Going to poke holes in you like a lean cuisine frozen dinner. 6. Stephen sorry. Force of habit. Stephen the next miewnt of mountain im going to summit is your rotting corpse. What are we doing . Weve been through so much together. Look, i can put a price on toothpaste. I can put a price on frozen lasagna, but i cant put a price stephen 48. Lets find out. buzzer oh stephen ill get you, drew carey, you sick bastard ill see you in hell its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes drew carey. And comedian bastian maniscalco. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey hey, everybody thank you very much. Jon hey cheers and applause . Stephen thanks, everybody. Thanks so much. Chris. Whats up, mark . Welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. With all the excitement of the president ial election, we havent been focusing on what congress has been up to. So let me bring you up to speed nothing. That nothingness now that the Supreme Court is back in session with only eight justices after the passing of antonin scalia. For a record seven months, republicans have refused to even grant a hearing to obamas pick, merrick garland. And even if they did, hed still be a long shot, because now hes got a sevenmonth gap on his resume to explain. Theyve been saying obama shouldnt get to pick because hes a lame duck. We should wait for the next president. But wednesday, ted cruz suggested that the g. O. P. May block sue indefinitely, adding, there is certainly long historical precedent for a Supreme Court with fewer justices. That is true. Just 238 years ago, we had zero justices. applause i mean, weve had its true. Fact check it. You can fact check that. I mean, weve had nine justices for the last 147 years, but ted cruz is in a bad mood, so do government anymore . laughter if no new justices are confirmed, the fact is, the grim reaper will eventually have the majority vote. So to stabilize the court, clearly, we need to appoint Supreme Court justices who live forever, like justice galapagos turtle, justice redwood, and Justice Ruth Bader ginsborg. cheers and applause resistance is futile. Resistance is futile. Some amazing news from the animal kingdom. Researchers have discovered that the louder a howler monkey is, the smaller its testicles are. And if the testicles are really small, the monkey puts his name on buildings and runs for president. cheers and applause is a sign of small testicles, i just want to say to the researchers, congratulations on this amazing discovery. There is some lesser news, smaller, more fun kind of stories out there, like this one. Russia is preparing for nuclear war. They must have seen the cubs in the world series and realized the end is near. Russian state tv just released ot Nuclear Preparedness drill involving 40 million citizens. Do they know something we dont . Should i spend the weekend making jerky . Because its not just drills. Two weeks ago, st. Petersburg approved a plan to store enough grain to provide bread to each City Resident for 20 days. And theres no better way to reassure the public than with the message, youll be around for almost three weeks. Now, enjoy a hearty bread sandwich by russian tv, evidently, which earlier this month warned citizens that schizophrenics from america are sharpening Nuclear Weapons for moscow. Yeah, were sharpening our nuclear warheads, so in case we lose the launch codes, we can shiv you in the showers with them. And russia isnt just playing defense. They recently unveiled a Nuclear Weapon called the rs28 sarmat rocket, which has the adorable pet name the satan 2. Really, russia . Did you already have a satan 1 . And you couldnt come up with a better name than satan 2 satan harder . Here are some better ones. How about the thunder fister . Or something truly terrifying, the Samsung Galaxy note 7. applause but russia still has time for because a russian expedition just discovered a secret nazi military base near the north pole. The outpost was called schatzgraber, which is german for treasure hunter, and not the thing donald trump bragged about. laughter the north pole base was constructed as a weather station which provided such valuable arctic weather reports as it is were freezing our schnitzels off. Fortunately for the allies, the base was abandoned after just one year because the staff was poisoned by eating raw polar bear meat contaminated with roundworms. How many times do i have to say it cook your polar bear meat its not furry sushi. But theres an even bigger revelation ive said it to you many times. But theres an even bigger revelation about the story. That can only mean one thing santa is a secret nazi think about it. Hear me out here. Its possible. Hes named klaus. He wears shiny boots. Need more proof . I dont have any. laughter and i dont want to believe this about my beloved santa, so here to address these allegations is kris kringle himself. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome santa claus. cheers and applause please, right here, santa. Santa, thank you so much. Thank you. Santa, i hope you forgive me, but there are some nasty rumors out there that you are secretly a nazi. Can you put our minds at ease . Lies all lies i am the sweet old man you know and love from your childhood. Stephen well, thats what i was hoping to hear. I gotta say, i cant place that accent. What is that . Its a north pole accent. Before being santa is a little hazy. How exactly did you come to live at the north pole . It was in 1946. I come up here for a vacation, and i see all this beautiful land near the pole, and i say, i must annex pole land laughter is there okay, that add up. That as up. Im so relieved, santa. And now every christmas bringing presents for the good children all around the ganse velt santa claus, thank you for being here. Santa claus, everybody. Make America Great again say hi to jon batiste. Weve got drew carey and when we return, i will be buck naked. Stick around. . . . Advil liqui gels work so fast youll ask what bad back . What pulled hammy . Advil liqui gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Whats it gonna be . An ovenbaked digiorno . Or waiting for delivery . Did you have that beard when we ordered . A hot, freshbaked crust . Or . Did we order extra soggy . Dont settle for delivery. Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. cheering on tv you may write me down in history, with your bitter, twisted lies. You may trod me in the very dirt, but still like dust, i rise. U can cut me with your lies. You can kill me with your hatefulness. But still, like air. I was out here smoking instead of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. . Oh . . With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of . . I said, its getting hot in herre . Ads for joe heck are attacking my time as attorney general. The thing they left out is the truth. The truth is crime actually went down during my time in office. Thats why ive been endorsed by Law Enforcement across nevada. Im proud of my record cracking down on meth, protecting seniors from scams, d Holding Banks accountable for defrauding homeowners. Im Catherine Cortez masto. I approve this message because ive spent my career solving problems. . . . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Those of you watching before the commercial break, i did yell into the camera when we came back from the commercial break i would be buck naked, and that was a typo. I want to apologize. Im actually going to be buck naked on our live Election Night show on showtime, where i legally can be buck naked. Please join us. cheers and applause but not aroused. Not aroused, but buck naked. laughter those are the rules. Welcome to my world. Jon, i understand you have a very special guest with the band tonight. Im very excited shes here. Tell everybody hois here. Jon yes, indeed, we have the lovely and talented aimee mann. B again. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. Stephen you know im a big fan. And youre doing a sock for the web tonight and its called cant you tell. Yeah. Stephen whats the background of the song . How did the song come about . Its the 30 songs in 30 days. Its A Dave Eggers project, and he had different artists write their version of an antitrump song. Stephen uhhuh. Yeah. And my version is because i like to write introspective viewpoint. Stephen yeah. So its in the first person. And i sort of feel like there was an aspect to trump where he wants to win . But kind of maybe thinks hes running for king rather than president. Like he doesnt really want the job necessarily. Stephen yeah, yeah. So i sort of took that emprisand wrote the . . Song about that. Stephen well, its a beautiful song, and it really gets to the heart of his. Craziness. Stephen yeah, great minds think alike about crazy people. laughter all right. Well, folks you know my first guest tonight from the the drew carey show, and whose line is it anyway . 10 years ago this man took over from bob barker as the host of the price is right. Now its celebrating 45 years on the air. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome drew carey. applause i wearing that was some nice physical comedy you can right there. New shoes tonight. And they have a very slippery floor. Stephen mine are rubberized. You almost had a lawsuit on your hand. Stephen do you want to own the building . I wouldnt mind a new landlord. That would be nice. Welcome and congratulations. Youre coming up on your tenth year. Can you believe that, tenth year as host. Stephen extraordinary. Even more congratulations. Congratulations to cleveland because youre mr. Cleveland and theyve had an amazing sports year. Im so happy. This is a good sports year. The caves won the n. B. A. Championship. The indians have a chance to win the world series. I own a soccer team, and they have a chance the game will be over by the time you see this hopefully we have a chance to win the championship. Those three things happens indians champions and the browns. Stephen theyre 07 right now. The browns cannot win any game this year or theyll ruin the whole season for everybody. Stephen have you been watching the series so far . Yeah, yeah, very excite gld this is actually were actually taping this before the game in chicago tonight. Are you going to go to any of the games . If it goes to six a id rather be here than be at a world series game. Stephen same here, drew. Youre awfully sweet. Yeah. They says, would you rather go to a world series things, this onceinalifetime thing or go to new york and coa promo . I said id rather go to new york. Stephen people at home who are at home and eating dry toast and drinking ginger ale because the morning. Its 11 30 at night. Kids must say i watch you when im home sick from school. Thats when i first saw the price is right. When i was first offered the show i thought that was all that happened. They said do you want to the show . And i said, the old man show that people only watch when theyre sick. No thanks. And i turned them down flat when they asked me. I was doing another night time game show on cbs and after the show got picked up it took having ano m to do the show. They explained who is watching it. Its not just sick people. Its stoners. laughter stephen you run the gamut from the sick to the stoned. Exactly. Stephen did you watch it growing up . No, i watched it when i was sick. Stephen i loved the price is right because i knew if i was watching it, that mean mom bought whatever i was selling her, you know. She believe they had didnt feel well. It got to be really popular to an hour in 75. When i went to college it started out as an hourlong show and was popular. I used to watch it. I never watched it when i was a kid because i was never around. In college i watched it between classes. A lot of people dont know this, but when i was in college i scheduled one whole season of classes around the gong show. Thats what kind of freak i was. The gong show and daytime game shows were more important for me the class is at 1 00. I wont go to that one. I guess ill change my major. Stephen you called the price is right a calling marine job. What do you mean a calling . I have said that to people. I feel like everything i have done in my life has prepared me to be the host of the price is right. All my standup experience, all my improv experience, the idea that i hosted another show, you know, whose line is it anyway . , i had hosting experience. And also the fact that i was my 30s makes me appreciate everything im doing. When a game show gives away at night time 100,000, it seems blah have a. And when you give away 2,000 and thats all they win, theyre still excited and im excited for them. I used to be completely broke and i know how valuable 2,000 is. All that stuff prepared me to empathize with people and do a good job as a host. I feel like its a calling. Stephen youre a buddhist, right . Yeah, yeah. Stephen i did not k producers told me beforehand. How does buddhism help you in your job . Its weird being a buddhism and being host of the price is right because one of the key thungz about buddhism is not have attachments to things or want things. Stephen material possessions. Yes. A lot of times im talk to somebody in the audience and i go, what do you do . And they go, im a minister. And i say you have a nice sermon stephen how much would you pay for nothingness . How much meditation would you put in to achieve this happiness. Stephen well take a break and be back with more can drew carey. Stick around. . . . applause . Lease a 2016 lincoln mkx for 349 a month. Only at your lincoln dealer. . . . . 23rd times the charm. Shhh. clink boom. Yes 23rd time is the charm, cliff. Yea, you showed me. Yes, you did. shelly thinking this must be how Odell Beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. Touchdown Odell Beckham jr. crowd noise odell thinking this must be how shelly felt when she won that purple bear. . . When you ache and havent slept. Youre not you. Tylenol . Pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. We give you a better night. Youre a better you all day. Tylenol . Habenera from carmen by andre rieu classical rendition habenera from carmen by andre rieu beat rendition habenera from carmen by andre rieu classical rendition habenera from carmen by andre rieu beat rendition n by andre rieu beat rendition when you see beautiful design. Do beautiful work. Stephen aimee mann, everybody. Were back with drew carey. I have a beef with you. I have a comedy beef with you. Really . Stephen yes. For many years as the people out there know, and cheers and applause as you mentioned before you were the host of whose line is it anyway . I was very happy, very honored that you guys asked me to come on many years ago, like, 200 and and 2000, plaib. Stephen thank you. That is nice of you to say. Diimprovisation before then in chicago. I said i just have one request. I just have one request. Please, ill do anything. Dont ask me to rap because, like, white guy rapping, like white guy rapping, i just i cant do it. And i its fun to watch. Stephen it is. Agonizing to do. Fun to watch. And so have a really great time. And the very last thing i did was entire i think we shot guys or something in one sitting. Youre like, all right, lets do a rap. Stephen, why dont you get up on stage. And i was like damn it you know, i had nothing to do with that. Thats all Dan Patterson and the production crew. Theyre the ones who did that. Stephen you tell them to go to hell. I will. I think at the end of the show, the band you have a special guest maybe do a rap with the band. Stephen of two of us . If you want me to. Stephen youll bet. Give me a beat stephen exactly. Now ive got a couple of questions here. Sure. Stephen because my Graphics Department here oh, yeah. Stephen theyre absolutely addicted. So, theyre addicted because during the day, theyre doing graphics and they have the tv on the in background when theyre supposed to be working. Stephen thats exactly right. Theyre working like they consider you a member of the Graphics Department. Well because youre there every day. I have some rapidfire questions here they need to know because theyre really cus the price is right. Describe the tension of the spinning wheel. How hard is it to spin . Uh, its actually a lot heavier than people think it is because its made out of wood, plywood. If you ever see, like, a really old lady or Something Like that, that distribute have a . . Lot of . Strength theyre almost the perfect spinners if they go first because they can get it around once. Stephen how of how often do you get hurt from enthusiastic hugging . You must get tired of getting picked up. I love it. Only one time, i think the second or third season, a woman kicked me in the nuts. It wasnt a fullon. It was more like a lovetap kind of thing. It was one of those Pay Attention ones you get once in a while. Stephen and the guys and the girls in graphics have a theory about plirchgo. Their theory is if you drop the the plinko sign ryou more likely to win 10,000 . My theor seyou should drop it from the from and the dot of the i if youre looking at it is off to the left a little bit so you want to drop it where the break in the n is on the bottom. You want to drop it there. Its in the middle if i was playing pinko, i would crop it there. I wouldnt shove it or spin it. I would thereto drop from the middle. That to me has the best chance stephen thats professional advice right there. Straight for the horse. Straight for the horse. Stephen lastly, we here lover the price is right. We love the price is right theme song. We believe the the price is right theme song can make anything happy. I actually. When get up in the morning, when i brush my teeth and stuff, its playing in my head . Im getting ready for work . Stephen we will prove it can make anythingap we have a couple loaded up here. This is the first example of how the price is right theme song can make any moment happy. Jim. . . . Do you want to do one . Is that the only one you have . Stephen no, no, we have another. Would you like to call for one . Whats his name . Jim, put up another one.