[ applause ] people get very giftconscious on days like this, and i want to thank the lady from the audience who left the longstemmed american beauty in my dressing room. [ laughter ] although your daughter seems like a nice girl, i cant get her on the show. You were ahead of me, werent ya . [ laughter ] by the way, if youre out here as tourists especially today and you [ applause ] welcome. All right. And if youre up on hollywood boulevard and you see a man walking along dressed as cupid, that does not mean its valentines day, thatthat means its murray. He dresses that way every single day. [ laughter ] well, maybe he doesnt. [ laughter ] love is in the air today. Valentines day. And remember, before you fall head over heels on love with someone you just met, remember [ laughter ] [ applause ] i always Wax Nostalgic on valentines day, and ii which i do occasionally. I wax several days, but especially on valentines day. I think of my youth back on the plains of nebraska and my very first girlfriend. She was an italian girl, gina statutory. [ laughter ] ill never forget the first time i saw gina in school. She was starring in a hygiene film called dont let this happen to you. [ laughter ] lovely girl. [ laughter ] the, uh, farmer that lives at do youdo you still send valentines day cards . Is that still a thing to do . [ applause ] sure. Remember the ones you made as kids with the little lace around them. The farmer that lives next door to billy carter sent billy a valentines day card that says, roses are red, violets are thanks to you. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know i mentioned that day today is the 50th anniversary of the st. Valentines day massacre. Remember that . In chicago . In remembers that in remembrance of that date, nbc lined all the members of its Programming Department up against a wall today and machinegunned them. [ laughter ] its kind of an inhouse joke, and i think we should probably keep that in the house. [ laughter ] california governor jerry brown sent his girlfriend, Linda Ronstadt, a little valentines day poem. Is there a theres a fly buzzing around [ laughter ] this monologue is starting to spoil. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its turning bad right here. What did i start to say . What was i talking about . Jerry brown sent Linda Ronstadt are red, violets are blue, i love you, pretty lady, but i am more in love with 1980. [ laughter ] which wasnt as funny as the guy sent billy carter. Well, i know youre all anxious to find out whats the latest in the lee marvinmichelle triola trial. For those of you who missed the papers today, i want to keep you up to date on these important events. Apparently today, michelle triolas trial would not allow michelles lawyer to sue. She he wanted to sue for an additional one Million Dollars. Now mrs. Triolas lawyer, whos a fellow by the name of marvin mitchelson, claimed that when lee marvin said, i love you, and then said he didnt mean it, that is fraud. [ laughter ] look, Everybody Knows when a man says, i love you, it is not fraud, its temporary insanity. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] Important News out of the way, we can go to iran and see whats happening over there. Theythey just opened their first soft drink factory over there, since the new government took over. Its called the ayatollah cola. [ laughter ] and its, uh it gives gas to everyone but americans. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its really great. Yeah. Uh, the president is off to mexico, as you know. And, uh oh, hes already there. As a matter of fact, uh, president portillo of mexico took president carter on kind of a sightseeing trip, and the mexican president showed jimmy carter the home of the former bandit pancho villa. And carter was so impressed he said, when portillo comes here, hes gonna show him the home of bert lance. [ laughter ] [ applause ] carter just doesnt say things funny. Did you ever notice that . [ laughter ] you realize, of course, while the president is out of the country, the acting president is walter mondale. [ applause ] well oh now here are some of the important things that walters accomplished since carter went to mexico. He, uh he oiled the swivel chair in the oval office so he could swivel without squeaking. He, uh, called the maytag repair man and said, what do you do to kill a day . [ laughter ] and he called, uh, brezhnev brzezinski and told him to keep his hands off of rodeo drive. [ laughter ] between carter and mondale, its been a political wipeout tonight. [ laughter ] moving along to the sports news. See i jump from one subject to another. It doesnt if one thing doesnt work, we keep plunging ahead. Former ohio state football coach, woody hayes, is in town. And hes here to discuss the possibility of a movie based on his life. I understand this afternoon woody is up at graumans chinese theater, where they pressed [ laughter ] [ applause ] but, uh but i understand hes like any other tourist. He stopped along sunset boulevard you know, one of those guys on the street and bought a map of the stars throats. [ laughter ] well, we didnt. Who cares . Heres the strange news item of the day. Women have found according to a news item in the los angeles times, women have found that Birth Control pills in the soil will stimulate the growth of their houseplants. [ laughter ] thats dont ask me why, but it also enables your petunias to pollinate without fear of morning sickness. [ laughter ] which is a side effect. We have a, um a pretty good show tonight, dont we . Yes. What . Yes yes, we do. Be enthusiastic. [ laughter ] charlton its a great show, john. What . Its a fine show. Not just a good show. Its a fine show. Charlton heston is here tonight, [ applause ] korean comic johnny yune, blair brown, and jack douglas. [ applause ] [ music ] well be right back. [ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] we are back. Crowds in a good mood tonight. We got a good show. Chuck heston, johnny yune, blair brown, and jack douglas is with us tonight. Jack douglas if you dont know who jack is hes one of the crazed writers who has written for every top comedian in the business and, uh, he always uses brings some, uh, home movies. Which are the wildest home movies you have ever seen. They make absolutely no sense at all. But jack will tell you what is happening or not happening during them. Uh, from time to time as you know, doc travels around the country and tommy, for various things, and other guys in the band. And tommy is gonna be tommy newsom im talking about. Beaumont, texas, february the 22nd for the premiere of his composition. He wrote a composition for the beaumont texas Symphony Orchestra and jazz band. And tommys gonna be down there to conduct that and also play with the group. [ applause ] congratulations, tommy. Great. February the 22nd. [ applause ] you be a good old boy when youre down there, tom. Well, this is the time of the year, as you know its only its only what . February . Umhmm. And already the, uh the networks are planning their new Television Shows for the fall season. Its been rather a tough season for television. Its a tough, competitive business, because every as you know, last sunday all the networks programmed three big shows opposite each other. Gone with the wind, cuckoos nest, an elvis special. And a lot of shows get knocked off the air before they get a chance. Nbc did over 50 pilots themselves, and, uh, im gonna give you i dont think these are all nbc pilots, the ones im gonna tell you about. But these are the actual names of new shows coming up or theres a show called the gray panther express. Do you have any idea what thats about . Old people. It deals with the adventures of old people or senior citizens, they say. Ive never liked that word. No. Elderly people. At a retirement home. Father brown is about a middleaged priest preoccupied with detective work. [ whistles ] i dont understand some of these at all. Ifr is an institute staffed by volunteers who help victims get nonviolent revenge. [ laughter ] i think its called ifr. I think its the International Force for retaliation or something. Golden gun. The saga of a hero on a white horse who fights off the bad men. [ laughter ] [ whistles ] that sounds original. Sloan of the secret service. Its about an art dealer whos actually a james bond type of agent who, like his pop before him his pop is chief operative of a secret government to the president. Jackies girls deals with femme flyers in world war ii who perform missions on both sides of enemy lines. How many lady flyers did you know in world war ii . [ laughter ] not too many. Theres a show called harper and company. Its about four men in a club med type resort who team to solve crimes. Doctors and nurses deals with the lives and relationships of doctors and nurses. [ laughter ] oh. And is done with humor. Where hijinks often ensue, probably. Heres one. Whodunnit . Yes. Now guesthosted by ed mcmahon. Yes. Its an american version of a British Comedy quiz show. Yes. Ah, thats going on in the fall . Apparently, yeah. [ applause ] ahha. Youre the only one who got a hand. [ laughter ] doctors and nurses got nothing. Ed got a hand. Heres one here. Every stray dog and kid is gets out of prison and adopts six teenage boys. [ sigh ] these are for real folks. Crash island deals with a plane which crashes over a mysterious uncharted island where the survivors set up a makeshift society. Heres one. I dont wanna miss this. Blue collar deals with a house painter whose family includes his wife and five children. [ laughter ] how can you get 13 weeks out of a guy painting a house . [ laughter ] good time harry is about a newspaper man who is a rogue who returns to his native San Francisco trying to get back the job from which he was fired. Gossip is a gang comedy thats what they call it taking place in the office of the national gossip, about a couple of newsmen trying to make a go of the publication. Yu. I think this has to do with johnny yune, doesnt it . This is spelled yu. About a korean detective who works in the Beverly Hills area while working as a comedian as a cover. [ laughter ] that has to do with the young man who is with us tonight, johnny yune. Now heres one. This is my favorite. When i read this one king tuts best friend. [ laughter ] this is about an 11yearold boy who gets a pyramid for his birthday and travels back in time to egypt where he befriends king tut. [ laughter ] sure, you laugh, but thats going on, folks. Well, now. If youre laughing at those for every pilot that is made that goes on, there are probably 30 or 40 that do not make it at all. We have some stills, some photographs, from some of these unsuccessful new shows. Never before seen. Never before seen. And these shows probably will not be on the air. Unless well, unless some of those others yeah. Like the house painter doesnt make it. You watch the monitor. For example, heres a heres one about a new detective series called lieutenant columbo [ laughter ] its about a detective who arrests criminal animals. [ laughter ] here we see lieutenant columbo busting a tortoise who was caught smuggling in 200 pounds of columbian lettuce. [ laughter ] a new show called three is enough. [ laughter ] a situation comedy about a mother and father who have never allowed their son to go to school or to have a job. Here we see the son about to face his first challenge in life walking downstairs and getting the mail. [ laughter ] heres a show a new show called the fat angels. [ laughter ] they, uh they solve any crime that involves stolen food. [ laughter ] and in its very first episode, they sit on a taco bell stickup man and crush his enchiladas. [ laughter ] from the studio that brought you hello, larry comes goodbye, helga. About a girl who works in her here you see helga just as she was caught making an obscene proposal to a jimmy dean pork sausage. [ laughter ] a new show were getting back to the old musical shows. Uganda city music hall. [ laughter ] musical variety show which features the precision dancing of ugandan chorus girls led by their choreo choreographer, idi amin. [ laughter ] here they are at the end of the cancan number, where they kick a missionary to death. This could be [ laughter ] from the producers of the six Million Dollar man comes another super hero, graffiti man. [ laughter ] he has only made love once in his life to a bearded lady. On his back, he has the phone number of every easy woman in buffalo, new york. [ laughter ] he makes 60 a week sitting at a mens room in an iowa truck stop. [ laughter ] greatest crimes of the century. [ laughter ] here you see psychopathic criminal gary o shaughnessy, up on innocent ladies and stealing the tongues out of their shoes. [ laughter ] hes didnt get on. [ laughter ] laverne and mildred. [ laughter ] this shows about two elderly women who work for a brewery in milwaukee. Here we see them on saturday night taking turns wearing a dead stray dog around their necks. [ laughter ] thats why youre groaning, then. It didnt make it. Way back stairs at the white house. [ laughter ] here we see the servants about to protest what billy carter did to a bush in the rose garden and youve seen love boat where love blossoms on a cruise ship and super train where adventures occur across a crosscountry train . Now comes action closet. [ laughter ] all romance takes place inside a janitors storage closet. Here you see the despondent janitor hanging himself because his eureka vacuum cleaner refused to put out. [ laughter ] weird. I know. The gladiator game. Um, you can see how long you can last inside a hungry lions cage wearing hamburger scented deodorant. [ laughter ] birthday billy. A new show. Billy makes a living counting birthday candles for very stupid children. [ laughter ] each week he goes to a different house. Candid surgery. A series where Beverly Hills plastic surgeons are shown on hidden camera operating on unsuspecting patients. Here you see the gabor sisters just before their facelifts. [ laughter ] so cruel. What is this one here . Ah because of the success of the movie superman, they came out with a tv pilot called super slob. [ laughter ] by day, a mildmannered reporter. At night, he becomes the man of cholesterol. His xray vision allows him [ laughter ] the little tramps. [ laughter ] a series about midget hookers who prey on sailors who have 24minute shore leave. [ laughter ] and look, these are these are not all winners, but thats why im showing these to you. Another spinoff of the movie animal house. This one called animal car. In this episode, titled moon express, [ laughter ] the beta phis attempt to ruin a chevrolets seat upholstery. That thats what they do. [ laughter ] and thats why they didnt get on. [ applause ] didnt make it. They didnt make it. Didnt make the schedule. [ laughter ] okay. [ applause ] well be back with chuck heston, johnny yune, blair brown, and jack douglas [ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] thank you, doc. List of new shows that i was talking about, this young gentleman is going to have one of those. Its called sergeant tku, and, uh, hes from korea. He made his, uh started with us on the tonight show. We found him playing a comedy place called the horn in santa monica, and hell be opening at the Las Vegas Hilton with Steve Lawrence and eydie gorme march 6th for three weeks. And, uh, his new series is going to be aired soon. Would you welcome, please, johnny yune. Johnny . [ music ] [ applause ] herro. [ laughter ] im a comedian from korea. You know, in korea, i was a very boring guy. But in america, i play backgammon, and i hang out at discotheques, and i know my sign. [ laughter ] now im boring in two countries. I come from a poor family. You know, my parents couldnt afford to have electricity and they used to feed me and my brother garlic so they could find us in the dark. [ laughter ] ever since i was a little kid, i always want to come to america, and i learned a little bit about america. And i admire president George Washington most. One of the reasons is that, um, he never blamed his problems on the previous administration. [ laughter ] [ applause ] lincoln. I love lincoln. I couldnt wait till i come to this country and drive one. [ laughter ] but i now i live in hollywood. Hollywoods been very good to imported shirt. They all from korea. [ laughter ] did you ever reach into your pocket and pull out a little piece of paper that says, inspected by number 14 . Thats my brother. [ laughter ] and hollywood is tough, also. You know, when i become an american citizen, i wanted to get rid of my accent. So i went to speech teacher. I said, how can i get rid of my accent fast . He said, go back to korea. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know, it took me six months to get my agent. When i first met him, he said, what do you do . I said, im a comedian. He said, comedians are a dime a dozen. I said, but im different. Im an oriental. Then why didnt you say so. [ laughter ] and i just bought pair of siamese cat, and i paid 375 just because they got the most beautiful blue eyes. I pet them on their head, their contacts fell out. [ laughter ] and i also bought lots of plants. And my friends told me if i talk to plants, theyll grow taller and fast. And i been talking to my plants. [ speaking korean ] [ laughter ] they turn yellow. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] now i have one plant left. A venus fly trap. It ate my zipper. [ laughter ] you know, i, um im kind of excited about new friendly relationship between america and red china. But, you know, uh, i have one thing that i dont understand. I read an article in a magazine that says, um, chin china is buying american xrated movies for Sex Education for chinese people. Now a country with 950 Million People need a Sex Education . [ laughter ] they dont need a Sex Education. What they need is food. In fact, the chairman mao was wrote a letter to, uh, russia asking for help. Send us grains, were starving. Russia replied, were sure of grains for ourselves. Tighten your belts. Mao replied, send us belts. [ laughter ] you know [ laughter ] you know, because of this new situation between america and red china, russia is a little bit worried, because they feel that theyre being isolated and they decided to go easy on things. And, for the first time in history in russia, they decided to give russian People Freedom of speech. In fact, recently, russian newspaper pravda ran a contest for best political jokes. First prize got 20 years. [ applause ] but, you know, its impossible to understand politics. I dont worry about it. Im