Mulaney, Richard Branson and musical guest halsey, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen hey were not going to let you hang there whats wrong . Jonathan, whats going on . audience chanting Stephen Stephen thanks have a seat youre very kind, ladies and gentlemen. Folks, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert cheers and applause happy st. Comeys day, everybody of course, everybody celebrates comey day if their own way. Were kind of traditionalists around here. We watched tv and wrote jokes. Everybody was looking forward to the former f. B. I. Director testifying about all the juicy details of his meetings with donald trump. Because, remember, comey wrote everything down. And all his memos are going to be collected in his new Childrens Book james and the guilty orange. cheers and applause heart warming. A lost masterpiece. piano riff tim burtons going to make a movie of it. And now, your former f. B. I. Director, standing six foot eight, out of the university of chicago, and out of a job, james comey cheers and applause of course, it was important testimony. So they had to swear him in. Please stand. laughter stephen again, hes like sixeight. Lets go back up here. laughter comey comey sorry. My eyes are up here. My eyes are up here. laughter comey opened by talking about why he thinks he lost his job. When i was appointed f. B. I. Director in 2013, i understood that i served at the pleasure of the president. Stephen and then when i read the russia dossier, and saw what gave the president pleasure, i thought oh, no. laughter im a digdigdigdig allegedly. So, comey understood trump had the right to fire him, but he didnt buy the official explanation that it was how he treated candidate hillary clinton. That didnt make sense to me for a whole bunch of reasons, including the time and all the water that had gone under the bridge since those hard decisions had to be made. Stephen i remember that bridge. I think its the one he threw hillary off to see if she was a witch. laughter and remember, she hit the water, she lost the election, so that means witch a witch stephen thank you. Thats our Supreme Court in action. laughter and comey wasnt that upset when he lost his job, but he didnt like it when trump went after his true love. And although the law required no reason at all to fire an f. B. I. Director, the administration then chose to defame me, and more importantly, the f. B. I. , by saying that the organization was in disarray, that it was poorly led, that the workforce had lost confidence in its leader. Those were lies, plain and simple. Stephen that would be a trump Family Law Firm lies, plain, and simple. cheers and applause lies, plain and simple. And thats one of the biggest bombshells today comey flat out saying the president lied. In fact, comey said this when asked why he took such detailed notes a combination of things. I think the circumstances, the subject matter, and the person i was interacting with. Stephen so the only things that raised red flags about his meetings with trump were where, why, what, and who. When was fine. Anything specific about the person you were interacting with . And please be honest. I was honestly concerned that he might lie about the nature of our meeting. Stephen he thought trump might lie . Thats that razorsharp f. B. I. Instinct. laughter applause fellas, look look, fellas i dont want to get out over my skis here, but i think this dead body might not be alive. laughter of course, with an accusation like that, you cant get that go unanswered. Anything from the white house . I can definitively say the president is not a liar. Stephen okay. Okay. But thats Sarah Huckabee sanders. Does the president have anything to say . Im not a crook. Stephen oh wow. Okay, good. Good. Ive got to say, he looks good. Trump looks really good there. Hes lost weight, and make up. laughter of course, this whole thing, including his firing, is really all about russian interference in the election. The president has called this whole thing fake news. What say you . Do you have any doubt that the russian government was behind the intrusions, and the d. N. C. And the d. C. C. C. Systems and the subsequent leaks of that. Information . No, no doubt. Do you have any doubt that officials of the russian government were fully aware of these activities . No doubt. Stephen whats your favorite 90s skapunk band . No doubt. Stephen okay, yeah. Pretty good. I go with that. applause that or sublime. Stephen okay, seems clear enough. But is there any metaphorical way you could explain your lack of doubt . There should be no fuzz on this whatsoever. The russians interfered in our election during the 2016 cycle. They did it with purpose. They did it with sophistication. They did with overwhelming technical efforts and it was an active measures campaign driven from the top of that government. There is no fuzz on that. Stephen there it is. The russians hacked us, and the only way there could be less fuzz on it is if the brazilians hacked us. applause piano riff cheers and applause and comey used a metaphor to explain his refusal to enter what he called a patronage relationship with the president. The statue of justice has a blindfold on, because youre not supposed to be peeking out to see whether or not your patron is pleased or not about what youre doing. Stephen to be fair, you know trump never looked above her neck. laughter stephen and the senators did not hold back with their inquiry. Heres the question youre big, youre strong. Stephen can you open this jar of raspberry preserves. For me . laughter applause piano riff then comey dropped a bombshell he shared his own memos with the press. And finally, did you show copies of your memos to anyone outside of the department of justice . Yes. I asked a friend of mine to share the content of the memo with a reporter. Didnt do it myself for a variety of reasons. I was worried, the media was camping at the end of my driveway at that point. I worried it would be like feeding seagulls at the beach if it was i gave it to the media. Stephen kind of insulting to the media. That they would never stop coming back if you gave them this thing. Do they have a response . Mine, mine, mine. laughter stephen of course, they spent a lot of time on comeys oneonone dinner with trump. How did that come about again . He wanted to have dinner because he wanted to stay on. I think he asked for the dinner. Stephen okay. Director comey, is that how you remember it . No, he called me at my desk at lunch time and asked me, was i free for dinner that night. Stephen okay, but you dont have any details . And then he said, how about 6 30. And i said, whatever works for you, sir. And then i hung up and had to call my wife and break a date with her. I was supposed to take her out to dinner that night, and thats one of the alltime great excuses for breaking a date yeah. In retrospect, i love spending time with my wife and i wish i had been there that night. laughter stephen on the plus side, if you hadnt gone to dinner with him that night, you wouldnt have so much time to spend with your wife now. cheers and applause piano riff so, spending time with your wife. Spending time with your wife. I applaud for that. The whole thing concluded with john mccain who proved hes a maverick when it comes to being able to understand him. I think that the American People have a whole lot of questions out there, particularly since you just emphasized the role that russia played. And obviously, she was a candidate for president at the time, so she was clearly involved in this whole situation where fake news, as you just described it big deal, took place. In other words, were complete. The investigation of anything that former secretary clinton had to do with the campaign is over, and we dont have to worry about it any more . With respect to sec im not im a little confused, senator. laughter stephen not as much as he is. laughter how was trump feeling during this . We dont know. Trump said he was going to livetweet. And he didnt. Which means Reince Priebus and steve bannon managed to keep tossing trumps phone back and forth the entire time. laughter trump voice give it to me. Give it. Give it. Quit it. Quit it. piano riff applause in fact, there was a whole team at the white house assigned to keep trump busy thursday morning with meetings so he wouldnt watch tv and tweet during the hearing. But they werent optimistic, saying, if he wants to watch it, its not like we can say, oh, the tv doesnt work. Oh, yeah, hes way too smart to fall for that. Have you tried turning the lights off and telling him hes blind . laughter so theres nothing you can do. The president is going to watch tv. Thats why we asked our team from real news tonight to help distract the president during the testimony welcome to realize tonight. Our top story today, theres no reason to watch james comeys testimony right now. No reason at all. Hes a stupid tall doc. And unemployed. The white house freezer is broken and the chefs need to eat all the ice cream before it melts. Nyum nyum. And look at those. Ice creamies, look at them. Keep looking as them. For a developing story, we go to our hot eighties aerobics girl. James comey exploded. Gone forever. Dont check twitter. Coming up next, look at the keys, theyre shiny and jangly. applause stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. John mulaney is here. But when we come back, ill be over there talking about the eric trump scandal. Stick around. Chevy is the most awarded car Company Three years in a row. Really. Lets see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelley blue book 2016 best resale value. U. S. News best car for the money. 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go 2017 iihs. Top safety. 2017 north american car of the year thats a lot of awards now through june 12th, get 0 financing for 72 months on all 2017 chevy tahoe models. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. School lunch can be difficult. Cafeteria chaos. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Not with ziploc easy open tabs. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. 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Flap flap because theres breaking news about Donald Trumps second son and odo from deep space nine, eric trump. For more than a decade, hes had a charity called the eric trump foundation, which has used golf outings to raise money for children with cancer. But now forbes is reporting that donald trump actually shifted some of that Charity Money into his business. So eric trumps foundation took money audience reacts it gets better. So eric trumps foundation took money meant for kids with cancer. Not only that, but a lot of those kids had to meet eric trump. How it worked was that eric would hold events on trump courses, and tell donors that because he got free use of the courses, all proceeds would go to st. Judes hospital. But it turns out the courses werent free. The Trump Organization received payments for using them, part of more than 1. 2 Million Dollars of charity, money that never made it to st. Judes. audience reacts listen, listen come on. Well, st. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes. Hows he with lost cash . Forbes adds that the listed expenses defy any reasonable cost justification for a oneday golf tournament, according to golf charity experts. laughter i just want to say, so for all you sociology majors out there whose parents want to know what youll do with your degree, ive got three words for you golfcharityexpert. applause expert. Expert. Now before you go hating on Foundation Head and beavis plus butthead, eric trump, keep in mind that this isnt totally his fault. Apparently, when donald trump found out that erics charity wasnt being billed for using the golf courses, he flipped out and said, i dont care if its my son or not everybody gets billed. By the way, everybody gets billed is also the republicans replacement for obamacare. Donald trump even donated funds from his foundation to erics foundation that were then used to pay the Trump Organization, a move that, according to forbes, has more in common with a drug cartels moneylaundering operation than a charitys best practices. Oh, i think listen, i think comparing the trump family to drug dealers is a little unfair. Drug dealers make you feel good. cheers and applause piano riff ive heard. Im not into that scene. But keep in mind, there has been a lot of good done by Foundation Head and skeleton child from nightmare before christmas, eric trump. His charity has raised millions of dollars for sick children, plus theyre close to finding a cure for whatever don jr. Has that prevents him from closing his mouth. Eric lashed out at his critics, tweeting, i have raised 16. 3 Million Dollars for terminally ill children at stjude with less than a 12. 3 expense ratio. What have you done today . Today . Well. Ah. Oh, i found out about sick kids are getting ripped off by voldemort with hair. Well be right back with john mulaney. cheers and applause band playing the earth is a very small stage. In a vast cosmic arena. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. The earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Like it or not, for the moment. The earth is where we make our stand. It underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve. And cherish the only home weve ever known. Im leaving you, wesley. But why . You havent noticed me in two years. I was in a coma. Well, i still deserve appreciation. Who was there for you when you had amnesia . You know i cant remember that. Stop this madness. If its appreciation you want you should both get snapshot from progressive. It rewards good drivers with big discounts on car insurance. Its a miracle. I can walk again. Go back to your room, susan lucci. Its a miracle. I can walk again. And that doesnt happen every by accident it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. Almost as long as it took me to master this look. Still practicing. It takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. Theres more behind the star. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody thank you, jon cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the late show already in progress. Folks, my first guest tonight is a very funny standup comedian and a very funny elderly star of oh, hello on broadway. Please welcome john mulaney cheers and applause band playing nice to see ya. Nice to see you. Stephen nice to see you. How are you . Nice to see you, stephen. Stephen havent seen you in a long time. 2016 was the last time you were here. I did the show then. Ive seen you since then but you did not see me. Stephen where were you . And thats deeply creepy. Stephen where were you . I was in your bushes. Thats a deeply creepy way to start any kind of sentence. Stephen youve seen me but i havent seen you. Ive seen the back of your head. Stephen that doesnt make me feel any better. And the back of your wifes head, let me be clear. Stephen okay, good. Do you recall the met gala at the metropolitan museum of art . Stephen oh, yeah, the fundraising thing they do for their yeah. Its prom. You and your beautiful wife were in the line and me and my beautiful wife were right behind you for about half an hour and i never said hello. Stephen why didnt you say hello . I choked. Stephen i would have loved to have somebody to talk to. It became too late to say hello at a certain point. I knew it was you. I was, like, its colbert. My wife said, hi. I said, what if he turns and goes, like, this is real life. laughter stephen im totally bull bleep you right now by saying i like you. So frien friendly on air. Stephen right. But when youre in the egyptian room at the met, he turns on you. laughter stephen i was nervous behind the people in front of me because i was behind claire foy who plays in the crown and Felicity Jones from rogue one, the two of them were in front of me. Stephen did you say hi to them . I said hi to claire foi because she had been on the couch here. Oh, so you do talk to people off the show . Stephen yeah. Do you want to go to the met the tomorrow . laughter i had just blown it, too. I was also in a state. Before i walked into the event, i said to my wife, whos the one person you want to meet . She said Kim Kardashian. I said, great answer. We were in the long line and i said artist jeff kountze. I uh said, anna, its jeff kountze. And Kim Kardashian was walking this way and i said that, kim gets spooked and keeps watching and my wife doubles over and is laughing and said, you blew it stephen he shs like a forest animal, you have to get like in a blind and wait for her to come through at dawn. laughter she got away stephen sure. She didnt fall into your snare . laughter this is serial killer. She got away, but i wont be foiled again, stephen. Stephen well, please say hello next time. I will say hello. Stephen you are a busy man next time. Youve got so much going on. Youve got a new album out, youve got a new tour, oh, hello on broadway which you invited me to. That is going to come out on netflix. Soon, in a couple of days. The album is out in a couple of days. Stephen youre a comedian, you put out a comedy album, why on vinyl . Why on vinyl . Stephen is it just warmer . I actually havent seen it before is