Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2017

That attractive. He called it a g6 at best. At one point the president asked me which one was the salad fork but i couldnt tell because they all looked so huge next to his hands. Its the late show with stephen colbert. Russia week tonight stephen welcomes james mcavoy, and comedian mateao lay featuring jon batiste and stay human. And stephen meeting with real life oligarch mikhail p prrks okohorov and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its stephen colbert. Stephen whooo cheers and applause thank you. Thank you very much, thank you, comrads wow. Somebody sounds like somebody that, this crowd sounds like they have been hitting the pickles and vodka out there. Welcome to the late show, everybody, im your host stephen colbert. Now if you watch the show if you watched the show last night im going to say all of you did. You remember you remember last night we were talking about how after seven years of promising over and over again to repeal and replace obamacare the bill died of terminal, they lied to everyone who voted for them. Not cheers and applause they did. They lied. Now not that big of a surprise that it didnt pass. The bill is less popular than the cereal parts of lucky charms. Or as i call them, disappointment between marshmallows. But trump wont take please, dont do this, it will cost us the mid terms for an answer. This morning trump tweeted, i will be having lunch at the white house today with republican senators concerning health care. They must keep their promise to america. Well, obviously at lunch applause you can do this lunch is where the deal is made. Thats the art of the deal. Okay, senator colins, i will trade you your Health Care Vote for my juice box and a pudin pack. Okay, all right. Now the president kicked off the event with some lighthearted bullying of one of the senators opposed to the bill, nevada dean heller. The other night i was very surprised when i heard a couple of my friends, my friends, they really were, and are, they might not be very much longer. But i think have i to get them back. Thats right well, no, you didnt go out there. This was the one we were worried about. But youre going to be, youre going to be. He wants to remain a senator, doesnt he . Stephen ha ha, hoho, oh, not sure if he does any more. Cuz if you are trying to remain a senator, your first choice really shouldnt be photographed having dinner with donald trump. And trump made it clear that it is not his fault. It is not his fault that this bill did not pass. Ive been here just six months. Im ready to act. I have pen in hand, believe me. Im sitting in that office. I have pen in hand. Stephen sir, i have no problem believing youre just sitting in the oval office with lets say pen in hand. And cheers and applause pen in hand. And i got to say. If you cant even bet this done, pretty soon your pen will be swinging in the wind. And trump went after the Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer for obstructing the bill. You know, you listen to schumer and before he even knew what the plan said shall, he was saying death, everyones going to die, death, death, death. Stephen now, to be fair, he was actually quoting Chuck Schumers hardcore met at band mall ig nant schumer mall ig did mall ig nent schumer. applause so nobody knows if this lean on them at lunchtime is going to work. But the president is hoping it lives up to its earlier tweet, the republicans never discuss how good their healthcare bill is. And it will get even better at lunchtime. The dems scream death as ocare dies. Oh my god, that last part is almost poetic. The dems scream death as ocare dies. Its actually iambic. No, its true what they say, if you leave a man way brain of a hundred monkeys in front of a keyboard long enough, eventually he will write shakespeare. applause cheers and applause the dems scream death as ocare dies. Alas, poor york, he was covered by trumpcare. applause got thorns on them. Oh, and theres yet another trumprussia scandal out there. After their Public Meeting at the g20, we just found out that trump had an undisclosed second meeting with Vladimir Putin. Really . How stupid can you be . You are in the middle of what could be the worst scandal in u. S. History. People think you colluded with the president of a hostile foreign power. Then you go out of your way to meet with him again and you dont tell anybody . Thats like if o. J. Does get out on parole and immediately goes glove shopping. laughter hey, they all filt. Look how well they fit. Jon he cant acquit, he cant acquit. Stephen now this meeting took place during a dinner at the g20 that was couples only. Not to be confused with g20 ladies night when merkels drink free. Now so far the white house of course has downplayed this meeting calling it a brief conversation at the end of dinner. Brief. Because after all, how long does it take to give someone your room key. Room 1101, bring a tarp. But allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. More on that tomorrow. But the meeting actually lasted as long as an hour. Gentlemen, if your collusion lasts longer than an hour, please consult the fbi. applause the white house statement goes on to say that the insinuation that the white house has tried to hide a second meeting is false, malicious and absurd. Strong words. And i think weve also found trumps reelection slogan. Trump 2020, false, malicious and an dured. Absurd. applause but but trump insists he didnt do anything wrong here tweeting fake news story of secret dinner with putin is sick and even a dinner arranged for top 20 leaders in germany is made to look sinnister. Mr. President , we are talking about a private dinner in germany for the people who control the world. It already looks sinnister. Sin is ter, fake news is making my fortress on skull island look evil, sad. You know what, heres the thing, heres the thing. I want to believe trump here. I really want to believe that the president of the United States is just shooting the breeze with a guy he is accused of colluding with for the second time that day for an hour. Vlad, what is your favorite animal to ride shirtless. You have one hour to answer. laughter but heres why it is hard. Heres why it is hard to believe him. Elys about everything. Elys about crowd size, voter fraud, till death do us part. He is the boy who cried wolf blitzer is fake news. This might actually be a nothing burger but every time they tell us it is a nothing burger it turns out to be a juicy quarter pounder with sleeves. applause . Jon oh, oh, oh stephen you i am choosing to believe that Nothing Happened this time. Have i to just to sleep at night. Because between health care, and the president playing foot see with the russians, every time trump speaks this is all i hear. Death, everyones going to die, death, death, death. Stephen we have a great show for you tonight. James mcavoy is here. And i sit down with an actual Russian Oligarch mikhail prokhorov. Stick around. And im an arborist with ipg e in the sierras. The drought in california has killed trees on a massive scale. Any of those trees that fail into power lines could cause a wildfire or a power outage. Public safety is the main goal of our program. Thats why were out removing these hundreds of thousands of hazard trees. Having tools and Technology Gives us a huge edge to identify hazard trees. My hope is that the work were performing allows that these forests can be sustained and enjoyed by the community in the future. Together, were building a better california. Stephen jon batiste and stay human. Welcome back, everybody. Folks, it is day three of russia week here at the late show. cheers and applause . Stephen one of the reasons i went to russia is because they have a strong man as a leader and we have a man who would like to seem strong. And if he succeeds, if were living under a strong man, russia has proven that the best thing to be is an oligarch, which is russian for rich guy, dont ask where his money came from. See, this is how things work over in russia. Over there the political system is controlled by wealthy elites who buy influence and pull strings of the government. Whereas in america, we speak english. The oligarchs, the oligarchs are business friends of Vladimir Putin who were given sweetheart deals to buy state owned resources after the collapse of the soviet union. I was hoping to meet one and also to not die. And we found the perfect guy. Mikhail prokhorov. Jim . Stephen in 1995, mikhail prokhorov, a friend of Vladimir Putin, struck gold in this case nickel because he was allowed to buy a state owned nickel mining conglomerate for just pennies on the nickel. 12 years later, the high flying bachelor high flew in his private jet to a french ski resort to party with 20 russian models who the French Police claimed were prostitutes, so they arrested him for le human trafficking. He was never charged, but it was so scandalous that reportedly putin forced him to sell his share of the nickel mine riiiiight before the World Economy drove off a cliff. So lucky micky here ends up with more than 9 billion. He has a jet, and a yacht so big it has its own yacht. He enjoys partying in ibiza, heliskiing and making rock videos of himself doing jet ski tricks. He ran for president in 2012, but he lost to putin. Which some say was the plan the whole time. Thats doing a bro a solid. Hes pals with jayz because he owns the brooklyn nets, the worst Basketball Team in the world. Prokhorov stands 68, and did i mention friends with putin . For some reason he invited me to his house outside moscow. And for some reason i went. Mikhail, thank you so much for talking to me today. My pleasure. Can i call you steve . Stephen yes. If you said no, you will never leave the country. Stephen thats hilarious. Okay. Tell me how to oligarch . Okay, great. Again funny joke, is it a joke . Nobody knows, in russia. Thats the funny part. W whats your weird quirk . Whats your eccentric thing where people go thats cool he is a billionaire. Do you, like, grow out your nails really long . No . Thats no. Stephen that seems fine. Do you, like, save your bodily fluids in jars . No. Stephen do you have exotic pets . Like a pet rhino . I watch reruns of the good wife, thats about all. Stephen whats the best thing to own if youre super rich . Do you have a yacht . Just a piece of advice for you, steve. Dont be attached to things. Be free. Stephen okay. But you do have a yacht, right . Yes, i have. Stephen okay. Do you have a jet . But i dont know where the heck it is. Stephen you dont know where your yacht is . No. Stephen this is why we cant have nice things. Do you have a sports team . Only brooklyn nets. Stephen more like the Brooklyn Nyets right . No. Stephen up top dont leave me hangin come on thanks. Now youre single. Whats a nice, successful, handsome guy like you doing single . Theres got to be a lot of people out there whod like to marry an oligarch. Thats true. Stephen okay. Have you just not found the right girl and 19 of her friends . I think its not easy. Stephen are there ladygarchs . Ive never met one. Stephen youve never met one . Never in my life. Stephen have you tried tinder . Not yet. Stephen let me set up your tinder profile. Youre gonna love this, okay. What are you looking for in a wife . Whats important to you . Love. Stephen love. All you need is love, stephen. Stephen and 9 billion. Alright, we need to put a line to describe yourself. Im gonna put down, i made my fortune mining, but i havent found my gem. Theyre gonna melt. Hobbies . Lets see, hobbies. Ill put down watching horrible, horrible basketball, oligarching youre gonna be beating them off with a stick. Were gonna find you the right girl. Okay. Stephen mikhail, if its possible i would love to get a tour of your house. My pleasure. Stephen shall we . Sure we have no secret rooms here. Stephen i didnt ask that which is odd. Is this where the magic happens . Is this where the magic happens . Oh, this is where the magic happens. Okay, what is this . You said there were no secret rooms. Its not secret. Stephen its not a secret . Its just another door. Stephen what is this . Its kalashnikov. Stephen ak47 can i just stand just me a picture of me and an oligarch holding an ak47 . Eventually when im brought up before the hague i want to look nice. Oh, japanese throwing stars. No, its oligarch throwing stars. Stephen oh, its oligarch throwing stars. Every eighth grade boy is like, when i grow up, im gonna have a secret room behind a wall and im gonna have japanese throwing stars and a ak47 and big pictures of naked ladies. Im gonna have a jet and a boat i dont even use. Thats like thats like thats this is your life. Youre living the perfect life of an eighth grade boy. Okay, mikhail do you know where you put the other one . Oh, this is a nice kitchen, lovely. Yeah, and i want you to show and to taste oligarch snack. Stephen oligarch snack . Like caviar . Bologna. Stephen so your snack is balogna are you sure you are not an 8yearold boy . Im sure. Stephen these are extraordinary. Its for sauna. Stephen this is the biggest yarmulke i have ever seen. Its the coolest hat there is, because were oligarchs. Its not a dumb hat at all. Can we touch, can we touch the tips . Not a lot of men are comfortable doing that. Oh, this is nice, you have photographs of some of your favorite boating accidents, thats good. Just to remind yourself be careful. Okay, lets throw some pies on and do this. No, no, its very traditional, this is not for you, its for simple people, not for oligarchs. Stephen are you afraid i will outbench you . No, no, for you i have special equipment not here, another place. Stephen i agreed to go see this special equipment, but first i ditched my suit for a new relaxed oligarch look. We headed off to a private school mikhail built so he could practice an ancient, obscure but deadly, tibetan martial art called tescao. So im not going to have to kill anybody . No. Stephen good. And you would tell me if i did right because were friends . Sure. Stephen okay. Because im not saying that i wouldnt i just dont know how to. Im new to this. Turns out this tescao place is the worlds most expensive tree fort. Designed to the highest tescao specifications. Filled with things like this, that do something one assumes. This is the coolest gymboree ive ever been to, what time is your mom picking you up . To be an oligarch you need to have balance and to for the balance, i mean oligarch balance you need balls. Stephen those i have, my friend. You are just making this up right . This is cool, it looks like dr. Seuss sex dungeon. Youll get it. I noticed the floor in this tescao training room is not even, why is that . You are oligarch now you are comfortable in any situation. Stephen oh, i see. I got to relax and just say this is how it is, and it doesnt bother me that it looks like the architect was smoking weed. Come on you have to give me something. Great. Stephen tescao cheers and applause have you ever trained in the full colbert . What you do is you on your back and relax your arms and legs and see how long you can hold it. But you have to breathe, though. You have get breathing i could go for some of that bologna. I thought id seen everything. But then the giant Russian Oligarch ordered me underground. Okay, and what is down there before i go down there . You are oligarch you are not afraid of anything. Stephen okay, whatever i am going down. This is where the chuck e. Cheese turned into the danger zone. Welcome to the red room of pain. Steve, this is lethal star. You can hit this in someone and try and hit them in the neck. Keep it. I show you. Stephen thats exactly what i was going for. Stephen alright here is the scenario, somebody is coming up behind me and trying to take my oligarchy away, but they dont know that i am trained in tescao. Okay, i am their Worst Nightmare right now because i have my stars, watch out. Excellent. Stephen tescao i want something bigger and sharper. Oh, yeah. Whats that . Stephen whats the advice . Just throw. Stephen just throw it, okay. Left foot forward, right foot forward. Any place. Stephen any place. Alright there is no training at all . Be natural. cheers and applause stephen how many people do tescao in the entire world . Maximum maybe 25. Stephen 25. So i am in the top 25 practitioners of tescao in the world . You are in the top three for sure. Stephen tescao how often do you do this . Everyday. Stephen this is your billionaire thing remember said is there one crazy that you do that no body else does, that seems normal because you are a billionaire. This is it you have a club house painted in dr. Seuss colors it has a dungeon in it where you throw axes at the wall. You are an honest to god oligarch are you sure . Stephen i am positive. I want in. Now you are on board. Stephen totally on board. Totally on board. Stephen thank you. I need some bologna. Some balance ownee am thank you, mikhail, thank you so much for showing me how to be an oligarch and for the cool hat. applause tomorrow our russia week continues. Join me tomorrow for my exclusive visit to moscows alleged president ial peepee suite, did two prostitutes pee on that bed, did one television host. Join us tomorrow to find out. Well be right back with the star of atomic blonde. applause with advil, youll ask what twisted ankle . What muscle strain . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. Stephen welcome back to the show. applause oh, folks youre in for a treat, my first guest is an actor best known for the last king of scotland, a toinment and of course as the professor x who isnt patrick stewart. Please welcome james mcavoy. applause how are you doing. Good to see you again. Thank you for having me on again. Stephen how have you been . Been good, busy, busy, busy. Stephen yeah. You dont have any hair. I know. I know. Stephen have you been shooting x. Ive been shooting x and im getting ready to shoot split which isnt split, it is something else. Stephen a sequel to split. A sequel to split, oh, thank you. applause . Stephen when you, when you get a haircut, do people hang out outside the barber to see how short it is going to be, to see if there is another xmen movie down the line. Because it gives it away unless you are plague the dalai lama. The the thing is when i first got my hair shaved nobody recognized me, nobody knew who i was, that was great. I was Walking Around montreal where we film xmen and it was like having fake glasses and mustache and nose on and all that stuff. Now when in split you take your hat off and everybody is likey,t was in that you know, hes the guy with the thing and the guy with and hes like yes, yes, can we get a picture. And im literally, have i been in the mids elf a tearful facetime conversation with like a Health Care Vote<\/a> for my juice box and a pudin pack. Okay, all right. Now the president kicked off the event with some lighthearted bullying of one of the senators opposed to the bill, nevada dean heller. The other night i was very surprised when i heard a couple of my friends, my friends, they really were, and are, they might not be very much longer. But i think have i to get them back. Thats right well, no, you didnt go out there. This was the one we were worried about. But youre going to be, youre going to be. He wants to remain a senator, doesnt he . Stephen ha ha, hoho, oh, not sure if he does any more. Cuz if you are trying to remain a senator, your first choice really shouldnt be photographed having dinner with donald trump. And trump made it clear that it is not his fault. It is not his fault that this bill did not pass. Ive been here just six months. Im ready to act. I have pen in hand, believe me. Im sitting in that office. I have pen in hand. Stephen sir, i have no problem believing youre just sitting in the oval office with lets say pen in hand. And cheers and applause pen in hand. And i got to say. If you cant even bet this done, pretty soon your pen will be swinging in the wind. And trump went after the Senate Minority<\/a> leader Chuck Schumer<\/a> for obstructing the bill. You know, you listen to schumer and before he even knew what the plan said shall, he was saying death, everyones going to die, death, death, death. Stephen now, to be fair, he was actually quoting Chuck Schumer<\/a>s hardcore met at band mall ig nant schumer mall ig did mall ig nent schumer. applause so nobody knows if this lean on them at lunchtime is going to work. But the president is hoping it lives up to its earlier tweet, the republicans never discuss how good their healthcare bill is. And it will get even better at lunchtime. The dems scream death as ocare dies. Oh my god, that last part is almost poetic. The dems scream death as ocare dies. Its actually iambic. No, its true what they say, if you leave a man way brain of a hundred monkeys in front of a keyboard long enough, eventually he will write shakespeare. applause cheers and applause the dems scream death as ocare dies. Alas, poor york, he was covered by trumpcare. applause got thorns on them. Oh, and theres yet another trumprussia scandal out there. After their Public Meeting<\/a> at the g20, we just found out that trump had an undisclosed second meeting with Vladimir Putin<\/a>. Really . How stupid can you be . You are in the middle of what could be the worst scandal in u. S. History. People think you colluded with the president of a hostile foreign power. Then you go out of your way to meet with him again and you dont tell anybody . Thats like if o. J. Does get out on parole and immediately goes glove shopping. laughter hey, they all filt. Look how well they fit. Jon he cant acquit, he cant acquit. Stephen now this meeting took place during a dinner at the g20 that was couples only. Not to be confused with g20 ladies night when merkels drink free. Now so far the white house of course has downplayed this meeting calling it a brief conversation at the end of dinner. Brief. Because after all, how long does it take to give someone your room key. Room 1101, bring a tarp. But allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. More on that tomorrow. But the meeting actually lasted as long as an hour. Gentlemen, if your collusion lasts longer than an hour, please consult the fbi. applause the white house statement goes on to say that the insinuation that the white house has tried to hide a second meeting is false, malicious and absurd. Strong words. And i think weve also found trumps reelection slogan. Trump 2020, false, malicious and an dured. Absurd. applause but but trump insists he didnt do anything wrong here tweeting fake news story of secret dinner with putin is sick and even a dinner arranged for top 20 leaders in germany is made to look sinnister. Mr. President , we are talking about a private dinner in germany for the people who control the world. It already looks sinnister. Sin is ter, fake news is making my fortress on skull island look evil, sad. You know what, heres the thing, heres the thing. I want to believe trump here. I really want to believe that the president of the United States<\/a> is just shooting the breeze with a guy he is accused of colluding with for the second time that day for an hour. Vlad, what is your favorite animal to ride shirtless. You have one hour to answer. laughter but heres why it is hard. Heres why it is hard to believe him. Elys about everything. Elys about crowd size, voter fraud, till death do us part. He is the boy who cried wolf blitzer is fake news. This might actually be a nothing burger but every time they tell us it is a nothing burger it turns out to be a juicy quarter pounder with sleeves. applause . Jon oh, oh, oh stephen you i am choosing to believe that Nothing Happened<\/a> this time. Have i to just to sleep at night. Because between health care, and the president playing foot see with the russians, every time trump speaks this is all i hear. Death, everyones going to die, death, death, death. Stephen we have a great show for you tonight. James mcavoy is here. And i sit down with an actual Russian Oligarch<\/a> mikhail prokhorov. Stick around. And im an arborist with ipg e in the sierras. The drought in california has killed trees on a massive scale. Any of those trees that fail into power lines could cause a wildfire or a power outage. Public safety is the main goal of our program. Thats why were out removing these hundreds of thousands of hazard trees. Having tools and Technology Gives<\/a> us a huge edge to identify hazard trees. My hope is that the work were performing allows that these forests can be sustained and enjoyed by the community in the future. Together, were building a better california. Stephen jon batiste and stay human. Welcome back, everybody. Folks, it is day three of russia week here at the late show. cheers and applause . Stephen one of the reasons i went to russia is because they have a strong man as a leader and we have a man who would like to seem strong. And if he succeeds, if were living under a strong man, russia has proven that the best thing to be is an oligarch, which is russian for rich guy, dont ask where his money came from. See, this is how things work over in russia. Over there the political system is controlled by wealthy elites who buy influence and pull strings of the government. Whereas in america, we speak english. The oligarchs, the oligarchs are business friends of Vladimir Putin<\/a> who were given sweetheart deals to buy state owned resources after the collapse of the soviet union. I was hoping to meet one and also to not die. And we found the perfect guy. Mikhail prokhorov. Jim . Stephen in 1995, mikhail prokhorov, a friend of Vladimir Putin<\/a>, struck gold in this case nickel because he was allowed to buy a state owned nickel mining conglomerate for just pennies on the nickel. 12 years later, the high flying bachelor high flew in his private jet to a french ski resort to party with 20 russian models who the French Police<\/a> claimed were prostitutes, so they arrested him for le human trafficking. He was never charged, but it was so scandalous that reportedly putin forced him to sell his share of the nickel mine riiiiight before the World Economy<\/a> drove off a cliff. So lucky micky here ends up with more than 9 billion. He has a jet, and a yacht so big it has its own yacht. He enjoys partying in ibiza, heliskiing and making rock videos of himself doing jet ski tricks. He ran for president in 2012, but he lost to putin. Which some say was the plan the whole time. Thats doing a bro a solid. Hes pals with jayz because he owns the brooklyn nets, the worst Basketball Team<\/a> in the world. Prokhorov stands 68, and did i mention friends with putin . For some reason he invited me to his house outside moscow. And for some reason i went. Mikhail, thank you so much for talking to me today. My pleasure. Can i call you steve . Stephen yes. If you said no, you will never leave the country. Stephen thats hilarious. Okay. Tell me how to oligarch . Okay, great. Again funny joke, is it a joke . Nobody knows, in russia. Thats the funny part. W whats your weird quirk . Whats your eccentric thing where people go thats cool he is a billionaire. Do you, like, grow out your nails really long . No . Thats no. Stephen that seems fine. Do you, like, save your bodily fluids in jars . No. Stephen do you have exotic pets . Like a pet rhino . I watch reruns of the good wife, thats about all. Stephen whats the best thing to own if youre super rich . Do you have a yacht . Just a piece of advice for you, steve. Dont be attached to things. Be free. Stephen okay. But you do have a yacht, right . Yes, i have. Stephen okay. Do you have a jet . But i dont know where the heck it is. Stephen you dont know where your yacht is . No. Stephen this is why we cant have nice things. Do you have a sports team . Only brooklyn nets. Stephen more like the Brooklyn Nyets<\/a> right . No. Stephen up top dont leave me hangin come on thanks. Now youre single. Whats a nice, successful, handsome guy like you doing single . Theres got to be a lot of people out there whod like to marry an oligarch. Thats true. Stephen okay. Have you just not found the right girl and 19 of her friends . I think its not easy. Stephen are there ladygarchs . Ive never met one. Stephen youve never met one . Never in my life. Stephen have you tried tinder . Not yet. Stephen let me set up your tinder profile. Youre gonna love this, okay. What are you looking for in a wife . Whats important to you . Love. Stephen love. All you need is love, stephen. Stephen and 9 billion. Alright, we need to put a line to describe yourself. Im gonna put down, i made my fortune mining, but i havent found my gem. Theyre gonna melt. Hobbies . Lets see, hobbies. Ill put down watching horrible, horrible basketball, oligarching youre gonna be beating them off with a stick. Were gonna find you the right girl. Okay. Stephen mikhail, if its possible i would love to get a tour of your house. My pleasure. Stephen shall we . Sure we have no secret rooms here. Stephen i didnt ask that which is odd. Is this where the magic happens . Is this where the magic happens . Oh, this is where the magic happens. Okay, what is this . You said there were no secret rooms. Its not secret. Stephen its not a secret . Its just another door. Stephen what is this . Its kalashnikov. Stephen ak47 can i just stand just me a picture of me and an oligarch holding an ak47 . Eventually when im brought up before the hague i want to look nice. Oh, japanese throwing stars. No, its oligarch throwing stars. Stephen oh, its oligarch throwing stars. Every eighth grade boy is like, when i grow up, im gonna have a secret room behind a wall and im gonna have japanese throwing stars and a ak47 and big pictures of naked ladies. Im gonna have a jet and a boat i dont even use. Thats like thats like thats this is your life. Youre living the perfect life of an eighth grade boy. Okay, mikhail do you know where you put the other one . Oh, this is a nice kitchen, lovely. Yeah, and i want you to show and to taste oligarch snack. Stephen oligarch snack . Like caviar . Bologna. Stephen so your snack is balogna are you sure you are not an 8yearold boy . Im sure. Stephen these are extraordinary. Its for sauna. Stephen this is the biggest yarmulke i have ever seen. Its the coolest hat there is, because were oligarchs. Its not a dumb hat at all. Can we touch, can we touch the tips . Not a lot of men are comfortable doing that. Oh, this is nice, you have photographs of some of your favorite boating accidents, thats good. Just to remind yourself be careful. Okay, lets throw some pies on and do this. No, no, its very traditional, this is not for you, its for simple people, not for oligarchs. Stephen are you afraid i will outbench you . No, no, for you i have special equipment not here, another place. Stephen i agreed to go see this special equipment, but first i ditched my suit for a new relaxed oligarch look. We headed off to a private school mikhail built so he could practice an ancient, obscure but deadly, tibetan martial art called tescao. So im not going to have to kill anybody . No. Stephen good. And you would tell me if i did right because were friends . Sure. Stephen okay. Because im not saying that i wouldnt i just dont know how to. Im new to this. Turns out this tescao place is the worlds most expensive tree fort. Designed to the highest tescao specifications. Filled with things like this, that do something one assumes. This is the coolest gymboree ive ever been to, what time is your mom picking you up . To be an oligarch you need to have balance and to for the balance, i mean oligarch balance you need balls. Stephen those i have, my friend. You are just making this up right . This is cool, it looks like dr. Seuss sex dungeon. Youll get it. I noticed the floor in this tescao training room is not even, why is that . You are oligarch now you are comfortable in any situation. Stephen oh, i see. I got to relax and just say this is how it is, and it doesnt bother me that it looks like the architect was smoking weed. Come on you have to give me something. Great. Stephen tescao cheers and applause have you ever trained in the full colbert . What you do is you on your back and relax your arms and legs and see how long you can hold it. But you have to breathe, though. You have get breathing i could go for some of that bologna. I thought id seen everything. But then the giant Russian Oligarch<\/a> ordered me underground. Okay, and what is down there before i go down there . You are oligarch you are not afraid of anything. Stephen okay, whatever i am going down. This is where the chuck e. Cheese turned into the danger zone. Welcome to the red room of pain. Steve, this is lethal star. You can hit this in someone and try and hit them in the neck. Keep it. I show you. Stephen thats exactly what i was going for. Stephen alright here is the scenario, somebody is coming up behind me and trying to take my oligarchy away, but they dont know that i am trained in tescao. Okay, i am their Worst Nightmare<\/a> right now because i have my stars, watch out. Excellent. Stephen tescao i want something bigger and sharper. Oh, yeah. Whats that . Stephen whats the advice . Just throw. Stephen just throw it, okay. Left foot forward, right foot forward. Any place. Stephen any place. Alright there is no training at all . Be natural. cheers and applause stephen how many people do tescao in the entire world . Maximum maybe 25. Stephen 25. So i am in the top 25 practitioners of tescao in the world . You are in the top three for sure. Stephen tescao how often do you do this . Everyday. Stephen this is your billionaire thing remember said is there one crazy that you do that no body else does, that seems normal because you are a billionaire. This is it you have a club house painted in dr. Seuss colors it has a dungeon in it where you throw axes at the wall. You are an honest to god oligarch are you sure . Stephen i am positive. I want in. Now you are on board. Stephen totally on board. Totally on board. Stephen thank you. I need some bologna. Some balance ownee am thank you, mikhail, thank you so much for showing me how to be an oligarch and for the cool hat. applause tomorrow our russia week continues. Join me tomorrow for my exclusive visit to moscows alleged president ial peepee suite, did two prostitutes pee on that bed, did one television host. Join us tomorrow to find out. Well be right back with the star of atomic blonde. applause with advil, youll ask what twisted ankle . What muscle strain . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. Stephen welcome back to the show. applause oh, folks youre in for a treat, my first guest is an actor best known for the last king of scotland, a toinment and of course as the professor x who isnt patrick stewart. Please welcome james mcavoy. applause how are you doing. Good to see you again. Thank you for having me on again. Stephen how have you been . Been good, busy, busy, busy. Stephen yeah. You dont have any hair. I know. I know. Stephen have you been shooting x. Ive been shooting x and im getting ready to shoot split which isnt split, it is something else. Stephen a sequel to split. A sequel to split, oh, thank you. applause . Stephen when you, when you get a haircut, do people hang out outside the barber to see how short it is going to be, to see if there is another xmen movie down the line. Because it gives it away unless you are plague the dalai lama. The the thing is when i first got my hair shaved nobody recognized me, nobody knew who i was, that was great. I was Walking Around<\/a> montreal where we film xmen and it was like having fake glasses and mustache and nose on and all that stuff. Now when in split you take your hat off and everybody is likey,t was in that you know, hes the guy with the thing and the guy with and hes like yes, yes, can we get a picture. And im literally, have i been in the mids elf a tearful facetime conversation with like a Family Member<\/a> or Something Like<\/a> that and people are like, a picture . And youre like, dude, you can see i got tears im crying, i aibt acting. Stephen that looks great on the instagram, keep the tears. You say you shoot in montreal. Yeah. Stephen we all know this because this photo got out. This is you and the cast of of xmen dark phoenix, the next one. And there you are. And the man right behind you is this dude right there, is justin trudeau. Yeah, yeah. He was really cool. And i looked at this picture the other day, right, and what i notice is that myself and my girlfriend lisa, were trying to do it. But nobody else is actually managing it. The only two French Canadians<\/a> in the picture are this man and this lady, samantha, right, sam. And they are the only people that smile with both sets of teeth showing. Do you notice that . People smile like this. And the thing is. Stephen their mouths are also open a little bit. Its this, its. Yeah. Stephen its like they are about to bite you. Yeah, with cool and with liberalism. Stephen yeah. And with all of that cool stuff. Stephen the question that this raises. Yeah. Stephen the question obviously this photo raises is what is Justin Trudeaus<\/a> xmen mutant power other than making us wish we lived in canada. Good hair, i would say. Stephen fantastic hair. All of your hair went to him. Yes. Stephen he sucked out other peoples hes like the rogue of hair styles. That is the only way i get my visa to work in canada, actually, can trudeau get your hair, done, i get my visa. Stephen speaking of hair, do you maintain yourself . Do you have a razor you maintain, do you do the work yourself . I no, if im not working i let it grow out. And every morning i go and work. And at the moment anik shaves my hair twice. Stephen twice a day, waxing, lotion, what goes on. No waxing, no lotion. Stephen no lotion. Well, maybe a little bit of moisturizer. Yeah. Actually, do you know what, i have had a tinted day cream on there once. Stephen a tinted day cream. I dont know if if you can notice, in a slightly neo nazi way, my face is darker than my skull. Strangely sort of ive never seen the sun kind of scalp thing which is whiter than while. And sometimes when im going out for dinner or whatever i feel a bit selfconscience about t and lets say have i not got the two days growth that i have right now strks even more blinding white, and slightly offputting for people who have an aversion to skin heads, so i put a little bit of tinted moisturizer, day cream on there. And suddenly people are like oh, youre like youre like patrick stewart, youre friendly, youre nice. People stop crossing the street. Stephen i like how you say tinted day cream. It sounds like something pltion mcgonagel will put in her tea. We have to take a break but will be right back with james mcavoy, stick around. 811 is a free service to keep our community safe. Before you do any project big or small, pg e will come out and mark your gas and electric lines so you dont hit them when you dig. Call 811 before you dig, and make sure that you and your neighbors are safe. 811 is available to any business our or homeownerfe. To make sure that you identify where your utilities are if you are gonna do any kind of excavation no matter how small or large before you dig, call 811. Keep yourself safe. Were back with james mcavoy. Now james, let me ask you this about professor x, character background work if you can reveal this, does the carpet match the lack of drapes . laughter applause were all adults here. The natural question for you to ask about my nethers. I actually did one down there when i was young. Stephen did you. I did, and i used my grandads razor. And my grand i that was a big old reaction. Stephen did he know . He found out. So it was i a bit abortive, i stopped halfway through, i thought this isnt working for me, and so you know, as you do. So i went upstairs to my bedroom and then i get this this voice from downstairs, my granny and grandad standing at the bottom of the stairs like james, james, son. Uhhuh, what is up, would you come downstairs and have a wee chat with us. I was like hearst, uh. Something went on. And they are like show us your wrists and i was like show us your writions work he just seen your grandads razor and there is blood in, there is blad in the toilet, show us your wrists shall son, show us your wrists. Theres nothing wrong with my wristsness. There is yog wrong am my wrists. They are like show us your wrists whichs like i was shaving my [bleep], that is a true story, that is a true story. applause . Stephen i can only imagine they said oh, so happy. No, they were very what . What . And it took awhile before they gave me the talk about hygiene and how my grandad uses that razor on his face. Stephen okay, okay. So much, there is so much to talk about but i want to talk about the movie atomic blond. In it you get your ass kicked. I do. Jon by charl ease theron, right . Charlize theron s that a pleasure on any level. It is a very great pleasure. There was actually a scene in the film where she kicks me in her bedroom and, it was my first sort of bit of fighting in the film. I only got three little bits of fighting in the film, we were going to rehearse it and the director said wes going to cut the fietding. And i was like oh, man, this sucks, there was a cool bit of fun fighting, sexy fighting and on the bed. We are just going to reorganize the scene, sitting down having a chat and the whole time i was like this sucks, the scene, it sucks now, its really, really bad. So i was quite depressed about it. I came in for my first bit of filming. They were like you know what, i put it back in i cannot tell you, had a pleasure surge. And you know what i am saying, where babies kind of like get overwhelmed with a feeling of goodness they kind of go i was like i was like that. Anyway, so we put this fight scene back in the film and im really pleased because it is a funny sort of fight scene. Stephen i think we are seeing part of it in this clip, right . Lets see. Stephen jim . Im not going to lie, im impressed. Youve got some balls breaking in here. You should see my [bleep], youll be really impressed. Ill take your word for it. Stephen and we return to the scene. I know, the scene, the scene of my life, really. The line that they cut that you didnt get to see was that i shaved them mief self myself w my grandads razor. Stephen directors cut. Yes. Stephen directors cut. applause . Stephen atomic blond premiers next friday, james mcavoy, everybody. Well be right back. Are stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest say former opera singer who now performs comedy all over new york city, please welcome mateo lane. applause hi, thank you so much, yes, i am gay. Thank you. All right, so i was in rome last year. I am of italian desent, graci, and normally when i go to italy im just in sicily stairing at my old relatives and they are like mange so i was in rome and i was like you know what, i want to have like a real date, like a dianne lane under the tus can sun moment, but then i went on a hookup, like no its hard to figure out who is gay and straight in italy, they all look gay there, like i pass for straight, thats a problem. But i met this guy, it was great, his name was francesco and he was like kind of he was in the closet so meeting up with him was really hard. He kept being like we have to meet at this place at this time. Like is this a drug deal . And then when i went to go meet him he was in like, they had the bar and then there was a shadow and he was just like under the shadow like this. I was like francesco and he was like come on italians are the most dramatic peel on the face of the planet. This was in the a date t was a full blown opera. We immediately started arguing which like who argues on a first date but i thought he should tell his parents that he was gay. And the word for gay in italian, by the way, is just gay with an italian accent so its just gaya. So while im yelling at me, speaking italian then we started making out and because he never had done this before, he started to lose it. So like at the end of our opera, he just like shoves me aside and starts screaming at himself and goes ay, francesco, what you have done it was great. But on american dates are you like oh, you have an older brother. laughter more guac please. I love italy, like great food but if you are a coffee drinker, italy is the best coffee in the world. And i hate we are stuck in america with starbucks, like its just i keep going, im like a baryted wife, i keep going back like hell change, but its just the same. I want into star bucks one time, they asked for my name to put on the back of the cup, she turned around, made my drink, came become, it said potatoe. laughter heres the thing. When you hear potatoe, you stop writing on the cup. laughter thats when you say, im sorry, i heard potatoe. laughter wow. What is your name . I mean what barista is like oh, the fifth poatd poat today fifth potatoe today one time i went in and i was wearing fake glasses. They had 2340 lenses in them but i was feeling myself, and went up to the well we should stop calling them baristas, they are just employees at star bucks, thats called shade. And i went up to them yes, yes, and i went up hi, she didnt even type, she looked at me and goes your glasses dont have any lenses in them. Okay, what was i going to say e oh my god, you are right, i thought this was a sbarro. Yeah, i know. And then her gay coworker wearing real glasses, by the way, i dont know why us gays there is always one gay working at star bucks, i dont know why why. If there is one gay, work will get done. If there is more than one gay, nothing gets done one gay is always manning a sinking ship, sue, hurry up, lets go, more muffins. Two gays, hau, what does she want. So he hears im wearing fake glass, hes got real glasses, just slitters into the conversation, and just plays the biggest victim. He goes i find it interesting that those who dont need glasses choose to wear them. laughter when we who need them have no choice. Okay, jafar. laughter and i just wanted my coffee so i was like can i get pie coffee and they doubled down, like why are wearing those glasses. So i said what i thought was very funny. I was like injure your job is as real as these glass. I know but listen, its a fake job. Barista is a fake job. Its a fake job in the same way i think a pharmacist is i fake job like oh, pharmacist why are you wearing lab coats there is no science happening back there. laughter no chemistry, youre not in injure jurassic park, you arent creating new dinosaurs, are you in the lowest form. One time i was in ohio talking about pharmacists and this guy stands up and goes i went to six years of pharmacy school, i was like what did you do for six years in starm see school, did you just put on a lab coat and your teacher was like, all right, everyone. How many pills do you see . Thank you so much. cheers and applause . Stephen mateo lane, you know what i could go for right now . Hmmm some sweet barbeque. over speaker or spicy we got a craving go go go crashing cravings in the crave van. Jacks gonna crash your crave here, try my barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger<\/a> with your choice of sweet or spicy barbeque sauce topped with bacon and onion rings. Thanks jack. Ha ha piece of cake. Oh, jack you crave it, we serve it. My new sweet or spicy barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger<\/a> and chicken sandwich. Crave van stephen thats it for the late show, everybody, join us tomorrow. I will take you to trumps moscow president ial suite, bring an open mind and a poncho. Plus jason baitman. And musical guest muse am now stick around for james corden. Good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group<\/a> at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from cheshire, england, give it up for your host, the one, the only","publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"archive.org","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","width":"800","height":"600","url":"\/\/ia600805.us.archive.org\/16\/items\/KPIX_20170720_063500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert\/KPIX_20170720_063500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert.thumbs\/KPIX_20170720_063500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert_000001.jpg"}},"autauthor":{"@type":"Organization"},"author":{"sameAs":"archive.org","name":"archive.org"}}],"coverageEndTime":"20240628T12:35:10+00:00"}