Planetarium and russias state televisions only late night show. Live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen very nice. Hey, everybody how are ya . Hi, jon, good to see ya audience chanting stephen piano riff stephen thanks, everybody thank you so much cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Please have a seat. Thank you so much, everybody. Well, folks, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is its russia week, and i just want to get out ahead of the story here. I recently met with a lot of russians. I cant remember why. Maybe because i was in russia. Oh, some of them worked for the government. This week, well be showing you one russian field piece. Sorry. I meant to say two russian my lawyers are telling me five russian field pieces. I didnt think youd find out. The whole week was supposed to be a secret but someone leaked it to cbss marketing department. I didnt. Anyway, russias coming up later in the show. Meanwhile, back in the United States, russia. Folks, things are not looking good for president son and store brand billy baldwin, donald trump, jr. Because of a meeting he took last year with russian lawyer natalia veselnitskaya. And now weve learned that there was another russian at that meeting, russian lobbyist rinat akhmyetshin. Funny detail hes reportedly a former soviet counterintelligence officer. Of course, when it comes to don, jr. , theres not much intelligence to counter. cheers and applause piano riff now, akhmyetshin denies any current ties to russian spy agencies. It must be true. Remember the first rule of spy club tell everyone youre in spy club. laughter point is, theres another lie because, last week, don, jr. Didnt mention this russian guy. No, he said this this is everything. This is everything. Stephen this is everything. Must have slipped his mind. With all that hair gel, things just slide out. piano riff laughter so there was a fifth person we didnt know about. Then we found out there was a sixth person. Six thats more people than are currently working at the e. P. A. laughter who was the sixth person . We dont know. Im guessing the guy who had to keep bringing chairs into the conference room. Now, no ones saying there were seven people in the meeting because, turns out, there were at least eight people in the room. Eight and thats not even counting the other russians that are nested inside of them laughter applause don, jr. s defense this entire time has been that he wanted to collude with russia but got nothing. Therefore, innocent . But you know who doesnt remember it that way . laughter rinat akhmyetshin. cheers and applause he claims that natalia, the russian lawyer, gave don a plastic folder with printedout documents that detailed what she believed was the flow of illicit funds to the democrats. Okay, they never met with russians, but turns out they did. But all they talked about was adoption, but it turns out they talked about colluding, but the one russian didnt give them any documents, but it turns she did and it wasnt one russian, it was five. This is the first time a trump has lied about having a smaller crowd size. laughter meanwhile, donald trump has added another lawyer to his team, former federal prosecutor and man hiring the three stooges to move a piano, ty cobb. Yes, thats really his name. So who is trumps new lawyer and model train magazines 2010 bad boy of the year, ty cobb . Well, according to the bio on his firms website, ty cobb gets results the oldfashioned way, which, presumably, is also how he gets his mustache wax and homemade root beer. But hes no slouch. By he i mean saltwater taffy mascot, ty cobb. Hes won huge legal cases including when he successfully defended a beef processor against charges of lying to investigators. That was very generous of cobb to help out a rival cattle baron. But just because hes ruthless in the court room doesnt mean that there isnt a soft side to trump lawyer and Lollipop Guild strike breaker, ty cobb. For example, he was described by cnn legal analyst Michael Zeldin as a genuinely nice man. Of course, its not surprising that youd get a nice vibe from trump lawyer and rejected westworld saloon keeper, ty cobb. Today, his new client, donald trump, unveiled made in america week. Possibly to distract from the fact that his campaign was made in russia. One of the products made in america that he highlighted was a big shiny fire truck and the president , of course, could not resist getting in. laughter wheres the fire . We havent found the fire, yet, mr. President , but theres more smoke every day. Weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause band playing al gore is here. But when we return, im in russia stick around. Guys, everybody quiet down. Cause this is my jam. Showtime tell it to my heart tell me im the only one. Nailed it tim, nailed it. Many everything is better now. Allthat was amazing. E sitting. The ceiling is all spider webs. We missed grandpas 99th birthday. Im actively trying to stand up right now. And his funeral. Oh i have a beard. Oh a chip. laughter Binge Watching isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Thanks captain obvious. How long have you been here . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. As you can see, its russia week here at the late show, which is part of russia four years here in america. Because ever since trumps election, everyone has been talking about russia. Its in all the papers, its on tv, its in the selfincriminating emails we tweet for some reason. In fact, to get away from the russia Election Hacking story, youd have to travel all the way to whatever country produces fox and friends. But despite all the russia talk, we know almost nothing about what average russians think. So i thought, someone should go to russia and find out. And then i thought of the perfect person not me. Because, and this is true, my executive producer chris over there back in december said, hey, do you want the take a trip to russia . And i said, absolutely not. laughter and he said, what if i just found out how much it would cost to go . I said, well, that couldnt hurt anything. The next thing i knew, i was in moscow. laughter the trip was amazing. The russian people were incredibly friendly and welcoming. In fact, there were teams of them following me about a block behind wherever i went in case i needed something i guess. I talked to the people on the street, i spent a day with Russian Oligarch mikhail prokerov, i met with a Russian Security expert and putin dissident. I even stayed in the ritz carlton president ial suite. Yes, that one. laughter cheers and applause yes. Very nice. Very nice. piano riff applause i wore a hazmat suit. laughter well have all of that all this week, and tonight, our first piece from beautiful st. Petersburg. Stephen when you think of russia, you think of one thing late night comedy. Ivan urgant is russias most popular and only late night talk show host and was gracious enough to invite me on as a guest of evening urgant. But before i took to the kremlinsanctioned airwaves of staterun television. I first wanted to hit the streets of st. Petersburg to learn a little bit about the russian sense of humor. Whats like a classic russian joke . The crow flies. Stephen the crow flies. And it smacks into the stop sign. Stephen oh, the crow smacks into the stop sign. And then it says, schlagbaum, baum baum. Its the sound of hitting the stop sign. And thats the word that indicates the stop sign itself. Stephen oh, so the stop sign makes the sound of the stop sign. Of the crow hitting the stop sign. Stephen okay. Now that ive heard from the people, i wanted to hear from my comrade in late night. So i sat down with ivan urgant himself to discuss the obstacles he faces doing comedy in russia. Okay, so lets talk about like restrictions. Are there things you can and cannot say on your show . Do you feel comfortable doing politics on your show . Not really too much politics. We do some. Stephen do you talk about trump on your show . From time to time. Stephen because we talk about him all the time. Yeah, thats why you guys are number one now in the states. Thank you, mr. President. Stephen thank you very much. So were more close to fallon, than to john oliver. Stephen does putin watch your show . No, i dont know. Ask him about putin. Ask him about putin. Is he like to sit naked on a horse . I wont say it stephen that i know of i was finally ready to make my russian debut. Stephen introducing Stephen Colbert stephen i love the russian people. Why do you love russian people . How come you suddenly started loving us . Stephen because theyre so friendly. Theyre so friendly, theyre so welcoming. I was out on the streets last night here in st. Petersburg. Thats your very first visit to russia . Youve never been to russia before . Stephen this is the first time ive ever been in russia. I youve never been to the soviet union . Stephen id like a lawyer present before i answer that. laughter i want to tell you, i am so honored to be here right now because you are the number one show here and this is the state tv, so you are officially the employee of the state. And we agreed that i will be on the show. We whats the word for it we colluded that i would be on the show, and so i look forward to going back to america and testifying before the Senate Intelligence committee about colluding with russians. Thank you for that opportunity. The thing is, look, theres a lot going on between our countries. But we have to be friends. We have to be friends. But before we can be friends, here in russia, we must quarrel or to put it simply, to fight. Hit me. laughter applause now we can be friends. Please take a look what i got for you. Stephen, Stephen Stephen yes . This is the segment and the game called the russian russian roulette. Please. Stephen whats this . We spin, you take the shot that the arrow points to. And then lets toast we like to toast here in russia. You toast russia, and i will toast america. Lets try. Stephen oh, id love to, id love to. What do we do with the pickles . applause no, no, no, no. You will find out in the process. You will return a different man to america, a different man. Your life will change. Come on, spin. Well, go ahead. Please. Okay, easy. Thats it. Uhhuh. Well, probably this one. Please. Take it out carefully. Well, say a toast, drink, and then ill show you what to do with the pickles. Stephen to the beautiful and friendly russian people. I dont understand why no members of the Trump Administration can remember meeting you. cheers and applause stephen. And now right away, right away, right away you eat it. Thats it. Excellent. Give me this shot. Stephen is this all vodka . Well, naturally. Stephen then why do we spin it . Because its the russian russian roulette stephen so every single one of them is a bullet . Of course welcome to russia, Stephen Stephen this is suicide. Id like to drink, id like to toast the wonderful country america, the United States, which invented internet, thanks to which we can influence the outcome of the president ial elections in the u. S. cheers and applause stephen by the way oh, you just smelled it . Yes, yes, yes. Stephen okay, smells wonderful. Can i announce something . Please. Stephen i am here in russia. This is not showing in the United States . Well, it depends they show it at trump tower. laughter applause stephen okay. But he doesnt remember. laughter and i am here to announce that i am considering a run for president in 2020. cheers and applause stop, stop, stop. Stephen and i thought it would just be better to cut out the middle man and just tell the russians myself. If anyone would like to work on my campaign in an unofficial capacity, please just let me know. Stephen, stephen, you have just ended the game. Since youve announced it yourself we were actually expecting you to do that after we drink all of it i cant deny myself the pleasure to drink with the future president of the United States. To you, stephen. I wish you luck. We will do Everything Possible on our end to help you become the president. Stephen spasibo a strong america, a strong russia Stephen Colbert stephen before i left, i wanted to leave my late night comrade with a cherished gift. Stephen there was a crow, a black bird, a crow. And it was flying through the sky, and as it came to land it hit a schlagbaum. And the sign made the sound baum baum baum baum baum. This is one of the most funniest jokes ive ever heard in my life. Stephen thank you. Stephen thank you, ivan well be back with Vice President al gore, stick around cheers and applause the people you love,to does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. 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We, the entertainmentloving people, want an unlimited data plan that gives us more. We want more than just texting. More than just surfing and shopping. Because sure, we want to use this to call the people we love like our directors. But mostly, to get the entertainment we love. Maaaaark switch to at t for the only unlimited plan that gives you 60 channels of Live Television on any screen all for 70 a month. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my first guest has won a grammy, a nobel peace prize, and the popular vote. cheers and applause his new film is an inconvenient sequel. Youre in georgetown which is the reddest city and county in texas and im a conservative republican. Okay. But, you know, our duty to our rate payers is to provide them with the lowest possibility utility cost. Money talks. But doesnt it make sense from a common sense standpoint, the less stuff you put in the air, the better it is . Yeah. I mean, common sense. You dont need scientists to debate that. Can i use that line . Absolutely. laughter somebody get a picture of me and mr. Vice president. There is not an endorsement, as you can well imagine. Stephen please welcome, former Vice President al gore. cheers and applause band playing stephen thank you so much for joining us tonight. Its great to be part of russia week. Stephen it is. It is. Speaking of which, i found out recently that youve got a very interesting history when it comes to Illicit Campaign help. laughter in 2000, you were prepping for the debates against george w. Bush yeah. Stephen and i understand you got the debate prep book or someone in your campaign did . Yeah, someone had stolen it, evidently, from the Bush Campaign and mailed it to my close friend tom downey who was going to be the bush standin and debate prep. Right. It wasnt mailed from moscow, but it was mailed from texas, somebody very unhappy with the Bush Campaign. Stephen but you didnt keep it. No, we immediately turned it over to the f. B. I. cheers and applause and tom recused himself from the whole debate process. Stephen now, did you think about the option of keeping it, winning the election and then blaming the whole thing on the secret service . laughter didnt occur to me at the time, but in retrospect no. laughter stephen you met putin in the 90s . In the 90s. He was deputy payor of st. Petersburg. The mayor was a former law professor, and Vladimir Putin was in charge of making sure all the details went right. Stephen what kind of impression did you get of the guy . Well, he seemed competent, but if somebody had told me at that point that he was going to be president of russia, i would have said, wow, im not i mean, i didnt really interact with him all that much, but he didnt immediately jump out as a future president. Stephen and if someone told you donald trump would be president of the United States, what would you reaction have been at the time . Yeah, less likely, absolutely. laughter applause stephen i want to point out here, for the youngens, we have a young demo here. 17 years ago when you did not become president of the United States, you went off alone for a while. Yes. Stephen and you changed your look. You grew a beard, you got hipster before hipster was hip. Yeah. Stephen would you recommend this to all of us . Should all of america just grow a beard and try to get over this . 18 of the American People really liked that look a lot, yeah. laughter stephen was there polling at the time . No, im kidding. Stephen was there polling at the time . Pros applause but i dont want to dissuade you from trying it, stephen. Stephen ive tried it. I cant do it. Its a little patchy. laughter now you are the only other living candidate who won the popular vote and did not become president to have the United States. Did you speak to mrs. Clinton after this . I did. I spoke to her after the elec