Junction k j o l f. K j y d e Delta Christian radio for the Western Slope is. Welcome to focus on the family's weekend broadcast we hope the following program will challenge you and encourage you in your faith journey. Hard to believe but the new school year is here and with it of course comes homework and if you have more than one child I can bet that you relate to this scenario from our guest on today's focus on the family Cynthia Tobias Michael did his homework at the kitchen table quietly just like a good child should but Robert he goes out in the living room and every day during the 4th grade every night for homework he was on his stomach on top of the coffee table with his feet dangling in the air and doing his homework and both boys did their homework and I had to say well we're just not going to put anything on the coffee table because the bottom line is Oh my goodness if he does his homework and that works I'm in favor Well it's true that every child is different in the way that they learn and get things done and today you're going to be hearing more about that from Cynthia Tobias and about how you could help your child succeed this school year our host is focus president and author Jim Daly And I'm John Fuller John what happened as some are going to do not know. I don't know about you but I'm I'm ready I think for it to be over man we did so much camping and hiking this summer I'm worn out there's something about the routine that a new school year brings I think we all kind of look forward to this settling into the groove Well except for the homework part my boys are not big 100 Afghans but here at the beginning of a new school year I think it's wise for us to visit this topic and get our mind set as parents to hopefully have a good year to engage the teachers and help our kids with the new classes and just do what we can to make it the most successful year that they've had this school year can be overwhelming for both kids and parents because of all that's demanded of us and I just want to remind us to be encouraged and hopefully we'll hear some I opening in. It's into your child's heart and how he or she may be thinking about the upcoming school year well to do that as I said we have one of our favorite guests back it's Cynthia Tobias and we sat down with her in Seattle we had a small conference room there and a handful of friends joined us for this conversation here's how that went on today's focus on the family. Cynthia you are is so insightful and we want to cover your book today the way they learn this is one of the classic focus on the family programs over the years so many parents have benefited from your insights So welcome back to focus on the family let's see Cynthia let's start right out the gate What's one thing parents can do as we're starting school What's one thing they can do this year to help ensure their kids you know have a good experience at school by far the number one thing would be to focus on strengths now there's a lot of talk about strength some of that anyway but really focus on strengths what's good about your child what do they do well where are they you don't have to be an expert to know what is their learning style how my going to figure it out just be the observer that you are as a parent where they happiest when are the most successful when they're playing and when they're relaxing and how can we transfer strengths like that to the tasks that they're going to have to learn to do in school Cynthia So often parents fail at this I mean where are the adults in that they're the children but we've failed to understand how to observe them how to encourage them where some of the areas that we fail in our parenting with it we kind of start with our marriage you know we often marry somebody opposite because we think it's going to be a refreshing perspective and on a day to day basis it's not that refreshing and and the reason for the marriage as much as the parents is because we're living proof that our way works I mean that's natural and so if I'm a parent and you're the child I want you to do it my way why would I do it your way it doesn't even make sense to me I've heard it so much in my home of late. I want you to do it because I know that this works and I know your parents and it's my I'm charged by God I'm but the Bible to train you in the way that works and we forget that the Creator and designer there are just no 2 alike I have twins and I can tell you that there are no 2 alike and we celebrate that until we get a kid to we look at each other and say where did we get this one and is not like you is not like me how are we supposed to deal with someone who is so strange to us what do you need to do to connect with that child rather than see the differences how can you build a bridge where you know you need to pull back a little and slow down and kind of watch observe and stead of interacting I remember reading a book on twins where it said you know you need to spend 5 or 10 minutes a day with each one by themselves and you need to not correct not direct put them in a safe place and just watch what they do and give them as little instruction as possible and watch how they do it because you know we're constantly saying no don't do that don't go on the slide backwards and don't do this and don't do that and so we never really get a chance to see what do they enjoy and how can I really nurture that and make learning so when they go to school and even before they go to school how can learning be something they really like to do and then the joy of discovery is what we're missing a lot in the classroom so at the very least as parents we can keep that nurtured and keep that celebrated let's bookmark that because I want to come back to that but when you talk about different personality types and styles of course there's a great scripture proverbs about training up a child in the way they should go with that really caught your attention and you mention that in the book the way they learn how do you apply that Scripture and what's really being said in that proverb several years ago I spoke at the Air Force Base at their whim of the chaplains and we talked about Proverbs 226 which is trying to put child in the way he should go and when he is old they will not depart from it in the chaplain who is actually a kind of a Greek and Hebrew scholar he reads this up to gent for light after dinner. He came up to me and he said you know you might be interested to know that that particular verse he said the verb train is used uniquely there as it's use nowhere else he said in the original language it was the word they used for when the baby was 1st born for the clearing of the mouth so he could breathe and the word literally translated means create an environment for life and he said if you look at the Amplified Bible for example that proverb says train in the child in the way he should go and according to their individual gifts or bent so that's actually in the language as well and it really in creating an environment for life means not constant criticism not constant forcing to conform but looking at outcomes and goals and obviously keeping things in boundaries but really finding what will be a creating a life an environment that my child enjoys loves wants to come home to feels confident I mean if we can create confident learners from the very beginning in school then we've given them the best gift of all when they leave school and they go out into the world and Eve said something that really caught my attention and it's our passion as parents to set up the rules in the boundaries and then we guard them jealously. It seems like the right thing to do but you're saying that may be job one that's right and that there's a lot of research that backs this up you know I had one lady came up to me after a p.t.a. Meeting and she said all my 5th grade daughter she uses her learning style and all are strings and suffuses is an excuse she says that on Thursday nights she can only do her homework between 8 and 830 washee watches her favorite t.v. Show she said I think that's just a big fat excuse and I said well there's one way to find out as long as it's a television show you approve of this Thursday night let her do or homework between 830 while she watches the show but what should you do it 830 to collect the homework now if it's done and done correctly you have to say oh I could never do it this way but you obviously can't because it works but if you collect it and it's not done or not done. Well you get to say nice try we won't be trying that again because the bottom line will still always go back to you say you want to do it that way give you 3 days to prove that works because you as a parent are still in charge of the outcome and the accountability but you give your child a little bit of room to experiment to say what would it take and where would I work best and that's a very positive thing how do you as a parent how do you get to that point where you can flip that switch in rather than have the fight and you are not going to do your homework during that program turn that t.v. Off now how do you sit back and all of a sudden Ok let's rationalize this and go ahead and give it a try I mean it sounds so easy the way you say it. You know I'm big on the question the you have to ask an answer as a parent as a teacher anybody the question is what's the point what's the point as a parent I have to say is the point that I have them sitting quietly at their desk with the light like they're supposed to or is the point that they do their homework you know the boy's whole 4th grade Robert Well Mike I should say 1st he Michael did his homework at the kitchen table quietly just like a good child should and there's your twins is 2 and 2 minutes apart Pete and repeat but Robert he goes out in the living room and every day during the 4th grade every night for homework he was on his stomach on top of the coffee table with his feet dangling in the air doing his homework and both boys did their homework and I had to say well we're just not going to put anything on the coffee table because the bottom line is Oh my goodness if he does his homework and that works I'm in favor when you stress that in your book throughout the book talking about that question what's the point you have to ask it how many times a day maybe many 2030 times a day what's the point here and you're really coaching yourself by asking that question and then of course what you're saying to your child too is prove it you know if if the child says I need to be on the floor watching t.v. With headphones on and having something to eat or drink while I'm doing my homework on order to do it is say. Going to have to prove that when. Let's talk about the learning styles and in your book you know what are they describing force we know there's 5 different models that we talk about and one of my favorites that we start with right away that's pretty basic and people usually think they know what it's all about is the modelling these are how you remember and that is everybody has 3 puzzle pieces because they really are puzzle pieces not something you can just test but you know the auditory learn by hearing in the visual learn by seeing and the kinesthetic learn by doing that's what most people think and even though that's partially true when we really get into the research there's more to it and if you have a child with a high auditory big auditory piece of the puzzle they learn best by hearing but not hearing you they learn best by hearing themselves so your auditory child tends to talk too much tends to process things verbal e y y That's right that one or more you know what I read and what else and and they're just talking talking talking to the chatterbox and you never have to wonder what they're thinking that's the upside but the downside is you know you often want to say wow your dad would like to hear a little bit more your day for a while. That's not very. It was just a friend of hers they really were this right but for the auditory person they aren't going to learn in remember things until they ask questions about it and one of the things we know about auditory kids is if you don't let them talk they will keep interrupting you until they do because it's not like there's anything else they can get in until they get this thought out you know I'm a classic example of the the 3rd grade teacher who says boys and girls today we're going to talk about animal cruelty Oh my mc my aunt she has this dog and she says we don't have time for everybody's story just hang on to your aunt's dog story but that doesn't work because if I'm a highly auditory kid my ass dog story is bubbling up to the top and I don't have room for anything else to go in you can't hear my aunt's dog story comes out so if I can't tell the teacher then I have to turn to the kid next to me and get it out there and then I'm ready to hear more from the teacher. But by then I'm in trouble again for inappropriate socializing so as an auditory child I'm just trying to process things and sometimes it's a great compliment that I'm talking and asking questions and you're thinking I'm just interrupting to hear the sound of my own voice but I'm trying to process it by saying so in other words meet with really and I'm repeating what you said because then when I hear my own voice say it I remember it and I don't remember it from your voice well enough and as parents we take that is just irritating you know that the child is just irritating us just face it it kind of is. Ready but I mean they get out from the child's perspective the child's doing what God has created in their child's heart explore That's right and they're not doing that they're not annoying on purpose most of the time they're not they don't even know how they're just figuring out how they're wired right but if you're not an auditory person you will like peace and quiet and sometimes auditory teachers for example they say sure where than anybody else because they need to talk and so they want all the kids to stop talking and hear the auditory kids or just bubbling up needing to react or ask a question and it's very frustrating if they can't do it that's one let's go over a couple of ideas you look at the visual kid that's I'm very visual and how they can is that it but a visual Kid we don't talk that much we watch we have serve and there are things for the visual child even though we learn best by seeing we are also greatly distracted by it for example if you don't show me something about what you're talking about right away then I make up my own picture and it's almost never the same picture that you had in mind so my mind is creative I look like I'm daydreaming I'm thinking whoa wow the shoes on actually match your skirt and that automatically distracted from the teacher or I just I need to see something and I need to see it in my mind even if you get me to imagine it like a classic example if I'm a visual kid and I've got an auditory parent and my auditory parent says Hey Chris I need you to go down to the kitchen and take that blue mug by the side of the sink and take it out to the patio table. And I say Ok and I turn around and right away I am not exactly sure what my parent just said I don't want to go back and ask again because the auditory parent says it's slower louder yells tell me I'm not paying attention so I just go into what I kind of think it was and it almost never turns out and the one thing the auditory parent could do for me as a visual child is to say listen on Egypt go down to the kitchen you know that blue porcelain mug the one that's sitting by the side of the sink pause pause pause What am I doing I don't let it compress and then I say oh yeah you can my visual mind is I'm saying yeah yeah the yeah the blue in there I need to take that mug out to the patio table that big round white one and put it there now the chances of my doing exactly what you told me are almost 100 percent because you took just a little bit of time and you let me track with you visually in my mind what are you talking about you can tell me 10 times and you can say I have told you 10 times how many more times I have to tell you I need to see it I need to create it in my own mind or you need to show me a picture and then suddenly the visual I connect and I can remember because I can see it in my head this focus on the family broadcast will continue in just a moment. Why do Christians suffer Billy Grahm the Bible teaches that afflictions are God's appointment spice children this world is not a place of bliss for the Christians but Jesus reminded us that while in this world we would have tribulation the Bible also teaches that we can glorify God in those hard times in fact the Bible says that death can actually be a time of rejoicing for Christians because there is the confident assurance that they have gone into the presence of Christ though there's an empty spot in our hearts yet the Bible says precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of the saints your suffering and afflicted Christians take courage today God is always with these people through thick and through thin whatever you have trouble tragedy of distress I beg of you to trust God we can tell you more about trusting God in the middle of your suffering go to this website peace with God dot net that's fine piece with dot dot net it's from the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. Thanks for listening to focus on the family let's resume now with the balance of today's program. Well this is a special focus on the Family program we're in Seattle the Seattle area you don't get any but we're not actually in Seattle Seattle be careful we've got some friends here in a conference room and our guest is Cynthia Tobias the author of a book that we've talked about before in this broadcast the way they learn Jim Daly our host I'm John Fuller Jim one thing I so appreciate about what Cynthia is saying here is not only am I better understanding my kids as we talk but I'm understanding myself. As well it just helps bring clarity to all of those relational dynamics does you know I'm sitting here thinking all the mistakes I make and as a parent but you can overcome those things you've covered through the styles and the let's get through the others and then we'll come back to more general questions so we. Got auditory and visual one of the other the kinesthetic the 3rd piece of the puzzle and remembering is you know kinesthetic we always just figure that's learned by doing but everybody learns by hearing by moving Yes let everyone know what it is that is going is that it is born to move and they're here and about 40 percent of the population last I said last night very high is somewhat kinesthetic which means we can't just sit still for any long period of time and listen without doing something give me something to do I can't just not move and it's very difficult for a highly can is that it could just get to the point I mean so one of the words what I mean I've got a short attention span so it's not like I have a neurological disorder I'm just highly restless and I'm active because every part of me was born to move and if I'm born to move and you won't let me move I only think about one thing while you're talking to me the fact that I can't really know so you hardly ever saw the tears hardly an environment for that child where they can do well because everything is rigged against that child as you know you got to sit quietly in class you got to be quiet you can't move maybe recess is the one thing they can do is go just because they punish you for without reason if you've moved too much into it you know they're going to recess and then you're sunk by the and the highly can is that individual if you think about it classrooms by and large don't really prepare you for the real world anyway I mean some of your hig