Bafnlt thosego gonzagaens are bd home rays. Duke is looking good with grayson allen. I will be donating one box of expired trump steaks to the homeless every time you trip a player on the court. Thank you for your service. And, of course, the big winner of the month will be judge neil gorsuch hes a tremendous choice. You dont even deserve him. All right. Play basketball. horn oh, crap. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen wme kate upton. And Yvette Nicole brown. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the city, its Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs stephen whats up . cheers and applause wooo hey jon hey, hey, hey cheers and applause stephen welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is an exciting day exciting day for president trump, because he went on a field trip to the museum of African American history. He was so worried steve bannon wouldnt sign his permission slip. laughter he got to go. He got to go. You been down there . Jon yeah, ive been down there. Stephen havent been yet. I heard its incredible, tremendous. Now, trump was originally supposed to visit the museum on Martin Luther king day, but that had to be postponed because of scheduling issues. Its understandable. As dr. King himself so famously said laughter applause stirring. Stirring. I believe obama called that the fierce urgency of now. Or later. Now, at the end of the tour, trump honored the greatest figures in African American history, like sojourner truth, booker t. Washington and ben carson. laughter i love this guy. Hes a great guy, really a great guy. And he can tell you better than me, but ill tell you what, we really started something with ben. Stephen yes, trump really started something by hiring ben carson. It is the greatest achievement for African Americans since. About four weeks ago when we had a black president. cheers and applause but since then but since then since then. Pretty good since then. And make no mistake as secretary of housing and urban development, ben carson has his work cut out for him. Hud has a meaning far beyond housing. If properly done, its a meaning thats as big as anything there is. And ben will be able to find that true meaning and the true meaning of hud, as its secretary. Stephen yes. I believe ben carson will find the true meaning of hud. laughter just like in the beloved childrens story how the grinch stole housing. laughter cheers and applause so good. With cindy lou who . Jon oh, yeah. Stephen along with carson, trump recognized other African Americans serving in government. He honored them the only way he knows how. I also want to thank senator tim scott for joining us today, a friend of mine, a great, great senator from south carolina. I like the state of south carolina. I like all those states where i won by double, double, double digits, you know, those states. Stephen yes, he loves those states where he won by double, double, double digits. But he seems to hate the country where he lost by millions, millions, millions of votes. cheers and applause hes still president hes still president. Doesnt mean hes not president. Hes still president. Hes just a loser president. laughter now, the department of Homeland Security today told us how theyre going to enforce the president s executive orders on immigration, and it cannot come soon enough, folks, because just last week, hunters in texas were wounded in a gunfight near the border when, they say, immigrants illegally crossed in from mexico, converging on their camp in the middle of the night, and tried to rob them. Both men are recovering, but its an unbelievable story. In that you should not believe it because it was all a lie. laughter turns out they shot each other. laughter applause yeah, wow. Yeah, they shot each other. They shot each other. The truth hurts. Not as much as those bullets, but still. Apparently, one of the guys, named walker dougherty, was out Walking Around and then, as he returned to camp, he thought that illegals were in the r. V. Waiting to kidnap his friends. But instead of announcing himself, he tried opening the door, and thats when his fellow hunter inside the r. V. , edwin roberts, fired off a round. Its like the old joke knock, knock blam, blam, blam laughter applause thats how it goes . cheers and applause knock, knock. Blam, blam, blam. Why did the chicken cross the road . To get away from the gunfight. laughter now, from the beginning, the sheriff said that there was no evidence Illegal Immigrants were involved, but that did not stop Texas Agriculture commissioner and cartoon of a Texas Agriculture commissioner, sid miller. He spread the story to his 400,000 facebook followers saying that America Needs to build the wall because laughter man, the immigration problem has gotten so bad, even he cant speak english. laughter applause now, speaking of speaking of immigration, last thursday was something called, a day without immigrants. Which i cheers and applause you guys know about it . You know about this . I didnt know. I didnt really know about this. I thought thats what trump called it when melania stays in new york. laughter but it turns out he misses her, because he misses her. But it turns out, a day without immigrants is when a lot of immigrants all over the country didnt go to work to protest trumps border policies. But now it turns out a lot of those employees who participated in the protest got fired. For instance, in oklahoma, the owner of the i dont care bar and grill fired 12 line cooks, and said laughter okay. Fair enough. But if thats the case, they should really change the name to the selectively anal bar and grill. laughter by the way, please, i beg you, do not google selectively anal bar and grill. But do try the jalapeno poppers. Now, we are what are we, a month . Its a month . Last friday was a month. We are a month into trumps presidency. And for those of you audience booing for those of you pace yourself. Its only one month, people. laughter youve got to pace yourself. For those of you keeping score at home, donald trump has gone golfing six times. Six times in 30 days. That does explain the Bumper Sticker on air force one laughter cheers and applause now, we know golf. Golf. Golf claps. Golf claps. Now, we know the president has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that trump played golf each time he went to the course. Sure, he could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of peoples handicaps laughter applause that deserves a golf clap. Oooh. But i know why theyre dodging. When trump was on the campaign trail, he said this im going to be working for you. Im not going to have time to go play golf. Stephen well, then thats good news if trump has time to be out on the golf course, i guess that means america is great again. Also theres news from a different world leader you didnt vote for, out there pope francis. Yesterday the pope gave a speech to students and addressed a vexing theological issue, texting at dinner. Okay, teens . I hope youre happy. You and your texting is why we have wars. Now, go clean your room before you start a pestilence. laughter just wait until your holy father comes home. cheers and applause just wait. This isnt new. This is an ancient problem. Even jesus did it at the last supper. And francis isnt done with you young people because the pope also chided todays youths for their lack of manners, saying that instead of a friendly good morning, they opt for an anonymous ciao, ciao. not only are you teens being rude, you also sound super pretentious. laughter ciao ciao, il papa. laughter ciao, ciao. I have to go zoom, zoom on my scooter for another teeny tiny espresso. Beep, beep ciao, ciao. Ciao, ciao. Ciao, ciao. cheers and applause ciao, ciao. I dont get francis was supposed to be the cool pope, but now it seems like hes turning into curmudgeon the first. Wait a minute, that gives me an idea for a new premium cable tv show old pope. And i believe we have a clip. Dramatic scene at st. Peters today as the faithful gathered to hear the new old popes message of hope. Hey, you kids, get off of my lawn. Im keeping this frisbee. cheers and applause stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Joe scarborough is here, and kate upton will join us later as well. Stick around, everybody. Alright, hows this for a tv show. Sous chef. Lawyer by day, prepcook by night. Also, his name is sous. No. Sloppy joseph. A middleaged man whos trying to get his life together, but he cant hes to sloppy. Huhhh no here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Everythings on sale a Home Shopping show takes place on a sailboat. Thats the one banana boat dessert on me. Look at you being all lactose tolerant. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express. With 9 lobster dishes. Est is back its more than cash back. Try succulent new lobster mix match or see how sweet a lobster lovers dream can be. Theres something for everyone and everyones invited. So come in soon. But so we dont have tormin wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Various shouting heigh ho its off to work we go woman on the gulf coast, new exxonmobil projects are expected to create over 45,000 jobs. And each job created by the Energy Industry supports two others in the community. Altogether, the industry supports over 9 million jobs nationwide. These are jobs that natural gas is helping make happen, all while reducing americas emissions. Energy lives here. All while reducing americas emissions. Im not the type to smushy garbages. You know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human. cheers and applause jon hey yeah wooo stephen folks, thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is the host of msnbcs morning joe. Please welcome, joe scarborough. applause stephen so, as you know, im an ardent viewer of your show. Right. Stephen i watch the coffee joe morning. Every day. Big fan from way back. Stephen we call you coffee joe morning over here. Yeah. Stephen okay, and coffee joe morning and the brew crew, we call you guys over there. Hows mika . Shes doing great. Stephen yeah . Well stephen are you the cohost are you guys cohosting or are you the host and shes your cohost . Its actually morning mika. I commandeered it. Let me tell you something shes in charge. Stephen she is . Shes always been in charge stephen i understand shes the one who banned Kellyanne Conway from coming on your show. She has, she has. cheers and applause stephen thats strong. Thats a strong move. So, so what youre saying is wait a second. So, i recognize most of these people here from the Republican Convention this summer. Stephen yes. All in cleveland. Theyre all from cleveland. Theres one guy with a nascar shirt in the back. I think that may be the only republican in here. But yeah stephen mika makes those calls . If i want to be on the show can i be on the show . You have to ask mika. Stephen thats what i want to ask. Do i have to stay on mikas good side . Yes, you do. I mean, actually, it got to a point where kellyanne would keep coming out and everything she said was disproven, like, five minutes later. It wasnt disproven by a fact checker, it was somebody else in the administration that would come out and say, well, actually, no, thats not true. Stephen theres a quicker way to say that in an entire sentence. Which is . Stephen she just lied. Well, yes, exactly. cheers and applause stephen do you think heres a question for you. You might know this because you know the inside scoop on the white house, right . Like, the president calls you every morning and says, what should i think, joe . Right . Because he calls you i know he watches your show. We know he watches your show every day. We think he does, based on his twitter feed, yes. Stephen yeah, thats the only way we know anything about donald trump. laughs exactly. Stephen we know hes fine right now because of his twitter feed. Well, its been kind of silent. But, yeah, he has watched the show for years. Stephen yeah. Kind of goes in waves. Stephen yeah. Even when he claims hes not watching the show and hes sending out nasty tweets about us, well always look at the camera and say, donald, we know youre not watching the show, but how you doing . Stephen you dont say, donald, right . You say, mr. President , right . laughter you know. Stephen even i say, mr. President. Were in a transition. I mean stephen what do you mean . Youre in a transition from being buddies we as a country are in a transition. Stephen oh, i thought you were in a transition. Im trying to figure out. Hes been donald trump forever. Hes been donald forever, you know . So its kind of hard to start calling him mr. President. And ill be really honest with you. Stephen yes . The way hes acted over the past month has made it even harder to call him mr. President. cheers and applause stephen you im sorry. No, listen im a republican. Stephen uhhuh. And im a conservative. But like you, and im not being sort of shmaltzy here, but im an american. Stephen sure. And i didnt vote for bill clinton. The guy drove me absolutely crazy. But when he put his hand up and he saluted or gave his oath, i was cheering for him. I think we as americans should not cheer against our president , like Rush Limbaugh said he was doing with barack obama. I actually think we should pray for our president. But that requires all of us as americans to do what we can, when a president is not doing what he needs to be doing, to stand up and do our part too. And right now, i think its the responsibility of all americans, especially republicans and let me say this especially republicans in the senate that, when you have a president of the United States cheers and applause when you have a president of the United States that questions judicial review and questions the legitimacy of a federal judge, to stand up and say, this is not right, and were going to call it out. When you have a president that actually questions free speech, the first amendment, and news organizations that are doing their job, i think its incumbent upon my party, especially, to stand up right now and speak out. Because, i always say this, of everybody that gets into the white house you think youre at the center of the world now . You dont own this place. You are renting this place out. The American People are letting you have this. The Republican Party needs to know that there is going to be a time after donald trump, and they are going to be judged for the next 50 years on how they responded to the challenges of today. cheers and applause come on, what are you doing . Stephen you were absolutely going for that. You were totally going for that. Listen, i wish hey, over here. Over here hey can you get me balls . Im going to juggle now. Ive got them going. Go ahead. Stephen i wish i shared your optimism that there will be a time after donald trump. laughter but right now im a little worried. Do you think who do you think is calling the shots over there . I have heard that, like, steve bannon is driving the bus. Obviously, the president is on the bus, but bannon is inviting people on and off the bus. Stephen miller is on the bus. And then Reince Priebus doesnt necessarily want to get on the bus because he believes in, believes in government, and then maybe mike pence has to clean up the bus when it hits a pedestrian or something i dont understand this bus thing. Stephen you dont . Are you on the bus or off the bus, joe . I i you just confused me. I can tell you this knowing donald trump they always say, who is the last person in the room that influences donald trump . Donald trump is always the last person in the room. Donald trump is the person that makes the choices. I think right now we have a tale of two administrations. You look at the Foreign Policy advisers that hes put out there, theyre pretty solid. Stephen mcmaster seems like one of the best decisions that trump has made. Great decision. The secretary of defense, mattis. A lot of people think he got him just because his nickname was mad dog. Somebody said that he thought he was getting patton, but in the end, he ended up getting a real statesman and somebody like general marshall. But you look at the Foreign Policy team, he has strong people, actually, will give him great advice. We can relax about that. My bigger problem is the inside circle. There is nobody in this administration that can go in and tell this president no. Thats bad. Its happened with past administrations, but since he has no government experience, he needs that, and we need that as a country. Somebody thats got the guts to go in and stand up and say, this is wrong, this wont work. Instead you have people like Stephen Miller or as mika calls him, the little dictator, going on sunday morning shows think about that for a second. Stephen we have no idea how large his dictator is. laughter i think that may have been mikas suggestion, that we dont. He goes on tv and says the president of the United States cant be questioned. Stephen will not be questioned. Will not be questioned. Im sorry, thats a little frightening. Stephen yeah. Actually, thats very frightening. Thats scary as hell. Stephen i understand that, if you compliment donald trump, he likes you pretty instantly. And that if you Say Som