[ cheers and applause ] we are right smack dab in the middle of summer, and that means among other things Tropical Storms are on the way. Theres an especially interesting one working its way through the caribbean right now, Tropical Storm don. According to the weather channel, Tropical Storm don is not a threat to the United States. Unless it runs for president. Then it will be a disaster. [ laughter ] but the funny thing about it is the name of the storm, theres no connection to the president. They come up with these names for these storms way ahead of time. This just happened to be the next name in the rotation. What makes it even weirder is the name may have set for the next big storm in the Pacific Ocean and im not making this up, will be hillary. [ laughter ] Tropical Storm don and Tropical Storm hillary. This election is never going to end. [ laughter ] meanwhile, Tropical Storm don jr. Is headed toward russia right now. [ laughter ] no one knows why. [ cheers and applause ] did you see that theres a mystery. Who was the eighth person in the room with donald trump jr. When he by the way, i want to call him djtj from now on. [ laughter ] anyway, the person in the room, the eighth person when he met with the russians to try to get dirt on hillary, that persons identity had not been revealed until today. And this is the guy. His name is arakli kavaladze. His first name rhymes with broccoli. Thats right. [ laughter ] guess what. Hes russian too. I guess russia also has nerds. [ laughter ] i know, another coincidence that hes russian. Must be some kind of coincidence record. But arakli, hes known as ike, is the Senior Vice President at something called the crocus group which is a Real Estate Development company run by the azerbaijani Russian Oligarch who helped to set this meeting up. His claim to fame, this guy ikes he helped funnel 1. 4 billion of russian money into u. S. Banks and was the subject of a government investigation into money laundering. So happy made in america week, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] i do want to say, to be fair, it was hard for djtj and for Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort to know how Many Russians would be in the meeting because sometimes they hide the smaller russians inside the bigger russians. [ laughter ] and then inside even bigger russians than that. Meanwhile, i new poll from Monmouth University says theres more support for impeaching donald trump than there was to impeach nixon when the watergate scandal broke. [ cheers and applause ] there you go. Hes number one again. [ laughter ] 41 of americans support impeachment for donald trump. That includes President Trump himself. He cannot wait to get the hell out of there. [ laughter ] as im sure you heard, the Republican Health care bill as of today is dead, which is another big setback for the [ cheers and applause ] so this morning the president fired up his Little Orange thumbs and he tweeted we were let down by all of the democrats and a few republicans. Most republicans were loyal, terrific and worked really hard. We will return. Which i think is what gargamel yells at the end of every [ laughter ] episode of the smurfs. But trump said today the senate should just move on and let obamacare fail without replacing it. Which i have to say its refreshing to have a president whos okay with letting his fellow americans die just to prove his point. I am disappointed because for so many years ive been hearing repeal and replace. Im sitting in the oval office right next door, pen in hand, waiting to sign something, and ill be waiting and eventually were going to get something done and its going to be very good. But obamacare is a big failure. Jimmy you know something is a failure when you have to keep telling people over and over again its a failure. But anyway, this poor guys just sitting there holding a pen, waiting for someone to put something on his december tok sign, which is why they call him the master of the deal. And you have to here comes the scarf guy look at the size of his scarf here comes the scarf guy look at the size of his scarf [ cheers and applause ] wave to that scarf guy. Wave back, scarf guy here comes the scarf guy here comes the scarf guy hes got a really big scarf wave to the scarf guy jimmy oh, thank you. Now jimmys got his scarf get up there, scarf guy wave to the scarf guy wave to the scarf guy wave to the scarf guy, yeah scarf guy now hes running waving goodbye say goodbye wave goodbye say goodbye to that scarf guy [ cheers and applause ] jimmy all right. I have no explanation for that. [ laughter ] that was todd glass the scarf guy, he was here. And not only is the scarf guy is he still pau [ applause ] Caitlyn Jenner is with us too. [ cheers and applause ] Caitlyn Jenner is here. Here to promote her book the secrets of my life. Which i have to say i dont want to point fingers. Feels a little bit similar to my memoir that came out last year. The seacrest of my life. [ laughter ] kelly ripa will never know him like i know him. Anyway, we have much to talk about with caitlyn. As you know, we do our show right on hollywood boulevard, where especially this time of year we have a very eclectic mix of people strolling by. We get a lot of tourists on summer vacation. We also have a lot of unemployed crazy people just hanging around. Its an interesting mix. We thought it would be fun for our pedestrian question so, this afternoon we went on the street, we asked people, are you on vacation or are you unemployed . The way this works is well see someone introduce him or herself and then based on that introduction together we will try to guess if that persons on a trip or out of work. Okay . You got it . All right. Lets play. What is your name, sir . Im edgar. Edgar, are you on vacation or unemployed . Jimmy all right. Is edgar take a look at him. On vacation or unemployed . [ audience yells out answers ] jimmy all right all right. Youre scaring me. [ laughter ] lets find out. Im unemployed. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy was it the hair encircling his head that gave it away . [ laughter ] all right. Next up whats your name, sir . Cory. Mcconnell. Its the middle of the afternoon. Are you on vacation or unemployed . Jimmy is cory [ audience shouts out answers ]. All right. Almost everyone says vacation. All right. Lets find out. On vacation. [ cheers and applause ] where are you from . Pittsburgh, pennsylvania. What do you do out there . Deliver pizzas. And you need aid vacation from that . Yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy i used to deliver pizza. Its very stressful. You get lost. People get mad. All right. Lets meet another. Tell us your name, sir. Travis. Travis, are you on vacation or unemployed . Jimmy is travis on vacation . [ audience shouts out answers ] all right. On vacation. [ cheers and applause ] left the sun block back in the hotel, huh . Yeah. Jimmy that is looks like hes wearing a tank top underneath his tank top. [ laughter ] who do we have next . What is your name, sir . Ahmer. Ahmer, are you on vacation or unemployed . [ audience shouts out answers ] jimmy most everyone says ahmer is unemployed. Lets find out. Unemployed. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Have a good day. Yep. Unemployed. Whats your field . Security guard. No, no, the field where you sleep. [ laughter ] jimmy at least we got him to close his shirt. I think we have one more. Tell us your name. My names victor. Victor, are you on vacation or unemployed . Jimmy is victor on vacation or unemployed . [ audience shouts out answers ] the audience is split on this one. Is victor on vacation or unemployed . Im unemployed at the moment. [ applause ] what kind of work do you do . Well, im an artist, and i would love to do work in voice acting as well because i can make a lot of weird noises including animal noises. Lets hear some animals. [ horse noise ] jimmy thats actually a good pretty good. You know, lets bring victor in here. [ applause ] victor. Hi, victor. Thats victor, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] victor. I just wanted to get this straight. Youre currently in the market looking for a job making animal noises . Sure. Any other noises or animal noises, i guess. Jimmy can you do a couple of the other noises that you do . Sure. I can do a chicken. [ chicken noise ] [ applause ] i can do jimmy okay. I can do a pig. [ pig noise ] i can do a seagull. [ seagull noise ] [ applause ] my best one is the horse. But i can only do it a few times because i get hoarse. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah. We heard the horse. But go ahead and do it again if you like. Okay. [ horse noise ] jimmy that is good. [ cheers and applause ] well, if anyones looking for if anyones looking for someone to make animal noises, maybe at a wedding . Where would you do this . I have no clue. Jimmy you have no idea. Yeah. Well, if anyone needs his service and you cant afford the guy from the Police Academy movies, get in touch. Victor, are you on facebook . I am on facebook. Jimmy find victor on facebook. Thank you, victor. Good luck. [ cheers and applause ] we have to take a break. When we come back, we sent my aunt chippy to get the massage of her nightmares, and she hated it. So youll see that when we come back. So stick around. Well be right back. Here comes the scarf guy [ cheers and applause ] hes giving scarfs to you there goes that scarf guy do your thing here comes the scarf guy wave, wave, wave to the scarf guy dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by nissan. I can embrace a world fullber, of surprising moments. Experience more as a member. The marriott portfolio has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, youre here. Which one of you the cheetos snacks . Okay, ive given you guys a chance to confess. This little baby can detect trace amounts of cheetos dust. Whaaaaat . Gloria . Kids . [meow] when did we get a cat . Dangerously cheesy. Hundreds of dollars on youmy car insurance. Saved me huh. I should take a closer look at geico. dog panting geico has a 97 Customer Satisfaction rating and fast and friendly claims service. Speaking of service . Oooo, just out. It was in. Out. In out. In what about now . That was our only shuttlecock. Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. Handballer 1 you know what i scrambled eggs and pancakes. Crave van jack hey, guys. Try my jumbo breakfast platter with sausage or bacon, plus 8 mini pancakes, eggs and a hash brown for just 2. 99. You crave it. We serve it. Crave van handballer 1 you know what i scrambled eggs and pancakes. Crave van jack hey, guys. Try my jumbo breakfast platter with sausage or bacon, plus 8 mini pancakes, eggs and a hash brown for just 2. 99. You crave it. We serve it. Crave van [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Caitlyn jenner, fin wittrock, and music from brett young is on the way. First i want to introduce to you a very unusual massage therapist. Her name is dr. Doc. This isnt your typical massage. Shes actually biting her client. You taste really good today. Who would endure being bitten like this . Plenty including lots of celebrities. Dorothy stein says she has sunk her teeth into katy perry, adam levine, simon cowell, and kanye west. Jimmy okay. So i saw this, and i thought, who would hate a massage like this more than anyone . And immediately my aunt chippys name came to mind. So we booked an appointment with dr. Dot. We told my aunt she was going to get a massage which she likes to go do. We did forget to mention the biting thing but we figured shed figure that out soon enough. Here now is my aunt chippy enjoying a very unusual massage. Hi. Im dr. Dot. Im sal. How are you doing . Nice to meet you. Guillermo im guillermo. Nice meeting you. Im dr. Dot. They call me the celebrity masseuse. Shes rude. She didnt introduce herself. Thats fine. I can roll. Im very excited because its a real spa, not like one of those fake front [ bleep ] things and my nephews are actually going to be nice to me. I think it will work out very nicely. Maybe shell make me really feel good. All right. Lets do this. Lets go. All right. Guillermo youre going to feel great. Youre going to feel amazing. Thats what she said. I dont think aunt chippys going to like the massage. She doesnt like anything. When is the last time you had a massage . 2,000 years ago. Much too long. You should at least have one once a month. Were from brooklyn. Could you imagine me saying to my neighbor im going to get a massage . Shed set fire to my house. Are you kidding me . People from brooklyn are often wound up. They need to relax. You should relax now. And know that people from brooklyn, by the way, need massage more than anyone else in the world. Yes. Thats true. Take a nice deep breath in. Do you think ill lose any weight . Shh. Shh. So dr. Dot is a famous masseuse whos famous for biting her patients. And aunt chippy doesnt know that yet, but shes about to find out. Guillermo she doesnt know . No, she doesnt know. Guillermo wow. We have a better deal. Guillermo yeah. People from brooklyn love the pizza dough method. This is the pizza dough method where im kneading you like a big pizza dough. You can even take some of the dough off me. People in brooklyn love that pizza dough method. Theyre all about pizza. Youre making my toes curl. I think aunt chippys going to love my bite massage. Its shocking at first but then after its the most relaxing thing in the world. I think shes going to like it. Okay. Anytime now. Oh. Here we go. Hold still. What the hell are you doing . [ laughter ] thats [ bleep ]. You dont bite thats my bite massage. Dont bite let me try no biting im not going to draw blood. I dont care. Dont bite what about a nibble . Not even a nibble i do this for a living. Go in for another bite. Go ahead. Youve got to be kidding me. Hey [ laughter ] all right. It is my specialty. What about through the bathing suit . Did you hear what i said . [ laughter ] no biting. Okay. No biting. I knew it wasnt going to be good. [ laughter ] whenever im involved with this son of a bitch its never good. How did she know . Its a special method of massage. You know what . One more bite. Not even [ bleep ] swear to god. You can put your head down. I swear to god im not going to bite you again. Swear to god. You can knock me out. Ah what the hells the matter with you . You stupid [ laughter ] what is the matter with you people . You sick sons of bitches. One more time. Come on. Ah ooh, i actually left marks there. Look. Im an old lady i knew it was too good to be true. [ laughter ] i dont want you to kiss me. Guillermo i want to give a kiss. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy somebody needs a massage. Thank you, aunt chippy. Tonight on the show we have music from brett young, fin wittrock is here. Well be right back with Caitlyn Jenner. So stick around. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by cocacola. Share a coke. You have. Bug eyes [intern] i have some terrible news. Theyre destroying the whole town im actually at ucla for the summer. Jimmy you are . Youre doing an internship there . Theres like a premed program there. Jimmy so youre studying all summer. Its not because you failed and you have to go to summer jimmy hello. Welcome back on the show. Tonight from American Horror story and the new movie landline Finn Wittrock is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] and then later, this is his selftitled album. Brett young from the mercedesbenz stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night on the show jon favreau, tiffany haddish, and music from the revivalists. And on thursday, tj miller and music from run the jewels featuring trina. So please join us for both of those shows. Our first guest tonight is a recordsetting olympic gold medalist, reality tv star, parent of other reality tv stars, and one of the most famous people on earth. Her bestselling memoir, is called the secrets of my life. Please welcome Caitlyn Jenner. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] its great to have you here. My pleasure. Youve had every member of my family here. Its about time you had me here. Jimmy your daughter lives across the street from me. I have stories. Jimmy you do have a lot of good stories. You have a lot of good stuff to say. You just said that kendall lives across the street from you. Jimmy thats right. If i brought over some binoculars could you kind of spy down on her . I never know whats going on in that house. Jimmy can i tell you whats going on in that house . Please do. Jimmy theres a lot of people bringing clothes in and out of the house just all the time. There are so many clothes going in and out. Its like a macys. I can see that. Yes. No, kendalls a great kid. Jimmy she is very nice. And the neighbors do seem to like her. After an initial bumpy start at the outset. I understand. Jimmy people were like oh no, whats going to go on here. But it went fine. Yeah. Jimmy i met you a long time ago when i was a radio sportscaster. I think it was like 1996. You were a radio sportscaster . Jimmy i was. I was on kroq radio. We were at the olympics in atlanta. And you were on the kevin bean show. I was the sports guy on that show. And we met at that time. I never knew you were a sports guy. Jimmy i was. It was a big deal for me because i am of the age where like you were on the wheaties box. I did do all that. Jimmy when i was 8 or 9 years old im trying to get back on it now. [ laughter ] i dont know. [ applause ] jimmy will you compete in the olympics . Yeah. Maybe i should come out of retirement or something. Jimmy why not try out for the olympics . Theyre going to be here in l. A. Its not even like you have to travel. Thats true. Jimmy i will say its very unusual. And i dont its the elephant in the room that its unusual now im meeting you as a woman after meeting you as a man. Well, i have the ultimate double. Olympic decathlon champion. Jimmy yeah. Glamours woman of the year award. Jimmy yeah. Well, congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] no one else has won that. I dont want that. And yeah. It has been jimmy is it strange for you even to think about that in that way . I mean, to look in the mirror and go hey, now im where i wanted to be. No, i wake up in the morning and i have a feeling of peace. Jimmy you do . Yes. Jimmy thats good. [ applause ] its very difficult to go through your life with this. I have met i ne