Speak russian. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] President Trump today met with the leaders of fiat, chrysler, ford, and general motors. And he asked them one question. How many people do you think were at my inauguration . [ laughter ] President Trump said today that he is, to a large extent, an environmentalist. Well he certainly made sure that the grass in the National Mall wasnt trampled. [ laughter and applause ] stay back. Stay back. According to sources, Hillary Clinton is seriously considering running for mayor of new york city. And just to be a dick, so is trump. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] today was National Peanut butter day. Interesting fact about peanut butter, its what they put in the president s mouth to make it look like hes talking. [ laughter and applause ] google maps has announced a feature that will help users find a parking spot at their destination, and just look at all these open spaces it found. [ laughter and applause ] actor mel gibson welcomed his ninth child this weekend. Hey, mel. Mazel tov. [ laughter ] good for you. Police are searching for a man who broke into a sex shop to steal a blowup doll, and they shouldnt have much trouble catching him because hes probably out of breath. [ light laughter ] but why is he out of breath . Think about it, get back to me. [ light laughter ] and finally, today was National Compliment day, so, to my wife, id just like to say, youre a very lucky woman. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show tonight. Hes the host of bravos watch what happens live, also a New York Times best selling author and a dear friend of our show. Andy cohen is here tonight, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] she is the star of girlfriends guide to divorce. Shes also going to help me with some serious day drinking. Retta is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] and he wrote an incredible cover story for the atlantic on president obama called my president was black. Tanehisi coates is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] so excited that i get a chance to talk to him again. Before we get to that, in a meeting yesterday with a Bipartisan Group of congressional leaders, President Trump repeated the false claim he would have won the popular vote had it not been for three to five Million People who voted illegally, which brings us to a segment we call, hey [ cheers and applause ] seth hey, why do you keep lying about this . There is zero evidence for this claim. Also, why would you say three to five Million People . We already know from the inauguration you have no idea what a Million People looks like. [ laughter ] just accept youre bad at guesstimating. How many kids do you have . Well, theres ivanka 20 . [ laughter ] but hey, you won the election. What are you complaining about . Youre like a guy who wins the super bowl and spends the post game interview complaining about a pass interference call in the first quarter. Winners dont complain about the final score. You know who does . Degenerate gamblers. [ light laughter ] but i guess if you knew anything about gamblers, your casinos would still be open. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] the election the election is over and youre the president. So let me just say what dozens of women have already said to you. Hey, let go of it. [ audience ohs ] this has been hey. [ cheers and applause ] you guys, here at late night, every night i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes that are written by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to my being a straight white male would be difficult for me to deliver. But we dont think that should stop you from enjoying them, so wed like to share them with you in a segment called jokes seth cant tell. [ cheers and applause ] seth hey everybody, these are two of our writers, amber and jenny. Im black. And im gay. And were both women. Seth and im not. [ laughter ] so heres how this works. Ill read the setups for jokes and then amber and jenny will read the punch line. So, all right, here we go. According to a recent article, lesbian bars in america have almost completely disappeared. Theres only one left, and its called guitar center. [ light laughter ] seth so if there are no lesbian bars, how do lesbians find each other . Oh, there are signs. You know, like a crisp buttondown shirt, or a strong jaw line or a short hair cut thats kind of spiky in the front. You mean, like this . Yeah, exactly like this. [ laughter ] seth strong jaw line, ill take it. [ light laughter ] a florida theater is set to screen a series of africanamerican silent films. Said people in the theater, finally a movie that wont interrupt my conversation. [ laughter and applause ] seth neo nazis have declared new balance the official shoes of white people. While the official shoes of lesbians are ugly. [ light laughter ] seth aw, come on, jenny. Lesbians dont wear ugly shoes. Okay, yeah. Point taken. [ light laughter ] those are your fancy shoes. [ light laughter ] the department of justice recently found that the Chicago Police use excessive force. Said black people, theres a department of justice . [ laughter and applause ] seth a new lesbian dating app called click rejects the concept of swiping and instead matches women based on their values and interests. That way users can keep their fingers free for other stuff. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] seth lesbians. [ laughter ] british Prime Minister theresa may today outlined her plans for how the u. K. Will leave the european union, which some are calling a black brexit. Before that, the definition of black brexit was when you left ihop before you got the check. [ laughter ] seth im glad i didnt tell that one. Im glad you told that one. Im a little sad i told it. Seth Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi are reportedly shopping for a house in australia. Which makes sense, since lesbians love to go down under. [ laughter and applause ] seth the library at the university of West Virginia is seeking copies of three rare africanamerican newspapers published in the early 20th century. But you cant have mine because there are coupons for baby powder in there. [ light laughter ] seth what do you use wait. What do you use baby powder for . To put on my face in case the cops pull me over. [ laughter and applause ] hey, seth. Why dont you tell one . Seth no, i dont want to. Come on. Seth i think if i do, ill get in trouble. Okay, i trust you guys. [ light laughter ] the academy gave eight nominations today to the black, gay comingofage film moonlight. Though i prefer its original name, brokeblack mountain. [ light laughter ] how dare you . Seth you told me it would be okay you should be ashamed of yourself seth black women and lesbians are liars [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with andy cohen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] how do you become americas bestselling brand . All right . Ooohhh yeah. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Im breating, lets go. You make it protective. Can you go a little faster . Just trying to be safe. You make it hard working. Hey guys. You make it so everyones happy. Going further to make life better. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. With hotels. Coms for every 10 nights you stay, you get one free. Which is great for families. Finally whatever captain obvious. Hotels. Com. Great for families. Mom and for sore losers any of your favorite footlongs now for just six dollars. An endless cavalcade of premium subs. Any footlong on the menu for just six dollars. So, bring your appetite america, the subway footlong fest is upon us. W. I was always searching for ways to manage my symptoms. I thought i had it covered. Then i realized managing was all i was doing. When i finally told my doctor, he said humira was for people like me who have tried other medications,. But still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohns disease. In clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. And many achieved remission. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers,. Including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions,. And new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb,. Hepatitis b, are prone to infections,. Or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. If youre still just managing your symptoms, ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, remission is possible. Ve been on im bushed my feel alyea me too. Excuse me. Coming through ride the gel wave of comfort with dr. Scholls massaging gel insoles. Theyre proven to give you comfort. Which helps you feel more energized. All day long. I want what he has. My hygi. A mouthwash. O try. So i tried crest. It does so much more than give me fresh breath. Crest prohealth mouthwash provides all. Of these benefits to help you get better dental checkups. Go pro with crest mouthwash. Checkup . Nailed it [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please, give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, back with us tonight on drums, hes from the grammynominated rock band mutemath who are coming off a summer tour and surprise ep collaboration with 21 pilots, and are currently working on their fifth studio album. Darren king is here, everybody. There he is. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a New York Times bestselling author and the host of watch what happens live, which airs sunday through thursday at 11 00 pm on bravo. Please welcome back to the show, our friend andy cohen, everybody [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Im great. That was so funny. You know, if the president saw any of your monologue seth yeah. He would bust a capillary, i feel like. Seth it wouldnt be great. Im glad that this is not a show he seems to watch. Right. [ laughter ] seth i understand. Yes, yes. Seth i understand the choices he makes. I want to congratulate you thank you. Seth because i have done your show before. It is one of the most fun shows to do. Thank you. Seth its right here in new york city. Yes. Seth but youve just upgraded your studio. Yes, we moved basically from, like, a tictac to a studio apartment. Seth okay, great. [ light laughter ] so we had 18 seats, and now we have 34 seats. [ cheers ] which is seth which is great. [ applause ] it i you know, its hard to explain to people exactly how small your old studio was. Its teeny. And the new one is really small, too. Seth yeah. Last night, Jerry Oconnell was on. Seth yep. And he we were about 15 seconds before air. He was leaning back and busted his chair. Were down a chair. Seth i think we have a shot of this. [ light laughter ] cause this is not something you [ laughter ] and the chair broke and the chair broke. By the way, i did nothing. And i realized today, i didnt even ask him, like, are you okay . [ laughter ] i go, our chair [ laughter ] hes a regular on the show. Its okay. Seth hes a regular. Hell be back. Yeah, its fine. Seth and but it was the funny thing about the show is at commercial breaks, you kind of, as a guest, have no choice but to talk to the people. They are so close to you. I know, cause theyre on you theyre in your lap. Seth hey, how you doing . Theyre like, oh, good. Exactly. Seth are you happy im here . Theyre like, no. [ laughter ] yeah, exactly. Seth you have two is it two oprah chairs . From the oprah studio . Yes we bought its the most expensive part of our new studio. We bought two chairs from the old Oprah Winfrey show audience. Seth so two of the 34 chairs are yes, there are vip chairs. Seth okay. And they have plaques on them that say, like, certified oprah with her signature. The final seas not a real signature, of course. Seth right. [ light laughter ] but they were like, 500 each. So it was really we had to go to bravo and be like, uh, can we have a thousand dollars for these chairs . [ laughter ] seth and so and they were like, for all the chairs . Youre like, no, two of the chairs. [ light laughter ] yeah. Theyre like, youre over budget now. Seth who sits there . Who gets the oprah chairs . Um, just vips or friends of the guests, or goodlooking people, or cute people or upbeat people. Seth gotcha. Yeah. Seth and obviously if oprah came, she would be led to those immediately. Well, no. She would be with me, of course, but we would want her to touch the chairs. Seth you also you have a lovely dog. I see you walking him all the time. Wacha . Yes. Seth and now you have a stuffed wacha for the set. We do, yeah. Thats oh, yeah, wacha hates [ audience aws ] seth so wacha hates stuffed wacha . Yes, this is wacha about to rip poor little stuffed wacha apart. Yeah. Seth it must be traumatic for a dog to see another version of himself that never has to eat yes. Seth never has to go do the bathroom. Yes seth hes like, oh, this is a real upgrade. I know. He is becoming my favorite dog. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] stuffed wacha. He gives me no no lip. Seth we were talking backstage. Obviously the trump administration, theres a lot of interseting characters that are now on our tv every day. Kellyann conway, who was on this show obsessed. Obsessed. Seth and you see she recently said alternative facts. My favorite statement ever made [ laughter ] in the history of ever. [ applause ] and i you know, i ive been saying for many, many for a year, i was calling all the debates housewives reunions. Seth yeah. Because they were. And the parallels to the housewives and a lot of the things that happened during the election there are so many. And kellyann conway i am begging her to just consider a spot on the housewives. Seth shed be such a great housewife. Shed be amazing, because alternative facts i am waiting for them to bust it out. Im taping the Beverly Hills reunion in a few weeks, and im waiting for lisa rinna to be like, well, no, thats an alternative fact, but, you know. [ laughter ] and she but she reminds me someone tweeted me the other day and pointed out, she do you remember michaele salahi, who crashed the white house . Seth yes. She actually also really looks like michaele salahi. And interviewing her is i was interviewing michaele like, did you were you invited to the white house . Shes like, well, i mean, you know, they told us that if we came, you know, we might be got in. Im like, okay, so were you invited . Shes like, well, when we got there, we you know, its a circle. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] its amazing. Seth it would be alternative facts. [ laughter ] were you a redskins cheerleader . Well, you know, when i cheered, i oh, so you did cheer. No, well, no. Hold on. [ laughter ] seth im not done with the circle. Yeah, right, exactly. Seth im here, and i gotta come all the way around. I want to make a full circle. Seth my dad will call me sometimes, give me feedback on my show. Your mom i love your parents. Seth yeah, my parents i met them at a benefit. Seth yeah, they theyre kooky [ laughter ] seth they were very excited to meet you. Yeah. Yes, i was maybe more excited to meet them. Seth the best is i dont know if your parents are like my parents, but they said, were going to this event that andy cohen is hosting. And i just knew, theyre definitely gonna go say hi to andy. Oh, my god. I took a selfie with them immediately. [ laughter ] seth yeah. I was like, can i have a selfie with you please . [ light laughter ] yes. Seth but your mom will give you feedback on your show. Yes, she does. Blistering, brutal. Seth really . Yes, yes. Never stops. Last week was particularly rough becau i mean, literally, im walking off the air, and the text comes in, disgusting [ laughter ] like, gross a riot . Okay, and then i had three in a row that got literally, i thought she was never gonna she has told me in the past that my show has jumped the shark. Seth right. Shes like, no more crotch games. [ laughter ] cause we do a lot of crotch guessing games and such. Seth sure. And then last wednesday, Neil Patrick Harris and b. J. Novak were on, and she said, finally a decent show [ laughter ] finally decent. Yeah. Seth thats very nice. Yeah, yeah. Seth i forgot, too, thats an especially bitter pill, cause youre a live show, so you see it right when i get off the air. Seth yeah. As im walking out. Seth my parents are like 24 hours behind, so ive moved on by the time they criticize this one. Yes, right, exactly. Youre over whatever funk you your own personal demons you might be in. Yes. Hows my office, by the way . Seth what . Hows my office . Seth oh, yeah, i i have andys old office. Yeah. Seth he used to have its beautiful. Its good . That view. Seth yeah, good use of the rink. Yeah, watch the rink all the time. Did you ever sometimes when im having a bad day, i will watch tourists on the ice rink, because its only a matter of like, 30 seconds before someone takes a total header. [ laughter ] yes oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Seth and its really just brings me such joy. [ laughter ] but how bad is christmastime . Because not only do you have the lights from saks, which is a full on laser show thats insane, coming right at you, but then the bells from the salvation army. Seth salvation, yeah. And theres nothing worse than looking irritated at someone whos raising money for charity. [ laughter ] i have no problem with it. Seth oh, youre fine with it . I dont have a problem with it. Seth this is nice, because now its just the rink is like, all thats left. Yes, but then election night, nbc goes crazy, and then they do the spotlights. Seth do the lights again, and you feel like youre under attack. I want to ask you one last thing, because sometimes when i watch your show, you will have a housewife and a celebrity. Yes. Seth sort of an alist celebrity, even. Yes. Seth who is more excited . Are the celebs equally excited to meet the housewives . Usually the celebrities are more excited. [ light laughter ] because the housewives are like, oh, my god, i have someone new to tell my stuff to. [ laughter ] you know . Once, Sarah Jessica parker was in the audience once, and ramona was on. I cant remember why sarah was there, but ramona was on. And ramona was like, you know what . I am mad at derinda. She really you know . And sarahs like, all right, whoa. I got it. [ laughter ] seth i love that theyre just looking for new ears yes seth with which to litigate old beefs. Yes thats right. Seth