Wont say what it says. Say it stephen it says youre uncool. This is a vintage sweater. I challenge you to settle this like gentleman . . . . . . shouting stephen elijah, hey man, great to finally have you on the show. Ive been on a couple times, stephen. Stephen are you sure, man . Yeah, remember i was on that one time, and then i was on again and we argued about you not remembering me the first time . Stephen no, sorry. And then we jousted . Lance sticking out of your gut. Stephen thats always been there. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes tiger woods, elijah wood and jorge ramos, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . . . Stephen hey look at that thank you, everybody cheers and applause . . . Stephen jon batiste, everybody cheers and applause hey up there, out there, way over there. Good to see you piano riff good to see you, everybody thank you so much awfully nice. Awfully nice. cheers and applause thank you so much. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Everybody feeling all right tonight . cheering thanks very much. Well, thank you so much for your energy, because we were here late last night, we did the show live last night. Were a little, uh, we have a trump hangover. Last nights third and final debate, if there is a god. Now, everybodys wondering who won. Like this debate and every debate, who won, who won, who won the debate . Well, cnn, and this is true, named the winner of the debate hours before the debate began. And they say it was excedrin, for their tweet, the possibility of a debate headache is high, be prepared with thats cute. But of course, after watching the debate, we know the real winner was nyquil sweet darkness of sleep, its your only escape. Now the polls pretty much all say clinton won, but trump is no longer accepting the polls or reality because this is what he said last night, when Chris Wallace asked him if he would accept the election results. What im saying is that, i will tell you at the time. Ill keep you in suspense. Stephen yes, suspense. Thats president ial. It reminds me of f. D. R. s first inaugural the only thing we have to fear is. Stay tuned to find out dramatic music stephen yeah yeah yeah yeah got chills. Spoiler alert. It was nazis. laughter now, a lot of people say trump not promising to accept the results disqualifies him from the presidency. So, today, in response, trump assured voters that he believes in the peaceful transfer of power. Ladies and gentlemen, i want to make a major announcement today. I would like to promise and pledge to all of my voters and supporters and to all of the people of the United States that i will totally accept the results of this great and historic president ial election. If. I. Win. audience reacts oh, come on oh, come on youve got to give it to him youve got to give it to him you know, you really got me for a second there i actually believed you had a shred of integrity. What an amazing psychout. You know, a national psychout. Its like that classic joke where you offer to shake somebodys hand, but when they go to shake it, you undermine our system of government. laughter so, how did we get to the point how did we get to the point where the fate of the american experiment rests in Donald Trumps tiny, whining, loser hands . cheers and applause truly. Truly, the bleep has grabbed us. laughter cheers and applause watch it. Stephen and undermining 250 years of Representative Democracy to protect his ego wasnt trumps only contribution to the debate. Listen to what he said about mexican immigrants. Were going to get them out, were going to secure the border and, once the border is secured, at a later date, well make a determination as to the rest. But we have some bad hombres here, and were gonna get them out. Stephen yeah, bad hombres. I think he thinks hes running for sheriff. We got hombres, muchachos, compadres, quesadillas. laughter i am actually kind of surprised that trump didnt do better in the debate, because we know he prepared. It came out that trump held practice debates with Chris Christie playing the role of Hillary Clinton. So, you know, trump was ready, if hillary started weeping quietly while she handed him his lets be fair, Hillary Clinton had her moments. Heres what she said about her tax plans we are going to go where the money is. Stephen and she knows where the money is. Its where she gives her speeches. Now, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . . . cheers and applause . . . Stephen yeah cheers and applause stephen oh, well, its been an upsetting campaign, hasnt it, jon . Jon well, you know. We got to deal with it, but its only four years. Stephen exactly. Whatever happens, its only four years. And were just now a few weeks from election day which means its time for every american to perform their civic duty, threatening to move to canada if it happens, talk like this happens every four years. Canada is like americas safety school. So, i started to wonder, if you really did want to move to canada, what would that take . So, for you, the viewer, i found out. Jim . I met with torontobased canadian immigration lawyer, andrew cumming, to find out how to turn over a new maple leaf. Thanks so much for talking to me today. Pleasure to myo stephen so what do we got here . Ask away, on behalf of my audience. So, your name, exactly as it appears on your passport. Stephen its Stephen Colbert. Colbert. Stephen, do you have any nicknames . Stephen oh, lets see steve, stevearino, eightball, hambone, brangelina. Stephen, how old are you . Stephen how old do you think i am . Dont worry about my feelings. Going to. Youre not going to hurt. Whatever you want. What do you think . How old do you think i am . 52. Stephen okay, bleep you. All right. I mean, i apologize. I mean, correct. I mean, good for you. Good for canada, you. Sex . Stephen sure, yeah. Lets do it. Ill take that as male. Stephen what . Color of your eyes . Stephen tell me what color they are. Do you remember . Dark brown. Stephen okay, pretty good. Your eyes are beautiful, they are like jade. Thank you. Stephen theyre like polished jade, like precious stones that i found in a tomb in a Forgotten Valley somewhere in mongolia. And as i held the glistening stones in my hands and run the fresh spring water over them to reveal their agate glory. That will not assist you in the application. Lets move along. Stephen will not, okay. You do have beautiful eyes. Thank you. Any criminal issues we need to be aware of . Any concerns with war crimes or crimes against humanity . Stephen im not concerned at all. And no previous convictions . Stephen convictions . Yes. Stephen no. Excellent. So then, i need you to sign this paperwork. And, do you have a photo . We need immigration pictures. Stephen okay, i got one. I got one right here. Um, stephen your eyes are not brown in that picture. Stephen nope, theyre not. The lighting in here is bad. But this is what i look like when i am properly lit, in canada. So, stephen, lets assume we in canada. If you want to move to canada, i have to warn you that there will eventually be a citizenship test in order for you to become a canadian citizen. Stephen okay. And i think it would be worthwhile to go through some of the questions, so you get a bit of the flavor for what is involved. Are you ready for that . Stephen i am in. How are members of parliament chosen . Stephen oh, umm lumberjack competition . The octagon . The canadian octagon . Man apologizes . No laughs stephen no . Okay, sorry. Lets move on. Lets try this one. Name two canadian symbols. Stephen the maple leaf, and the barenaked lady. breaths in i am going to give you half a check for that. Stephen half a check. Okay, all right, great. Things are turning around now. Ahhh what are the three branches of government . Stephen umm, the n. H. L. , tim hortons and alan thicke. I will have to give x, x and x to that. Stephen, what are the three responsibilities of citizenship . Stephen to defend the queen, for some reason. Um, protecting children from wandering polar bears; adding unnecessary us to words like flavor and color; oh, and you must be able to sing at least one Gordon Lightfoot song at can you do that . Stephen name one name one the wreck of the edmond fitzgerald. Stephen singing . The legend lives on from the chippewa on down, of the big lake they called gitche gumee . What else . Name it. Sundown. Stephen singing . Sundown . . You better take care . . If i find you been creepin round my back stairs . I am very impressed. Stephen singing . If you could read my mind, love . . What a tale . . It was ten degrees or colder, down by bolder dam that day i heard you talking in your sleep . . Call . Okay. Stephen singing . Carefree highway, let me slip away on . . Second cup of coffee and i still cant face the day . That is impressive. Stephen singing . Through the woodlands, through the valley comes a horseman wild and free . . Tilting at the windmills passing . . Who can the brave young horseman be . I am going to give you a check for that. Stephen singing . I heard you talking last night . . Thats right, yes i heard you call . . But i could hardly hear the name you spoke . . Thats a name i dont recall . Come on, i am a canadian i bet Justin Trudeau couldnt name that many Gordon Lightfoot songs i can sing them, baby that was very, very impressive. Stephen thank you, thank you very much. So, am i a citizen now . Not quite a citizen. In fact, not even a permanent resident. But we would love to have you. Stephen well, andrew, i would love to be had. Thank you so much. Canada, here i come maybe. Well see what happens on november 8. Good luck stephen thank you, canada woods cheers and applause enjoy your phone you too. inner monologue all right, be cool. You got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at t. At . . Aand you got limited data because you. Ve directv . . Okay, just a few more steps. Door its cool get the iphone 7 on us and unlimited data . Mapping the oceans. Where we explore. Protecting biodiversity. Everywhere we work. Defeating malaria. Improving energy efficiency. Developing more clean burning natural gas. My job . My job at exxonmobil . Turning algae into biofuels. Reducing Energy Poverty in the developing world. Making cars go further with less. Fueling the global economy. And you thought we just made the gas. . . You never believed in fairytales. Knights in shining armor or happily ever after. But you believed when the right one came along, youd be ready. Time to shine. Orbit. Hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. . . . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause guest tonight is a golf legend and pop culture icon. He has 14 majors, 11 p. G. A. Player of the year awards and 20 years of the tiger woods foundation. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome tiger woods cheers and applause . . . . . . Stephen everybodys excited to see tiger woods. Not a lot of times do friends call me up and say, can i come to the show . Sometimes its like a big band, and tiger woods. That must feel pretty good. You are an event everywhere you go. I dont know about that. Stephen no, you kind of are, if someone cares about golf. Thats a good point. Stephen that is a good point. Otherwise, people go, seems like a nice enough guy, why is yeah, fair enough. Good talk so far. Stephen now, 14 majors, 79 p. G. A. Tour wins, only missed 15 cuts in over 300 p. G. A. Tour events. Thats a 95 ratio of making the cut there. Jordan spieth is only 22. He missed more cuts than you have. Did you call him up and talk to him . No, thats 15 too many. Stephen thats 15 too many . All right. So when are you getting back to golf . Because you have been teasing us here with the idea stephen youre supposed to play the safeway open. Right. Stephen last minute you said youre not going to play, your game was not there. Wheres your game . Well, my game is coming. Its getting there. Im not quite there where i can shoot. I feel like i can shoot 63s and 64s in tournaments. Im shooting low rounds at home but i dont quite feel im ready to shoot those types of scores under tournament conditions. Stephen okay, you were going to play Turkish Airlines open, next one is, whats this next one, theres another one coming up here, the hero world challenge, which youre hosting. Yes, i am. Stephen im buying my airline tickets. Are you going to actually play . Ill be there playing. Stephen youre going to play . All right. Okay. cheers and applause now that weve got everybody excited for you coming back, why come back . laughter youve done it all youve got nothing left to prove. I love playing. Stephen really . I love trying to beat these boys, its fun. Stephen and they are kind of boys compared to you because it will be 20 years since you absolutely destroyed everybody at the masters. I was giving jordan pretty good grief at the ryder cup because when i won the masters, he was still in diapers. Stephen not a metaphor. No. I have been doing this for a while, but i love being out there and competing, i love and love to compete at the highest level. Stephen and what do you think. Are you ever tempted to retire, so you can do what retirees do and play golf . laughter because thats winwin, thats winwin, tiger woods. Well, heres the deal. Golfers, when we want to relax, we go fishing. What do fishermen do to relax . Stephen stop fishing. Stop fishing. Okay. Stephen so how long has it been s p. G. A. Tournament . Its been august, its been over a year. Stephen okay, so anything about your time off, has it been humbling to you about your time not playing . Yeah, since ive had two back surgeries since then and, you know, i like to practice and compete all day. Thats one of my things. I like to grind it out, but the thing is i wasnt able to do that on the golf course. So i applied my same intensity in my craft, my focus to call of duty. Dont laugh. applause i will spend eight hours a day, get a 30 minute lunch break, be in my reclining grandpa chair playing. And then, i thought i was good, because i got through the campaigns, no big deal, and then i went online. And when 7yearolds are beating you from around the world, humbling. Stephen time to stop. By the way, i like the beard. Took about three and months to grow. Stephen really . You look like tiger woods evil twin right now. You can psych out your opponent with that. Well, you can see im half asian, so it doesnt quite fill in through here. But i can get this thing going. Stephen okay. Something like that. Get a little twirl to it, yeah. Stephen i got to ask you one question about your exwife. You told time magazine, less than a year ago, that she is one of your best friends. Keeping your exwife your best friend, given how that ended, my friend right. Stephen thats more impressive than being 11 time p. G. A. Player of the year. applause laughter . . . Stephen honest to god, how did you guys work it out . You know, it becomes two simple things, okay, is that we have sam and we have charlie. And we love them so much, were going to do whatever it takes to make that work. applause thats how it happened, and shes been one of my best friends. Ive talked to her about so many Different Things and she does a does same thing with me, we go back and forth. And we communicate so much better now, its incredible. I wish we had done that earlier on, but its been incredible to have a best friend like that. Stephen well, thats good to know. I want to talk about your tiger woods. . . . cheers and applause hon, i dont know if i deserve this i dont really work with my hands. You change a ton of diapers your usual . Not for me for him. Hon, you have something in your hair. Would you like an oatmeal scrub . I already ate, actually. Hon, we listen to carol. Make my eyes pop . Is this supposed to happen . We should do this more often. Hold hands . No, sit in crazy chairs. Get together and shop small on Small Business saturday. Small business saturday is our day to get out and shop small. A day to support our community and show some love for the people we love. And the places we love. The stuff we cant get anywhere else and food that tastes like home. Ow is Small Business saturday. Lets shop small for our neighborhood, our town, our home. Get up, all get together and shop small. . . Is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. . . Youre ready. Get ready to experience a cup above. Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . . just like mom, hey guys, im home of course no one said it had to be cooked. Campbells one dish recipes, designed around one pan and your schedule. . . . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody were here with tiger woods. Now, tiger, youre one of the great golfers of all time but also a great popularizer of golfers. Of golf. And another man who is known for that is, of course, is arnold palmer. Heres a photo of you and arnold together. applause a lot of members of arnies army here. Arnold palmer just passed away. Was he an important figure for you . Did you learn much from him . Oh, my god, he was one of my heroes. And we became great friends. Got a chance to win his Golf Tournament a few times. And to have him come, as i come a great bear hug, is something that is, will always be special. To see that photo of arnie and i on the green of us chitchatting. We were always needling each other, i mean, pretty hard, which is a lot of fun. Stephen i understand when you were an amateur, he actually took you to lunch once. Okay, so, when i was at stanford he invited me to come over to the silverado, which is where the safeway was, to have dinner with him. So i go to dinner, and we have a great steak er leave. Well, my coach finds out, says did you pick up the tab . Its arnold palmer. Im a college student. Its arnold palmer. So he says, well, i dont know about this. So he calls ncaas, they deem me ineligible. Because, i dont know, whatever it was. Stephen ineligible as an amateur because he bought you a steak . So, i had to write a check to i was at el paso for the all american. And until the check cleared, he had to cash the check, send a fax copy to the ncaas and i was eligible to compete in the all american. Stephen wow. Its not that strict anymore, right . Since then it changed a little bit. Stephen 20th anniversary of the tiger woods foundation. Yes. Stephen how has it grown now . The emphasis was to get more participation in golf. We did that with junior golf clinics around the country. When 9 11 happened and i drove home on the 13t