[ light laughter ] President Trump yesterday described the discussions over the Republican Health plan as a, quote, big, fat, beautiful negotiation. Well, hes making progress. Its the first time hes ever described anything as fat and beautiful. [ laughter ] good for you. President trump yesterday held his first Cabinet Meeting at the white house, while eric trump lives in a white house cabinet. [ laughter ] can i come out now, father . Are the guests gone . [ cheers and applause ] according to the washington post, President Trump has spent about 15 of the time since his inauguration at a property that he owns or that is named after him. Hes splitting his time between trump tower, trump golf courses, and the fat old racist spa and resort. [ laughter ] and despite the name, excellent, excellent spa services. [ light laughter ] a woman confronted White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in an apple store this weekend. Not sure where he was in the apple store, but safe to say, not at the genius bar. [ laughter ] the cincinnati zoo recently brought in a dog to help care for three tiger cubs neglected by their mother. Said visitors, i dont see a dog. [ audience groans ] [ light laughter ] [ bark ] [ clapping ] come here, pooch. I just see three fat tiger cubs. [ light laughter ] they ate the dog. [ laughter ] a smart Sex Toy Company has been ordered to pay its clients after it was revealed that it was tracking the users activities. Users became suspicious when it showed up on facebook. [ laughter ] an oregon Man Led Police on a 10mile highspeed chase on sunday in a stolen street sweeper truck. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his Community Service was done. [ light laughter ] police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as miller time. [ light laughter ] google and levis have teamed up to sell a 350 smart denim jacket that has special material allowing a person to control their music on their smartphone. You can check messages, too but heads up, you dont have any. [ laughter ] sorry, chachi, nobodys writing to the guy in the weird denim jacket. [ light laughter ] and finally, researchers recently discovered the oldestknown human cranium fossil in portugal, estimated to be around 400,000 years old. They realized right away it was pretty old because of the hat. [ audience groans ] [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] hes in a fantastic new film, t2 trainspotting. One of my favorite actors, Ewan Mcgregor is here tonight, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] very excited to talk to him. From hbos fantastic show, little big lies, zoe kravitz joins us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and we have music from a fantastic country star. Jon pardi is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] so its a great show. Before we get to that, iowa representative steve king came under fire this week after he tweeted his support of antimuslim dutch candidate geert wilders, saying, quote, wilders understands that culture and demographics are our destiny. We cant restore our civilization with somebody elses babies. A tweet many are calling overtly racist, which brings me to a segment we call a couple things. [ cheers and applause ] seth first thing youre a 67yearold man. All the babies are someone elses babies. [ light laughter ] and by the way, we can restore our civilization with somebody elses babies beyonces. Shes having twins and if im reading the prophecy correctly, they will save us all. [ light laughter ] [ cheers ] second thing steve king, what are you so worried about . Your district is 96 white. Youre basically the manager of the Worlds Largest williamssonoma. [ light laughter ] iowas Fourth District couldnt be any whiter if you carpet bombed it with crest white strips. [ light laughter ] third thing you know youve really accomplished something when the guy who wrote cujo is no longer the scariest stephen king. [ light laughter ] and in case youre still wondering if your tweet was racist, you got a shout out from david duke. As a general rule of thumb, when the former grand wizard of the kkk chimes in to say he agrees with you, its time to reexamine your stance. If you make a pork chop and guy fieri says, this is delicious, throw out the recipe [ laughter ] side thing why does everyone arguing for White Supremacy look terrible . Look at these guys. Looks like someone left the master race in a toaster oven. [ laughter ] they all look like the guy at an aa meeting who complains about how they used to have better coffee. [ light laughter ] final thing we dont need to restore our civilization, we need to restore our civility. Oh, is that what happened . Was it just a typo . Ill give you the benefit of the doubt. This has been a couple things. [ cheers and applause ] i think we can all agree that nowadays, for single people, its sometimes hard to find that special someone. But if youre a trump supporter, there may be hope. People are supposedly finding love or each other on trumpsingles. Com. This is a real thing. A new website where people who love donald trump are finding other people who agree with them. And apparently its become so popular that other similar competing services are springing up. Heres a commercial i saw just last night for a new dating app called trump mingle. Take a look. Are you ready to tear down that wall around your heart . Then trump mingle is the dating app for you. I tried other dating apps. They were sad, pathetic. But the people on trump mingle are tremendous. Just fantastic and tremendous. One of the great things about trump mingle is it only allows you to list your dislikes. Meryl streep is so overrated. Terrible in the iron lady. And have you seen the today show ratings . Its unwatchable. And who even reads the New York Times anymore . Uh, no one. Thats why its failing yeah, its failing. I just started kissing her. I couldnt even wait. When youre a trump mingle user, they let you do it. [ laughter ] other apps, they dont vet. But trump mingle has extreme vetting. Study the world, people. Its got a lot of bad dudes in it. Bad hombres, losers, haters. But not here. Look, there are other apps. Look, okay, heres the thing im smart. I went to an ivy league school. You know . And this is the best dating app. Everyone says so. You see these other okay, listen. We all know what its like. You know, dating is gonna be so good. I mean, it hasnt been good. I mean, look at our roads and bridges. Its a disaster. Dating is a disaster. You cant even get a reservation at a good restaurant anymore. And putin . Not a bad guy. Believe me. You know, ive never met him, but i really like him, but i dont know him, and ive never called him. But great guy. [ laughter ] you read my mind. We never win anymore. Finally, were winning and meeting our soul mates. And its all thanks to trump mingle. We were the only two black people. [ laughter ] i couldnt be happier about purchasing im sorry, meeting my wife on trump mingle. [ audience ohs ] [ speaking russian ] trump mingle also offers a 30 discount on russian Mail Order Brides for first time users. So what are you waiting for . Hurry and sign up now. A 90day waiting period has been instituted on all muslim loveseekers. But only until we figure out what the hell is going on. Please note we shall never sell your information to third parties. We just hand it over to internet trolls. Make america date again and if you like trump mingle, youll love bernie connect. I like soup me too but i dont like it when its too hot i love you i love you [ cheers and applause ] seth well be right back with Ewan Mcgregor, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] degree has redefined deodorant with motionsense technology. So that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. And the more i move, the more it works. Giving me superior protection. On, and off, the court. Degree. It wont let you down. With delicious new options like the juicy mozzarella burger and savory Caprese Chicken. Getting two generous entrees and an app has never tasted so good. The 2for23 deal. Only at applebees. where the party at by jagged edge limearita. Make it a margarita moment. Before you set out, you plan to capture every moment. Limearita. But what you really cant plan for is when the moment captures you. Marriott now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts. Get 25 off nike for the whole family. Thats 25 off select nike shoes, tops, shorts, tanks, and more. Plus, everyone gets 10 kohls cash for every 50 spent. 25 off nike right now at kohls. Corolla with Toyota Safety sense standard toyota lets go places [cheers and applause] seth welcome back. Please give it up for the 8g band, right over there, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight on drums, hes the drummer for a legendary heavy metal group who have sold more than 90 million albums worldwide. And all set to perform in brooklyn at the Barclays Center on july 21 and 22 where theyll wrap up their globespanning book of souls world tour. From iron maiden, nicko mcbrain, everybody dude thanks for having me, mate seth very welcome. Our first guest is a talented actor, you can see in the live action remake of disneys beauty and the beast starting this friday. He also reprised his breakout role of mark renton in t2 transpotting. Which opens in select theaters this friday. Lets take a look. Stop go, go, go [ bleep ]. Seth please welcome to the show, Ewan Mcgregor [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Im good, you . Seth im so happy youre here. Thank you very much, thats nice. Seth im so happy and relieved because we had this storm today. Yeah. Seth and there was an issue with all our guests. Are they gonna show up . Are people going to be able to make it in . You made it in. Yeah. Seth and i really appreciate that. Its more of a sort of rainy day in glasgow, isnt it really . Seth yeah, its not we kind of its safe to say we overreacted. A little bit, yeah. The storm. Seth and now youre actually shooting fargo in calgary, right now. Yeah. Seth and calgary is a Severe Weather place. Yeah that i mean this is a walk in the park. Seth yeah. Compared to what its like in calgary everyday. I mean, i guess people are used to it there, and theyve got winter tires on their car and whatever. But yes seth were were pathetic. I think its well, i guess if you just dont have this weather all the time, fair enough. Seth well, but heres the thing, you actually were doing press earlier today. Yeah. Seth and the way a press junket works is you get set up in a hotel room. Yep. Seth and reporters just sort of basically yeah, usually theres probably about, i dont know, 50, 100 reporters coming in and out. Seth and heres a photo. This is a photo you took today of your press junket. Heres the hallway outside your press room. [ laughter ] thats you cant even see you down there. Thats me there. Seth thats you next to the transpotting poster. And heres the rest of the hallway. [ laughter ] seth so you is that true . Nobody showed. Well, nobody really showed, no. We did all the interviews by phone. Seth okay, gotcha. Yeah, we got there. Seth yeah. But none of the journalists did, no. Seth well, at least you had your coffee. Yeah. Seth your croissant, you had it all. I was in my pajamas. Seth perfect, so it worked out all right. It was perfect. Seth congratulations on this movie. Thank you. Seth i loved it. Well, good. Seth i loved the first one. Yeah. Seth and you must was there a bit of anxiety about returning to this film 20 years later . I think there was leading up over the years, there was always the idea that it would be a terrible shame to, sort of, hurt the original transpottings reputation by making a poorer sequel. And so, you know, we never received the script until about two years ago even though irvine welsh wrote the novel, called porno some ten years after his first novel. And, but it just took them that long to sort of find the right tone. And for john hodge, our script writer, to write this beautiful script. Seth i felt a great amount of nostalgia, because i was, we were talking backstage. I was the age of those characters when this movie came out. Yeah. Seth when i first saw it. I mean the feelings of nostalgia, i had, i can only imagine were so small compared to what it was like going back to those same sets for you. Yeah, there was a moment every day, some there was like a 20 years have passed moment every day on set. And yeah, we shot in some of the same locations. Probably the most profound one was when we went up to the highlands. In the first film i do theres a bit where renton talks about being scottish and that its [ bleep ] to be scottish. And were ruled by the english and theres little i was sitting on a bridge when i did that speech, and we went back to that very, very same place, you know, and did this beautiful scene with ewen bremner and Jonny Lee Miller but that hasnt changed not at all, because its the highlands. Seth right. Theres nothing to change. Seth yeah. They didnt get a starbucks while you were gone . [ laughter ] no, but we were just looking up at it and there we were 20 years older, you know. Seth well the 20 years is interesting. Because it does feel like the right amount of time, because this is a sequel that is about not just what happened to the characters but what happened to the characters over this course of time. Yeah, theres a very strong feeling in the film, and its sort of quite particular, i think, to male aging. Seth yeah. And how badly we go about it. Seth yeah. A natural fact, women are so much better about the psychology of getting older. Theyre just more sensible about it. And i think as men we sort of try and hold onto this idea that were still young and sexy and cool, like way, way past the point when we are. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] young, sexy and cool, you know. So its very much about that and how they struggle with it. And theyre not for my character, he comes back to scotland for the first time in 20 years. After, you know, weve seen him walk away with all the money after trainspotting over the bridge. And he goes off to live in amsterdam and hes never been back. So he comes back, because hes got to look backwards in order to move forwards in a way. And i think thats what im starting to feel that, in my life. Like, looking back, going okay, this is what ive done, and, now what . Now whats next . You know, so seth i was that part about how it really does point out how men love to reminisce. Yeah. Seth and theres a wonderful actress who i wasnt familiar with, whos great in the film. Yeah. Seth her character points out that women look to the future. Right. Seth they and i was so happy i wasnt watching it with my wife, because the amount of elbow i would have gotten, for, now, see thats a crystallization of what ive been telling you. No, thats right, thats right. Seth and and were looking back to the 90s of course, as well. Which for me, and in being in like when trainspotting came out in britain, it was in this incredible moment for music with oasis and blur and pulp. And music was changing, you know, how club music and raves, and all that sort of stuff. New stuff was starting to happen. And our movie, very much, was sort of the movie version of all that. Britcool at the time. Seth yeah. And so for me, watching it, i get very nostalgic for that time of my life as indeed my character is looking back on his. Theres a bit more heroin involved in his past than mine. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] but only a little bit. Seth and thats all right, maybe thats your future. You dont know. I mean, maybe thats where you guys diverge. You never know, yeah. Seth youve got to find a hobby as you get older. And its heroin, you dont know. Yeah, yoga or smack. Maybe yoga and smack. Seth yeah, you can do a little. That could be good. Seth yeah, that might be the only way id do yoga. So flexible. Seth and they actually there are both flashbacks to the previous film. Yeah. Seth and there are also times where they have cast actors who look the way you all did 20 years ago. It was a nightmare. Seth yeah. That was the worst 20 years have passed, moment. Because i arrived on set maybe a week after they started shooting, and everybody kept telling me, that theres these five guys who are you guys back then. And dannys cast people who look like you, but everyone kept saying the guy that looks like you, really looks like you. Like, hes really like you. And so i didnt i hadnt noticed them. Id just met them and i was walking back to my trailer one afternoon and i pass this group of guys and i just stopped in my tracks. And turned back running, because there we were. Seth yeah. Like they were wearing they were wearing our original costumes, like the real costumes. And there was renton, the 22yearold renton. Seth yeah. I found it difficult to even talk to the guy. Seth yeah. I was like it was too shocking, you know. Seth well also theres that thing of you arent you think you look the same way you did 20 years ago until you run into yourself 20 years ago. And youre like, oh, no, i am older. I am older. [ laughter ] seth yeah. And of course in the movie, i mean theres very, very little of the original movie. Theres tiny moments here and there through t2 trainspotting of trainspotting about only like it adds up to about a minute. But there are moments where you see me from the original film, bang, and then you see me now. Seth yeah. And thats quite it is quite shocking. And danny, lit it and he said, you know, were going to really play into your age. Were going to light every wrinkle in your face. Like, theres going to be nowhere to hide. And then, indeed he was right. Thats what he did. [ laughter ] seth you, edinburgh, the town you shot it in. Obviously, they have a great love affair with this film. Yes. Seth this is something was this in edinburgh, that you took this, photo . Yeah. Seth yeah. So this is who is your favorite trainspotting character . Either renton, you, or begbie, Robert Carlyle . And thats just people putting out there cigarettes to vote . Its a very scottish way to decide something, yeah. Seth yeah. Thats how the Scottish Referendum was voted upon. Seth yeah, its very i will say, this is an impossible election to hack. You have to smoke the cigarette. Thats right. Thats right. No, i never found out who won. Seth well this is very close. Were neck and neck. Seth youre neck and neck, and i have to say, because begbie is a horrible person. That must break your heart. But hes much loved up in scotland. Seth oh, yeah i guess thats true. Because Everybody Knows a begbie. Seth i forgot about that. Yeah. Seth well, hes got the hometown support right there. Yeah, i think so. Seth because your renton left scotland. Yeah. Seth so why theyre not going to vote for him. Ive betrayed my mates. And i dont know, im still living that down. Seth very excited about fargo. Oh, yeah. Seth which is a show that ive just loved. And you are playing this is fantastic, youre playing nonidentical twins . Yes, im playing two brothers in it who are not twins. Seth okay. And just for a laugh, really i suppose. Seth but you so the reason you, we are seeing you sort of shorn here is yeah. Seth because of the wig work youre doing on the show. Yes. Seth so this is one brother youre playing. This one. Seth yeah thats emmit stussy. Seth okay, and heres, this ones more interesting. I want to get to know this guy. [ laughter ] and thats ray. And everyone loves ray. Seth ray is the begbie of these two, i will say. [ laughter ] yes, absolutely. But theyre brilliantly different. And its been quite a challenge, its quite a challenge. I thought it would be a stretch. But i didnt quite, you know, first of all, youve got that fargo accent, which i find seth yeah. Very, very difficult to even hear if im doing it right, because ifs such an odd accent. Seth right. And coming at it as a scotsman and not an american, i think is doubly hard. Because, its just a lot of it sounds very irish. Seth uh huh. So you suddenly find yourself doing a lot of sort irish accents. And youre like, no, no, thats wrong. So thats hard, and then playing the two different brothers. And trying to i mean i get a lot of help with makeup and hair, as you can see seth yeah. But to try and make them sound different and then for their sort internal beat to be different was a wonderful challenge. Im really enjoying it. Seth im assuming that you didnt just shoot all of one and then all the other, youre going back and forth, on different days, yeah . Yeah, yeah. Seth yeah. Some days i play often i play both in the same day, yeah. And there are some scenes where they are in the scene together obviously. Seth yeah. And other days where i play ray in the morning and emmit in the afternoon. But its a wonderful, wonderful cast. And its a really brilliant crew up there. And because theyve made the first two seasons, mainly the whole crew have been on season one and two. Theyre really tight and it feels really special. And noah hawleys writing and seth yeah. Theres something really wonderful about it. Its my first sort of foray into american television, and im really im loving it. Seth well you picked a great show to start with. Yeah. Seth its all downhill from here. [ laughter ] thank you so much for being here. Oh, man its my pleasure. Seth Ewan Mcgregor everybody t2 trainspotting is in select theaters this friday. Well be right back with zoe kravitz. [ cheers and applause ] red line, 20 minute delay. Oh, no. rhythmic clatter cant get a signal . So annoying, right . Yeah, and im late for a job interview. Hey, man, can you just nix it, just for like two seconds . Thank you. You need verizon. They have the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. Its made to work in places like this. 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Raise your expectations and ask your gastroenterologist if humira may be right for you. With humira, control is possible. [ cheers and applause ] seth our next guest is a talented actress and musician. You know her from films such as divergent and mad max fury road. She stars in the Hbo Limited Series big little lies, which airs sunday nights on hbo. Lets take a look. Madeline told me about the dinner you and nathan are proposing, which i think is potentially a good idea. But . Well, nathan and madeline. Thats a pretty volatile cocktail. What about you, ed . What . What . Youve been a little aggressive as of late. Yeah well, try to be supportive of madeline. Shes kind of abandoned by your dad. Who made time for her brothers and she felt abandoned by nathan. And abigails like a triple whammy. Shes in a pretty fragile state. You know we all have baggage ed. What do you mean . Nothing. Seth please welcome to the show, zoe kravitz, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hello. Seth how are you . Im well. I just tripped on my way in, which was all i was seth is that a fear . Do you have a tripping fear . In heels, yes. I have a tripping fear. Doesnt everyone . Like, who wants to trip . Seth i dont want to trip, yeah. And i wouldnt even have the heel excuse. [ laughter ] it would just be dumb feet. So congratulations, the shows fantastic, big little lies, incredible cast. You play Reese Witherspoons exhusbands new wife. This is an incredible cast. Have you enjoyed it . Did you enjoy being around a cast like of that caliber . So, yeah, so much. I think i was a little nervous at first, just being around nicole and reese and laura, and all these women who i have kind of grown up watching and admiring. And nicole and reese are also producers, so i just wanted to do good, you know . And they were great. Seth thats fantastic. You play a Yoga Instructor in the film as well. Piloxing. Seth piloxing. Piloxing. Which is i guess a kind of seth pilates and boxing . Yeah. Seth oh wow. Yeah. Seth look how fast i got it. I know. Youre good looking and smart. [ laughter ] good looking and smart. Seth its being a pilot while you eat lox. [ laughter ] i thought that was really funny. Seth thank you. [ laughter ] its always nice when you can get one person in a room of 300. [ laughter ] so, but i heard this was actually part of the challenge of this show, is having to be like some sort of exercise instructor because yeah, i mean i guess i should have kind of prepared beforehand and really hind of worked my body into a point where i could do it. I did not do that at all. We kind of um they taught me the routine the day of the day we were shooting. Seth oh, so you did you were not one of those actors who trained they kind of didnt. Seth you did not research piloxing . I knew what it was, but jeanmarc, the director, hes very into just things being natural. And he was like, well, well just do it on the day. And i was like, okay, that sounds okay. And then they had an instructor. So on the day we were shooting, i did like an hour beforehand, and then i taught the class over and over again. And for continuity, we only did one side, so it was always the same. So the next day, like one side of my body, i think someone was at my door and i was like going down the stairs. And i was like woke up in the morning thinking it was a normal day, and i was like, oh, my god. And then i like tried to go to the bathroom. And it was like, you know, it was terrible. Seth and then people saw you and said, zoe, half of you looks great. The other half [ laughter ] seth has half of you been working out . My left half looks great, yeah. Seth but this is like, you have, this is obviously just exercise, but you have been hurt on set before, right . Youve done action films, youve done, xmen yes, ive been hurt on set before. When we were shooting, divergent, this isnt it wasnt on set or anything. I was in shailenes trailer, and her door like slammed shut from the wind, and i was wearing sunglasses, and it like slammed me in the face. Seth so you got hurt on an action movie, but not from i know, its not interesting. I had eight stitches though, eight stitches. Seth oh, wow, zoe got hurt on divergent. what happened, she get kicked . No, wind. Just regular tripping and wind, just like accidentprone. Seth you know what happened, she was so worried about tripping, she forgot about the wind. [ laughter ] so your mother is lisa bonet. Yes. Seth your dad is Lenny Kravitz. Yes. Thank you. [ laughter ] seth when did you know you wanted to be an actress . An actress . Kind of always. My grandma was also an actress, she was on the jeffersons. Roxy roker. And i would perform at her house all the time. I was obnoxious, like listen to me sing somewhere over the rainbow for the 12th time today, and, you know, grandparents are sweet and they did. Seth but everyone must have been encouraging i might imagine. Yeah, they were. I dont know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Seth my parents were encouraging, so its nice to have. Yeah, its true. And we put on shows, like me and my cousins, like full thoughtout, like grease songs, followed by like medleys. You know, tlc. Seth but i guess, because theyre just your parents when i was a kid i would feel nervous if i had to do a show for your parents. Yes. Yeah. Seth did you have that at all . For my own parents, my dad is also Lenny Kravitz, its gonna be so awkward. [ laughter ] mom, i know youre my mom, but im a huge fan. [ laughter ] seth got it, so theyre just your parents. But then again so thats normal. Like you know, everyone treats their parents like theyre parents, no matter how famous they are. But i hear that your parents had a Piercing Party for you, and i would like to know what this is, because i will say that is where our parents diverge. [ laughter ] my parents are just my parents. But that doesnt make them normal. But yeah, when i was a kid, i wanted my ears pierced really badly, and i think my mom made me wait until i was maybe 12. And it was a big deal. So she hired her friend who lived in new orleans, who is a piercer, to come to my house and throw a Birthday Party and pierce like me and all my friends, but she was kind of like a hardcore chick. She had tattoos and a buzzed head. And i think all these parents of their like 12yearold children show up and shes like, im going to pierce your kids you know, like with a needle, not with a gun or anything. Seth i can just picture parents driving over saying like, it will be fine, its Lenny Kravitz party. Like no itll be totally normal. Its like your actual like what you think its gonna be. Seth yeah, youre totally right. Yeah. And it ended up being like a lot of the parents and a lot of my parents friends getting their nose pierced and their nipples pierced and like a group of terrified children kind of in the corner like [ laughter ] seth this is not what i wanted for my party. The ladys coming toward me with a needle. Seth do you think that was psychological, like were going to trick her into not wanting a piercing . Maybe, because i ended up not doing it. I went to claires like a week later though. And was like, i just want to be normal. Seth i want someone named claire yes. Exactly. Seth you were, you just finished shooting rough night . We finished in september. Seth okay, so this is Scarlett Johannson and Kate Mckinnon . Kate mckinnon, ilana glazer, and jillian bell. Seth fantastic those are all and paul downs. Seth incredibly funny people. And this is a Bachelorette Party gone wrong. Yes. Seth and you are now at the age where your friends are getting married . Its just kinda starting. I dont think ive been to a Bachelorette Party. I just threw my best friend a baby shower. Seth how did that go . I was so stressed out. I would never do it again. Im sorry, shelly, i love you but no, it was great, it was great. Seth you brought a piercer . Everyone gets pierced. Seth whats the pressure of doing a baby shower . Its just, you know, you only have your first kid once, and it felt like a big responsibility. And i didnt want to mess it up. So, you know, i just wanted my house to be clean and food to be good and, i dont know. I dont know i just wanted it to be nice. Seth do you think it went well . I think it went well. Seth how many people did you have . I feel like it was like 30 people. Seth thats a lot. Which is a lot in new york, you know. The doorbell starts ringing, i was like its happening seth and you said to your pregnant friend, you do not know how stressful it is to host a baby shower. Well i think i was very calm and now shes gonna watch this and be like, oh, thought you enjoyed throwing me a baby shower. I did, i just, you know, not again. Just kidding, just kidding. I would totally do it again. Seth there you go. Thank you so much for being here, its always such a pleasure to see you. Thanks for having me. Seth zoe kravitz, everybody. Big little lies airs sunday nights on hbo. Seth well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] whats that . Drop and give me 50. Whats in it for me . Sir excuse me well, thanks to hotels. Com ive gotten used to being rewarded. Thats right. What did you just say private . Hes a captain, sir a captain . Where . On tv. Following orders isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Who are you talking to . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. Ima wade, ima wave through the waters tell the tide, dont move Freedom Freedom i cant move freedom, cut me loose Freedom Freedom where are you . Cause i need freedom too Freedom Freedom Freedom Freedom what you want from me . Is it truth you seek . Oh father can you hear meee. Ooow . You are the most fearsome warriors on the planet. Well, not you roman. You just missed the cut. [ hip hop music playing ] yeah, missed my ass. Why are you always yelling . Rated pg13. Experience it in imax. [ applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. You know, people often ask me how do we come up with our jokes for the monologue. And im always happy to tell them, because i am really proud of our process. You see, on other late night shows, the writers read the news and then they write jokes that correspond to those news stories. But the way we do it is, our writers come up with their punch lines first without reading the news. [ laughter ] then they write down those punch lines on little pieces of scrap paper and they throw them into something we call the joke bucket. [ laughter ] then, when something happens in the news, i read through these punch lines and i find the right one to go with that story. Weve showed our audience this process on the show a few times now, and good news, its time to write some new jokes. So ive got my news cards right here, and lets show you guys the process. Okay, heres a news story. A florida woman is suing a local Mexican Restaurant after she fell off of its plastic donkey and injured herself. Okay. Lets find a punch line to go with that story. Here we go. By that time, Chris Christie was so hungry he ate actual pigs in a blanket. Okay, its a punchline, but not quite right for this. [ laughter ] all right, here we go. Said the lady in the picasso painting, hey, my eyes are up here. And also over there. Again, very good but not for this. [ laughter ] lets check out another one. According to oscars officials, from now on Warren Beatty will be la la banned. [ laughter ] okay, seems a little old. All right, lets do another one again. The joke is, a florida woman is suing a local Mexican Restaurant after she fell off its plastic donkey and injured herself. She may never guac again there you go [ laughter and applause ] thats a joke. Of course whenever i complete a joke i staple the two parts together like this. Then i give it my stamp of approval like this. And then i ring the joke bell. And i put it in the what . The completed joke bucket. [ laughter ] there you go. Thats our system. Someone said to me the other day. Cant you do your job without the buckets . And i replied, cant you do your job without the buckets . And then they said, i work at kfc, so no. [ laughter ] okay [ laughter ] lets do another joke. A Technology Company has created the worlds highest capacity thumb drive, which will be able to hold 160 movies. Great setup. Lets find a punch line here. Here we go. Hey, if i wanted an erection that lasted the four hours id build an ikea cabinet. Again very good, but not quite right. [ laughter ] lets try another one. To pee or not to pee, that is the russian escorts question. Again, good punch line for a different news story. And by those groans, you remember the story. [ laughter ] here we go. A Technology Company has created the worlds highestcapacity thumb drive, which will be able to hold 160 movies. Or as kevin hart calls it, a slow year. There you go. Thats a joke. [ laughter ] so what do we do, guys . We staple it. We stamp it. And then we ring the joke bell. And then, just to make sure its good, i tie the joke to what . To a balloon, like so, and then i send hold on. [ laughter ] and then i send the joke up to god for him to approve it. [ laughter and applause ] what do you think . Good job, my son seth thank you. You didnt laugh. It wasnt that funny. Seth okay. [ laughter ] here we go. Lets do one more. According to new research, taking cold showers can be beneficial for weight loss. Here we go. The gentleman said, i buy all my fine fruits at mens pearhouse. That sucks. [ laughter ] said the conceited elephant, its time to talk about the me in the room. Okay, i dont know what that would work for. And oh. Look at this guys, we are out of jokes. But that is not a big deal because i always know where i can get a good joke at a low price. The used joke lot. [ cheers and applause ] welcome. Welcome to sams used joke lot. Here, let me turn off my guys. Seth oaky, great. Gary gary turn off the guys. We got a customer. Seth okay. All right, sir. Now what kind of joke can i get you today. Seth just a standard punch line, nothing special. Alright well i can tell youre a man who knows what hes looking for. Ive got a couple classic 1987 jokes over there. Seth 1987, lets see. Rubiks cube, no, not really. Ronald reagan, no. Stonewashed jeans. You know, im looking for something a little more modern, to be honest. Ho ho big spender. Seth why are you doing that if youre not wearing suspenders . I thought i wore different pants today. [ laughter ] all right, well i got some puns right here. And ill tell you what. Ill give you two for the price of pun. Seth no, thats awful. [ laughter ] uh you know what, this one, you know what i think this ones gonna go very well for me, yeah. Good eye. That is a classic. And its all yours for just 250,000. Seth how about i just give you this, you son of a bitch. [ laughter ] i got that ten times today. Seth okay. [ applause ] according to new research, taking cold showers can be beneficial for weight loss. In your penis. Thats a joke [ laughter ] so we staple it. We stamp it. We ring the joke bell. We blow the audience the kiss, and then they all collectively blow a kiss at me. And we check in one more time with god. Wrap it up, meyers. Seth okay, you got it. Finally, we put it in the completed joke bucket. Thats joke bucket. Well be right back with music from jon pardi, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [beeping] wow. Good to know we have that on our prius [beeping] and lane departure alert. See what i mean . With so many safety features like pedestrian detection and lane departure alert, toyota doesnt need us test dummies as much. Oh, i get it, man hey, i gotta get my thrills somehow. The 2017 prius with Toyota Safety sense standard. Toyota. Lets go places. Statake an extra 20 offls easter looks for you and your family. Thats an extra 20 off girls dresses an extra 20 off spring polos for him and an extra 20 off an embroidered dress for you. Plus, youll get kohls cash too. Kohls. Liz assumed all dressingsrust were made equal. Assume nothing. Just like the leading brands, these kraft dressings are made with high quality ingredients, at a price you can feel good about. No wonder kraft is so good. Oh no, looks like somebody needs a new network. When i got this unlimited plan they told me they were all the same. Theyre not. Verizon has the largest, mostreliable 4g lte network in america. Its basically made for places like this. Honey, what if it was just us out here . Right. So, i ordered you a car. Thank you. You dont want to be out here at night cause of the, uh, coyotes. Ok, thanks, bud. Bye. Be nice to have your car for some shelter. Bye. When it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. Just 45 per line for four lines. Woman so this happened. Zoe brought over some limearitas to avas rooftop and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. Thats elyse busting out her dance move from summer of 08. Looks like were staying here tonight. Limearita. Make it a margarita moment. Apwith tempting new options like the juicy mozzarella burger with hot and crispy fries and savory Caprese Chicken with creamy, garlic mashed potatoes. Get two generous entrees and an app for just 20 bucks. Only at applebees. Degree has redefined deodorant with motionsense technology. So that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. And the more i move, the more it works. Giving me superior protection. On, and off, the court. Degree. It wont let you down. Livestreat the airport. E sport, binge dvrd shows, while painting your toes. On demand laughs, during long bubble baths. Tv on every screen is awesome. The allnew Xfinity Stream app. All your tv at home. The most on demand, your entire dvr, top networks, and live sports on the go. Included with xfinity tv. Xfinity the future of awesome. [ cheers and applause ] seth my next guest just scored his second number one single off his number onedebuting album california sunrise, and today he was announced 2017s acm new male vocalist of the year. Performing dirt on my boots, please welcome jon pardi, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] been up since the crack of dawn just trying to get paid been hotter than a hundred suns i cant find no shade just two more rows and im good to go yeah, im shutting this tractor down gimme a half an hour for a shave and a shower and ill be outside your house might have a little dirt on my boots but im taking you uptown tonight might have a little mud on my wheels but theyre gonna shine with you up inside gonna hit the club gonna cut a rug burn it up like neon lights might have a little dirt on my boots but were gonna dance the dust right off them tonight yeah, girl got a little dirt on my boots hard as i worked all day im gonna work harder loving on you spin you all over that dance floor right out of them highheeled shoes and when youre ready to quit baby, we can slip right out of that barroom door and when i take you home dont worry babe im gonna kick them off on the porch might have a little dirt on my boots but im taking you uptown tonight might have a little mud on my wheels but theyre gonna shine with you up inside gonna hit the club gonna cut a rug burn it up like neon lights might have a little dirt on my boots but were gonna dance the dust right off them tonight yeah, girl got a little dirt on my boots a little dirty dancing blue collar romancing i can get cleaned up if you ask me but i can only get so fancy got a little dirt on my boots but im taking you uptown tonight might have a little mud on my wheels but theyre gonna shine with you up inside gonna hit the club gonna cut a rug burn it up like neon lights might have a little dirt on my boots but were gonna dance the dust right off them tonight yeah, girl got a little dirt on my boots got a little dirt on my boots got a little dirt on my boots [ cheers and applause ] seth jon pardi, folks the album california sunrise is out now. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to Ewan Mcgregor, zoe kravitz, jon pardi, everybody [ cheers and applause ] nicko mcbrain, and of course, the 8g band [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for carson daly. See you tomorrow [ cheers and applause ] carson hey folks you are looking at this beautiful room. This is the penthouse suite at the Time New York Hotel where we are tonight. Thanks for being here on carson daly. Thiss
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