laughter applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Christoph Waltz. Chris odowd. And sean evans. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo thanks, everybody. Please, sit down. Thank you so much. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for that. Thank you for that. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Now i. cheers and applause i know a lot of people tune into this show on a nightly basis to get their news and information. They count on me to be a straight shooter, okay, with a calm voice. I dont want to be alarmist. Were all going to die. laughter because u. S. Intelligence believes that north korea is now making missileready nuclear weapons. My god, dennis rodman, did you do nothing . laughter but dont worry. The story gets worse because over the weekend, the u. N. Security Council Voted 150 to sanction north korea. And in response, north korea warned that they are ready to teach the u. S. A severe lesson with its nuclear strategic force, adding that other countries were not being threatened. What . How is that fair . Other countries are not . It was 15 countries. Were just one of the 15 countries. Why just us . Look, north korea, stop trying to make us a thing. Im not saying what we have is special, but its not exclusive. The united states, we sanction a lot of other countries. We sanctioned russia just last week, and it felt pretty great. They threaten us. They threaten us, okay listen, listen. They threaten us in a way you never will. You should see the size of their missiles. You know what, maybe im just saying. Maybe you should start threatening other countries, too. Get out there. Who knows . Maybe the country you really want to annihilate has been right in front of you the whole time. laughter now, this is the level of north koreas present paranoia they described this u. N. Vote against them as packs of wolves are coming in attack to strangle a nation. So in this metaphor, the u. S. And our allies are wolves . Has kim jongun ever seen a wolf . Because stranglings not really their thing. laughter aaarrgghhh stop it stop it stop it that tickles that tickles laughter i keep them now thankfully, faced with the greatest challenge of his presidency, donald trump stepped up, and in a moment of pure statesmanship, deescalated the rhetoric and brought calm to our worried nation. laughter im just kidding. He said this north korea best not make any more threats to the united states. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen. He has been very threatening, beyond a normal statement. And as i said, they will be met with fire, fury and, frankly, power, the likes of which this world has never seen before. laughter applause cheers and applause laughter stephen shut up just shhhh okay . Youre going to get us all killed, and i just started the handmaids tale. laughter you know kim jonguns crazy, right . Hes a loose cannon. Like mel gibson in lethal weapon. Also, that one time he got pulled over. laughter now, look, the one ray of hope here is that im not sure whether to believe trumps Nuclear Saber rattling, and neither are you, because a poll came out today that found threequarters of americans say they cant trust most of what they hear from the white house. I dont blame them. I dont blame them. cheers and applause people are applauding profound doubt in their government. laughter i dont blame them for not trusting them. The white house has made a lot of questionable claims. For instance, the crowd size at the inauguration, the obama wiretapping, and theres no way steve bannon is that flexible. laughter but heres the thing, heres the thing while only 24 of Americans Trust what they hear from the white house, trumps Approval Rating in the poll is 38 . That means 14 of voters enjoy being lied to. And i just want to say if any of those people are tuning in right now, i just want to say, everything is going to be fine. laughter cheers and applause what else . Lighter news. Lighter news. Oh, the world is burning. The New York Times just published a report on the drastic impact of Climate Change on the u. S. , which says evidence for a changing climate abounds, from the top of the atmosphere to the depths of the oceans. And americans are feeling the effects of Climate Change right now. Its kind of detailed, so they also released this video summary. screaming hes okay. Hes okay. Hes all right. That was a stunter. That wasnt the actual earth. We wouldnt do that to the actual earth, i promise you. Unless the ratings would be really good. But heres the crazy thing this is an unreleased, asyetunapproved government report but it was released and leaked because the times says out of can the fear the Trump Administration could change or suppress the report. So, we now live in a world where Climate Science has to be leaked. Where are we going to get our weather from. Its going to be unseasonally warm this weekend. High in the low 90s. On sunday youll want to bring in an umbrella. You didnt hear it from me. Stephen now, if you want to know more about how were destroying our environment, you can read all about it in the massive 600page interagency document which i have right here and, which, in hindsight, i should not have printed out. Sorry. Thats on me. applause thats on me. Jon thats a big old document. applause stephen and the thing is, these scientists are not totally crazy to think the administration might kill this just because just yesterday, we learned the department of agriculture issued a memo instructing staff to avoid using certain terms. Apparently, Climate Change is in the avoid category. Yes, Climate Change should be in the avoid category so we can stay out of the dead category. Apparently, Climate Change and Climate Change adaptation, are to be replaced by weather extremes and resilience to weather extremes. And the term reduce Greenhouse Gases has been blacklisted in favor of build soil organic matter. Gliewd audience booo stephen do pants count as organic matter . Because todays news is making me build soil in them. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Christoph waltz is here. But when we return, surfing dogs i promise stick around. Dj hey siri, remind me to dominate relentlessly today. Csiri okay, ill remind you. [door crashing] [reminder ding] dj already on it. [siri ding] woman so this happened. Zoe brought over some limearitas to avas rooftop and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. Thats elyse busting out her dance move from summer of 08. Looks like were staying here tonight. Limearita. Make it a margarita moment. Limearita. This blue goo leaves a residue quit playin with my eyes,ghter. Goo. So, seventh generation developed this powerful natural detergent it gets your clothes clean. Really clean. Buh bye blue goo, and come clean with seventh generation. In our house, we go through a lot of mom et paper. So we switched to new charmin super mega roll. Get six regular rolls in one with charmin super mega roll our longest lasting roll. Guaranteed to fit. Enjoy the go with charmin. [l vwho can turn the worldan jeton with her smile . S who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile . Well its you girl, and you should know it. With each glance and every Little Movement you show it. Youre gonna make it after all. It takes a long time to get to the top. Youre gonna make it after all. But with americas best youre gonna make it after all. Bumpertobumper limited youre gonna make it after all. Warranty, the allnew Volkswagen Tiguan will be there every step ow of the way. Dj siri ok, 10 minutes andr 10 counting. Es. Chef ludo je sens ce que the rock mijote. Dj man everything does sound better in french. Dj gimme some, chef. [siri ding] dennys your house. Rries and cream pancakes are in the house. With new dennys online ordering, get whatever you want, whenever you want, now wherever you want. Order at dennys. Com band playing cheers and applause stephen give it up for jon batiste and stay human right over there. cheers and applause jon, jon, jon. Man alive. Jon, i am very excited for tonights show. In a minute were going to have Christoph Waltz out here. cheers and applause were going to have chris odowd is here. And also, at the end of the show, im excited and kind of scared, because weve got a guy named sean evans on the show from from the show hot ones, from first we feast. This is on youtube. You see this guy . He eats the hottest wings legally allowable by law. And im going to eat the wings tonight and hes going to interview me. Im going to eept the wings. Ask me if i like hot food. Jon do you like hot food . Stephen i do not. This is going to be exciting. This is going to be exciting. It is going toon a roller coaster in my elementary canal. Information, where were we, right over here . Now, despite all the troubling news today, august is traditionally the slowest news cycle of the year. And Networks Often fill out their broadcasts with fluffier stories. Well, yesterday, one anchor for the bbc just could not fake interest. Now youre watching bbc news. Bear in mind, it is august. This does not look like a walk in the park. Dog owners and their pets in california have hit the waves in the Second Annual world dog surfing championships. Here are the pictures. Theres also style. Theres confidence. Theres the size of the waves. sighs the competitors main challenge is to stay afloat on the board. This is in pacifica, near san francisco. But there are also prizes for the bestdressed and tandemsurfing dogs, the winner, of course, being crowned top dog. Thats a shame. Weve run out of pictures. laughter . Stephen triewlt embodiment of that old british saying, keep calm and lose the will to live. But bbc anchors always struggle this time of year. Take a look at this bbc clip from just this morning. This is the bbc, and the august news cycle continues. sighs youve heard of spring cleaning, but raccoon cleaning . This out of montana. A raccoon inexplicably named mr. Spaghetti, has learned to sweep the floor. Wonders never cease. According to sources, the video has gone god help me toets epically megaviral. Oh, are we out of raccoon pictures already . Pity. Please, no one alert the nobel committee. laughter in other news, i went to cambridge for this. Oh, were getting more news in just now. An alligator in florida isnt just coldblooded. Hes also do i have to say this . I do or im fired . A cool dude. Floridians are celebrating after a pair of sunglasses has fallen on to an alligator. The locals have dubbed him king bad ass and have announced plans to elect him mayor. Its come to this, ladies and gentlemen the british broadcasting corporation, the network that brought you the partition of india is now reporting on animals wearing clothes oh, god my wife hates me. My children dont respect me. My life is a waste laughter wait, what . Wait. We have breaking news. Real news out of the rogue north korean regime, it appears that in the capital pyongyang, a dalmatian has learned to ride a tricycle bloody hell, thats brilliant look at him go stephen thanks for that report. Well be right back with Christoph Waltz. Stick around. cheering dont worry. Its the new moto z with shattershield. The lincoln summer invitation is on. Its time for a getaway. Now get our best offers of the season. On the agile mkc. On the versatile midsize lincoln mkx. Or go where summer takes you in the exhilarating mkz. The lincoln summer invitation sales event. Ask about complimentary pick up delivery servicing. Right now get zero percent apr plus 1,000 dollars Summer Savings on the lincoln mkx, mkc and mkz advil liquigels minis. Our first concentrated pill that rushes powerful relief. A small new size thats fast, cause its liquid. Woohoo youll ask, what pain . New advil liquigels minis. Better than a manual, and my hygienist says it does. But. Theyre not all the same. Turns out, theyre really. Different. Who knew . I had no idea. So, she said look for. One thats shaped like a dental tool with a round. Brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to. Gently remove more plaque and. Oralb crossaction is clinically proven to. Remove more plaque than sonicare diamondclean. My mouth feels so clean. Ill only use an oralb the 1 brand used by dentists worldwide. Oralb. Brush like a pro. When you switch to progressive. Winds stirring. Too treacherous for a selfie. [ camera shutter clicks ] sure, ive taken discounts to new heights with safe driver and paperless billing. But the prize at the top is worth every last breath. Here we go. [ grunts ] got em. Ahh. Wait a minute. Whole wheat waffles . [ crying ] why wait a minute. Whole wheat waffles . The Samsung Galaxy s8 get threeat best buy. Lars off band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a twotime oscar winner you know from inglorious basterds and django unchained. He now stars in tulip fever. I have decided to engage the services of a portrait painter. Painter. He has found an artist. His name is juan manue django he is one of the most promising Young Artists in amsterdam. Theyll say look there at that lucky old dog. Didnt he have a lovely young wife . Stephen please welcome Christoph Waltz cheers and applause . Stephen youre the guest. Thanks so much for being here. Weve never before. Its lovely to have you on the show. Thank you. Its one of the nicest places i can meet people who i can hire. Who were you, walter keene in big eyes. You started your life not as a frightening person, though. You played a lot of sort of serrifying people. No, no, i started as a frightening person and then i was kind of, you know, put into shape. Stephen oh, oh, is that what they do in austria, they put you into shape . Yeah. You dont fit the lederhosen, otherwise. Stephen do you have pictures of you in lederhosen . Of course,. Stephen i have pictures of me in lederhosen. Really. Stephen we should trade some time or start a website. You see, we are more traditional about this. Americans are more outgoing. Were kind of very, very contained and private. Hence the, you know stephen oh, no, i know. Ive been to vienna, your home town. I love it. So do i. Its fantastic. I want to be buried there. Stephen ultimate to be buried there . Yeah. Stephen how about anything between now and death . laughter . A true viennese doesnt think that way. Stephen what do you mean . We dont think about the big in between. We think about birth in order to be able to think about death. laughter its true by the way. Stephen really . Why do you think freud invented all this stuff in i vienna. Stephen the birth canal into a hole. Keep it light. Its a latenight show. I totally like that. I like that postpone of view. We are obsessed with death but with the beauty and celebration. Funerals are the happiest of occasions. Stephen what does that make to the years in between . Does that make the years in between because you came from nothingness, and you return to nothingness, or is it you return back to the oneness with god . Is it a religious thing or merely secular . No, no, its just fun. laughter . Stephen is it fun in between because its carefree and we know were going to die so let it rip . Kind of, yes. Thats whole joke about catholicism, isnt it. Stephen almost everyone in austria is catholic, 99 . 99. 9. Stephen thats absolutely true. And you were an altar boy, right . You know, thats what you do. You dont have a choice glifs an altar boy, too, for 11 years. But you had a choice. Stephen no. laughter the youngest of 11 children. I had no choice. Sorry, i didnt know. Stephen i was whipped into service. There you gr, same thing. Stephen did you enjoy it at all . I said this to some of the my guests who were altar boys. I liked being on stage. That was my First Experience with performing. For me its a little different. Im manufacture a film person, even though i did a lot of stage. I was missing the opportunity to repeat sorry, can i do that. Stephen no, youve got to be exactly right for the priest. I had a polish guy, you know, and the polishes priests are a little sharper than the rest. And he always put me i was afraid of him so i made even more mistakes. When to ring. In the end we hid behind the big armoire and drank his wine. laughter stephen they believe. Correct me if im wrong thats a mortal sin. laughter we had we didnt have a polish priest, but our bishop, we had a german bishop. And we called him our german sheppard. And i was terrified of him. I was terrified of him. Well, i can see that. Stephen did you ever serve for a bishop . Because its a different mass when you serve for a bishop. Yeah, but i was not prominent enough. Stephen you werent first string . No. Stephen wow, you were a weak link on the altar . Yes, an understudy. Stephen you even had to wait fair while to break out as an alter boy. You have this amazing career how old were you when inglorious basterds happened . Really young, 52 yeah, i think 52. Stephen so what is it like, because you won an oscar for that. You also won an oscar did you win an oscar for django unchained. Stephen exactly right. You were exactly right about you. Youre not just somebody who is unknown . You were known worldwide at the age of 52. Were you prepared for that . Yes. The theatericality of it all. Its not different from mass. Stephen you know, vienna is amazing. Its an amazingly theatrical place in a way. For people who dont know if you havent been, you should go. People always say, why did you like it so much . Its like rome if rome fell but never burned pup get the sense of all the empire but nothing is destroyed. Things were rebuilt, i guess after the war. St. Stephens cathedral, its an incredible place. It certainly is. In all seriousness, it was one of the most beautiful cities in the world. And its an old one. It was a roman garrison, and it went all the way to today. And lets see what, you know, the future brings because politically, theyve traditionally, politically, theyre a little. Stephen to the right . Oh, i should say so. laughter . Stephen you can have f