Super hot tv dads. And heres something to help you remember. Stephen let me join you there. Please. Stephen daddys been bad happy fathers day. cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes scarlett johansson. Bill burr. And musical guest fleet foxes. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey thats right, thats right thats nice. Thats crisp. Thats crisp. Thanks, everybody thank you so much. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is it is friday. cheers and applause once again we have made it through the week to friday. You can feel the friday vibe in the crowd. It is unmistakable. These are people ready to cut loose right here, cut footloose. , of course, big news this week is that special Counsel Robert Mueller is investigating donald trump for obstruction of justice. cheers and applause its a friday crowd. Thats a friday crowd right but trumps got a plan. There. I think hes going to be the first person ever to settle his presidency out of court. laughter and as always, donald trump hes a fighter, you know, hes a street fighter. He punches back. Hes fighting back on twitter. Yesterday he tweeted i dont know. Maybe because those people are the nonpresident. Everybody else gets to hang out with russia i hate you. Youre not my real special prosecutor. Im going to my room applause cheers and applause and while weve all been following the investigation, Senate Republicans have very quietly been hard at work this week on their plan to repeal obamacare. Whats in it . Who knows . laughter all weve found out so far is their Foolproof Plan for getting it passed keeping their Health Care Bill secret. Yes, somehow, your Health Insurance is the one piece of classified information that no one has leaked yet. cheers and applause yes, yes, yes. Yes, it is so secret, the senate Health Care Bill is so very secret, its like its like the Health Care Bill is the next secret of game of thrones, and yet somehow more people will die. And they have im talking about you people, because you wont have health care. laughter and senator john cornyn of texas had a cute analogy for the secret Health Care Bill, saying, its like having a baby. Its not here yet, but its coming. laughter and this how john cornyn thinks babies are made . Darlin, what do you say we pop a bottle of wine and enter a secret committee overseen by mitch mcconnell, if you know what i mean. And this secret baby must be a real monster, because even republican senators are unaware of the health care details. So theyre voting for something theyve never seen. Its like the dating game. Healthcare bill number 1 if you were a bird, would you cover preexisting conditions . Not on the first date. laughter applause you cant really blame them. This is a very delicate negotiation. If the bill is too harsh, theyll lose moderates like maine senator susan collins. But if the bill is too generous, theyll lose fiscal conservatives like ohio senator chuck reaper. laughter now, Senate Republicans met with the president to discuss the healthcare bill, and he told them he was glad they were working on it, because the house bill that passed last month was mean, mean, mean. Careful, sir. You say mean three times into a mirror, and steve bannon appears behind you. laughter applause thats kind of crazy for the president of the United States to say that about the house bill because if you remember the day the second the house bill passed, trump invited all the republican congressmen to the white house for a party. I havent seen that many happy white men in suits since the Memorial Day Sale at joseph a. Bank. Quality products. And heres what trump said back then but we have an Amazing Group of people standing behind me. They worked so hard, and they worked so long. And when i said, lets do this. Lets go out just short, little shots for each one of us, and lets say how good this plan is. Stephen ill go first its mean, mean, mean. You remember that a couple of weeks ago President Donald Trump withdrew the u. S. From the paris climate agreement. Audience booo jon we dont want that. Stephen i agree. This is bad news for just about this is bad news for the residents of tangier, virginia, a small island in the chesapeake bay, which, due to rising sea levels, is losing roughly 15 feet of coastline per year. Thats shrinking pretty fast. That water must be pretty cold. Jon i like the cut. Stephen thank you, jim. Cnn recently did a report on tangier that showcased the concerns of the small fishing towns 450 residents. And it appears that this is one piece of fake news that actually resonated with our president , because this week, trump called the mayor of tangier and told him not to worry about his rapidlydisappearing island. And trumps speaking from his own experience. I mean, hes watched a lot of his businesses go under. applause a lot of bankrupt casino fans here tonight. According to tangier mayor james ooker eskridge, trump told him, your island has been there for hundreds of years, and i believe your island will be there for hundreds more. Yes, if something is there, its never going away, unless trump meets a younger, hotter one. applause island island a younger, hotter hotter, like hotter, island. Now, in the unlikely event that trumps words didnt calm residents of the soontobe lost city of tangier, their mayor believes there is a solution to coastal erosion. They need a jetty, or perhaps even a sea wall, around the entire island, and that trump will cut through red tape and get them that wall. Yes, trump is going to get them that wall, and make the ocean pay for it. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Scarlett johansson is here but when we return, ill tell you about this years best fathers day cards and their notsobest first drafts. Stick around Liberty Mutual stood with me when this guy got a flat tire in the middle of the night. Hold on dad. Liberty did what . Yeah, Liberty Mutual 24hour roadside assistance helped him to fix his flat so he could get home safely. My dad says our insurance doesnt have that. Dont worry i know what a lug wrench is, dad. Is this a lug wrench . Maybe . You can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. Text blades to gillette on demand noo text to reorder blades. And get 3 off your first order with gillette on demand. We, the tv loving people, roooooaaar want our whole house to be filled with entertainment. Easy boy but we dont want annual contracts and hardware. You scoundrel we just want to stream live tv. And we want it for 10 dollars a month. batman raspy wow. Id like that in my house. Its a very big house. Yeah, mine too. Look at us. Just two bros with sick houses. High five. Directv now. A big streaming deal for 10 a month. Its entertainment your way. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band right there, right there cheers and applause nice. Nice. Hey, jon, hey, jon, you know, fathers day is this weekend. Yes, indeed. Stephen are you doing anything with or for your dad. Jon yes, i always do something for my dad. Stephen are you going to go down there . Jon i will call him. My kids arule out of town this weekend. No kid will be there this weekend. Jon is evy going to be there. Stephen evy is not going to be there, either. Just me. Youll come . cheers and applause youre all my children now. laughter as i said, this is fathers day. And ill admit its okay that im going to be alone because fathers day is not as important as mothers day. Okay. Its not. No, guys, grow up. Its not. Sure we dads teach kids about lawn care and the importance of burying your feelings, but we did not give them life. We did not pass our child through our body like a canned ham. But after you buy dad his new tie that also serves as a barbecue tong, its always nice to add a thoughtful card. If you havent picked yours up yet, dont sweat it. Right now, im going to show you this years hottest fathers day cards and their notsogreat beginnings in a special fathers day edition of first drafts applause okay, always on first drafts, i have someone from the audience help me. So could i see a show of hands . Do we have any fathering in the audience today who might want to come up on stage . You sir, black shirt. Whats your name. Ben. Stephen ben, comup. Lets do this. Ben, everybody. All right, ben, thank you so much. Have a seat. Happy fathers day. Happy fathers day to you. Stephen ben whats your full name . John benjamin roy keith. Stephen John Benjamin roy keith . From the south. Stephen you have four names and theyre all first names. That is greedy. That is really greedy. Happy fathers day. Would you like a cold beer. Yes. Stephen there gu. Cold beer right there. What else do we have . And here is some ground beef. Ground beef. Stephen okay . That packaging is beginning to swell a little bit. laughter i think we should have actually, i need that space right there. I need that space right there. Host of the show, guest. Dont touch the props. Okay. Heres how it works is are you ever seen us do first drafts before . I think i saw the mothers day edition. Stephen im going to shoi a series of fathers day cards, okay, a really great one, and followed by the notsogreat first draft of that card, the way they wrote did the first time before they got it right. Is the premise of this joke getting through to you . It is. Stephen would you mind holding these. Hand me the top one as we go along. Not yet. I will call for it. Are you in town with your wife . Yes. Stephen is she here. Ruth. Stephen say hi to ruth, everybody. And you have kids. I do, i have three. Stephen three kids. Boys, girls . Two girls, one boys. Stephen another great. Are they nice to their brother . Mmmm. Sometimes, yes. Stephen bad dad just threw you under the bus, girls. I can have the first card please. Y heres the final draft of a card. Happy fathers day to my one and only dad. Thats nice. Very sweet. laughter applause you never know. You never know. You never do know. How old are they . 21, 21, and 18. Stephen so twins . No we brady bunched it. Stephen you joined the family together, thats nice. Stephen okay, ben, heres one. Okay. There you go. Thank you. But the first draft read laughter on the weekends, just some boxer shorts is nice. After 5. Stephen after 5 00 . Thats nice, very formal of you. Thats very nice. Lets get some breeze in there. Heres a nice one. Its a very sweet one. It says thats very sweet. But the first draft read, want to get high . You dont do, that right . No. Stephen you dont do that. Dont do that. A lot of kids think you you should be, like, friends with the kids, right . I have a marine corps background. No friends. Stephen you were in the corps. I was going to ask you for another card, but, yeah, ill shake your hand. You bet. Yeah, okay. Thank you for your service. Do your kids ever say that to you . My sons in the army. Stephen he is. Thank you for his service. Heres one that says, happy fathers day. Dad, you rock but the first draft was your dad band makes you look like an extra in a viagra commercial. applause a sip of that. A sip of that. Do you everything working in that direction there . Ben, you needs the viagra . What . Theres no shame. Everybody does it . Were good. Stephen im on a couple right now, just to get through the show, absolutely, yeah. laughter nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with it. Its cool. Stephen heres one. It says, happy fathers day. When i grow up, i want to be just like dad thats nice. But the first draft says, but, yknow, without the drinking. applause heres one that says, family is forever. Thats an Important Message we should all remember. But the first draft read, im never moving out of the basement. laughter applause where did you where did you do your Marine Corps Training . Where did you do boot camp . Paris island. Stephen paris island, South Carolina. applause are you cheering for the marines or South Carolina . I didnt understand a damn thing they just said. Could i have the top one. Im from the low country of South Carolina. I used to live in charleston. Stephen here we go. 3 heres one for the grandfathers out there. You put the grand in grandpa. Happy fathers day. Thats really sweet. But the first draft said, please stop calling my wife oriental. laughter applause definitely have a sip. Bep, thank you so much. Well be right back with the lovely scarlett johansson. Drink up its just a burst pipe, i co laugh it. No. With claim rateguard your rates wont go up just because of a claim. I totally couldve no switching to allstate is worth it. singsong budget meeting. Sweet. If you compare last quarter. Its no wonder everything seems a little better with the creamy taste of philly, made with no artificial preservatives, flavours or dyes. Made with no artificial preservatives, 60 of women are wearing the w. Experience leaks. Introducing always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody come on welcome back, ladies and gentlemen please, have a seat. Folks, i am so excited. My first guest has played everything from black widow in the avengers to her in her. She now stars in rough night. Theres only one cup left. I cant do it. Its too much pressure. Froax if we win this we will be the only girls to ever win the halloween tournament. For womankind. To the making me horny and shoot. cheers ooooh stephen please welcome scarlett johansson. Hello stephen its so nice to see you again. Its so nice to see you again. I think i maybe was on your second show. Stephen you were. You were my second guest. You were my second lead guest. Thank you for coming back. I know how to do this job now. How have you how have you gotten better . I want to know how youve improved. Stephen i enjoy it more, i think. Yeah, because you were terrified . Stephen, of course. I totally changed jobs. I had to be myself, you know. I dont know how to be myself. I had to learn to be myself after all those years. Believe me, im very sympathetic to that. As an actor, i know. Stephen you have done it all, super hero movies, scifi, woody allen, noir. What is it like now doing a blockbuster comedy . This is your first big blockbuster comedy, isnt it . Yeah, i think so. I mean yeah, i think so. laughter stephen its you, its kate mckinnon, alana glazer, zoe kravitz. Its a great cast, an amazing cast of comedians. And it was a blast. I mean it was we just immediately jelled. And just laughed and cry laughed and cried the whole time. Stephen and its its a female director, too, right. She does broad city which is such a great show. And it was written and directed by lucia, and paul downs, they partnered together. He also plays my fiance in the film. Stephen its all female stars, all female director. Its like the wonder woman of getting coked up and killing a stripper. She does something similar to that, doesnt she . Stephen she kills some people but she doesnt get coakd up first. Its bath salts. Stephen exactly. Who is grandma geraldine. I have a dople ganger. This grandson posted on reddit that and i dont have any social media presence. So stephen none at all . No. Stephen tweet, instagram . No, nothing. And so this came to me purely because people were like, oh, my god, you have a dople ganger, and its crazy. So i looked at this link online. This woman looks exactly like me. Its his grandma. The picture was taken when she was 22. Look at the picture what . Stephen thats totally you. It is me from lucy and it looks let me look at it. It looks so much like me. Stephen its shocking. Its crazy. But she was also really wasted in that picture. laughter applause she was. And so, when she you know, i found out that she was obviously, she looked exactly like me, but she was wasted. I was like you should come and we should get wasted together at the rough night premiere. So she came last night to the rough night premiere and we did get kind of trashed. She is so nice. Geraldine. There we are look at how cute she is . applause . Stephen so she can party . Can she party . My gosh, shes a lush she was such a nice woman, though. Honestly, it was wonderful to meet her. Shes from arkansas, and her daughter, of course, owns a bar. And so laughter and i will eventually make my way to arkansas and continue this lovely family reunion. Shes just shes just awesome. Stephen well, the last time you were here, you flew in from paris to be on the show, which i was so thrilled for you to come in just to do the show. Do you travel all around the world . You must for, like, blockbuster movies, because these marvel movies open in every market in the world. Were always traveling to you know, last press tour well go to china. Well go to france or london or all over the place. Stephen is there smoog in all those different places, you have to go around the world, you know, it must be sort of disorienting. Is there something you go like a comfort food or something chicken wings. I try chicken wings in every single wherever i am. Stephen can you get them anywhere . Unfortunately not. I wish that you could. There are some countries, you know, they want to make the americans feel at home, so youll go to a hotel bar in shanghai and there will be wings. Stephen because thats my goto. Thats how i test the hotel. We the wing s. Stephen i already the wingwings and and a caesar sala. Me, too. We are saimse. Stephen i say that all the time, me and scarlett johansson, kind of samese. Hold on. Hold on. So are you a buffalo wing type of person. Stephen im a buffalo wing. Im a classic buffalo wing and do you go for ranch or bleu cheese. I go for the bleu cheese. Me, too. Stephen we should throw down on some wings sometimes. Now, how deep do you get into it . Since im in my hotel room, because youre there in your hotel room, im not saying i eat them naked, but laughter i do put down a towel before i start eating these things. laughter you know, because you have all the towels and the robe and everything. You want to be careful what you touch after you do eat those hot wings. Im just saying. Stephen yes, yes. laughter applause you dont want to get that sauce in your eye. Stephen safety first. No, that would certainly your eye is