on sunday night the 600th episode of the simpsons, tree house of horror 37. The simpsons is one of the greatest shows [ pounding ] jimmy did you feel that . Whats happening . Stupid tv. I want to see singing and a car. Thats all. Jimmy are you Homer Simpson . Are you with irs . I dont think so. Ive always wanted to visit you here. Why . Are you here to kill me . Youre here to kill me. Jimmy im not here to kill you. The simpsons are one of the most popular families in the world. I knew it. In your face, jesus family. Jimmy id love to see springfield. Come on. Theres the Nuclear Power plant i work at. [ bang ] jimmy is that okay . Not my shift. Jimmy wow. Moes. Its even more depressing than i imagined. Yeah. Who needs direct sunlight . [ burping ]. Jimmy thats cute. Hes an alcoholic. The chalkboard. And this is baby maggie. If you drop her, shell get you back. Jimmy how old is she . I never ask a lady her age. Jimmy but shes been a baby for a while. Have you ever cleaned this pacifier . Dont judge me because i never wash the pacifier or know how old my daughter is. All that matters is i love my family very much. Except him. Am i dead yet . Oh, no. Jimmy that was great. Thank you. I have to get back to the show now, but i really appreciate it. What . Youve only seen the power plant explode once. Jimmy maybe next time, and if you ever need me, ill always be in there. Oh, tv, a beautiful distraction from the certainty of death. Jimmy hi, homer. By one of the bye one of the jimmys. [ applause ] jimmy thanks for the hospitality, homer. Episode 600 tree house of horror is on sunday. Its thursday night which means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. It is this week in unnecessary censorship. No, you are describing sexual assaults. If i grabbed Donald Trumps plp blp and tried to [ bleep ] him, i would go to jail. At points during the debate, it almost felt like watching mom and dad [ bleep ]. It got uncomfortable. If we overcome the divisiveness and instead we [ bleep ] some big [ bleep ]s, and i some big [ bleep ]s. If we the [ bleep ]s, theres nothing america cant do. I recently tried it, but i have yet to suck that [ bleep ]. What . I wont get to suck any [ bleep ]. My wife will take all of them. Hold on. Hes the guy whos going to [ bleep ] your butt and [ bleep ] your family. When she was sucking on that [ bleep ], it didnt look good. Oh, yeah. Hi there. May i [ bleep ] myself . Not right now. Jimmy tonight on the show, laverne cox is here, Colin Farrell is here and well be right back with the great vin scully. Sick stick around. Portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by paqui chips. From nacho cheese to haunted ghost pepper, theres a flavor for you. [ on the road again, by Willie Nelson ] on the road again [ rear alert sounds ] [ music stops ] just cant wait to get on the road again [ front assist sounds ] [ music stops ] [ girl laughs ] on the road again like a band of gypsies we go down the highway [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. Hurry in and lease the 2017 passat s for just 199 a month. Was mr. Bonejanglesny expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price . Of course not. Hes a dog. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. Welcome back to the show. Jimmy tonight, from the forthcoming movie fantastic beasts and where to find them, Colin Farrell is here. And from the new version of the rocky Horror Picture Show and orange is the new black, laverne cox is with us. Next week on the show, tom cruise, ewan mcgregor, benedict cumberbatch, cobie smulders, tilda swinton, isla fisher. We will be live after the debate on wednesday with gal gadot and gary johnson. And ken bone, the worlds most adorable man. And we will have music from kenny loggins, X Ambassadors and tom morello, the 1975 and flatbush zombies. And for those of you who live in the boston area, on saturday night, join me with bill simmons at the citi shubert theater, live for a very good cause. If youd like to join us citicenter. Org. Go to citicenter. Org. Student tix start at 24 and we hope to see you there. Jimmy our first guest is handsdown the best thing about living in los angeles. He is the announcer against which all announcers are measured, who just wrapped up 67 years as the voice of the dodgers. Please say hello to the great vin scully. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you for being here. Thank you very much. Im honored. Jimmy i pestered you for months, i think, maybe even years to get you to come here, and finally you gave up and came in, and i appreciate it. I dont remember any of the other offers. [ laughter ] jimmy youve been retired for 11 days now . Since the last day in san francisco. Jimmy hows it going so far . Is it everything you imagined . Yes, exactly. I went to the hardware store. I have a very important engagement on monday the 17th. I am lecturing at the sixth grade school of st. Mells. I have a granddaughter and grandson there. We have 16 grandchildren. Jimmy thats unbelievable. [ applause ] if i cant think of something to do, someone out there will. Jimmy as fortune would have it, the dodgers are playing game five right now. Have you been watching these games . Yes. Sure. The dodgers beat washington 5 out of 6 during the regular year. So i expect them to win. It will be quite a surprise if they dont. Jimmy what year did you come to los angeles with the dodgers . We came in 1958. And we played in the coliseum which, of course, was built for football and track and the olympics, and not baseball. Jimmy how many seats were in the coliseum . The biggest crowds we had during the world series of 1959 was about 93,000. Of course, thats huge for a baseball jimmy its too big for a baseball stadium. In a sense, its too big, but that worked in our favorite. Jimmy in what way . Well, because right around the time we came here was the introduction of the transistor radio. You had people 70some odd rows high up, far away from the playing field. The people knew willie mays, stan muse, but they didnt know the rank and file player, so we would explain who they were and where they came from, and so the transistor radio also became a great bridge. It was a wonderful experience where it got us into the community, because i would actually talk to the people in the stadium and they would react accordingly. I mean, sometimes they would grown if i made a horrific pun. Maybe theyd laugh occasionally. But we got to where we began to exchange. I would say something, and they would make sounds. You know . Jimmy thats unbelievable. Of course, now we have our little cell phones that we carry around with us, but it was so much more intimate then. Growing up, i listened to i think there were seasons where i listened to every game you called on the radio. And you had the middle innings ross porter and jerry dog it, and you outlasted them and kept going and going. Well, i did put most of Southern California to sleep. The transistor radio went under the pillow. I hear that all my life. I remember reason listening to you. Again, the transistor was marvelous. Jimmy this is a great photograph. I believe this is your first season with the dodgers when they were still in brooklyn. Wow. Jimmy 1950. If youll notice, there was a terrific pompadour in those days. I was in the navy. I first went to boot camp and had the hair just like that, and i got in a chair, and the sailor in charge of shaving heads said where are you from, and i said new york, and he said, im from mississippi. Wham. And all the hair was gone. So i vowed when i got out, i would grow that hair back, and so there it is for all the world to see. Jimmy there it is, yeah. There you are. A young whipper snapper. Look at that. Jimmy who could have imagined that kid how did you get interested in baseball in the first place . I was about that age, i think, and in those days the only thing on radio would only be college football. Were talking now in the 35, 36. We had a four legged radio with a cross piece under it. I would get a pillow and glass of milk and crackers and crawl under the radio, and the speaker was directly over my head. Now, it didnt make any difference to me whether it was michigan, ohio state, tennessee, alabama. I didnt have any idea, but what i learned to fall in love with was the roar of the crowd. So somebody would run for a touchdown. The crowd would roar. It would be like water coming out of a shower head. I would get goose bumps all over the place. So in the beginning i loved just the roar of the crowd, and then later i thought id like to be there, and then later it evolved, id like to broadcast. So then today if i have any kind, or had any kind of a trademark, it would be i try to call the play as quickly and as accurately as possible and shut up and when that crowd roars for a brief time, im eight and a half years old. Jimmy thats one of the great things about listening to you. [ applause ] jimmy i love that. I never really thought about it like that, but, yes, you can always hear the sounds of the game when you are calling a game. In fact, when i was a young radio disk jockey, we had an a. M. And fm station. I worked in the fm. A a. M. Was across the way. We did the dodgers game. I would go in and wait for you to say heres the pitch, and id put in a sound effect. Id go boing or something crazy. Id add crazy things to the games, and then id take the complaint calls from the listeners, and you enabled me to do that, because you were being to quiet at the time. [ applause ] jimmy i was wondering if you could do me a huge favor. If you dont want to, decline, but as you probably know around 12 years ago i hit a major home run in a celebrity game. All of baseball is still talking about it. Jimmy its in the books. So i was wondering if you might we did have play by play on it. It was fine, but i was wondering if you would be so find as to do announcing over the clip of me hitting the home run. [ applause ] since we have not rehearsed this, id like to kind of take over. Jimmy you can do the whole rest of the show if youd like. No thanks. What i will do is i will do the usual, and then when i point, itll be time for you to come up to hit. All right . Jimmy all right. Theres the monitor right there. Hi, everybody. And a pleasant good evening to you wherever you may be. Here we are at minute maid park. Another great night for ball game. Leading off will be Jimmy Christian kimmel. He was born in brooklyn mill basin at about 9 years old he was an altar boy. Boy, thats a long time ago, and eventually the family moved to las vegas. He graduated from clark high school, and then he went to the university of nevada for a year. Two more years at arizona state, and the interesting thing is they say that hes very funny in the locker room. He is now coming up to leadoff here in the inning against one of the great softball pitchers in the game. As usual, he was always guilty of talking too much before having an at bat, but hes a little nervous considering this theres a long fly ball to deep right center, and that is gone. [ applause ] wow. Jimmy thank you so much. Thank you for everyth

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