And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey how are ya cheers and applause thanks, everybody hello there welcome to the late show everybody. Thank you, mark cheers and applause thanks so much good to see you, my friend welcome to the late show. I am Stephen Colbert. Everyone have a nice weekend . cheers and applause stephen i did, too. Before we get started, i want to give a shout out to my good friend larry wilmore. He performed at the white house Correspondents Dinner this weekend. cheers and applause stephen yeah i agree. I agree. He stunned that room. People in washington arent used to seeing two black men speaking at the same event. laughter there was one controversial moment at the end where larry said the nword. And it was shocking, but it did lay the groundwork for President Trump to say it next year. laughter cheers and applause stephen its out there now. You can imagine it. You can imagine it. Jon yeah. Stephen now, personally, i thought larry gave a great speech that didnt let the president or the press off the hook. And im confident that larry will receive the ultimate recognition for his work never being invited back. laughter you can watch with me next year, larry cheers and applause its a lovely party. Once, its a lovely party. I did not go down for the dinner this year, as i said before. I dont like to go anywhere actually. Because, a, new york is fantastic and, b, air travel is a drag, and no one drags it more than the t. S. A. The only organization in the country with a no shoes, yes service policy. laughter and the United States spends, i think ive got this right, 7 billion a year on the agency and that amount raises a few eyebrows. So recently, the t. S. A. Proposed a novel new costcutting measure they plan to screen passengers from smaller airports only after they reached their destination. laughter thats smart. Thats very efficient. Thats like putting on a condom at the baby shower. laughter oh, this is so oh, this is so so this i didnt know it came in such beautiful colors laughter hey ive got a question. A bit of a technology question. Any Technology People here tonight . cheers and applause who uses bitcoin . You know what bitcoin is . Anybody . applause oh good, its good to know there are people in my audience who are arms dealers and murderers for hire. Excellent. Bitcoin, for those of you who dont know, is an Electronic Online currency that was created in 2009 for sort of the shadow dark economy of the internet by someone under the pseudonym satoshi nakamoto. Obviously, a fake name because, if you unscramble the letters of satoshi nakamoto, you get Tom Hanks Asia too. laughter i asked mr. Hanks, and he denied it. Well, today in australia, or yesterday for people, an australian entrepreneur named craig wright outed himself as the creator of this shadow currency. Some folks are skeptical that an aussie created this new technology. Me too. Because the last thing australia invented was that dumb stick that comes back to you. Just get out of here go away cheers and applause applause and, of course, the bloomin onion. laughter but, to me, the most their greatest contribution to society. But to me, the most personal story from over the weekend was that ringling brothers has held its final performance with elephants. cheers and applause yeah. I agree. The idea of using elephants as performers had become controversial over recent years. These are intelligent, endangered animals, and many activists believe they should be holding each others tails and wearing tiaras in the wild. laughter now, as god intended, these eleven pachyderms from ringling are going to be let go, but theyre not going back to the jungle. Theyre going someplace far more dangerous theyre going to florida. laughter maybe those elephants can get a job at sea world. Because theyre still willing to do weird stuff to giant mammals the elephants already have the snorkels, and i would love to see an elephant fight shamu or a captive breeding program. Thats fun to think of the kids watching that. laughter but i say mommy, whats happening with shamu . laughter but, i say, elephants arent the only things that need to be rescued from the circus. What about the performers . Look at their abuse. Theyre lit on fire, shoved into glass balls and dangled from the ceiling, tossed into cages with tigers. And look at these cramped work conditions. laughter i mean, for petes sake cheers and applause it gets you right there factory hogs have more room than these clowns but they are delicious. Speaking of delicious. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause stephen hey cheers and applause that was beautiful. You see . Jon feels good out here. Stephen you do feel good out there . Jon i feel so good. Stephen i feel fantastic. Did you do anything fun this weekend . Jon yeah, i went to new orleans. We played at the jazz festival. cheers and applause stephen mmm, that is like superman going back to his home planet. Or Something Like that. Jon oh man, it was nice. Stephen you must be incredibly strong when youre there, like really in your element. Jon yes indeed, it does wonders for the ego. I had some red beans and rice. We had some jambalaya, crawfish etouffee, and then we went and played three shows in two days. Stephen wow, and thats how you burn off the etouffee . Jon yeah. Stephen there has to be a reason why you fit in those skinny jeans. Jon well stephen thats not packed with etouffee, as far as i can tell. Jon no, no, its something ive got a fast metabolism. Stephen maybe so. But you know where im glad im not right now . Jon where is that . Stephen indiana. Because i love indiana. I dated a girl from indiana, but indiana is chaos right now. The indiana primary is tomorrow. How many people right now are in indiana . A show of hands. Thats good. That would be weird. Indiana is an incredibly, hotly anticipated race. Its like the indy 500, except this flaming car crash is just a metaphor. This is road to the white house. Do i look like a president . How handsome am i, right . How handsome stephen i want to talk about donald trump. Well, want is a strong word. laughter im just practicing for when hes elected, and its the law. Last week, trump delivered a major Foreign Policy speech about his favorite foreign country america. My Foreign Policy will always put the interests of the American People and American Security above all else. Has to be first. Has to be. America first will be the major and overriding theme of my administration. Stephen yes, trump is so dedicated to putting America First that he will be president of america comma the United States of. And cheers and applause and trump a little hit to keep you going. And trump unveiled his Foolproof Plan for keeping america safe from our enemies. And then theres isis. I have a simple message for them. Their days are numbered. I wont tell them where and i wont tell them how. We must, as a nation, be more unpredictable. We are totally predictable. We have to be unpredictable. And we have to be unpredictable starting now. cheers and applause stephen booo laughter did it work . cheers and applause did it work . Jon yeah stephen did it work . Is isis defeated yet . laughter no . Well, that was predictable. Yes, donald trump wants america to be unpredictable. Its all laid out in his four point Foreign Policy plan Lethal Weapon 1 through 4. laughter you see, trump is riggs. Hes a loose cannon, with nothing to lose, a fantastic head of hair, and one black supporter. laughter and as cheers and applause and as president , trumps going to convince the rest of the world that you shouldnt mess with america because were crazy. And there will be ample evidence of our insanity when we elect donald trump president. cheers and applause this Lethal Weapon this Lethal Weapon metaphor is perfect because while im not sure whos three days from retirement, but one thing i can say for sure this is the fifth president ial election ive covered, and im getting too old for this bleep . laughter applause i cant say that on cbs, right . Can i . Im sure it will be fine. Right now, in this race for indiana, trump is setting the pace for the field while ted cruz is sucking fumes which may explain why hes making that face. With one day to go, the republican secondrunner is trailing trump by 15 points, even though less than a week ago cruz was up 16 points. Wow. Its almost as if spending time there campaigning hurt him. Well, you know what they say about ted cruz to know him is to wish you didnt. laughter indiana voters cheers and applause it seems that indiana voters clearly agree with former speaker of the house and former beef turned jerky, john boehner. laughter who last week called cruz a miserable son of a bitch. laughter applause by the way, i checked with cbs lawyers and apparently im allowed to say miserable son of a bitch if im talking about ted cruz. cheers and applause still, the former republican speaker calling a president ial candidate a son of a bitch is as big of an insult as i can imagine. Because i do not have the same imagination as john boehner, because at the same event boehner also called cruz lucifer in the flesh and boehner knows lucifer, because they clearly go to the same tanning salon. cheers and applause and ha ha, we all laughed but come on. If ted cruz really were the devil, i think thered be signs. The earth would open up and swallow people when they said his name. The next president of the United States, ted cruz cheers and applause stephen oh my god oh my god where did she go . She vanished instantly its almost as if theres some sort of demonic power about saying the phrase the next president of the United States, ted cruz. Oh applause cheering okay, where was i . Okay. Lets see. Right. Ted cruz cant seem to catch a break in indiana. Even at cruz rallies. Something truly bizarre happened last night. Every once in a while ted cruz gets a heckler, but this time the heckler was somewhere between 10 and 12 years old. Listen to this. And when we do that kid yelling apparently, theres a young man whos having some problems. You suck applause stephen yes, a child shouted you suck at ted cruz. laughter now, we dont know the hecklers name, but we do have a picture of the child. There you go. laughter i just want to point out that this huge font saying you suck is not ours. Thats how fox news captioned this moment. laughter meanwhile, u. S. Artillery shelling and drone attacks is buried in the crawl, but ted cruz sucks is up here in 190 point man walks on the moon font. Man walks on the moon and sucks. But ted cruz showed that hes the type of strong leader willing to stand up to a small child. Children should actually speak with respect. You know, in my household when a child behaves that way, they get a spanking. audience reacts stephen and you know things arent looking good for the Cruz Campaign when theyre trying out the new slogan ted cruz 16 he hits kids. applause either way, he has called indiana his firewall, and hes going to have to pull off a miracle tomorrow if he ever hopes to hear the phrase, the next president of the United States, ted cruz. Ahh well be right back with bill oreilly only one network gives you more than just great coverage. Its tmobile only tmobiles lets you stream video and music for free and we doubled our lte coverage in the last year. The other guys cant say that we got you covered. Give extra. Get extra. What knee pain . . What sore elbow . Advil liquigels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Available at national retailers. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is the bestselling author of killing reagan and the host of the number one Cable News Program for four centuries running, the Oreilly Factor. Please welcome the great mr. Bill oreilly. cheers and applause stephen nice to see you. Come on up. Oh, papa bear, always good to see you. How are you . Im the same. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen never change . Never, no, boring as always. Stephen slow and steady wins the race. Im surprised you want me on. Im so boring. Stephen what are you talking about . Youre a guy whos willing to say what youre thinking laughter some days. Stephen lets talk about indiana first. The last time you were on here, i think i said what the hell is going on with this race . In this case, we know whats going on. Cruz has said indiana is his firewall. Do you think the polls are right . Do you think that the inferno of trump just burns that mother out tomorrow and its over . It looks like it. I called the race three weeks ago for trump. You cant stop him. What the media does the tv media is they try to get the horse race so you will watch, but it was over three weeks ago after new york. And same thing with Hillary Clinton. You know, feel the bern all you want, but the bern is going to be in the refrigerator and clinton is going to be the nominee. Thats the way its going to be. So its hillary versus trump. Indiana, if trump did not win tomorrow, that would give cruz a little bit of a thing to hang on to. But its still going to be trump. Stephen but you know trump, right . I do. Stephen you have known him for years. I understand youve shared vanilla milkshakes with him, is what youve said. You try to entice him to come back to the fox debate by saying you would buy him a milkshake. I bought him a couple of milks shakes because he never has money. Stephen those rich guys never carry a wallet he has 10 billion, hes got no money. So we go to Yankee Stadium and hey, a couple of milk shakes here i got it, don. I got it. Stephen melania is holding my wallet now. Okay, so if you know the guy does it comfort you since you know the guy personally and you have know him for years, does it comfort you to think that this is going to be one of the two Major Party Candidates . Do you think that he is because thats a reasonable shot at being president. Im not arrogant enough to say this person or that person isnt qualified. The people in the Republican Party want donald trump, for one reason, they want to blow the whole establishment up. Thats why hes gotten where he has. Stephen why do so many people in the Republican Party people who run the Republican Party not want him . Well they dont want their party blown up, colbert they like it the way it is if youre going to blow it up, they dont like that stephen but its been around a long time, they put a lot of effort into it, bill. Yeah. Republicans are angry because they perceive progressive americans your crew, all right . Stephen let me write this down. I am the problem just want to make sure we know who the problem is. I am, okay . So traditional conservative americans believe that your crew, colberts crew, is winning the culture war. Its winning the Political Correctness war. Its winning and the culture is changing and they dont like it. cheers and applause stephen however conservative someone might be, i dont believe there is anything wrong with conservatism per se, but its always a losing battle because the culture always changes. You dont speak middle english. Number one, you could never had said that on a comedy channel or you would have been fired if you said you dont think there is anything wrong with conservatism. Stephen thats true. But its more than that. They dont like the what the country is becoming. Stephen specifically like what . Let me give you a good example. 32year old kate stienle, do you know this story . Stephen it was a very sad, tragic story. In the square with her father walking and shes killed and shot in the back of the head and shes dead. Who killed her . An illegal alien, aggravated felon with six felony convictions in the United States who had been deported five times and who came back six times, all right . The girl is dead. I say we need kates law, which means that if an aggravated felon defies deportation, that person gets mandatory five years, first offense, ten second offense just for being in the country. You pick him up, he goes to federal prison. Kates law. Simple, right . Cant get it passed. Why . Because the Republican Leadership wouldnt get behind it. Stephen why not . Because trump is running successfully on an antiillegal immigrant platform. Its all b. S. And the folks know it . Stephen trumps b. S. . The antiillegal alien stuff is b. S. Because you shouldnt be anti illegal aliens, that doesnt solve any problems. Stephen you should be anti criminal. Right. Exactly. So stephen you and i are agreeing all the over the place. No, were not. Youre actually listening and thats a good thing. So harry reid, the senator the democratic senator, kills this in the senate. But mitch mcconnell, the republican leader, does nothing and then in the house, they do nothing. Why . Because they want to attach it to a sanctuary city bill they knew president obama would veto. So Everybody Knows stephen why would they do that . Thats right why would they do that all right . Im pounding the table put it as a stand alone. Stephen its a brandnew table right. President obama would sign kates law, i believe. He wouldnt veto it. But you cant attach it to 15 other things. Stephen okay, but just listen to me. Stephen oh, boy. I have been listening. Youre absorbing. Youre learning and now you have to live it. Stephen i have to live this . You have to learn and live stephen oh. So the republicans this. They see their own party not doing the right thing. They expect harry reid to do it, hes corrupt. But they dont expect their leadership to not do anything, thats why theyre furious. Stephen