And heres something to help you remember. Stephen let me join you there. Please. Stephen daddys been bad happy fathers day. cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Scarlett Johansson. Bill burr. And musical guest fleet foxes. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey thats right, thats right thats right cheers and applause thats nice. Thats crisp. Thats crisp. Thanks, everybody thank you so much. Youre so kind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is it is friday. cheers and applause once again we have made it through the week to friday. You can feel the friday vibe in the crowd. cheers and applause it is unmistakable. These are people ready to cut loose right here, cut footloose. Of course, the big news this week is that special Counsel Robert Mueller is investigating donald trump for obstruction of justice. But cheers and applause its a friday crowd. Thats a friday crowd right there. But trumps got a plan. I think hes going to be the first person ever to settle his presidency out of court. laughter and, as always, donald trump hes a fighter, you know . Hes a street fighter. He punches back. Hes fighting back on twitter. Yesterday he tweeted stephen i dont know. Maybe because those people are the nonpresident. laughter everybody else gets to hang out with russia i hate you. Youre not my real special prosecutor. Im going to my room applause cheers and applause and while weve all been following the investigation, Senate Republicans have very quietly been hard at work this week on their plan to repeal obamacare. Whats in it . Who knows . laughter all weve found out so far is their Foolproof Plan for getting it passed keeping their Health Care Bill secret. Yes, somehow, your Health Insurance is the one piece of classified information that no one has leaked yet. cheers and applause yes, yes, yes. Yes, it is so secret, the senate Health Care Bill is so very secret, its like its like the Health Care Bill is the next season of game of thrones, and yet somehow more people will die. audience reacts and they have im talking about you people, because you wont have health care. laughter and senator john cornyn of texas had a cute analogy for the secret Health Care Bill, saying, laughter is this how john cornyn thinks babies are made . Darlin, what do you say we pop a bottle of wine and enter a secret committee overseen by Mitch Mcconnell if you know what i mean. And this secret baby must be a real monster, because even republican senators are unaware of the health care details. So theyre voting for something theyve never seen. Its like the dating game. Healthcare bill number 1 if you were a bird, would you cover preexisting conditions . Not on the first date. laughter applause you cant really blame them. This is a very delicate negotiation. If the bill is too harsh, theyll lose moderates like maine senator susan collins. But if the bill is too generous, theyll lose fiscal conservatives like ohio senator chuck reaper. laughter now, Senate Republicans met with the president to discuss the healthcare bill, and he told them he was glad they were working on it, because the house bill that passed last month was mean, mean, mean. Careful, sir. You say mean three times into a mirror, and steve bannon appears behind you. laughter okay . applause thats kind of crazy for the president of the United States to say that about the house bill because if you remember the day the second the house bill passed, trump invited all the republican congressmen to the white house for a party. I havent seen that many happy white men in suits since the Memorial Day Sale at joseph a. Bank. laughter and quality products. And heres what trump said back then but we have an Amazing Group of people standing behind me. They worked so hard, and they worked so long. And when i said, lets do this. Lets go out just short, little shots for each one of us, and lets say how good this plan is. Stephen ill go first its mean, mean, mean. laughter you remember that a couple of weeks ago President Donald Trump withdrew the u. S. From the paris climate agreement. Now this is bad news audience booo jon we dont want that. Stephen i agree. This is bad news for the residents of tangier, virginia, which is a small island in the chesapeake bay, which, due to rising sea levels, is losing roughly 15 feet of coastline per year. Thats shrinking pretty fast. That water must be cold. laughs jon i like the cut. Stephen thank you, jim. Cnn recently did a report on tangier that showcased the concerns of the small fishing towns 450 residents. And it appears that this is one piece of fake news that actually resonated with our president , because this week, trump called the mayor of tangier and told him not to worry about his rapidlydisappearing island. And trumps speaking from his own experience. I mean, hes watched a lot of his businesses go under. According applause a lot of bankrupt casino fans here tonight. laughter according to tangier mayor james ooker eskridge, trump told him, your island has been there for hundreds of years, and i believe your island will be there for hundreds more. Yes, if something is there, its never going away, unless trump meets a younger, hotter one. audience reacts now applause island island a younger, hotter hotter, like hotter, island. Now, in the unlikely event that Donald Trumps words didnt calm residents of the soontobe lost city of tangier, their mayor believes there is a solution to coastal erosion. They need a jetty, or perhaps even a sea wall, around the entire island, and that trump will cut through red tape and get them that wall. Yes, trump is going to get them that wall, and then make the ocean pay for it. Weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Scarlett Johansson is here but when we return, ill tell you about this years best fathers day cards and their notsobest first drafts. Stick around we, the people, are tired of being surprised with extra monthly fees. We want hd. And every box and dvr. All included. Because we dont like surprises. Yes. Like changing up the celebrity at the end to someone more handsome. And talented. Really . And british. Switch from cable to directv. Get 4 rooms with hd, dvr and every box included for 25 a month. Only from directv. New, peach, from limearita. Make it a margarita moment. She pretty much lives in her favorite princess dress. But once a week i let her play sheriff so i can wash it. I use tide to get out those week old stains and downy to get it fresh and soft. You are free to go. Tide and downy together. With motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. Doto be our next spokesperson . M hes so boring. Hm. Sounds like youre on the fence. Why dont i just leave you my resume . Yes, its laminated. No thanks. Youre hired try the new caramel m ms. Ow. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. Are ywith an old computer . Rform thats like lebron. Trying to perform with old equipment. Ooh. Well that is not what the fans signed up to see. Is outdated Equipment Holding you back . Upgrade your game to intels fastest processor. You should probably upgrade those, too. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human, right there. Give it up for the band right there, right there cheers and applause nice. Nice. Hey, jon, hey, jon, you know, fathers day is this weekend. Yes, indeed. Stephen are you doing anything with or for your dad . Jon yes, i always do something for my dad. Stephen are you going to go down there or are you going to call him . What are you going to do . Jon i will call him this year. My kids are all out of town this weekend. Jon oh, wow. Stephen no kid will be there this weekend. Jon is evy going to be there. Stephen evy is not my wife is not going to be there, either. Jon wow. Stephen just me. Ill come stephen youll come . cheers and applause youre all my children now. laughter as i said, this is fathers day. And ill admit that its okay that im going to be alone because fathers day is not as important as mothers day. Okay. Its not. No, guys, grow up. laughter its not. Sure we dads teach kids about lawn care and the importance of burying your feelings, but we did not give them life. We did not pass our child through our body like a canned ham. laughter but after you buy dad his new tie that also serves as a barbecue tongs, its always nice to add a thoughtful fathers day card. If you havent picked yours up yet, please dont sweat it. Because right now, im going to show you this years hottest fathers day cards, and their notsogreat beginnings, in a special fathers day edition of first drafts applause okay, always on first drafts, i have someone from the audience help me. So could i see a show of hands . Do we have any fathers in the audience today who might want to come up on stage . Anybody you sir, black shirt. Whats your name . Ben. Stephen ben, come on up. Lets do this, ben. Ben, everybody. All right, ben, thank you so much. Have a seat. Happy fathers day. Hey, thanks. Happy fathers day to you. Stephen ben whats your full name . John benjamin roy keith. Stephen John Benjamin roy keith . From the south. Stephen you have four names and theyre all first names. laughter theyre all first names. Stephen that is greedy. That is really greedy. Well, happy fathers day. Would you like a cold beer . Ill drink a cold beer with Stephen Colbert, yes. Stephen there you go. Cold beer right there. cheers and applause what else do we have . Got a couple things. And here is some ground beef. Ground beef. laughter stephen okay . That packaging is beginning to swell a little bit. laughter i think we should have actually, i need that space right there. I need that space right there. Host of the show, guest. Okay . Dont touch the props. Okay. Heres how it works have you ever seen us do first drafts before . I think i saw the mothers day edition. Stephen okay, heres what were going to do. Im going to show you a series of fathers day cards, okay, a really great one, and then followed by the notsogreat first draft of that card, the way they wrote it the first time before they got it right. Is the premise of this joke getting through to you . Yes, it is. Stephen it is, okay. Would you mind holding these . Hand me the top one as we go along. Not yet. I will call for it. Are you in town with your wife . Yes, i am. Stephen is she here . Yes, ruth. Stephen whats her name . Ruth. Stephen ruth . Hi, ruth. Say hi to ruth, everybody. cheers and applause and you have kids . I do, i have three. Stephen three kids. Boys, girls . Two girls, one boy. Stephen okay, great. Are they nice to their brother . Mmmm. Sometimes, yeah. laughter stephen okay. Dad just threw you under the bus, girls. Okay, can i have the first card please . Here we go. Heres the final draft of a card. Its a nice one. It says, happy fathers day to my one and only dad. Okay . Thats nice. Very sweet. But the first draft said, happy fathers day to my one and only dad that i know of. laughter applause you never know. You never know. You never do know. Stephen how old are they . 21, 21, and 18. Stephen so twins . No we brady bunched it. Stephen oh, you joined the family together, thats nice. Stephen okay, ben, heres one. It says, happy fathers day to the man who wears the pants in the family. laughter okay. There you go. Thank you. But the first draft read, happy fathers day, thank you for putting on pants. laughter because, you know yeah. Stephen on the weekends, just some boxer shorts is nice. After 5 00. Stephen after 5 00 . Thats nice, very formal of you. laughter thats very nice. Lets get some breeze in there. Okay, heres a nice one. Its a very sweet one. It says, dad, youre more than a father, youre also a friend. crowd awws thats very sweet. But the first draft read, want to get high . cheers and applause you dont do, that right . No. Stephen you dont do that. Dont do that. A lot of kids think you should be, like, friends with the kids, right . Got to be the dad, right . I have a marine corps background. Theres no friends. Stephen oh, you were in the corps. Wow. I was going to ask you for another card, but, yeah, ill shake your hand. You bet. Yeah, okay. Thank you for your service. Do your kids ever say that to you . My sons in the army, so stephen oh, he is . cheers and applause wow. Thank you for his service. Wow. All right, heres one that says, happy fathers day. Dad, you rock all right. But the first draft was your dad band makes you look like an extra in a viagra commercial. laughter applause a sip of that. A sip of that. Do you everything working in that direction there . Ben, you needs the viagra . What . Theres no shame. Everybody does it . Were good. Stephen im on a couple right now. laughter just to get through the show, absolutely, yeah. laughter nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with it. Its cool. Stephen heres one. It says, lets see, happy fathers day. When i grow up, i want to be just like dad thats nice. But the first draft said, but, yknow, without the drinking. applause heres one that says, happy fathers day, family is forever. Thats an Important Message we should all remember. But the first draft read, happy fathers day, im never moving out of the basement. laughter applause where did you where did you do your Marine Corps Training . Where did you do boot camp . Parris island. Stephen parris island, South Carolina. cheers are you cheering for the marines or for South Carolina . I didnt understand a damn thing they just said. Could i have the top one, there . Sure. Stephen im from the low country of South Carolina. cheers laughter i used to live in charleston. Stephen here we go. Heres one for the grandfathers out there. It says, you put the grand in grandpa. Happy fathers day. Thats really sweet. But the first draft said, please stop calling my wife oriental. laughter applause definitely have a sip. Ben, thank you so much. Ben keith, everybody. Well be right back with the lovely Scarlett Johansson. Drink up drink up remember our special night . Abdominal pain. And diarrhea. But its my anniversary. Aw. Sorry. Weve got other plans. Your recurring, unpredictable abdominal pain and diarrhea. May be Irritable Bowel Syndrome with diarrhea, or ibsd. Youve tried overthecounter treatments and lifestyle changes, but ibsd can be really frustrating. Talk to your doctor about viberzi,. A different way to treat ibsd. Viberzi is a Prescription Medication you take every day that helps proactively manage. Both abdominal pain and diarrhea at the same time. So you stay ahead of your symptoms. Viberzi can cause new or worsening abdominal pain. Do not take viberzi if you have no gallbladder, have pancreas or severe liver problems, problems with alcohol abuse, longlasting or severe constipation, or a bowel or gallbladder blockage. Pancreatitis may occur and can lead to hospitalization and death. If you are taking viberzi,. You should not take medicines that cause constipation. The most common side effects of viberzi. Include constipation, nausea, and abdominal pain. Stay ahead of ibsd with viberzi. Why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Its my dale call. [engine revving sounds] if youre on a diet of taking it up a notch. Thats way better than my duck call. Drink diet dew. The only diet with dew in it. And now im sure its more than a stroke of luck yeah, i love you, do you love me, too . Yeah, i love you, do you love me, too . Clap your hands if it feels good clap your hands, ohh clap your hands if it feels good clap your hands, ooh feeling tonight, some kinda wonderful feeling inside, some kinda wonderful lobster and shrimp are teaming up in so many new dishes. Fest, like coastal lobster and shrimp, with shrimp crusted with kettle chips. Or new, overthetop lobster and shrimp overboard. But it cant last, so hurry in. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody come on welcome back, ladies and gentlemen please, have a seat. Folks, i am so excited. My first guest has played everything from black widow in the avengers to her in her. She now stars in rough night. Oh, god, theres only one cup left. Oh, i cant do it. Its too much pressure. Focus if we win this we will be the only girls to ever win the halloween tournament. For womankind. Stop making me horny and shoot. cheers ooooh stephen please welcome Scarlett Johansson. cheers and applause hello stephen its so nice to see you again. Its so nice to see you again. I think i maybe was on your second show. Stephen you were. Yeah. Stephen you were my second guest. You were my second lead guest. Um, thank you for coming back. I know how to do this job now. How have you how have you gotten better . I want to know how youve improved. Stephen i enjoy it more, i think. Yeah, because you were terrified . Stephen, of course i totally changed jobs. I had to be myself, you know. I dont know how to be myself. I had to learn to be myself after all those years. I know, believe me, im very sympathetic to that. I understand. As an actor, i understand. Stephen you have done it all, super hero movies, scifi, woody allen, noir. What is it like now doing a blockbuster comedy . Because this is your first big blockbuster comedy, isnt it . Um, yeah, i think so. I mean yeah, i think so. laughter stephen its you, its kate mckinnon, ilana glazer, gillian bell, zoe kravitz. Its a great cast, an amazing cast of comedians. And it was a blast. I mean it was we just imme