Its friday we deserve it. We deserve this friday in ways we dont often. Now, i hope you had a good week. But i know that you havent because i live here, too. Now, of course, for my jewish friends, good shabbos. To jared and ivanka, happy most awkward sabbath dinner ever. Okay, lets go around the table and Say Something were thankful for this week. Dad, were going to skip you this time. Get you double next time. See and i cant believe i have to say this the president has been taking heat all week for being an apologist for some people attending a neonazi rally. I just want to say, tom arnold, if you have those outtakes of trump saying the n word on the apprentice, maybe release them now before he screams it at the turkey pardoning in november. It could happen. Jon we dont know. It could be coming. Stephen we dont know. laughter speaking of rallies, i just found out today, or yesterday trump tweetannounced to join me at 7 00 p. M. On tuesday, august 22, in phoenix, arizona, at the Phoenix Convention center now, a giant trump rally whipping people up might sound like a bad idea in these emotionallycharged times, but remember, its phoenix, so its a dry hate. Its better. Its better. applause yeah, yeah. Yeah all right. And i think im not sure why hes holding a rally this time. Does it have a purpose . Is he talking about something. I think hes doing it because he needs to be with friends. Because hes lost some this week. Since monday, eight c. E. O. s have resigned from trumps Manufacturing Council, including Denise Morrison applause yeah. Include Denise Morrison of campbells soup. And im being told we have a statement from her spokesperson. No soup for you laughter cheers and applause okay . Yeah. Simple. Simple declarative. That is one nazi we can all get behind. laughter now, morrison had some harsh words for trump on her way out racism and murder are unequivocally reprehensible and are not morally equivalent to anything else that happened in charlottesville. So it has fallen to the soup lady applause the soup lady we got to turn to the soup lady to tell us that murder is bad . Whats next, a passionate condemnation of nazis from the jolly green giant . Ho, ho, ho, youre racist he can say that. He can say that because hes a person of color. laughter its true. Its absolutely true. After the first few c. E. O. S dropped out this week, trump wasnt fazed, tweeting, for every c. E. O. That drops out of the Manufacturing Council, i have many to take their place. Grandstanders should not have gone on. Jobs laughter dont know what that i dont know what that is there at the end. Jon he put it at the end. Stephen i just love how he just tacked that ending on there. Dear tiffany, i wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you what a blessing you are in our lives. Jobs laughter but then the trickle of applause they love they love my object work. But then the trickle of resignations became a flood. Along with the c. E. O. Of campbells, trump also lost the support of the president and c. E. O. Of 3m, inge thulin. And because he was from 3m, he was the only c. E. O. To quit via postit note. laughter applause he also applause he also lost aflcio president and travelsize mike ditka, richard trumka. laughter after Trumps Press Conference yesterday, trumka said, we must resign on behalf of americas working people, who reject all notions of legitimacy of these bigoted groups. Its clear that president trumps Manufacturing Council was never a means for delivering real policy that lifts working families, and his remarks today were the last straw. cheers and applause last i mean, good for him. I mean, good for him, but i guess that makes calling mexicans rapists, mocking a disabled reporter, grabbing women by the genitals and banning muslims from entering the country were just some fun straws along the way, like a hayride so, its been a tough week for trumps Manufacturing Council, but trumps not one to be easily dissuaded. When the going gets tough, the tough immediately give up, because trump tweeted rather than putting pressure on the businesspeople of the Manufacturing Council and strategy and policy forum, i am ending both. Thank you all thank you i destroy everything i touch. My kiss is poison jobs cheers and applause whats going on here are some others. In lessapocalyptic news, the sun is going away. laughter on monday, a Solar Eclipse will cross the entire continental United States for the first time in nearly a century. I could not be more excited. I love science, i love astronomy, and i love to see barnyard animals thrown into a complete panic because its 2 00 p. M. And night is falling. laughter applause i go to the petting zoo. Whats going on, goats . Whats going on . Where did sun go . The chickens are freaking out . You know they know something is up. They always have the inside dope. Listen to the crickets were all going to die cheers and applause ill be drinching. I get i get to do that once every century, so im going to put my heart into it. Jon yeah, yeah. Stephe millions of americans will see it because the eclipse will pass right over the middle of the United States right oarve of middle. Just like hillary did during the campaign. Really . Really . Really . Too soon. Jon too soon. Stephen i dont think so. That better be in her book. Now, keep in mind, viewing the eclipse can be very dangerous. The primary risk is what opthamologists call eclipse blindness, or burns on your retinas caused by highintensity, visible light. The radiation literally cooks your eyes. Stephen literally cooks your eyes. You dont want that. So youve got a few options. One, squirt sunscreen in your eyes and hope for the best. Two, give in, enhance the cooking with some olive oil, maybe some garlic salt. Three, some of these these inexpensive cardboard sunglasses were designed specifically to allow you to look at the sun without harming your eyes. Now, when your eyes are in danger of being literally cooked, nothing reassures like the words inexpensive cardboard. laughter applause all right, mr. Jones. Mr. Jones, we have your pacemaker here. Its made of popsicle sticks. Just jam that in your chest and its important to make sure you get ones that actually work because amazon has recalled some potentially hazardous Solar Eclipse glasses. Now, to find out if your glasses you ordered are the good kind, put them on and look at the eclipse. laughter then, if youre blinded, send them back to amazon for a full refund. Anyway, have fun. Stay safe on the eclipse on monday. I dont think theres ever been a more appropriate time for darkness to descend on our country. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Its friday. And friday means midnight confessions. Please join us, wont you. applause introducing the new moto z with moto mods. Hello moto. 321 liftoff gasps oh cheering buy the new moto z with shattershield, and youll get a free projector mod. Hello moto. Hundreds of dollars on youmy car insurance. Saved me huh. I should take a closer look at geico. dog panting geico has a 97 Customer Satisfaction rating and fast and friendly claims service. Speaking of service . Oooo, just out. It was in. Out. In out. In what about now . That was our only shuttlecock. Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. Advil liquigels minis. Our first concentrated pill that rushes powerful relief. A small new size thats fast, cause its liquid. Woohoo youll ask, what pain . New advil liquigels minis. Take an extra 20 kohls off your purchase. Sale get the gear. Win the school year. Kids licensed tees are just 6. 40. Boys plaid wovens are 14. 39 and girls varsity tees are only 11. 99. Plus get kohls cash too. Game on. Kohls. Vo jacks got your back. Hits, jack somebody craving my smoky jack burger . Vo the smoky jack burger combo for 4. 99. Vo hickorysmoked bacon, smoked cheddar cheese, vo all on an artisan poppyseed bun. Vo plus fries and a refreshing drink. Vo all for just 4. 99. Man thanks, jack jack youre welcome. Vo the new smoky jack burger combo for just 4. 99. Vo only at jack in the box. band playing band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, jon batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band cheers and applause stephen oh, exciting friday. Exciting friday, jon. Exciting friday. You know what friday means . Every friday we do midnight confessions. We will do that in a second. But before we do that i have a confession i need to make to you, the audience, first. I have a new book. Its called i have a new book Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. Its full of confessions. Its all the fun of watching me perform confessions on tv, but now in a portable format that you can bring right into the confessional with you. And you can confess these things. The priest will never know that theyre actually my sins. Spice things up a little bit. Role play. There are some Amazing Things in here. Page after page of these confessions. Its got how many pages is this . This is how many and. And they did not number the pages. 1,000 pages im going to say 1,000 pages of jokes youre losing money if you dont buy this damn thing. Just for kindling. You can preorder it now on colbertlateshow. Com, and it will be available september 5 at placewhere things are sold. Jon yup, yup. Stephen go get it. Now, heres the deal. cheers and applause got that newbook smell. Its got that newbook smell. Heres the thing, even tho im a catholic and im so catholic i make money off it. I dont make it to church as often as i like. Mostly i mis confession. So, if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. laughter organ music playing forgive me, audience. Ive never texted a picture of my genitals to a coworker, but i have faxed a picture of my butt rash to dr. Oz. laughter i thought crossfit was a way to get abs like jesus. laughter cheers and applause im not proud of it. Im not proud of it. Audience, audience, i think people at the Grocery Store who say qpon instead of coupon should be forced to pay extra for their tomahto. cheers and applause if im feeling bloated, i park in the handicap zone. laughter i have never been ready for . Poobl. laughter cheers and applause also, i can tell you how to get, how to get to sesame street. But i wont. laughter audience, last week, i went online to buy reading glasses and accidentally signed up for riding classes. laughter applause if i could take one book with me on a desert island, it would be how to escape a desert island, but if i could bring a second book, it would be Stephen Colberts midnight confessions, cheers and applause its available september 5. Makes a great labor day gift. laughter audience, a lot of these confessions are jokes made up by my writers. Except all the ones where i eat frosting. Thats all me, baby. laughter cheers and applause mmm mmm cheers and applause i consider myself a Glass Half Full type of person, as long as its half full of bourbon. Mmmm. cheers and applause mmmm. Whooo daddys optimism burns. Forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back. applause cameras. Introducing the newly redesigned gla suv. At a price thatll make you feel like youve gotten away with something. The 2018 gla. Lease the gla250 for 359 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. How was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. Fortyeight hours of protection. I dont have to reapply this, not once. Its really soft and almost velvety as you put it on. Thats like really soft. Try dove advanced care for softer, smoother underarms. band playing band playing cheers and applause the backstabber Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody i love it thats fantastic thank you, jon. Please, have a seat, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is the shortest tenured Communications Director in white house history. Please welcome anthony scaramucci. Anthony, come on up. audience cheers and applause band playing booing . Ill pretend those are mooches and not boos, stephen. Stephen thanks for being here. Its great to be here . Is it . I took a list of all your comedy writers my kill list. Stephen i wrote them all down. Stephen youre comedically threatening to kill people who work for me . Im not allowed to joke anymore. Ive learned that. laughter stephen listen, i just want to start no, you dont get to stop my show. I stop my show. cheers and applause heres the thing i want you to know just for the record, this is on the record. This is being recorded right now. Thank you. Stephen thats a microphone youre wearing right now, okay . So i said no gotcha questions, i promised you no gotcha questions. But im leading with one. It wont be the first one. Stephen nazis, good or bad . Super bad, we know that, super bad. Stephen why do you think the president of the United States, who you called the most media savvy person of our times, would shank a softball like that so hard when he should have just come out there and condemned the people who were there to start violence . Well, i think theres a couple of issues there. He said the all sides thing stephen many sides. Many sides. He should have been way harsher on that. I said that. Upon upon stephen how . He should have condemned White Supremacism and neonazis. I dont want to blame or point fingers at the president. Stephen hes responsible. But youre asking about someone else. cheers and applause hold on a second. You were asking about someone else in the administration. Stephen okay. But i think listen, it was late. Im not going to say that it wasnt. But he did go to the white house today, and he did make a statement, which you just said. It was very declarative against it. Stephen the president had prepared remarks on saturday. Yeah. Stephen and prepared remarks today. Today he stuck to the script. Saturday he went off script with his many sides, many sides. That was an ad lib, in the moment. Which one of them do you think he meant . The one thats written down, or the one he just comes up with in the moment. You guys have been super rough on me and super rough on him but he is a compassionate person. I know him as a compassionate person. Thats my opinion. Stephen dont boo him for being the messenger. But in what way is he a compassionate person . What is the evidence that . Listen, i mean, its a super tough job. He made a step to give up which was a luxurious lifestyle and stephen who cares . Really . Were supposed to feel bad for a guy because he gave up his billiondollar lifestyle to be the most powerful man in the world . I dont understand. By the way, that was touch and go. That was touch and go. Stephen what was touch and go . It was stephen what was touch and go . I think when he started his campaign, i think it was unclear whether he was going to win or not. I mean at the end of the day stephen thats it for everybody. Everybody is unclear. I understand that, but, stephen, its a huge sacrifice to do this stuff. You may not agree with me on that. Stephen it is a huge sacrifice but one of the things you dont get to do is complain about it. But i havent heard him complain about it. Stephen he has. He said its a very hard job. He said, i could have had my previous lifestyle. But thats him wearing his heart on his sleeve. Thats him expressing himself. I mean, thats his i think, you know, president obama, Michelle Obama also expressed that, you know, its a fish bowl. Its a difficult job. Stephen sure. I think president bush sailed the same thing. Stephen sure. Its not like its not a difficult job. Being the Communications Director is a difficult job. Stephen my original question and then well move on, but my original question youre a guy you said freethrows with a top coat. Saying that, you know, condemning White Supremacists and neonazis is a oneinch putt. Why do you think he choked . Again, i think theres a its almost a counterintuitive thing with him. The media expects him to do something and he sometimes does the exact opposite. Stephen wait, just to thumb his nose at them. Wait a second, youre saying he does something to do the opposite of what is expected. Some of that worked during the campaign. Stephen the campaign is over. Now hes the president. I understand that, but hes also hes also out there going out to see his base. Hes flown to west virginia, youngstown, ohio, and other place glz but his base isnt nazis. Are you saying his base is nazis. No. Stephen im not saying that, either. He did condemn the nazis today. Stephen two days later. Did he order his spine on amazon prime . Why did it take so long . Thats a good line. cheers and applause and i said yesterday that he should have been tougher on it. You know, the problem sim probably the only person that would come from the Trump Administration or formerly from the Trump Administration and sit here. Stephen im grateful youre here. I dont know if hes going to come here and answer that question for you, but only he can answer that question. I said yesterday and i maintained that hes got to be tougher on that stuff if he wants his legislation agenda to pass. He has to move in a more moderate direction. He has to appeal to people that are independents and moderates that possibly voted for him, to help him ascend to the presidency. Stephen whats it like inside the white house . Because small. Stephen small . Ive been in the building. What i mean is laughter what is it like . From the outside it looks like a dumpster fire. laughter what is it like i mean, you also you get you have rumors of infighting. You have rumors of infighting. There are rumors of infighting, and that theres chaos in there. What was it like for the 10 days you were