You know that also would include your golf courses. I would not be happy. Stephen whats next, sir . What are you planning to do in the next hundred day ms. I just dont want people to know what my thinking is. Stephen are you thinking . No. Stephen i ask because you seem to change your mind a lot. I just want to nail down your policy. Where do you stand on nafta. Im not going to touch it scz mayed care. Im not going to touch it. Stephen an unsuspecting womens behind . I will touch that. Stephen so to sum up your first 14u7b days in president. Its hurting the country. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight we welcome chris pratt, Neil Degrasse tyson and musical guest ryan adams, featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its hes Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen whooo applause cheers and applause . Stephen welcome to the late showment im your host, Stephen Colbert it it is day applause . Stephen it is day 100 102 of the trump presidency, 1,358 days to go. But whos counting . laughter laughter applause . Stephen now trump has repeatedly said that this hundred day thing is totally arbitrary, okay. Total leer unimportant. And to prove how unimportant it is, he took out a tv ad, he cut a cake on air force one, and he held a rally in pennsylvania. The theme of that rally, promises made, promises kept. Which is better than the original slogan, promises made, never mind, never said it, fake news, watch foxan friends. So, nice, got a rhythm. applause he also proved just how unimportant this was with a bunch of interviews over the weekend. First on friday he talked with reuters about his new job. Well, i love my i loved my previous life, i loved my previous life. Hi so many things going. I actually, this is more work than my previous life. I thought it would be easier. Stephen huh. How about that . Jon he thought it it would be easier. Stephen it it turns out being leader of the free world is harder than licensing your name to luxury meat. Delicious. Buts that hes not all. He trumped on. I thought it it was more im a details oriented person, i think you would say that. But i do miss my old life. Stephen we all do, sir. We all miss it. cheers and applause . Stephen i get why he misses it, i get it man. Because in his old life he could spend his days golfing, insulting people on twitter and hanging out with his family. Also, now. But thats not the only reason hes bummed. Its also because, i cant drive any more. And you know he drove all the time. He was a great driver. Just look how comfortable he is behind the bheel. laughter wheel. Thats packly how i drive. Hands at 7 and 5, mouth open, screaming. Aahhh red lighted thanks, obama. Jon open road. Stephen of course he addressed the proudest achievement of his presidency, existing. Because in the middle of discussing chinese American Relations with the reuters reporters stopped to hand out copies of what he said were the latest figures of the 2016 electoral map saying pretty good, right, the red is obviously us. The blue, obviously democrats, except when its water, hard to tell. Aqua man, personal friend, great guy. Probably. Probably. applause there is even a picture. I colored these myself. These are all these are all placemats. I had them i had them can you put that photo back up. This is my impression of a trex, little hands, like this, like applause like this. Stephen everything is in here. Im proud to say that the official defining hundred days interview took place right here on cbs with the nation face himself John Dickerson yesterday. And he started off with north korea. Mr. President , you and the administration said to north korea, dont test a missile. They have tested a missile. Is the pressure not working . Well, i didnt say dont test a missile. He is going to have to do what he has to do. Stephen so you are official policy is, you do you. What can i say, hitler gonna hitler. Kim jong gonnau n. Then our friend John Dickerson asked trump what he thought of kim jong un. I can tell it you this, a the lo of people dont like when i say it it he was a young man of 26 or 27 when he took over from his father. A lot of people, im sure, tried to take that power away. Whether it it was his uncle or anybody else. And he was able to do it. So obviously hes a pretty smart cookie. Stephen so, trump thinks no, no, trump things kim jong unis a smart cookie to which all of north korea replied, cookie . Hes a monster. The point is he is a monster. Fat little monster. Now dickerson gamely tried to get trump to commit to releasing his tax return finally but it it was the same old song and dance about under audit. So i would like to rephrase the question. Mr. President , can you talk about your tax returns as a metaphor for your penis. I have a very big tax return. Youve seen the picture, my tax return is probably higher than that, from the floor. When you look at other peoples tax return, even other wealthy people, their tax return is this thing. My tax return is this high. Stephen we get it. You have a huge tax return. But you know what would be nice, a full release. Plawtion applause . Stephen there st. Sorry so i heard. I wouldnt know. Im flat erred but im not into that scene. Later in the same interview trump gave dickerson a tour of the oval office. This is the resolute desk t say great desk with a phenomenal history. This was fdr, it was ronald reagan, it was kennedy. There are some great president s behind this desk. Stephen he yes, and if you put your ear to it like a sea shell, you can hear all of them rolling in their grave. And President Trump applause and President Trump explained that visitors are awed by the power of the oval office. In one case i wont say who, somebody you know very well, the head of a major, major company. The person came into the oval office and started to cry. This is a tough person, by the way. Came into the oval office and started to cry. Stephen mr. President , if i came to the oval office and saw you sitting behind the desk, i would cry too. cheers and applause . Stephen now there was a nice moment when John Dickerson talked about some previous president s thoughts with trump, other men who have stood in that room and their thoughts about the responsibility of the presidenciment but im not quite clear sure that donald trump understood the messagement george w. Bush said the reason the oval office is round is there are no corners you can behind in. In is truth to that. There are certainly no corners. Jon wait, wait, i dont know. I dont know if thats what he meant. Stephen okay, okay, lets be positive. At least he knows his shapes. He knows oval, okay. He knows the pentagon. And rhombus, because its Reince Priebus middle name, reince rhombus priebus. And ot subject of previous president s, dickerson asked trump if he still stands by claims that president Obama Wiretapped him. Do you stand by that claim. I dont stand by anything. Stephen its true. He doesnt stand by anything, except the dressing room door at miss u. S. A. Pageant. applause . Stephen who needs some lotion. But based on a true story, that joke. But dickerson asked his question anyway. But im asking you. Because you dont want. You dont have to ask me. Why not . Because i have my own opinions am you can have your own opinions. But i want to know your opinions, you are the president of the united staitle. Thats enough, thank you, thank you very much. Stephen cant talk any more, no, cant talk any more. Important important presidency work here. Got to president all over these papers here. Lets see, lets see, what this, yes, still paper, still blank paper, nothing on there, lets see, let me read this president ial briefing. Yeah, i got the briefing right here. I got the briefing, yes, its true, we got to do something. cheers and applause . Stephen yes, oh, oh, yeah, sorry, john, cant talk, got to got to do something, got to got to do something about the nation of charministan, sorry about that. We must wipe them off the map, uhhuh. Is dickerson still over there, i dont want to look. Is he still brrring, brr,ing, sorry, hello, hello, yes, a very secure phone, yes, this is donald trump. John, i got to take this call, its the president of asia calling. Hello. Really important, swron, i cant hear you, ive got a banana in my ear. Obviously im joking. Something was on that paper. All right. Do we have a reverse shot, jim . Yeah, there you go. But i got to say, walking out in the middle of a sentence wasnt even the president s biggest insult to John Dickerson. And i think actually ive been very consistent. You know, it is very funny when the fake media goes out, which we call the mainstream media, which sometimes i must say is you. You mean me personally. Well, your show, i love your show. I call it deface the nation. Stephen really. Donald trump John Dickerson is a fairminded journalist. And one the most competent people who will ever walk into your office and you treat him like that . Now, John Dickerson has way too much dignity to trade insults with the president of the United States to his face. But i, sir, am no John Dickerson. applause and when you, okay, all right, let me introduce you, let me introduce you to something we call the tiffany way. When you insult one meive the cbs family, you insult us all, ba zynga, all right. Here we go, all right. Jon get the gloves off. Stephen mr. Trump, your presidency, i love your presidency. I call it it des grace the nation. You are not the potus, are you the blotus, are you the glut on with the button. Are you a regular gorge washington. Are you the presidunce, but are turn iting too a real priktalt tator. Sir, you attract more skin heads than free rogaine. You have more people marching against you than cancer. You talk like a sign language gorilla who got hid in the head. In fact the only thing your mouth is good for is being a puttins [bleep] holster. Your president ial library, is going to be a kids menu an a couple of ju ggs magazine. The only thing smaller than your hands is your tax return. And you can take that anyway you want. We got a great show for you tonight. Chris pratt is here. Neil degrasse tyson. When you come back, i will be right here with history lessons for donald trump. The late show with Stephen Colbert. Pg e was convicted of six felony charges including five violations of the u. S. Pipeline safety act and obstructing an ntsb investigation. Pg e was fined, placed under an outside monitor, given five years of probation, and required to perform 10,000 hours of community service. We are deeply sorry. We failed our customers in san bruno. While an apology alone will never be enough, actions can make pg e safer. And thats why weve replaced hundreds of miles of gas pipeline, adopted new Leak Detection technology that is onethousand times more sensitive, and built a stateoftheart gas operations center. We can never forget what happened in san bruno. Thats why were working every day to make pg e the safest Energy Company in the nation. Stephen thank you, jon, thank you, jon batiste, stay human, everybody. applause . Stephen thank you, sir. Now jon, i just have a couple i just got a couple more things to say about done all trump while were at it, if you dont mind. If you dont mind, i just dont want to let these go. You know we have been talking about done all trump on the show for awhile. And im sure you are saying to yourself, but wait, stephen, when is done all trump going to way in on civil war history. laughter im going to pretend it youre thinking that. Well, youre in luck because just this morning the trump sound bite train pulled into sirious radio. We had Andrew Jackson been a little bit later you wouldnt have had the civil war. And he was he was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the civil war. He said there is no reason for this. Stephen exactly. Exactly. Andrew jackson said there is no reason for this, okay. He said we dont need a civil war. All my slaves are perfectly happy. Now and one rarely hears this, in fairness to Andrew Jackson, im not im not surprised he didnt stop the civil war given that he died 16 years before it started. Or as donald truch would put it, i prefer president was dont die. Then donald trump wrapped up his civil war sim posium with a groundbreaking question. People dont realize, you know, the civil war, if you think about it, why. People dont ask that question. But why was there the civil war. Stephen its one of the great mysteries of our time. Why was there a civil war. Also, who murdered the titanic. Well never know. Well never know. And because applause no way of knowing. No one has ever asked, jon, no one has ever asked the question. Jon not once. Stephen and because we can never know the cause of the civil war. Slavery, slavery, it was slavery stephen hey, ghost of abraham lincoln, everybody. Im sorry, im sorry, sir, what were you saying . Slavery, the civil war happened because of slavery. Stephen yes, but why . Unfortunately no one has ever asked that. No one has to. Read the [bleep] emancipation proclamation. Come on, people. I mean seriously, how many times does danielday lewis have to tell you, its a slavery, knock knock, who is there, the union army come to free the slaves you brain dead pumpkin. Stephen okay, sir, i get it. Maybe you shouldnt tell me. Maybe you should go tell the white house. No way, that place is haunted by steve baaannon. Stephen ghost lincoln, everybody. Well be right back with chris pratt and Neil Degrasse tyson. Stick around. Yes, you will probably have to answer lots of silly questions from strangers. Yes, this is a mindblowing marvel of technology. And, yes, you can buy it today because the future doesnt start next week, next month or next year. The future starts now. In the hydrogenfueled toyota mirai. Happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. Nexgard kills fleas and ticks all month long. And it comes in an easytogive tasty chew. And that makes dogs and owners happy. No wonder vets love it too. Reported side effects include vomiting, itching, diarrhea, lethargy and lack of appetite. See your vet for more information on flea and tick protection you and your dog will love. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. Stephen hey. Look at that. Welcome back to the show. Folks, folks, you know my first guest from parks rec, Jurassic World and now hes returning as star lord in guardians of the galaxy volume 2. You know why, star munch, i did it because i wanted to. What are we even talking about this for . We just had a little man save us by blowing up 50 ships. How little . Like this. A little 1 inch man. Well, if he got closer im sure he would be much larger. That is how eyesight works you stupid raccoon. Dont call me a raccoon. Im sorry, i took it too far. I meant trash panda. Is that better . Its worse, its so much worse. Stephen please welcome chris pratt. applause . Stephen thank you. A, thank you for being here and thank you for the hug. I wasnt sure if we were going to go for the hug, i went for the handshake, you went for the hug. I dont want you to think that i dont want to hug you. You dont. Stephen i do, cuz i feel like, the strange thing about chris pratt right before he came out here. This will be fun, i know chris, chris and i are friends, no, i met you like three times. Over the course of many years though. Stephen but i feel like im your friend, and i think that is your magic as a performer, as andy or a star lord, i know that dude, i hung out with that dude. Thank you, i will take that as a compliment. Stephen it is a compliment, like are you totally. And i feel the same way about you. And you are right, we havent spent time at each others homes. I dont have your cell phone number or anything. Maybe that could change. Stephen you want that. I think everyone should get stephens number. applause . Stephen super easy, super easy to memorize. Do i show the camera . Stephen what . Dont hold that up. One at a time. Stephen but we did, we did a before we did the strangers of candy movie back in 9 day. I remember there is this young kid with all this energy and you came back in the middle of shooting, you went out to california and you came back, i might be superman, it was a that superman, that era. And i thought i could totally see that guy as a superhero. Casting direct diser not agree. Stephen but they were wrong, but now are you, the ultimate superman. Star lord, you know. It just goes to show, you know, its all divinely planned. So if its not working out in the moment, just have faith that it it can, it might work out in the future and the nos that you get today might mean an even more powerful yes in the future, do you know what i mean . Stephen i do. I do. I think, if im if im hearing you correctly, you are saying that god wanted the guardians of the galaxy to be made. Lets just leave it there. Yeah, im with it. He is a big fan. Stephen yeah, well, everybody. This is a huge movie. And not just like United States huge, this is like china huge and like brazil huge. Yeah. Stephen and japan, everywhere we owe money, huge. So what is it like for you to go anywhere in the world . Does everybody know you now as star lord . Well, you know, im not sure i have the best gauge because when i go to places, its not as if im going to travel. Im really going to promote a movie. I like to say im not necessarily traveling some where its more im shipped somewhere, you know. And when i arrive, the city were arriving knows were come sog there will be people at the airport dressed up, like the guardians of the galaxy. I think i have a skewed perfect perspective. If i just went somewhere on my own which i really havent been able to do in the last couple of years because we have been so busy. I dont think it it would be so heightened. But i get they roll out the red carpet when you arrive. Stephen it is the unboxing. Show up, amazon prime on time, two days. Get your money back. Stephen well, so it it is you will kad guardians of the gal ooksy volume 2. Volume 2. Stephen it it calmed the same thing everywhere you go or is it like star cluster caretakers or bradley coopers hidden ka ron face raccoon face what is it called . We do have theres one called the i believe its in mandarin, its called like the silver River Protection team, Something Like that. Stephen i would watch that. I would wat