Because youre the only 10 i see. Actually, st. Louis oh, i love this song. Dance with me. What . Come on. laughter nice dance. I gotta go. Sure, we had a great time, didnt we . Oh, just one more thing. Bend over. Im going to stick my hand up your butt. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes kevin kline Jerrod Carmichael. And general Michael Hayden. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey wooo hey, chris cheers and applause . Jon hey yeah stephen welcome hey, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Well, its finally here. After six years of trying, last night the republicans finally unveiled their healthcare plan. Then, out of force of habit, they voted to repeal it. laughter now, there are some things there are some things theyre keeping from obamacare kids staying on their parents healthcare until theyre 26. cheers and applause Insurance Companies cant discriminate because of preexisting conditions. cheers and applause grandma will still be murdered by death panels while nancy pelosi cackles from her skybox. Audience booo stephen no cheer for that . Okay. Oh, theres one other thing theyre keeping from obamacare nobody likes it. Conservatives are calling it obamacare lite. Great taste, less coverage, laughter applause while meanwhile see, thats the conservatives. Conservatives dont care for it. Meanwhile democrats are unhappy because experts estimate this will cover 20 million fewer americans than obamacare. Audience boooo stephen pretty rough. 20 million fewer than obama. That sounds like trumps inauguration. cheers and applause im honored. Speaking of which this is true because of a freedom of information request, the Parks Service were forced to release all of the photos they took at trumps inauguration, before we were only seeing part of the photo. We werent seeing everything from the capitol to the washington monument. The photos came out today. And its worse than trump feared. Jim, can we put it up next to obamas . Heres obama, and heres trump. That that really looks like the beforeand after photos in an ad for orkin. The point is, 20 million is a lot of people without Health Insurance. I dont know anybody who would be happy about that. Oh, yeah, all right, all right, go on, thats enough. Go on. I will see you i will see you in 70 years laughter hes a good guy. Youd like him. Where was i . Oh, yeah, were all going to die. laughter one of the other differences is that trumpcare replaces federal insurance subsidies with tax credits. So everythings going to be fine, but youre going to have your colonoscopy at h r block laughter now, i can imagine what a lot of you out there you guys out there, im sure, and everybody out there is worrying. Youre saying to yourself how is this going to affect super wealthy Insurance Company executives . Well, good news, the plan includes a tax break for Insurance Company executives making over 500,000 a year. audience booing so all of them . laughter speaking of taxes, the bill also repeals the 10 tax on indoor tanning. Oh, good. Donald trump can finally go the full tandoori. laughter applause oh, his meat. So juicy. Jon a little tandoori chicken. Stephen his meat is going to fall right off the bone. Yogurt sauce, fantastic. And then theres the weird fact that in a 66page document, thats what they released, a 66page plan seven of those pages are about denying medicaid to lottery winners. Over 10 of it is just about denying medicaid to lottery winners, which is shocking. If anything, trump should empathize with people who were handed a bunch of money they didnt earn. cheers and applause he was born he was born with a lotto ticket in his hand. Jon that was nice. Stephen now, for fiscal conservatives, the most important thing is what will this all cost . Well, the numbers in, and its approximately 3. 4, we have no bleep ideas, because the republicans released this bill without estimates of its cost from the congressional budget office. So the bill will be like those fancy restaurants where they dont have what it costs on the menu. Hmm, whats the heart surgery . Market price. Ill just stuff my chest cavity with bread. Thank you. Republicans defended the plan. Heres oregon congressman greg walden were like the ambulance crew that showed up at the scene of the wreck. Were here to clean up the mess and heal the patients. Stephen thats not quite it. Its more like an ambulance crew that hates the previous ambulance crew so much that they rip the patients out of that ambulance and put them in their own ambulance, which they are still building. laughter applause cheers now, the burden of these changes falls mostly on the working poor, who got some advice from utah congressman and captain of the bad team from the mighty ducks jason chaffetz. And you know what . Americans have choices, and theyve got to make a choice. And so maybe rather than getting that new iphone that they just love and want to go spend hundreds of dollars on that, maybe they should invest in their own health care. Stephen yeah, the average cost of Health Insurance for a family is 25,000 so, poor folks, just stop buying 33 iphones every year. laughter its that simple. applause iphone fans. Big iphone fans. And today, sean spicer answered questions about trumpcare at the Daily White House showandtell. These over 974 pages that were passed, and then we were told we had to read them. Our plan, in far fewer pages, 123, much smaller, much bigger. Look at the size. This is the democrats. This is us. There is i mean, you cant get any clearer in terms of this is government. This is not. Stephen yes. When it comes to writing anything down, shorter is always better. Thats why moby dick is much, much worse than the instruction book that comes with your rice cooker. laughter look, if shorter is better, why not just a oneage plan that just says, walk it off. cheers and applause walk it off stephen, of course, the other big story today is that trumps b. F. F. S over at wikileaks took a wikidump on the c. I. A. They released 8,000 pages of documents detailing the agencys cyberspying powers, proving the c. I. A. Is capable of anything, except keeping a secret. laughter and you know who i want to talk to about this . General Michael Hayden who will be on here later in the show. He was in the c. I. A. And n. S. A. Hell have a thing or two to say about this and the whole thing, the trump thing, too. There are some crazy revelation in addition this wikileaks dump. The c. I. A. Apparently has a program code named weeping angel, which uses Samsung Smart televisions as covert listening devices. Even when they appear to be turned off, the tv could be recording conversations in the room and sending them to a c. I. A. Server. Oh, my god. This is true i have all samsung tvs in my house. And that means the cia has hundreds of hours of me looking for the remote. Where is it . What is where is it . Where is it who took it . Who took it who took it to the kitchen i also watch nude, so theyre getting a great shot here. Who took jon the moon. Stephen that joke is based on a true story. And dont think just because you victim antivirus or Protection Software you are safe. Because one of the wikileaked documents describes a flaw in Security Software made by the company comodo as a gaping hole of doom. laughter which i believe is also what the republicans are calling their obamacare replacement. Chopper cheaper speaking jon thats a great call. Stephen meanwhile, the white house reopened for tours today for the First Time Since the inauguration, and one tour group was surprised with an appearance by donald trump hiya whos your favorite clown . Hey, yay he learned that this move this move right there, ya he learned that move he learned that move from the dressing rooms of the miss u. S. A. Pageant. Whos naked cheers and applause that joke is also based on a true story. laughter sad to say. And roll this again, jimmy. Look at whose painting hes standing in front of hillary clinton. Wow. cheers and applause that is awkward. Apparently, president ial portraits are commissioned based on the popular vote. cheers and applause jon hes coming out swinging stephen now, while he was there, the president singled out one young member of the tour for a pat on the back, hopefully, inspiring that young man to believe that one day he, too, could grow up to do anything for attention. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Kevin kline is here. applause Liberty Mutual stood with me when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. I just snapped a photo and got an estimate in 24 hours. My Insurance Company definitely doesnt have that. You can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance so tasty. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® we cant stay here why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger. And you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. band playing cheers and applause stephen give it up for jon batiste and stay human. Im going to do it right now. Im going to do it right now. Whats going on . You know what, im going to stay here . I can just stay here . Thanks, everybody. I like it right here. Im going to do this next act right here. Okay, here we go. Hey, guys, do you remember hud secretary ben carson, dr. Ben carson, that guy . Ben carson gave his first address to the housing and urban development yesterday. It could have gone better, especially when he talked about immigrants. Thats what america is about a land of dreams and opportunity. There were other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships, worked even longer, even harder, for less. Stephen yes, you heard him right. Ben carson thinks slaves were immigrants, and the jews in egypt were pyramid interns. I think. Ive got to read the bible. Ive got to read the bible. Lucrative pyramid interns. I think its unfair that everyones dwelling on this one gaffe of carsons, because the rest of carsons speech was a gaffehole of doom. First, carson drew upon his experience as a brain surgeon to elighten the crowd on the complexities of the mind. Every human being, regardless of their ethnicities or their background, they have a brain, the human brain. laughter stephen ben carson just blew my mind. laughter applause my human mind. cheers applause then carson explained the ethical challenges of being a brain surgeon. And, you know, with a kid, you can operate for 10, 12, 18, 20 hours, and if youre successful, your reward may be 50, 60, 70, 80 years of life. Whereas, with an old geezer, you spent all that time operating, and they die in five years, or something else. So i like to get a big return on my investment. Stephen well, that finally explains carsons campaign slogan, let the geezers die. laughter applause and we know whos going to be heading up the new death panels. But carsons journey into the mouth of madness continued. I could take the oldest person here, make a little hole right here on the side of the head, and put some depth electrodes into their hippocampus and stimulate. And they would be able to recite back to you, verbatim, a book they read 60 years ago. Stephen in conclusion, my department adjudicates housing discrimination. You could drill a hole in my head and put, like, a power cable in there, and i could not tell you what the bleep he is talking about. laughter stick around. Well be right back with kevin kline. applause my belly pain and constipation . I could build a small city with all the overthecounter products ive used. Enough ive tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. Ive climbed a Mount Everest of fiber. Probiotics . Enough avo if youve had enough, tell your doctor what youve tried and how long youve been at it. Linzess works differently from laxatives. 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Ack. 10 best blah blah blah 2015. Only about 90 more to go thats a lot of awards now through march 13, get 20 below msrp on all 2017 spark, impala and sonic models. Thats over 8,000 on this chevy impala. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Thewhen i make it,ato. There is a lot of love. There is a layer of vanilla, and then your layer of milk, and then your espresso shots at the top, and the very, very tip top layer is the caramel. Its heaven. ,,, look at all that dinner for 4 and before you say but dennys, those 2 strips of bacon, 2 eggs and 2 fluffy pancakes are clearly breakfast. We say at 4 dollars does it really matter . Dennys 4 all day, everyday value slam. Part of the 2468 value menu. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight has won an oscar and mulitple tonys. Hes now starring in disneys beauty on the beast and on broadway in present laughter. Please welcome, kevin kline cheers and applause stephen i didnt know you were a dairy farmer, because ive never seen an audience milked that hard. That was beautiful. You know what you have . You have a rare thing, you have comedic dignity. Dignity . Stephen theres dignity associated with kevin kline. Dignity . Stephen what did you think i say dignity . I find dignity rather amusician, usually. When its not earned. Stephen it might be it might be the little mustache. Just coming in for the show im doing on broadway. Stephen thats not fully in yet . Oh, no. laughter i just started it a couple of days ago. Stephen now, its that would take me six months. That would take me six months to do. Thats yi asked. I dont produce testosterone anymore. No. Stephen oh, no, no. But you can get it. Stephen i gave it up for lent. Youre back on broadway. How long since youve been on broadway . They tell me 10 years but i think its only nine. Stephen what is the last thing you did. Senioro deberks rgerak. Stephen now youre in present laughter, a noel coward play. I know noel cowards musicals but i dont know his plays. What is it about . Its about an actor, an actor who has been spoiled quite rotten by his tremendous success and celebrity, and its about celebrity culture, and hes howppedded by fans and playwrights who want him to do their plays. Hes going through a very difficult sort of identity crisis about do i hate all this adoration or i do crave it . And the answer is yes. laughter stephen can you relate . You can relate . No, its quite a stretch for me. laughter no, i think every actor has i dont well, ever actor that i know no, im speaking on behalf of all actors everywhere in the world stephen do, speak for all actors. Okay, ill say this stephen theyre needy. laughter . There are certain things that come with the territory, with the job insecurities, oversecurities, overpraise leads to well, in many walks of life. When you become iconic or really famous or really celebrated it can go to ones head. Stephen right. And one can stephen run for president. cheers and applause your character is going through a midlife crisis . Have you experienced a midlife crisis . Or are you still looking forward to that . laughter . I think im about to have one. laughter i may have i may have sort of anticipated it by marrying a beautiful, intelligent woman who is several years my junior. And so stephen phoebe caits. The talented phoebe caits. Exactly. By several how many is several . Whos counting . Probably 14, 15. Stephen 16. All right, 16, fine. All right, 16. Stephen nice work if you can get it. Now, you have you have you have children together. Your daughter is a hipster musician in a band called frankie cosmos. Not a hipster. Stephen my researcher says hipster musician. She wouldnt like that . How would you describe her music, not hipster . Posthipster . Stephen posthipster . I didnt realize that was something idea yt. She sings beautifully. She writes beautiful songs. Stephen there was a the New York Times review of the show said there was a man there who look aid lot like mr. Klein in the back of the room filming and was seemingly miffed at some ram bunkous loud talkers at the bar. So you were the dad going,shut up shes playing its not a school recital. Its a bar. cheers and applause . But you know its not carnegie hall, i know. But shes singing. Shut up you know stephen youre a musician yourself, right . I was. Stephen you was . I was. You you laughter is. I still is. Stephen another good. Is that your fallback position . Its always ive always thought of it as that. When i fall back i can always be a really mediocre pianist. Notwithstanding that, yeah, these guys were talking, as they do. But there was a performer performing. So i i just kind of glared at them, and they couldnt have been lesimpressed. laughter like people talk on cell phones, you know, on an airplane or something. That happened to me once, some guy just right across the aisle from me, this close, practically. Stephen on the phone. You may use your cell phones now. Hey, listen, let me finish where we left off. We have to sell that thing expwts hes yelling. And im looking at him like. laughter and occasionally he would be talking and our eyes would meet. And im like. Do you really think were all interested in this conversation . Were not. Stephen he didnt look for a second he didnt say, im being shamed into silence by kevin kline. I tried like hell to shame him. And he said,by the way, im a huge fan. I love all your work. And i couldnt be gracious. I couldnt say, oh, arent you sweet. I was like, im sorry to hear that because yo