Homeless compound. [ laughter ] uh, for those of you who dont know what im talking about, let me explain what happened. Martin sheen, a fine actor i dont know martin at all was made an honorary mayor of malibu, california. Just a strictly honorary title. His first pronouncement was he declared malibu a nuclearfree zone and sanctuary for aliens and the homeless and wildlife, wild or tame. [ laughter ] well, i live in malibu. And malibu is for the homeless. Ill tell ya, i didnt have a home when i had to move there. [ laughter ] mayor of malibu, huh . I guess the job didnt have enough stature to land sonny bono. [ laughter ] now i dont really know what sheen had in mind about that, but theyre a little out of touch in malibu. Their idea of the homeless is, in malibu, uh, is when while youre renting out your bel air house. [ laughter ] theyre homeless. [ laughter ] but they, uh malibu opened their hearts today to the homeless. Barbra streisand lives in malibu. Offered to pay their Valet Parking at la scala malibu. [ laughter ] which i thought was very nice. But every malibu citizen [ laughter ] uh, actor larry hagman actually turned his electric fence down to simmer today. [ laughter ] and later this week, martins setting up a tent city under larry hagmans hat. [ laughter ] just for the homeless. Enough home enough homeless jokes . I have one more. [ laughter ] no. But i shouldnt i its a problem, but i dont know what he had in mind. Uh, where would the homeless go in malibu . But the malibu citizens are opening up their hearts to the poor. They just opened today a gazpacho kitchen and [ laughter ] how did no. No, no. No, no. Dont disappoint me and change the rhythm. [ laughter ] how did he ever get to be mayor of malibu . I did i didnt get to vote. Im gonna send in jimmy carter to recount the ballots. [ laughter ] well, lets see what else is happening today. Dont you look jazzy . Purple. Check the back. [ cheering ] whatwhatwhat is that on the back . Is that some kind symbolic, uh i have no its a work of art. Well, ladida. [ laughter ] well, on television, nbc folks have bad news canceled the show nightingales. [ groaning ] yeah. I dont know if you ever saw that show. I liked one of the quotes. Some actor said, well, it was a shame because i really never had the chance to explore [ laughter ] thats funny. Everybody else on that show explored your character. [ laughter ] however, lest you think theres not some good news, a new program is in development called einsteins angels. Its about four women physicists, uh, whose tabletop fusion experiment gives off so much heat that they have to work in their underwear. [ laughter ] you know, there was almost a joke there. [ laughter ] the Fox Television network, which is the new network, is trying to announce a new drama session called alien nation. The premise is interesting. Its about a family from another planet trying to adjust to life in los angeles, but theyre missing the real dramatic possibilities. Which would be the life of a Family Living here on earth trying to adjust to living in los angeles. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i hope all of you got your cards in the mail earlier today, because today is the ayatollah khameneis 89th birthday. Ah. I heard that his family bought him a big cake and that they all got together and sat around and sang, for hes a jolly good lunatic. [ laughter ] [ applause ] uh, you know what sweep weeks are on television . Yes. Its when they take the ratings. Obviously, it was last night, because i watched the show last night. A Television Movie about a guy stranded on a Desert Island with how many of you saw it . With raquel welch. [ sighing ] and not once did he ask for bayer aspirin. [ laughter ] how many of you saw that show . Really . Im interested. [ applause ] was that a turkey . She makes vanna white [ laughter ] oh. Oh, boy. I wanna tell ya what a stinkeroo im in. [ laughs ] ii mean jake, how are you . I mean oh, wow. The lines. Anyway, we can get into that later. Can you imagine being stranded on a Desert Island with raquel welch . Yeah. Everything was going well for this guy till Surgeon General coop was washed ashore. And then [ laughter ] ah, worst thing ive ever seen. Next to Brigitte Nielsen playing that lady in the spacesuit in a thing called murder on the moon. [ laughter ] boy, what what depth of emotion. Vanna ought to get together with raquel and brigitte and do the bronte sisters. I mean, that would really [ laughter ] [ applause ] well, we should get that entertainment patrol going again. [ laughter ] we had an entertainment patrol. We had badges. You know, where you go on like that, you arrest them, and theyre never allowed to work in the entertainment business again. [ laughter ] entertainment patrol. Come here, raquel. [ applause ] im getting steam, and i dont know why. Anyway. [ laughter ] gorbachev is in china. Have you seen that . Yeah. And hes trying to sell the chinese some russian hightech products, but the chinese said they had no use for a stealth ox cart. [ laughter ] and then gorbachev tried to sell them some other hightech products like a i didnt know they had this in russia. A 14 day programmable toaster. [ laughter ] you can actually program it two weeks ahead and the toast comes up. [ laughter ] uh, what else is happening . How many of you own a fax machine . Got a fax machine . [ applause ] apparently people are having trouble because they are now getting junk mail. Unsolicited stuff on their fax machine which uses up your paper, right . The frightening possibilities. Knowing that ed has your number. [ applause ] or a jehovahs witness and you get a fax to all the [ laughter ] anyway, tonight, mr. Patrick swayze is with us. [ cheering ] yeah well, we were gonna be, uh well just be talking. Hunk to hunk. [ laughter ] [ applause ] there was a scene in this thing last night where raquel went swimming. Took of her dress and left it, you know, on the by the side of the lake. And i said, ill betcha somebody steals that dress while shes in the water. The dog comes out and steals the dress. [ laughter ] im naked. Garry shandling is here tonight. [ applause ] stay where you are. Well be right back. [ music ] [ applause ] [ music ] hello there. Were back. Thank you. They had one scene in this movie and it was some i dont know. I shouldnt pick on raquel. It wasnt her fault. Why do you watch those movies . Its like watching why do people watch train accidents . [ laughter ] yeah. Why do people slow down when theyre driving along the freeway and they see an accident . They see an accident. Yup. Morbid curiosity. Yup. You slow down. Yeah. And this would slow you down. [ laughter ] youd say, i cant believe that. Anyway, umm what happened after the dog took her dress . Let me tell ya, this was hysterical. [ laughter ] the dog took her dress. Right. She has to go back to the campfire where this guy is sitting. Fortunately, she found on the beach a packing crate. Square packing crate. But the packing crate was constructed of boards. They were about 3 of an inch apart, right . Yeah. So she picks up the packing case and you can see through to here. Right. And see through here and you can see through there. Yeah. Just enough. Yeah. And she has this packing crate. Thats wonderful. Yeah. [ laughter ] it was and you watched the whole movie . Yeah. [ laughter ] it was anyway. Lets see what we got here. Doc severinsen is hosting the hennessy jazz search finals tonight at the palace. The winners will appear at the playboy jazz festival. Well, since we record earlier and this show is seen in when its seen right now, which is not right now, but it is now in your home. [ laughter ] youve already done this, right . Not necessarily. [ laughter ] you have in the time element that im talking to the folks at home, youve already posted this. Who won . How was it . [ laughter ] it was great good. All right. Actually, were going to stall tonight. Hes gonna what . Stall. Were going to stall till after the announcement is made do the program down there. [ laughter ] okay. The lets get to our piece of material, as we call it in the meeting. [ laughter ] five spot. Five spot. Lets see. Do you know what the 1990 federal budget for this country is . For the United States government . 1. 2 trillion. Now when you hear million, you can kind of equate to that. Yeah. Thats, uh thats a thousand million, right . Yeah. A billions a thou and a billion is a billion is. A billions a thousand million. A millions, of course, ten uh, one hundred thousand. [ laughter ] well, a billion people cant comprehend. Let me give you some idea what a trillion is. The average life span for a man living in this country is only 38 million minutes. Thirtyeight million minutes. A billion it takes a light it takes light an hour and a half to travel 186,000 miles a second. Isnt this fascinating . [ laughter ] boy, im glad im here tonight. [ laughter ] i coulda watched another show, but im learning what a trillion is. There are only 171 trillion square yards of land on earth. A trillion is 15 times the total number of human beings ever born. The sun is only 5. 9 trillion inches away from earth. Give us more. [ laughter ] give us more. Now these are these are good examples, but theyre rather scientific. They lack a a human dimension, right . Most people you cant quite, uh, equate with what a billion or a trillion is. So weve come up with something if you have anything to do, go ahead. [ laughter ] im just dont let me keep you. [ laughter ] uhhuh. Weve come up with some examples the average man can really relate to. Thats the word i want. In other words, these are the snappers. All right. For example, it took a trillion weeks for a single celled protozoan slime to evolve into human beings, but it only took three weeks to evolve into lawyers. [ laughter ] [ applause ] if you had a trillion rolls of twinply toilet paper in your apartment, youd be the most popular man in all of russia. [ laughter ] a trillion is the number of times a day that a goofy kid in a paper hat says, you want fries with that . [ laughter ] the old clock on the wall has stopped. The clock stopped. Can you tell that . cause im reading this. The clock just stopped. Actually, there is no such thing as time, you know. Time in and of itself is said to not exist. Oh, really . Thats right. So this is really taking no time at all. [ laughter ] its a mathematical concept. Yes. Theres a can laughs be time . Hmm . Can laughs be time . Not tonight. Not tonight. [ laughter ] there is enough chicken in a trillion mcnuggets to reconstruct four chickens. [ applause ] if you stood in the same spot for a trillion seconds, theyd build a dmv around you. [ laughter ] i did that one. If a man had a this is interesting. If a man had a trillion pennies and he wanted half of them changed into hundred dollar bills, hed be standing in front of you at the bank on a friday. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the odds are one in a trillion the United StatesPostal Service tammy bakker commemorative. [ laughter ] interesting, right . If you lock 20 impressionists in a room right. Twenty impressionists. It would be one trillionth of a second before someone uttered the phrase, you dirty rat. [ laughter ] a trillion witnesses is exactly one trillion more witnesses than Morton Downey jr. Has. [ laughter ] fred liked that one. Thank you, fred. Well, he seems to be a cult of one. [ laughter ] a trillion hours is how long it would take mel tillis to phone in the alarm if a fire broke out at peter pipers pickled pepper packing plant. [ applause ] lets see. Youd have to lick the bumper of a 1957 chevy for one trillion days to get a chrome fur ball. [ laughter ] yes. If youda made made a martini thats one ounce of vermouth and a trillion ounces of gin, ed would want another one in about two minutes. Thats really true. [ applause ] raquel rubbed off on me. Shouldnt have watched that movie last night. It rubbed off on me. The tonight show will return [ cheering ] [ music ] [ cheering ] show business, our choice. Our choice. Havent seen Garry Shandling for a while. I miss having him come around here. Hes a very funny guy and, as you know, hes the star of his own syndicated series called the garry sandly Garry Sandling or shandling. Garry changed his name when he went to fox, didnt he . From shandling to sandling. A little known fact. Would you welcome Garry Shandling. [ applause ] mispronounced your name. Garry sandling. Well, dont worry about it, mr. Larson. Yeah, thats right. He, uh its been mispronounced about oh, one trillion times. [ laughter ] one trillion times . Ill give you that piece of material in case you have to need to fill in some night, you know . Just when youre a little short. Ill take that piece of material, please. [ laughter ] i know youre trying to dump a sucker on me. Thats right. And ill take that thing right now. How ya been . Its been a long time since youve been here. Well, i miss not being here more. Ive been, uh, real busy. I finished doing my show, umm our shows on hiatus as of like a month ago. Yeah. So we stopped doing it because the batteries went dead. And, umm, our son runs partly on d cells. Low budget, yeah. Yeah. So umm i catch ya. Youreyoure its a very funny show. Oh. I know you have a lot to do with the writing and so forth. Thanks. Thanks. Its really hard work. And someone asked me really looks like my house. Which it does, although i only have two cameras at my home. But [ laughter ] you know, iii actually missed your monologue. Ii came in late and i always stand right over there where i can see it. And i missed it, and i was thinking when i grew up in tucson, arizona. This is absolutely true. When i was growing up and in high school and whatnot, we only got the last 45 minutes of the tonight show because the way, i guess, it was could be. And thats when the show was 90 minutes. And i never knew you did a monologue until i was like 20 years old. I just figured you started doing standup when you were 50. I had no clue. [ laughter ] you know, when i was 20, i figured, well, theres hope for me. I guess i can still take a shot at it. You can sit and talk without doing anything. So ive just been, uh, taking a lot of time off and, uh, i went to washington, uh now you gotta tell me this story. Ive heard a little bit about it and i said, dont tell me any more. cause its its rather bizarre. Its really one of the most phenomenal im mr. De cordova is holding up his hand. Why dont we do this . So we dont cause we dont wanna interrupt the flow of this, is that what youre saying . Here come a trillion commercials. Which, if laid end to end, and they should be. [ laughter ] or whatever. Uh, so well do this, then well come back. cause this is this story in washington. [ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] what a night. Now tell them now do the scenario of you in washington. So this is everything im about to say is totally true. I went to washington about two weeks ago. Someone at the Washington Post called me and said, hey, would you like to go to this Correspondents Dinner . Which i guess they have once a year and all the journalists in washington go and go to this banquet. Theres about three thousand people. And at this banquet, president bush comes and does like ten minutes of jokes. Right. So, you know, you may want to take a look at them for the show here. Yeah. [ laughter ] so so he says so i hes this guy at the Washington Post says, if youd like to come and kind of get a feel of what washington here and were just inviting you to come to this banquet. So i said, sure. And i and i flew in and hes and i said, can i get a tour of the white house . Which they have tours there and anybody can really go. Its much like graceland. And so [ laughter ] i go to i so he says, well arrange a tour for you at the white house. So this is absolutely true. So now i go to the white house. Its saturday morning. Im in line at the white house. The tour line. Im in the liberal line. [ laughter ] and, umm which is the line that has to pay to get into the white house. True. Ititit was the shortest line. So i got right in. So im now taking a tour of the white house. And its great. Theres a secret service man showing us, uh i was with my girlfriend. I have a girlfriend now, which, uh yeah. Theres usually [ applause ] come on. Well, theres usually a smattering of applause, much like when they caught the nightstalker. You know, people are going, thank goodness hes off the streets so for a while. [ laughter ] sososo were in line. So now so now were looking at the, umm and were looking around cause the president isnt there. And then the secret service man says, you know, the president is on his way down, and if you stand against the wall in the hallway, you may get a glimpse of him as hes walking in. So i said, well, thisll be great. So we stand against the wall and were watching, you know. And sure enough, the president walks in with mrs. Bush and, uh, the dog, who i think has something to do with running the country, quite frankly. And cause the dog goes everywhere with the president. And theres the president and [ laughs ] im standing there, and he just sees me. And he walks up to me, and he says, garry [ laughter ] and, you know, right away im thinking, who did i vote for . Who did i vote for . [ laughter ] whod i vote for . Lie lie do whatever you have to do. So he says, garry, ive seen the show. Im a fan. Youre on like a he says, youre on like an Entertainment Network or something, arent you . And i said, well, yes. Yes, sir. They try and keep the public from me. And, uh [ laughter ] and i said, yes, mr. President. I actually said, and i had never in my life said mr. Followed by another nonspecific title in my life. [ laughter ] it was a i was lucky i didnt lose it altogether and just call him mr. Belvedere. You know. [ laughter ] soso, um so im standing and im talking to the president of the United States. And he says, soso, uh, what are ya doin in town . I said, well, im here to go to the Correspondents Dinner tonight. And he says, well, im going to that. We should do something together. [ laughter ] seriously . Hes for real . For real now . I said absolutely. I said, say what . [ laughter ] he says, no. They want me to do ten minutes of comedy. This way we can divide it up. I can do five and you can do five. I go, oh, no no no. No, sir. I cant you know what i mean . I got very nervous. I said, no, no, no. I cant do that. I thought he was just joking anyway, cause id really never taken him seriously before. [ laughter ] he said so, uh so he says, where you stayin . Im talking i go, well, im i mentioned the hotel. Now, as i say the hotel, suddenly all the secret servicemen pull memo pads o