Jon batistend stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey laughter hey, everybody thank you very much. Welcome to the late show. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause piano riff as of friday, donald trump is on a 17day vacation at his golf club in bedminster, new jersey. Hes there to relax after months of grueling golf at maralago. laughter but heres the deal. Hes working on it. But the president swears hes not taking it easy, tweeting working in bedminster, n. J. , as long planned construction is being done at the white house. This is not a vacation meetings and calls cheers and applause piano riff meetings and calls meeting call meeting and calls wow both of them trump has to do all that during his vacation . Man, i would not want to work for Vladimir Putin. laughter top boss top, top ugsk master cheers and applause over the weekend, footage leaked of the president taking one of his high level meetings a summit of new jerseys top bridesmaids. audience reacts thats also what trump says when he visits eastern europe. Wheres the bride . Come on. Cough her up. Lets go blonde this time. laughter and trumps buddy Vladimir Putin is also taking a break. Hes in siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun. Though he later claimed the fish were killed by ukrainian separatists. laughter i just want to say, though, mr. Putin, forest camo doesnt work under water. applause the fish can see you who killed your brother stan . It was an entire forest with a spear gun laughter i guess in that scenario it was a mother talking to one fish, and the fishs brother was named stan in that scenario. Of course, since its putin, he also released photos of himself chilling by the river. cheers and applause man, those sanctions have already devastated their shirt industry. Gotta say, compared to trump that looks like a vacation. I would love to go on a brodown fishing trip with Vladimir Putin. Ill bet it would be so much fun that id never come back. laughter piano riff applause of course, trump needs a vacation because his poll numbers have reached a new low. Only 33 of voters approve of the job hes doing. 33 . As meatloaf said, two out of three aint bad, but one out of three sucks. laughter cheers and applause piano riff thats a friend of his, right . Meatloaf is a friend of his. Jon meatloaf is a friend. Stephen and with the president s Approval Ratings plummeting, some have their eye on trumps job, including current Vice President and dad who has a favorite marching band, mike pence. laughter the New York Times claims pence is preparing for a run in 2020, citing the fact that pence has created his own Political Action committee. This is not normal. In fact, trump confidante and man calling to have you killed, roger stone, tweeted, no Vice President in modern history had their own pac less than six months into the president s first term. Hmmmm. laughter yes, hmm no veep has acted this suspiciously since Grover ClevelandsVice President eustace p. Mcbackstabby. laughter plus, in june, pence spoke at one of the most important yearly events for iowa republicans, senator joni ernsts pig roast. Very important. Though it does alienate all the jewish republicans in iowa. laughter surprise pence isopular in iowa, since he is one of the original children of the corn. laughter cheers and applause it was good. It was good. But yesterday, pence issued this strong denial, todays article in the New York Times is disgraceful and offensive to me, my family and our entire team. Whatever fake news may come our way, my entire team will continue to focus all our efforts to advance the president s agenda and see him reelected in 2020. Any suggestion otherwise is both laughable and absurd. Yeah, hes definitely running. laughter cheers and applause hes definitely, definitely running, without a doubt. But trumps not worried. This morning he tweeted, the trump base is far bigger and stronger than ever before, despite some phony fake news polling, look at rallies in penn, iowa, ohio. And West Virginia. The fact is the fake news russian collusion story record stock market, border security, military strength, jobs. Supreme court pick, economic enthusiasm, deregulation and so much more have driven the trump base even closer together. Will never change dont jinx yourself. Reminds me of custers famous speech, this is the first of many successful stands. laughter cheers and applause and before he unplugged, trump needed one last hit off the base, so he went to West Virginia to stir the populist pot. Most people know there were no russians in our campaign. There never were. Have you seen any russians in West Virginia or ohio or pennsylvania . Are there any russians here tonight . Any russians . Stephen okay, no russians. So trump is replacing the cia with an informal show of hands. Anybody here gay . No . Okay. Gay people dont exist. cheers and applause mike pence was right. laughter and trump made it clear that this trump rally was not about him. Since our election, not mine, since our election, we are working every single day to heed and honor the will of those millions and millions of voters who came out and voted for us. Not for me, they voted for us. Stephen yes, they voted for us. Okay. So us better lawyer up because were in some deep doo doo. applause speaking of deedee laughter fox news. laughter the Huffington Post is reporting that cohost of the specialists and guy whos cologne you can smell through the tv, eric bolling, sent coworkers an unsolicited photo of male genitalia via text message. Oh, my god. Whatever happened to Old Fashioned courtship when a gentleman would telegraph his genitalia . Here is my penis. Stop. Stop sending me your penis. Stop. Seriously, stop. Stop. Bolling piano riff has been suspended while fox news investigates. But he denies the charges. Sort of. According to his lawyer, mr. Bolling recalls no such inappropriate communications. He doesnt recall . How do you forget sending someone your bits and pieces . Did i leave the lights on . Did i turn off the stove . cheers and applause did i leave the water running the tub . Did i send multiple penis pics to my coworkers . laughter jon i dont know, i dont know. Stephen now, a lot of people are calling bolling a hypocrite because of what he said about disgraced congressman, and the chuck yager of bleep snaps anthony weiner. He is a sick human being to continue to do this time and time again, continue to get caught, saying hes not going to do it again, gets caught again. Stephen you know what they say about people who live glass housesits easy to show your junk to the whole nehborhood. laughter piano riff cheers and applause and i gotta say, its an apt metaphor. And its not a crazy metaphor. This weekend, former fox contributor, caroline heldman, accused bolling of sexually harassing her as well, writing once, he took me up to his office in new york, showed me his baseball jerseys and, in the brief time i was there, let me know that his office was his favorite place to have sex. And keep in mind, bollings office is entirely made up of glass and the view into it is unobstructed. Do not bring grandma on the fox news tour. laughter all right, everybody this way. Okay, this way. Come on, keep up, everybody. Lets go. Keep up. Okay. On your left, theres the news desk with bret baier. On your right, youll see. Is someone pressing a shaved squirrel against that glass . Oh god laughter shaved squirrel. Now, nobody knows how this is going to end i know laughter but bollino does have a fallback position, telling an interviewer, when the lights go down on my tv career, the next step is running for senate. So get ready for bolling 2018. Though the lawn signs will have to be blurred. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. band playing laura dern is here. But when we return, i have an Important Message for millennials. I make it easy to save 600 on car insurance, so being cool comes naturally. Hmm. I cant decide if this place is swag obling. Its pretzels. Word. Ladies, you know when you switch, you get my bombdiggity discounts automatically. No duh, right . [ chuckles ] sir, you forgot keep it. Youre gonna need it when i make it precipitate. What, what . What . What, what . Whats going on here . Im babysitting. Thatll be 50 bucks. You said 30. It was 30 before the ordering pizza fee and the dog sitting fee. Who is she, verizon . With tmobile® taxes and fees are already included, so you get four lines for just 40 bucks each. New deep hydrating eye gel with hyaluronic acid born to outperform the 1. Prestige eye cream for better hydration. And your best look yet. Olay eyes collection. Ageless. As a dancer, i love being able to pass on everything i know. One thing ive learned is that when all eyes are on me, i cant have any doubts. Especially when it comes to what im wearing. It needs to fit my body just right. Looking good on stage is one thing. But real confidence comes from feeling good out there. Try the premium fit of depend silhotte briefs. Get a free sample at depend. Co try the premium fit of dependthe Samsung Galaxy s8 get threeat best buy. Lars off cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, ladies and gentlemen give it up for the band cheers and applause hey welcome back, everybody you know, the best part of doing this job is forming a genuine connection with all my viewers. Who are between age 18 and 35 with disposable income. Angel soft comfort where you want it. laughter like your butt. piano riff those people are called millennials people born between 1980 and the early 2000s. Not to be confused with Eastern European women trapped in the white use. Those are melanials. laughter applause very different. piano riff advertisers are dying to understand millennials. And i can help them because i speak millennial. This is the late shows w. T. F. Is up with millennials, my homedogs. Scooter emoji a. F. A. F. , of course, stands for also friendly. I recently learned some new millennial secrets from the hippest news source around the wall street journal. The journal, or wizjourn, as the kids call it, published i think, right . I think thats it. Jon i call it wizjourn, thats great. Stephen okay, the wizjourn publish quotes from corporate c. E. O. s about what their research tells them millennials like. The first ones obvious. Millennials love the word old. Turns out it was a compliment when those teens chased me down the street yelling, you suck, old man laughter and my c. E. O c. E. Bros have also discovered that millennials are moving to the suburbs and that they love grilling because, according to corporate research, millennials are over indexing on charcoal. Overindexing. Okay . Listen, kids. Be careful. Charcoal starts innocently enough. Maybe hit the smoky joe on the weekends, next thing you know, youve got a threebagaday kingsford habit. laughter applause okay . Yeah, yeah. Jon that charcoal will get ya. Selflighting, you end up with selflighting lung. laughter but ths not all the pluggedin c. E. O. S know millennials totally vape over authentic things like snacking, pets, and movie tching. laughter wow. That is some cutting edge Market Research. My sources tell me that millennials enjoy sex and oxygen. laughter often at the same time. Okay. Yeah. Its called the sexoball. laughter applause even more mindblowing, the c. E. O. Of hersheys discovered millennials are interested in flavors and textures. laughter yeah, flavors and textures. Which is why hersheys has immediately halted production on lil blandies. laughter and, of course, millennials love the Employment Trend of temp jobs and freelancing known as the gig economy. As one c. E. O. Put it, its a lifestyle choice for the millennials. Yes, millennials love choice. Specifically, the choice between starving and being able to afford flavors and textures. applause as a certified laminated millennialknower, all this rings true. Or as my millennial friends would say, keep runnin, old man thats why ive combined all this onthepulse Market Research into the ultimate millennial product. Presenting old hot dog. laughter its from our heritage selection of charcoalindexed beef texturing, old hot dog is served on a reclaimed plank of suburban laughter cheers and applause piano riff old hot dog is served on a reclaimed plank of suburb picket fence and is the perfect snack to strs eat between gigs on uber and task rabbit. laughter mmmmmm bracke audience reacts flavor and texture jon oh back with laura dern your babys chubby little hand latches onto your finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. Take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. Introducing the new moto z with moto mods. Hello moto. 321 liftoff gasps oh cheering buy the new moto z with shattershield, and youll get a free projector mod. Hello moto. How was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. And i am a senior Public Safety my namspecialist for pg e. My job is to help educate our First Responders on how to deal with natural gas and electric emergencies. Everyday when we go to work we want everyone to work safely and come home safely. I live right here in auburn, i absolutely love this community. Once i moved here i didnt want to live anywhere else. I love that people in this community are willing to come together to make a difference for other peoples lives. Together, were building a better california. Stephen folks, youve seen my first guest tonight in everything from Jurassic Park to wild to twin peaks. Shes now nominated for an emmy for her performance in hbos Big Little Lies. Please welcome, laura dern cheers and applause band playing oh, my god stephen nice to see you again. Im so thrilled to see you and so star struck. This is amazing. Stephen are you kidding . The feeling is mutual, then. The reason i can feel comfortable in life, i have you to watch and calm me down. Stephen oh, thats nice. cheers and applause band playing stephen i had a nice opportunity to have dinner with you in may. We were both invited to the met gala here, very fancy thing. Amazing. I was sitting between you on my left and megyn kelly on my right. Yes. Stephen very different conversations. Yes. laughter that was amazing. I was thrilled by our table. We had the amazing john kern to our left and as people were coming up talking about selfies and fashion and isnt it amazing and so gorgeous, i remember we engaged in a conversation about psoriasis, which i really enyed. It somehow became our tab conversation, i was, like, its real life. Stephen everybody is doing it now. Everybody wants to talk about psoriasis these days. laughter you have a very busy year. I dont know why you have time to go to dinners because Big Little Lies, twin peaks, youre in the upcoming star wars movie. cheers and applause im excited, too. Stephen one of the incredible things about you is i mean, ive known of your work since probably blue velvet was the thing i saw you in 1986. Yeah applause stephen citizen ruth, youre playing a huffer. That was type casting. laughter stephen how do you avoid being type cast . Whats your trick . I think being raised by actors. Both my parents are actors and my father bruce stern who started being known as the bad guy in westerns. Stephen yeah, cowboys. Yeah, and i remember when i was a kid, my parents said if you want to be an actor, be a chameleon, try different things. And they loved playing flawed people to cause empathy for human behavior, and i like to shake it up. Stephen your first for martin scorsese, what did he have you do . He had me eat an ice cream cone. We did 17 takes. It was for the full alice doesnt live here anymore. My mom was, you will never be an actress, telling me its not the easiest job, its complicated for women, i heard all these things and scorsese walked over and said, that cud j ate 17 ice cream cones and didnt tow up, shes got to be an actor. I was, like, thank you, mr. Scorsese so that was good. applause stephen now, your mom discouraged you to be a an actress. When did she give in . I think i was so determined. My daughter is in the dressing room, dont get any ideas. Around my daughters age, 11, 12, i became far more vigilant. Stephen 15, you became emancipated . Im not sure what that term means. Which can mean many things. Stephen from your parents. In my case, it was somewhat boring. I was working on films and, therefore, i could not do as much school hours and work longer hours. Stephen is there a regal process where you become emancipated . Yeah, i should have used it much to my advantage and didnt. Stephen so could you, like, take a part without getting your parents permission and stuff like that . In theory. I basically was deemed a rebel with no rebellious bone in my body. Stephen did you throw it in your moms face and say, you cant tell me what to do, im emancipated . Only now that im in my 40s. Shes, like, let me tell you something i say, you should have told me that when i was 16. You wasted it. Stephen you play vice admiral holdo. You have pinkpurple hair and a matching dress. Yes. Stephen can you tell us anything a