Tonight, stephen welcomes will forte. Dermot mulroney. And wyatt cenac. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody hey thanks, everybody woooo wooo guess what . Thanks, everybody. Thats very nice. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. laughter well, im going to have wood. I dont know if im going to be a tree. Well, theres one story everybodys talking about game one of the world series between the chicago cubs and the cleveland indians. cheers and applause come on what excitement, one imagines. The afternoon, so i did not actually see the game. But as the host of a topical late night show, i have a moral obligation to recap the game for you, so here it goes. Ready . Here we go. Tonight there was incredible pitching, but obviously, hitting a big part of it. The game was a little slow at one point, but then really picked up when things happened, especially that one thing highlightss, tonight. Incredible. Looks amazing. Highlights. Look amazing in slow motion, especially. It was an exciting start to the series for the winning team from that midwestern city that starts with the letter c. Their fans are clearly partying near the lake tonight and, of course, the losing fans are pretty sad standing by the lake. But if its any comfort to the losing teams fans, that other citys Football Team really sucks. Speaking of things that are sucking, obamacare. The government Just Announced that next year premiums are going up by 25 . I havent seem obama hike something so high since he stopped wearing mom jeans. laughter it explains why the picture on the obamacare website has gone from this. To this. So there it is. Never work for this country. Insane medical bills are as american as hot dogs, apple pie, and the 3,600 bill to remove the hot dog lodged in your apple pie hole. applause its not the hole you think. laughter and the next president clearly will have to come in and clean us this mess. Unless its trump, in h case, all health care will be replaced by a dr. Oz episode about calf implants. applause speaking of donald trump, im starting to worry about our future notpresident. laughter some weird stuff. applause some weird stuff happening on stage with him. Tampa, florida, and you might want to get the children out of the room because things got pretty steamy. There he is on stage, saying hi to the crowd, going over to hug one of his loved ones, and its an american flag. Yes, thats right. Donald trump just groped the american flag. applause cheers and applause . . . You if youre a star. I feel sorry for the flag. Flag had to take it, because those colors dont run. This is true. I was actually watching tv last night. I saw this when it happened. I was having a conversation my wife, and i said, wait. And i had to watch that three times last night to jim, can we see the magic moment . We didnt mock that up. That is insane. He knows we salute the flag in america, right . We dont dry hump it. cheers and applause oh oh who does that . I dont even know how to describe what hes doing. Hes guessing it a reacharound. Im not sure. This is the moment in the movie where we fi o by the way. This might be the only time in history a flag burns itself. cheers and applause how many more . One, two, three. How many more . I got another one. Okay, one more. Its really surprising to see trump going after old glory like that. Normally, he goes for much younger glory. Amazingly, thats not the weirdest story to come out of a florida i love the signs behind me, blacks for trump. I like those signs. Blacks for trump. You watch. You watch. Stephen well, we did watch. And that sign right behind him is being held by a middleaged white lady. cheers and applause im sure theres an explanation. Im sure theres an explanation. Maybe her name is doris black and shes there proudly representing the black family. Also, we cant see the back of the sign. Maybe it says blacks for trump, might exist somewhere. laughter applause a giant credit card or something. Im not sure. But despite trumps appeal to americas palest african americans, some members of the g. O. P. Are trying to distance themselveses from donald trump. In fact, five republicans are threatening lawsuits over tv ads linking them to donald trump. Yes, the trump name is not what it used to be. In fact, the trump tower has now changed its name to build just a building. Doesnt matter who built me. It doesnt matter who built me. Come in here and i dont blame republicans for being upset. Take the case of florida congressman and the friendliest name for a pirate, david jolly. Were going to candy island. One imagines a pirate with that democrats couldnt find any photos tying jolly to trump, so they just photoshopped trump with his arm around jolly. That is not fair, democrats. With photoshop, you can make anyone seem like friends, even hillary and bill clinton. applause and if youre gong to photoshop someone, at least make it interesting. Make it a threeway with trump, jolly, and american flag. Jolly is cut. That guy is cut. Very fit. Point is, democrats are dragging everyone into this election, even me. Yes, this is good. Because today, we at the late show found out were a wikileak yup. Yeah. Im happy about it, too. As you know, wikileaks has been releasing emails from the Clinton Campaign, because transparency or however you say transparency in russian. russian accent transparenchnik. laughter transparenchnik. Well, Julien Assange just pinched out another wikidump, and it included a Clinton Campaign email from last year, when i had Vice President joe biden on my show. Team clinton was very suspicious that biden was going to make a major announcement. One clinton staffer wrote, my run on Stephen Colberts show. I dont think hed take him unless he was making news. Yeah, you got me there. You got me there. Why would i talk to the Vice President of the United States unless he was making news . Otherwise, youre just stuck in a boring conversation with joe biden. And they were scared of biden running. Another clinton staffer responded, lord, have mercy. And the lord did have mercy on lo, god hath granted us a trump. laughter applause cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Will forte is here. But when we return, i will go live to Amish Country and ask why theyre willing to be on tv. So stick around. . . . cheers and applause everybody. Give it up for the band jon, im excited. You have a very special guest sitting in with the band tonight. Who do you here . Jon oh, yes, indeed. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a round of applause for mitski. Stephen thai, thank you for being here. Thank you for joining us. Well hear some songs from mitskis new album, puberty 2 tonight. Im very excited. I am presently going through puberty, 2. Hair showing up in places. Quite alarming. Folks, with donald trump falling behind in the polls, he needs pennsylvania, where a pro trump pac is trying to court the amish vote. This is the perfect demographic for trump. Theyre the only voters left who havent googled him. laughter applause one selling point for the amish is that trump is a builder, and the amish are known for building. And, apparently, the amish like the fact that trump has a familyowned business, whereas Hillary Clinton has a businessowned family. Now, in order to seal the deal, they even put up a billboard in trump hardworking, prolife, and family dedicated. Just like you. In fact, trump is so dedicated to family, he cant stop starting them. Hard line tow say. cheers and applause now, i wanted to find out how into trump the amish really are, so i invited an amish voter from pennsylvania to talk with us about it. Satellite, zachariah miller, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for being on the show, mr. Miller. Oh, my pleasure, english. Stephen now, zachariah, are the amish really Trump Supporters . Well, absolutely. Just look at my hat. Ive even quilted one of mr. Trumps proverbs. applause stephen thats very sweet. Thats very speet. So what is it you like about him . Well, for one, hes a great builder. In fact, he helped me raise my barn. Ill bet thats what the barns in heaven look like. Stephen okay. But what about Hillary Clinton . Do any amish like her . Oh, no we hate her. Stephen youre mad she deleted them . No, were mad that she uses emails at all. Theyre the devils thank you notes. Plus, she wears no bonnet, the temptress unlike mr. Trump, who humbly covers his head with plenty of hay for his horses. laughter stephen okay, zachariah, but what trumps lewd language and lusty behavior . Oh, i dont judge, stephen. Im on rumspringa right now, which means im free to enjoy al like appearing on your moving picture program, or all the ecstasy im currently doing laughter right here. Want some . Theyre freshly churned stephen no, thank you. I can feel colors stephen i can tell. That looks like a lot of fun. Thank you very much, but im good. So the amish believe trump would be a good leader. No. Thats what we like about him stephen what do you mean . Well, hell destroy this country and then well be the ones who are technologically advanced with our plows and churns and candlemaking, well be lords of the afterscape kneel before me, stephen worship at my buttonless boots Stephen Zachariah miller, everybody. By the way, do you have any more ecstasy . cheers and applause stephen well be right back with will forte . . Thunder . . . . Thunder . . Where do you think youre going . . . Where do you think youre goinggoing, girl . . . . Girl, where do you think youre going . . My sweethearts gone sayonara. This scarf all thats left to remem. What she washed this like a month ago im hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. But that doesnt stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. Thatd be devastating. I took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about oncedaily xarelto. A latest generation blood thinner. Then i made the switch. Xarelto . Significantly lowers the risk of stroke in people erferes with vitamin k and at least six blood clotting factors. Xarelto . Is selective targeting one critical factor of your bodys natural clotting function. For people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. Like all blood thinners, dont stop taking xarelto without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. While taking you may bruise more easily, and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. Ou take certain medicines. Xarelto can cause serious, and in rare cases fatal bleeding. Get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising or tingling. If you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. Do not take xarelto if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. Tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. Before starting xarelto tell your doctor about any conditions, such as kidney, liver or bleeding problems. Theres more to know. Xarelto. Im Catherine Cortez masto and i approve this message. I dont know what i said, ahh, i dont remember. Narrator and joe heck says i have high hopes well see donald trump become president. Trump you know, you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever. Narrator heck says he completely supports trump. I love war in a certain way. Narrator and heck . Reporter do you trust him having his finger heck i do. Reporter why do you say that . Heck why wouldnt i . Narrator donald trump and joe heck. Wrong for nevada. . . . cheers and applause stephen hi, so pretty. That was so pretty. Thats such a pretty wack ground. Writer, and comedian. His new book is 101 things to definitely not do if you want to get a chick. Please welcome the very funny will forte. Stephen thats awfully nice. Thats awfully nice. Thats a i have put on a little weight recently, and this is the jacket that fit, so. The pant are a different color. Stephen but it doesnt matter. It looks very hip. Thank you. Stephen like devil may care. My himself have gotten bigger and i thank you for bringing that up. Stephen are you gaining the weight for a part . I gained the weight while i was doing a part. Stephen that is good. That is good. But your tuxedo is your largest garment . Currently there is i have bigger ones, but theyre too with the pants that fit. laughter barely. Im doing all i can. Stephen youre fantastic. Thank you very much. Stephen you look absolutely fantastic. So do you. Stephen thank you very much, very kind, very kind. I understand before we get started here you having in you need to get off your chest. Yes, i feel very bad. There was i went to visit some friends last night, jason sedaikis and olivia wilde. No big deal. Im friends with them. Stephen hold on, hold on. Whatever. I didnt want to make a big deal out of but it was, you know, those two pretty bigtime celebrities, and im friends with them. No, but that has nothing to do with this, except for thats where i was. But i called an uber to leave, and the uber shows up. I get in the car, and immediately, i was hit with this, like, flowery smell. And so i wanted to be friendly with this guy. I was in a good mood. And i said, it smells wonderful in here. And he kind of looked back and yeah, yeah. And i didnt know what the heck that meant. And then we took off, like, 10 seconds later, the windows were down. And then i realized it the odor was covering up this mans horrible body odor problem. It was a big problem. And, like, so, i think this guy thought that i was, like, passive aggressively saying, you reek, laughter and so it was the most uncomfortable ride. I cant say, hey, i didnt know that you smelled so bad our wouldnt have said that. So laughter so, just i just, you know, so i just wanted to say apologize to the stinky ubercar driver. Stephen he knows who you are, obviously . Probably. I mean. No, im kidding. No, no, no, jason or olivia was i am friends with those guys, though, isnt that cool . Stephen youre friends with a lot of famous people because youre a famous person. I understand this was like homecoming for you. You actually worked in this building. You wrote for letterman. It was one of the most exciting things. Hes one of my heroes. Stephen mine, too. I sent him these cartoons that i drew thats a nice segway. You have 101 things to definitely not do if you want to get a chick. Yeah, these things that i ever wrote in comedy. It was the very first thing. I was 24 years old. Sent them to letterman. Got hired here mainly because of that. The pact i turned in was dog crap. It was not good. laughter so, you know, now 22 years later, somebody is letting me publish them. Stephen so what were you doing at the time when you drew these . I was working at a Music Publishing company. Tapes. laughter like, there were tapetotape things. Stephen that sounds made up. You sound made up. Im serious. I without pulled in a tape with a song on it and wait for four minutes while this thing dubbed. We didnt have a highspeed dub thing. I was waiting and i had time to kill so i started drawing some of these lets look at some of these stupid drawings of yours. Proudly stupid. Yeah. Stephen ill hold them up, and you describe these are things not to do if y get a chick or a girl. However you feel about that. This is something to not do. Never take board games too seriously. Sp then one says, you whore, mrs. Carter. You sunk my battleship. Thats good advice. Thats solid advice. You dont want to, you know, that was like, thats stephen take a look at that one. Pork. laughter feel how sharp my tines are. I can pick up meats of all different grades and texts. If you do that this one is my favorite. I thought maybe she would like this, but youre saying a woman would not like this. Never tattoo her face on your face. Its a good its solid advice. Stephen so youre 24 years old. 24 years old. Stephen did you show these did you show these to anyone . Because these are also mm these are like did you show these to anymore when you were 24 . I did show them to my girlfriend at the time, and she did not like them. But i gotta say, like i love them. I was 24 and single. And im 46 and single. So youve got to listen to what im saying here. This is good advice stephen why would anyone listen to you if youre still single at 46 . laughter applause have you had a bad date . Date . You know . Ive had a lot of bad dates. Plenty of bad dates. Stephen any particularly disastrous first bad dates . I didnt go out once with this girl, and a person came up and said we were hanging around, and this person came up and said it was while i was working at is the night live. Stephen you were famous at this point. Yeah, i didnt know jason or olivia yet. But th that was destined. Anyway, this person comes up and says like, oh, you know what . You know who you look like . And i was getting ready to play it cool with this girl and go, yeah, im on that show, yeah. Thats me. And she said, quentin tarantino. And i go, oh. It did not work in the same way i was expecting it to. And im 46 and single so things did not move forward with that woman. Stephen well, you, you on earth which is the third season coming up. Yes. Stephen great show. applause you seem like a fun guy. You took the whole cast and crew out for a fun outing here. This is what is this called . You took the whole its called a barcycle, or bar sickle. It was or first day back when we started writing. We got all the writers together and surprised them and went down to main street in santa and the cast met up with us you pedal from bar it bar . You pedal from bar to bar. Stephen there is a bar on the giant bicycle. There is a bar on there and there are legitimate bars as well, and we were just kind of going to different place s. Stephen someone was steering. Someone was steering hopefully. Someone is steering, and someone is doing the brakes. I dont know if you can tell this guy right here is just kind of laying down the whole time. You feel kind of bad for him. Function is. Stephen who is this ted danson was following us in the car because mary was just like, i want to psycheole there with the riders. Stephen his wife, mary steen beveragen was on the cycle with you, but he just followed . He just followed. Hes the best guy of all time, a doting husband. Stephen a designated driver on a totally different vehicle. Yes. Stephen thats really safe. Lovely to see you. I understand you actually have trouble saying gone at goodbye at parties and stuff like that. I do. I have a touch of o. C. D. S. Its mainly like checking things and patterns and stuff. But one of the things, i need closure on everything. I do have it just takes forever to get me you