This is what it did to a smart person. [ laughter ] by the time youre out of office, youre going to look like the toxic avenger. [ laughter ] President Trump said yesterday that being president has been a big burden on his family. Yes, but somehow we manage, said melania from her penthouse in new york. [ light laughter ] in an interview today, President Trump questioned why america fought the civil war, even worse, then he questioned whom america fought in the civil war. [ light laughter ] wait, i know this one. Was it china . [ laughter ] thats right. President trump questioned why america fought the civil war. You know, at this rate the only way trump is going to get a second term is if hes held back. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] all fs . I flunked everything . [ cheers and applause ] i got a bplus in phys ed. [ light laughter ] President Trump published an oped in the Washington Post on saturday to promote the accomplishments of his first 100 days in office. But in retrospect, he probably bought a little too much space. [ light laughter ] Southwest Airlines has announced it will no longer overbook its flights while united says it will now match up flight attendants and passengers by weight class to make for fairer fights. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] good progress. According to the reuters, President Trump has a button on his desk that he uses to order a coke. Of course, he thinks it orders a Nuclear Strike but once he gets the coke in his hand, he forgets what he was so worked up about. [ laughter and applause ] scientists have developed a new robotic drill that could conduct brain surgery in two and a half minutes, because thats what youre aiming for when you get brain surgery, the speed record. [ light laughter ] today was may day, although honestly ive been saying that every day since the inauguration. Mayday mayday [ cheers and applause ] and finally, an arizona man was recently arrested for smuggling 67 pounds of marijuana. For reference, heres what 67 pounds of marijuana looks like. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, weve got a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] you know her from nbcs superstore our friend, America Ferrera is back on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] always a delight to talk to her. Also, hes in a hilarious new movie with amy schumer and goldie hawn, snatched, Ike Barinholtz, my dear friend. [ cheers and applause ] Ike Barinholtz is joining us. So were going to have a really good time tonight. Before we get to all of that, the last few days of Donald Trumps presidency have been very revealing. He has, among other things, feuded with the press, admitted that being president is harder than he thought, praised authoritarian rulers, and made bizarre comments about the civil war. For more on this its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth as you may recall, trumps positions on most issues during the campaign werent all that clear. But there was one thing he was very clear about, and that was that being president would be easy. Were going to make America Great again. Its going to be easy. Its going to easy. Its so its going to be easy. Believe me, the jobs are coming back, folks. Thats going to be so easy. Youre going to have such Great Health Care at a tiny fraction of the cost, and its going to be so easy. They dont understand it. They said, but how do you get them to pay . I said, its so easy. And you understand. Just rely on me. Okay . So easy. Thats so easy. Seth people who are actually reliable dont have to say the words rely on me. [ light laughter ] if you ask your buddy to pick you up from the airport and he says rely me, get ready for dinner at cinnabon. [ light laughter ] of course the story of the first 100 days has been trumps child like naivete colliding with reality. In fact, trump asked, without shame, admitted the basic aspects of the job have turned out to be harder than he thought. Like health care or chinas relationship with north korea. Its an unbelievably complex subject. Nobody knew that health care could be so complicated. [ light laughter ] mr. Trump said, he told his chinese counterpart he believed beijing could easily take care of the north korea threat. Mr. Xi then explained the history of china and korea. Mr. Trump said, and im quoting the president here, after listening for ten minutes, i realized its not so easy. [ light laughter ] seth the president is literally being tutored by foreign leaders. [ light laughter ] and ater he taught me about the history of china and north korea, he helped me with my math homework, which was very [ light laughter ] and while hes at it, maybe president xi could give trump an American History lesson too, because today when trump was asked about his supposed model for the presidency, Andrew Jackson, he went on a bizarre tangent about the civil war and jackson, who died 16 years before the war started. I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little bit later, you wouldnt have had the civil war. He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the civil war. He said, theres no reason for this. People dont realize the civil war you think about it, why. People dont ask that question, why was there the civil war . Why could that one not have been worked out . [ light laughter ] seth yeah. [ laughter and applause ] people people dont ask that question. [ cheers and applause ] no one ever asked why was there the civil war. [ light laughter ] and who can forget those searing letters from soldiers on the battlefield . Dearest elizabeth, i write to you from the front lines with the civil war rages on for whatever reason. [ light laughter ] today i bayoneted my owner brother, for what purpose, he cried out and i, of course could only respond, i do not know. Nobody knows. [ light laughter ] general grant informed us today we will be marching on to gettysburg, why . Whats there i asked. [ light laughter ] he shrugged, confused. Who knows he said and cited the famous words of our current president , Andrew Jackson, theres no reason for this. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so trump clearly, clearly does not have a firm grasp on the basic aspects of being president , let alone basic facts about American History. And now hes essentially admitting that hes in over his head telling a reporter that he didnt expect the job of president to be this hard. I loved my previous life. I loved my previous life. I have so many things going. I actually, this is more work than in my previous life. I thought it would be easier. I thought it was more of a im a details oriented person, i think you would say that. But i do miss my old life. This i like to work, so thats not a problem, but this is actually more work. [ laughter ] seth you thought the presidency would be easier than being a Game Show Host . [ laughter ] theres a reason Abraham Lincoln is on the 5 instead of alex trebek. [ laughter and applause ] although i have to say, i have to say that this, this is the most absurd part of trumps answer. Im a detailedoriented person. I think you would say that. Seth no. [ laughter ] i would not say that. [ light laughter ] no one thinks details are your strong suit. [ light laughter ] and im not even talking about the Little Details im talking about things like why did the civil war happen or you know, which country did i just bomb . Weve Just Launched 59 vessels heading to iraq. Headed to syria . Yes, heading towards syria. [ laughter ] seth yes, yes, syria, but you know, iraq, spoiler alert. [ laughter and applause ] now now, you might think you might think the president is unqualified as trump would show some humility, instead, he spent the last few days as usual, attacking the media. Today, he abruptly ended an interview with cbss John Dickerson after once again, making his baseless claim that then president obama had him surveilled but refusing to provide any evidence. All dickerson did was try to get trump to explain what his own words meant, but trump was not having it. You saw what happened with surveillance and i think that was inappropriate. Whats that mean, sir . You can figure that out yourself. Well, i the reason i ask is you called him sick and bad . Look, you can figure it out yourself. But you stand by that claim about how i dont stand by anything i just you can take it the way you want. [ light laughter ] but im asking you. Because you dont want it to be fake news. I want to hear it from President Trump. You dont have to ask me. You dont have to ask me. Why not . Because i have my own opinions, you can have your own opinions. But i want to know your opinions, youre the president of the united states. Thats enough, thank you. [ light laughter ] thank you very much. Seth you know, dramatic exits are definitely less dramatic when you stay in the same room and just sit down. [ laughter ] you cant fire me, i quit. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] maybe trump is just frustrated by the fact that despite his many promises he has very little to show for his first 100 days. In fact, his only real accomplishment seems to be turning the oval office into something of a man cave. A reporter for the Financial Times relayed this anecdote from a recent interview with trump. Sitting across from donald trump in the oval office, my eyes are drawn to a Little Red Button on a box that sits on his desk this isnt a Nuclear Button, is it, i joke, pointing. No, no. Everyone thinks it is, trump says on cue. Before leaning over and pressing it to order some cokes. Everyone does get a little nervous when i press that button. [ light laughter ] no, no no, thats not the Nuclear Button. The Nuclear Button is right next to it. Its also small and red, but i remember which one it is because its on the right, and i have the right to use nuclear weapons. Of course, i also have the right to have a coke in the middle of the day because im the president and i dont have to worry about it the sugar because i have the best dentist. [ light laughter ] i mean, this guy, hes amazing and hes right about everything, which is why i keep a right button to the right of my coke button that calls my dentist. Do you want me to call him right now . [ explosions ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] so trump doesnt seem to have much knowledge of or interest in things like governing or American History. But theres one think trumps very interested in, and thats his own electoral victory. Because when trump called reporters into the oval office to discuss the accomplishments of his first 100 days, the only actual actual accomplishment he had to offer was the act of becoming president. And accomplishment he bragged about in the middle of a conversation about chinese president , xi jinping. We were talking as i mentioned earlier about president xi and that relationship, and then he sort of interrupted himself and handed out this map of the Electoral College and said that these were the latest figures of the areas in the country that he had won in 2016. And there were three of us in the interview as i said, and he had a copy for each of us. I think he just wanted to relish in the fact that this map looks good for him. And he said, you know, the red is obviously us. And the red are the areas in the country that he won. Seth and in fact i even colored in the map myself. [ laughter ] and if you noticed, i stayed within the lines which everyone says is the hardest part. [ light laughter ] and i did it all in under a hundred days. Now, as troubling as that that is, trump has also spent a lot of time lately praising authoritarian rulers with terrible human rights records. For example, he recently released a statement congratulating turkeys president for referendum that gave him expansive new powers and in interviews over the weekend trump praised north Koreas Kim Jongun multiple times, calling him a pretty smart cookie and saying, if it would be appropriate for me to meet with him, i would absolutely. I would be honored to do it. Youd be honored . Hes very misunderstood. Youd like him, we should call him. I think its this button. [ explosions ] [ applause ] and kim jongun wasnt the only wasnt the only authoritarian trump praised this week. And on saturday he spoke with president Rodrigo Duterte of the philippines. Dutertes been accused of running death squads and has bragged that he has personally murdered people. Like when he said, quote, i will pick you up in a helicopter to manila and i throw you out on the way. Ive done it before. Why would i not do it again . Its stories like that that earned duterte the nickname, united airlines. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] now, duterte has since claimed he was joking. Nonetheless despite his dismal human rights record, the white house issued a statement saying, trump and duterte had a very friendly conversation and the President Trump invited president duterte to the white house. So if youre a journalist covering the white house when duterte visits and hear donald trump say this lets give them a helicopter ride, okay . [ light laughter ] seth run [ laughter and applause ] so to recap a president whos in over his head is fighting with the media, remising about his Election Night victory, inviting authoritarian rulers to the white house and also, maybe doesnt know why the civil war happened. Donald, do you still stand by your claim that the presidency would be easy. I dont stand by anything. [ light laughter ] seth this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more late night, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ugh, no bars. Oh no, looks like somebody needs a new network. When i got this unlimited plan they told me they were all the same. Theyre not. Verizon has the largest, mostreliable 4g lte network in america. Its basically made for places like this. Honey, what if it was just us out here . Right. So, i ordered you a car. Thank you. You dont want to be out here at night cause of the, uh, coyotes. Ok, thanks, bud. Bye. Be nice to have your car for some shelter. Bye. 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So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please, give it up for the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] also sitting in with us this week, hes an innovative drummer from the brooklynbased band paris monster. Their latest single aint no movin me can be found on itunes and bandcamp. Com. Josh dion is here. Thank you so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] really thrilled to have you. So here at late night, every night, i deliver a monologue. That monologue is comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to me being a straight, white male would be difficult for me to deliver. But we dont think that should stop from you enjoying them. So wed like to share them with you now in a segment we call jokes seth cant tell. [ cheers and applause ] seth these are two of our writers. Amber, jenny. Im black. And im gay. And were both women. Seth and im not. So heres how this works, ill read the set ups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. Here it goes. A washington, d. C. , lesbian bar closed this month after 45 years in operation. A lesbian bar is like a regular bar but with a longer line for darts. [ laughter ] seth okay, okay. Cool, cool. The library of congress recently acquired a rare photo of Young Harriet tubman. It looks like exactly like a photo of old Harriet Tubman because black dont crack. [ laughter and applause ] seth Marvel Comics recently revealed a new lesbian super hero who will fight evil aliens. As opposed to a regular lesbian who will fight anybody. [ laughter ] seth jenny, i cant imagine you in a fight. You dont seem scary at all. [ laughter ] seth the cw network is currently developing a show about an africanamerican super hero. He shows up late to every crime and then gets arrested for it. [ laughter and applause ] seth two gay penguins at a zoo in china have begun stealing eggs from other penguins in an attempt to become fathers. While two lesbian penguins are writing a folk song about it. [ laughter ] seth a California Elementary School was placed on lockdown recently after a black bear was spotted wandering around the parking lot. Meanwhile, white bears Walking Around all over the place. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] seth according to a recent article, 2 of americans are vegan. While 100 of lesbians are vajitraian. Seth jenny [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] im sorry. I should have said dicktose intolerant. [ laughter and app