Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160

Human and now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey hey welcome to the late show. cheers and applause hey im down here, everybody welcome welcome welcome to the late show here, there, everywhere thank you so much cheers and applause welcome to the late show, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the late show. Very excited. What a lovely crowd. What a lovely crowd this evening. Im your host Stephen Colbert for the late show tonight. Quick question before we get on with the rest of the show, is anybody on facebook . Anybody here on facebook . cheers and applause well, theres big news from facebook today because theyre changing the algorithm behind your news feed, and its going to limit the amount of content from. Brands, celebrities and media in favor of more posts from friends. And i think i speak for everyone on facebook when i say well, theyre not exactly friends. applause just just people. The company says the tweak is going to be good news for users who want more cute baby photos. laughter im sorry. What was that again . There could be more baby photos on facebook . I know theyre your bundles of joy, but until theyre a year old they just look like little Dwight Eisenhowers laughter little tiny each one of them defeated hitler. laughter now, personally, i want more posts from brands. I love cheezits. Theyre the only one of my facebook friends i actually spend time with. Been to bed with them a few times, too. Of course, someone is cheering the idea of me having sex with a snack. Thank you. Thank you very much. cheering of course, the president ial campaign is still at large. Cant seem to stop it. Every day i check the news. But every day, our two president ial candidates are still Hillary Clinton and donald trump. A lot of people are finding it hard to get excited for these two candidates, and nothing proves that more than this actual new poll from Public Policy polling. Hillary clinton got 43 , donald trump got 38 , and, this was an actual choice, a giant meteor hitting the earth got 13 . cheers and applause 38 for trump, 13 for a meteor, that adds up to 51 of the people are okay with the world coming to an end. cheers and applause two giant destructive orange balls. laughter the giant meteor hitting the earth polled particularly well among independent voters, and unsprisingly, poorly amongst dinosaurs. Now trump might be getting a boost in the polls because sources say trump is vetting Chris Christie as a potential running mate. audience reacts christie would definitely help trump win voters in new jersey, who are anxious to get rid of Chris Christie. laughter applause the source claims christie has begun the official vetting process, which i believe means trying to sell more lemonade in times square than gary busey. laughter meanwhile, yesterday, our current president obama was in canada. Like many americans, i assume he applause i assume he was applying for citizenship up there. laughter but he was also there for the north american Leaders Summit with mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto and canadian Prime Minister and Disney Princess justin trudeau. laughter very pretty. Hes very, very pretty. This was obamas last time at the summit, and the Canadian Parliament begged for an encore. shouting. four more years four more years stephen wow, maybe he can get them to confirm his Supreme Court nominee. But the big moment everyones talking about is this awkward handshake. Trudeau has obamas hand, goes for nietos and noooo forget it. Just forget it. Typical threesome. Seems like a good idea, but its just awkward. Theres always one guy who doesnt know where to put his hands. It happens all the time. Stalin, churchill, and f. D. R. Had the same problem at yalta. Leave him alone stephen you know what . Say hi to jon batiste and stay human band playing cheers and applause humming cheering thats nice. Oh. Ooh. You know what . Im so excited. Its summer. I want to get a tan. Im going to swim. Im going to drink it all in. This is going to be the summer i actually enjoy. If you are thinking about going on vacation this summer, you may want to think about going to china because theyve got disneyland there now. The new 5. 5 billion disneyland park. This a huge crosscultural moment. Now that disneyland is in china, children there will have context for the toys theyve been making. The park is already a huge success, but, apparently, a lot of names of Disney Properties dont translate well into chinese, so they had to make some changes, like renaming dumbo little flying elephant, renaming frozen, enchanted destiny of snow, and the bibbiti bobbiti boutique was renamed colorful magical fanciful transformation. And mickey mouse is now chairman mouse. And its not just china that mmhmm. Thats good. And its not just china that renames things to something more culturally appropriate. I identify with this problem. Because the late show is broadcast everywhere from prussia to siam. Boy, we really need to update the maps in the writers room. So im going to take you on a trip around the globe, and share some of the changes we have to make for international audiences. This is late show cultural translations. Stephen welcome to late show cultural translations. First up, we air in england, which means if we do any Product Placement of the candy reeses pieces, we have to use its british name runsons tidbits. Mmmm a stout fist of runsons will really chuff your gob. laughter also, this show airs in cameroon, where we have to change our name, the late show with Stephen Colbert to twilight shenanigans with caucasian suit buffoon. The one with glasses. laughter applause its hard to tell us apart. Im the one with the glasses. Id watch that show. All right. We talk a lot about politics on this show, but foreigners often have different ways of referring to our candidates. For example, when talking about the democrats, to people in ghana, im covering the race between what could possibly go wrong with a stack of cards this high . laughter cheers and applause who knows . cheers and applause all right. Thank you for being here for our last show. laughter all right. We talk a lot about politics on this show. When talking about the democrats, to people in ghana, im covering the race between tensemerriment Corporation Woman and rumpled giveaway grandpa. cheers and applause there you go right there you can have that right there all right. Now, lets see. Okay oh. And in thailand republican frontrunner donald trump is more commonly known as impossible promise tuxedo goblin. laughter applause heres an interesting fact. Whenever the show is broadcast in russia, if i ever refer the popular kids pizza arcade chuck e. Cheeses, we have to change it to commandant vermins musical pizza hell. cheers and applause there you go. All right. Lets see. Even in canada there are changes. For example, i have to change the title of the upcoming comic book movie suicide squad to mopey avengers go to hot topic. laughter applause mmhmm. In mexico, taco bells quesalupa is called drunk gringo meat slurry crepe. applause i could go for one of those. I could go for a gringo meat slurry crepe now. In romania, our fellow cbs show two broke girls translates to impoverished female sex clowns. Well, thats all the time we have for cultural translation or as its known in ecuador borderline racist, broken language desk bit. Well be right back with ellie kemper cheers and applause the seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Available at national retailers. The ford freedom sales event is on with our best offers of the year im free to do what i want. And 0 financing is back on a huge selection of ford cars, trucks and suvs. Plus get an extra 1000 smart bonus on specially tagged vehicles. Thats freedom from interest. And freedom to choose with ford. Americas best selling brand. Im free, baby now get 0 financing plus a 1000 smart bonus cash on specially tagged vehicles. Only at the ford freedom sales event. Feel free. Whos the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate . Miss monroe, eat a snickers. Why . You get a little cranky when youre hungry. Better . Much better. This scene will never make the cut. Wopen up a lot of dawn. Tough on grease. Yet gentle. Dawn helps open. Something even bigger. Go to facebook. Com, dawn saves wildlife. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is the star of the hit series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I met a really cute guy at a restaurant where i peed. Gross. Tell me more. A handsome soldier like lieutenant dan, col. Sanders. And he thought i was a soldier, too, because im tough like a soldier hyay sometimes i felt like i was moving backwards and sideways and any way but forward. So we are talking about fleet week. This is a guy who understands what i went through. When are you seeing him again . I didnt do that part. What i do say . Dont touch my dolls, theyre strictly look upons. No, the digits the digits stephen please welcome ellie kemper cheers and applause yea cheers and applause all right thank you thank you Stephen Lovely to see you. Lovely to see you. I can cover everything. This is a tent. Stephen a very jefferson dress. What people may not be able to see at home is youre quite pregnant. Stephen exactly how pregnant are we talking . Were talking final weeks. Stephen the home stretch. Yes, everything is going well. Stephen everything going as planned . Yes. Stephen first child. You have no plan. Exactly, life in general. Im a little disappointed because before getting pregnant i resolved to do all these things during my pregnancy to nurse a healthy pregnancy. Im finding i didnt do any of them playing Classical Music and reading war and peace to my kid. laughter a year ago i bought all these sardines. Stephen because they have the omega 3s. The fishy oils. Exactly. Stephen im a wife of three so i watched my wife go through the same thing. Wanting to do everything right and knowing you cant. Right. Stephen you cant, by the way. Okay, good. Stephen im not saying you havent been a failure so far as a mother. You have. laughter okay. Stephen im just saying everyone makes more plans than they can actually follow through with. That is comforting. Even though i failed. Stephen weve heard about this. We have sardines for you here. See, the thing is thank you. Stephen thank you. The reason i didnt eat any sardines is i hate sardines. But i am a selfless mother, so stephen take a whiff of that. Oh, gosh. Im my mothers daughter. I dont like fish. Oh stephen that is truly, like, you know what . If you knew you had to eat this while pregnant, thats a form of Birth Control laughter you dont have to eat this, do you . Yes, for baby. Stephen mmm. cheers and applause i dont like it stephen i think i might save the rest of that for later i think you should stephen fantastic on the other hand, i can feel baby getting smarter. Stephen who needs beethoven . applause who needs beethoven. Stephen is your own mother excited about your pregnancy . Shes very excited. Stephen full of advice . Yes, she has good advice. She has four children, and im one of them, and my brother has three kids, but this will be her, i dont know, first grandchild from me, so were very excited. Stephen first grandchild that counts is what you were going to say. laughter thank you for saying it. Stephen you guys can bond. Exactly. Stephen now, i understand that youre actually a practicing catholic. Like you. Stephen yeah. Yes, i am. I am a practicing catholic. Stephen i meet a lot of people in showbiz who say theyre a recovering catholic. But youre still sticking in there . Im in it for the long haul. If you drop out, i will. But as long as youre in it, ill stay with you. Stephen i was only in it because you are. So were tied. Yes, i am catholic. My wedding anniversary is coming up in a week and my husband cheering thanks, guys. Its very meaningful to me for many reasons but my husband whos not catholic, hes jewish, and thats fine. laughter stephen i hope hes watching and found out thats fine. I know your husband, hes a great guy, a hilarious writer. Yes, he is. Stephen pass that on to him. I l. Hes also jewish. He gamely agreed to get married in a Catholic Church because it meant a lot to me. We did a lot of things you did group. Married in the Catholic Church, right . Stephen i didnt. audience reacts oh, i didnt know. Stephen is the baby okay . laughter i got married by a Catholic Priest and episcopal minister in a presbyterian church. We had everything except jews. We shoveled everything into the pile hoping one would listen. Exactly. I didnt realize that. So you maybe didnt do precana. Stephen we did that. Its the thing where you have to go one retreat weekend or multiple weekends and be taught what its like to be married. It was a lot of good premarital advice. Michael and i had been talking about how will we raise the future children because were two different faiths and hadnt reached a resolution. In the ceremony, which wasnt a Catholic Church, the priest father oconnor, a softspoken, wise, grounded Catholic Priest, there was one question, he was saying, will you honor each other all the days of your life . Yes, i will. You come here freely to join yourselves in holy matrimony . Yes, we do. And then it was will you raise your children in accordance with the law of the Catholic Church, i was so worried, michael who cant lie, i was worried he was going to say, i dont know or something. I loudly said, i will and i saw michael go softly out of the corner of his mouth. Okay. Stephen youve worked it out. We have. Stephen congratulations on kimmy schmidt, which is so hilarious. applause thank you. Stephen and youre a big star and doing a lot of commercials, i understand. Im going a lot of commercials these days. Stephen is it fun . Is it like acting . It is like acting. I think the difference is your character motivation is send your kids to private school. Stephen yeah, okay. Well, ive done a lilt bit of it here. Ive done a lot of acting. Ive done commercials overseas. I actually represent there is a korean man spanx that i represent. cheers and applause oh stephen yeah. Ooh lala stephen the name is untranslatable in english. laughter i understand youve done foreign ads as well. We did a foreign ad for a new russian gum. Stephen okay. I understand that weve got a clip of this. Lets take a look at her commercial. laughter oh pure gum speaking Foreign Language booms applause stephen wow. Thats good. You can really taste the sturgeon. And the private schools. Stephen yeah. Well, the Second Season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is now streaming on netflix. The great ellie kemper, everybody cheers and applause plus one what knee pain . What sore elbow . What joint pain . Advil liquigels are so fast, they make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer than advil liquigels the worlds 1 choice what pain . Advil. With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of i said, its getting hot in herre new watermelon from limearita. The bold margarita. Is happening now at red lobster. Summerfest and if you love lobster and shrimp,. Check out all these new entrees. Like new coastal lobster and shrimp. With summer ale barbeque sauce,. And new lobster and shrimp overboard. Overboard . Nah,. Its just right. So hurry in. Man, im glaaflac c pays cash. Isnt Major Medical enough . No whos gonna help cover the holes in their plans . Aflac like rising copays and deductibles. Aflac or help pay the mortgage . Or child care . Aflaaac and everyday expenses . Aflac learn about one day pay at aflac. Com boat blurlbrlblrlbr and theyre off should we tell them there are more . Theyll figure it out, eventually. With simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, payment, withdrawal or transfer each month to waive the monthly fee. And theres no minimum balance. Youre alright. With simply right checking from santander bank. Are you feeling alright, baby . cheers and applause stephen thank you very much lovely people. Wonderful crowd. Thank you very much. You know my next guest from movies like gone girl and almost famous. His new show is outcast. Youre all grown up. You cant even sit in that pantry now. What . Padlock on the door. You used to draw pictures. Dont you remember . Youre talking nonsense. I know you kyle barnes. laughter stephen please welcome Patrick Fugit cheers and applause stephen welcome to the late show. Thank you, sir. Stephen and welcome to late night. I understand weve all known you for 16 years. This is the first time you have been on a late night show, i understand. That is correct. Stephen wow. Thank you very much. Thanks very much. So why not . You were almost famous and after that you didnt want to become all the way famous . You just didnt to the late night shows . You did films. Well, kate hudson is way better looking than me. Stephen she. I dont take offense. I knew at the time i know where i stand. Stephen yeah, mmhmm. After that, there was a nice wave of momentum for me but a lot of offers to play the same kind of role. You know, kid falls in love, doesnt get the girl but ends up learning a life lesson, that kind of thing. So i opted to play a meth head for the next role instead. Stephen okay, all right. Yeah, a meth head. Stephen does the meth head get the girl, though . No, he gets shot in the nuts. laughter stephen all right. By the way, i understand youre from utah. Are you from Salt Lake City itself . I grew up there. Stephen whats it like to grow up there . I love utah. Its a beautiful place. It is. Stephen but i understand youre not a mormon. No. Stephen whats it like growing up in Salt Lake City . Like an atheist growing up at the vatican . Is it a whole culture out there . Theres not as many l. D. S. People in Stephen Colbert<\/a> cheers and applause stephen hey hey welcome to the late show. cheers and applause hey im down here, everybody welcome welcome welcome to the late show here, there, everywhere thank you so much cheers and applause welcome to the late show, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the late show. Very excited. What a lovely crowd. What a lovely crowd this evening. Im your host Stephen Colbert<\/a> for the late show tonight. Quick question before we get on with the rest of the show, is anybody on facebook . Anybody here on facebook . cheers and applause well, theres big news from facebook today because theyre changing the algorithm behind your news feed, and its going to limit the amount of content from. Brands, celebrities and media in favor of more posts from friends. And i think i speak for everyone on facebook when i say well, theyre not exactly friends. applause just just people. The company says the tweak is going to be good news for users who want more cute baby photos. laughter im sorry. What was that again . There could be more baby photos on facebook . I know theyre your bundles of joy, but until theyre a year old they just look like little Dwight Eisenhowers<\/a> laughter little tiny each one of them defeated hitler. laughter now, personally, i want more posts from brands. I love cheezits. Theyre the only one of my facebook friends i actually spend time with. Been to bed with them a few times, too. Of course, someone is cheering the idea of me having sex with a snack. Thank you. Thank you very much. cheering of course, the president ial campaign is still at large. Cant seem to stop it. Every day i check the news. But every day, our two president ial candidates are still Hillary Clinton<\/a> and donald trump. A lot of people are finding it hard to get excited for these two candidates, and nothing proves that more than this actual new poll from Public Policy<\/a> polling. Hillary clinton got 43 , donald trump got 38 , and, this was an actual choice, a giant meteor hitting the earth got 13 . cheers and applause 38 for trump, 13 for a meteor, that adds up to 51 of the people are okay with the world coming to an end. cheers and applause two giant destructive orange balls. laughter the giant meteor hitting the earth polled particularly well among independent voters, and unsprisingly, poorly amongst dinosaurs. Now trump might be getting a boost in the polls because sources say trump is vetting Chris Christie<\/a> as a potential running mate. audience reacts christie would definitely help trump win voters in new jersey, who are anxious to get rid of Chris Christie<\/a>. laughter applause the source claims christie has begun the official vetting process, which i believe means trying to sell more lemonade in times square than gary busey. laughter meanwhile, yesterday, our current president obama was in canada. Like many americans, i assume he applause i assume he was applying for citizenship up there. laughter but he was also there for the north american Leaders Summit<\/a> with mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto<\/a> and canadian Prime Minister<\/a> and Disney Princess<\/a> justin trudeau. laughter very pretty. Hes very, very pretty. This was obamas last time at the summit, and the Canadian Parliament<\/a> begged for an encore. shouting. four more years four more years stephen wow, maybe he can get them to confirm his Supreme Court<\/a> nominee. But the big moment everyones talking about is this awkward handshake. Trudeau has obamas hand, goes for nietos and noooo forget it. Just forget it. Typical threesome. Seems like a good idea, but its just awkward. Theres always one guy who doesnt know where to put his hands. It happens all the time. Stalin, churchill, and f. D. R. Had the same problem at yalta. Leave him alone stephen you know what . Say hi to jon batiste and stay human band playing cheers and applause humming cheering thats nice. Oh. Ooh. You know what . Im so excited. Its summer. I want to get a tan. Im going to swim. Im going to drink it all in. This is going to be the summer i actually enjoy. If you are thinking about going on vacation this summer, you may want to think about going to china because theyve got disneyland there now. The new 5. 5 billion disneyland park. This a huge crosscultural moment. Now that disneyland is in china, children there will have context for the toys theyve been making. The park is already a huge success, but, apparently, a lot of names of Disney Properties<\/a> dont translate well into chinese, so they had to make some changes, like renaming dumbo little flying elephant, renaming frozen, enchanted destiny of snow, and the bibbiti bobbiti boutique was renamed colorful magical fanciful transformation. And mickey mouse is now chairman mouse. And its not just china that mmhmm. Thats good. And its not just china that renames things to something more culturally appropriate. I identify with this problem. Because the late show is broadcast everywhere from prussia to siam. Boy, we really need to update the maps in the writers room. So im going to take you on a trip around the globe, and share some of the changes we have to make for international audiences. This is late show cultural translations. Stephen welcome to late show cultural translations. First up, we air in england, which means if we do any Product Placement<\/a> of the candy reeses pieces, we have to use its british name runsons tidbits. Mmmm a stout fist of runsons will really chuff your gob. laughter also, this show airs in cameroon, where we have to change our name, the late show with Stephen Colbert<\/a> to twilight shenanigans with caucasian suit buffoon. The one with glasses. laughter applause its hard to tell us apart. Im the one with the glasses. Id watch that show. All right. We talk a lot about politics on this show, but foreigners often have different ways of referring to our candidates. For example, when talking about the democrats, to people in ghana, im covering the race between what could possibly go wrong with a stack of cards this high . laughter cheers and applause who knows . cheers and applause all right. Thank you for being here for our last show. laughter all right. We talk a lot about politics on this show. When talking about the democrats, to people in ghana, im covering the race between tensemerriment Corporation Woman<\/a> and rumpled giveaway grandpa. cheers and applause there you go right there you can have that right there all right. Now, lets see. Okay oh. And in thailand republican frontrunner donald trump is more commonly known as impossible promise tuxedo goblin. laughter applause heres an interesting fact. Whenever the show is broadcast in russia, if i ever refer the popular kids pizza arcade chuck e. Cheeses, we have to change it to commandant vermins musical pizza hell. cheers and applause there you go. All right. Lets see. Even in canada there are changes. For example, i have to change the title of the upcoming comic book movie suicide squad to mopey avengers go to hot topic. laughter applause mmhmm. In mexico, taco bells quesalupa is called drunk gringo meat slurry crepe. applause i could go for one of those. I could go for a gringo meat slurry crepe now. In romania, our fellow cbs show two broke girls translates to impoverished female sex clowns. Well, thats all the time we have for cultural translation or as its known in ecuador borderline racist, broken language desk bit. Well be right back with ellie kemper cheers and applause the seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Available at national retailers. The ford freedom sales event is on with our best offers of the year im free to do what i want. And 0 financing is back on a huge selection of ford cars, trucks and suvs. Plus get an extra 1000 smart bonus on specially tagged vehicles. Thats freedom from interest. And freedom to choose with ford. Americas best selling brand. Im free, baby now get 0 financing plus a 1000 smart bonus cash on specially tagged vehicles. Only at the ford freedom sales event. Feel free. Whos the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate . Miss monroe, eat a snickers. Why . You get a little cranky when youre hungry. Better . Much better. This scene will never make the cut. Wopen up a lot of dawn. Tough on grease. Yet gentle. Dawn helps open. Something even bigger. Go to facebook. Com, dawn saves wildlife. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is the star of the hit series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt<\/a>. I met a really cute guy at a restaurant where i peed. Gross. Tell me more. A handsome soldier like lieutenant dan, col. Sanders. And he thought i was a soldier, too, because im tough like a soldier hyay sometimes i felt like i was moving backwards and sideways and any way but forward. So we are talking about fleet week. This is a guy who understands what i went through. When are you seeing him again . I didnt do that part. What i do say . Dont touch my dolls, theyre strictly look upons. No, the digits the digits stephen please welcome ellie kemper cheers and applause yea cheers and applause all right thank you thank you Stephen Lovely<\/a> to see you. Lovely to see you. I can cover everything. This is a tent. Stephen a very jefferson dress. What people may not be able to see at home is youre quite pregnant. Stephen exactly how pregnant are we talking . Were talking final weeks. Stephen the home stretch. Yes, everything is going well. Stephen everything going as planned . Yes. Stephen first child. You have no plan. Exactly, life in general. Im a little disappointed because before getting pregnant i resolved to do all these things during my pregnancy to nurse a healthy pregnancy. Im finding i didnt do any of them playing Classical Music<\/a> and reading war and peace to my kid. laughter a year ago i bought all these sardines. Stephen because they have the omega 3s. The fishy oils. Exactly. Stephen im a wife of three so i watched my wife go through the same thing. Wanting to do everything right and knowing you cant. Right. Stephen you cant, by the way. Okay, good. Stephen im not saying you havent been a failure so far as a mother. You have. laughter okay. Stephen im just saying everyone makes more plans than they can actually follow through with. That is comforting. Even though i failed. Stephen weve heard about this. We have sardines for you here. See, the thing is thank you. Stephen thank you. The reason i didnt eat any sardines is i hate sardines. But i am a selfless mother, so stephen take a whiff of that. Oh, gosh. Im my mothers daughter. I dont like fish. Oh stephen that is truly, like, you know what . If you knew you had to eat this while pregnant, thats a form of Birth Control<\/a> laughter you dont have to eat this, do you . Yes, for baby. Stephen mmm. cheers and applause i dont like it stephen i think i might save the rest of that for later i think you should stephen fantastic on the other hand, i can feel baby getting smarter. Stephen who needs beethoven . applause who needs beethoven. Stephen is your own mother excited about your pregnancy . Shes very excited. Stephen full of advice . Yes, she has good advice. She has four children, and im one of them, and my brother has three kids, but this will be her, i dont know, first grandchild from me, so were very excited. Stephen first grandchild that counts is what you were going to say. laughter thank you for saying it. Stephen you guys can bond. Exactly. Stephen now, i understand that youre actually a practicing catholic. Like you. Stephen yeah. Yes, i am. I am a practicing catholic. Stephen i meet a lot of people in showbiz who say theyre a recovering catholic. But youre still sticking in there . Im in it for the long haul. If you drop out, i will. But as long as youre in it, ill stay with you. Stephen i was only in it because you are. So were tied. Yes, i am catholic. My wedding anniversary is coming up in a week and my husband cheering thanks, guys. Its very meaningful to me for many reasons but my husband whos not catholic, hes jewish, and thats fine. laughter stephen i hope hes watching and found out thats fine. I know your husband, hes a great guy, a hilarious writer. Yes, he is. Stephen pass that on to him. I l. Hes also jewish. He gamely agreed to get married in a Catholic Church<\/a> because it meant a lot to me. We did a lot of things you did group. Married in the Catholic Church<\/a>, right . Stephen i didnt. audience reacts oh, i didnt know. Stephen is the baby okay . laughter i got married by a Catholic Priest<\/a> and episcopal minister in a presbyterian church. We had everything except jews. We shoveled everything into the pile hoping one would listen. Exactly. I didnt realize that. So you maybe didnt do precana. Stephen we did that. Its the thing where you have to go one retreat weekend or multiple weekends and be taught what its like to be married. It was a lot of good premarital advice. Michael and i had been talking about how will we raise the future children because were two different faiths and hadnt reached a resolution. In the ceremony, which wasnt a Catholic Church<\/a>, the priest father oconnor, a softspoken, wise, grounded Catholic Priest<\/a>, there was one question, he was saying, will you honor each other all the days of your life . Yes, i will. You come here freely to join yourselves in holy matrimony . Yes, we do. And then it was will you raise your children in accordance with the law of the Catholic Church<\/a>, i was so worried, michael who cant lie, i was worried he was going to say, i dont know or something. I loudly said, i will and i saw michael go softly out of the corner of his mouth. Okay. Stephen youve worked it out. We have. Stephen congratulations on kimmy schmidt, which is so hilarious. applause thank you. Stephen and youre a big star and doing a lot of commercials, i understand. Im going a lot of commercials these days. Stephen is it fun . Is it like acting . It is like acting. I think the difference is your character motivation is send your kids to private school. Stephen yeah, okay. Well, ive done a lilt bit of it here. Ive done a lot of acting. Ive done commercials overseas. I actually represent there is a korean man spanx that i represent. cheers and applause oh stephen yeah. Ooh lala stephen the name is untranslatable in english. laughter i understand youve done foreign ads as well. We did a foreign ad for a new russian gum. Stephen okay. I understand that weve got a clip of this. Lets take a look at her commercial. laughter oh pure gum speaking Foreign Language<\/a> booms applause stephen wow. Thats good. You can really taste the sturgeon. And the private schools. Stephen yeah. Well, the Second Season<\/a> of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt<\/a> is now streaming on netflix. The great ellie kemper, everybody cheers and applause plus one what knee pain . What sore elbow . What joint pain . Advil liquigels are so fast, they make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer than advil liquigels the worlds 1 choice what pain . Advil. With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of i said, its getting hot in herre new watermelon from limearita. The bold margarita. Is happening now at red lobster. Summerfest and if you love lobster and shrimp,. Check out all these new entrees. Like new coastal lobster and shrimp. With summer ale barbeque sauce,. And new lobster and shrimp overboard. Overboard . Nah,. Its just right. So hurry in. Man, im glaaflac c pays cash. Isnt Major Medical<\/a> enough . No whos gonna help cover the holes in their plans . Aflac like rising copays and deductibles. Aflac or help pay the mortgage . Or child care . Aflaaac and everyday expenses . Aflac learn about one day pay at aflac. Com boat blurlbrlblrlbr and theyre off should we tell them there are more . Theyll figure it out, eventually. With simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, payment, withdrawal or transfer each month to waive the monthly fee. And theres no minimum balance. Youre alright. With simply right checking from santander bank. Are you feeling alright, baby . cheers and applause stephen thank you very much lovely people. Wonderful crowd. Thank you very much. You know my next guest from movies like gone girl and almost famous. His new show is outcast. Youre all grown up. You cant even sit in that pantry now. What . Padlock on the door. You used to draw pictures. Dont you remember . Youre talking nonsense. I know you kyle barnes. laughter stephen please welcome Patrick Fugit<\/a> cheers and applause stephen welcome to the late show. Thank you, sir. Stephen and welcome to late night. I understand weve all known you for 16 years. This is the first time you have been on a late night show, i understand. That is correct. Stephen wow. Thank you very much. Thanks very much. So why not . You were almost famous and after that you didnt want to become all the way famous . You just didnt to the late night shows . You did films. Well, kate hudson is way better looking than me. Stephen she. I dont take offense. I knew at the time i know where i stand. Stephen yeah, mmhmm. After that, there was a nice wave of momentum for me but a lot of offers to play the same kind of role. You know, kid falls in love, doesnt get the girl but ends up learning a life lesson, that kind of thing. So i opted to play a meth head for the next role instead. Stephen okay, all right. Yeah, a meth head. Stephen does the meth head get the girl, though . No, he gets shot in the nuts. laughter stephen all right. By the way, i understand youre from utah. Are you from Salt Lake City<\/a> itself . I grew up there. Stephen whats it like to grow up there . I love utah. Its a beautiful place. It is. Stephen but i understand youre not a mormon. No. Stephen whats it like growing up in Salt Lake City<\/a> . Like an atheist growing up at the vatican . Is it a whole culture out there . Theres not as many l. D. S. People in Salt Lake City<\/a> as people think, but i went to a predominantly l. D. S. School system, so i grew up with a lot of mormon kids, and im not mormon, so when they all find out youre not being baptized, which is third grade, which is an awesome time for people to find out that youre super weird, i did not belong to a ward and those are awkward questions to answer. I also did ballet. Stephen you did ballet . I did. I dont anymore, regretfully. I did not play foot ball, soccer or go to a ward, so i was weird. Stephen were you a bad child . No, i was a cutup. I was, like, the class clown when i needed to be. Stephen what about ballet class. Were you a cutup in ballet class . Can you be a cutup in ballet class . You can, yeah. Its not a good move. laughter my mother was my ballet teacher. Stephen wow. No pressure. No pressure at all. And shes a delightful woman. Shes the best mother i could ask for. She has those felt coloring books. Ill walk into the kitchen and shell say, you want to color with me, patt patty . Stephen when you were a child . Like three weeks ago. Stephen thats a very sweet story. Thank you. Stephen youre welcome. When she teaches, shes not to be toyed with. She call her miss jan. Stephen you got no special treatment. She was extra hard on me. But i deserved it. Stephen were you a bad dancer . Yeah, i was in a room in tights with a bunch of pretty girls who were also in tights. And i was, like, this is the bestcase scenario for me. You make girls laugh. I thought thats how you did it. Stephen sure. It never worked at that age, but i tried. And mom, man, she could make anybody cry in class on the spot. Stephen really . Even now, yeah. Stephen how . Hell just put you on the spot in front of everybody. She calls out what youre doing. Ballet is serious. They get super serious about their ballet. Stephen and they probably dont like it when you go super serious about their ballet, probably one of the things they dont like that at all laughter dont like that, yeah. Stephen the show is called outcast, and you cast out demons in this show. Do you believe in demonic possession, things like that . You know, i dont, but im not closing the door on it. I havent seen, you know, some things. So, you know, ive led a fairly uneventful coughing excuse me one second normal life. Stephen i think i might have gotten possessed. Its my fault. I cursed you. Stephen as a catholic, i cant help it. I know its not real, but its totally real to me. I cant watch the exorcist. That would freak me out. The little clip we had, very freaky and scary. So it doesnt scare you at all. Do you have any superstitions . I dont like sharks, but thats just a sensible stephen thats not a superstition. There is evidence they exist. laughter yeah. So i really dont like that. But empty chairs will freak me out. In the Hotel Im Staying<\/a> at, they had a whole couch, and the couch was empty and i woke up at 3 00 a. M. This morning and it was empty and i could just see something sitting there staring at me. laughter there was clearly nothing there. Stephen you sensed something there. I got up and i put my clothing on the couch just so if something were to sit there, they would have to move it and i would know. Stephen i dont want to freak you out. laughter right over there. Hold on one second. Hold on. cheers and applause all right. Feeling better . Yes, thank you. Stephen congratulations on outcast which airs fridays on cinemax. Patrick fugit, everybody well be right back schmplet. cheers and applause hey troy hello. So, thanks for testing our new car service today. Oh, no problem. This is the nicest Ride Sharing Service<\/a> ive ever been in. Im so comfortable. I could take a nap right now. So, our rates are a little bit different. Okay we charge by the amount of gas consumed. Ooh since we traveled 4. 43 miles, and this chevy malibu offers an epa estimated 47 miles per gallon city. Your total is. 22 cents. both noo way. I can afford that 26 cents. Do you have a quarter . Hahaha the all new 2016 chevy malibu hybrid. Its just so smart. And youre talking to your doctor about your medication. This is humira. This is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage. This is humira helping me go further. Humira works for many adults. It targets and helps to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. Doctors have been prescribing humira for over 13 years. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Ready for a new chapter . Talk to your rheumatologist. This is humira at work. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like oh, i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. State farm knows that every one those moments, theres one of these. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. Thats why were there, with renters insurance, when things go wrong. But also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. State farm. cheers and applause stephen oh, hey hey, folks. Thank you so much. I have a quick question. Has anybody here ever been to the waffle house . Theyre predominantly a southern thing. Started in the south. I grew up in South Carolina<\/a> cheering when i was a kid, really starting in high school, after me and my friends, like one of my best friends, chip hill, this guy right here, thats me in the background, there is chip being possessed by, lets say, a need to go to waffle house late at night. We would always go to this one waffle house in charleston and order the left side to have the menu. We wrote a song called no shirt, no shoes, no knuckle heads. We did it on the show, showed it to waffle house and they put it on the damn jukebox cheers and applause and i didnt believe them. So we went down to the exact watching house that i spent my childhood at to see whether they had really done it and to get a taste of the waffle house lifestyle. Jim . Hi, im here with sturnlgle simpson. Were about to go into the waffle house i spent my young drunkenness in and well play our song officially for the first time on the jukebox. Thanks for being here. Absolutely stoked. Ready . Come on whoa laughter ow whoo its good to be back. Well, sturgle, what does it mean to you to have your song on the waffle house jukebox . I could never imagine this could be a reality. Stephen i know the feeling. I can honestly say, as long as my family isnt watching, that this is the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. Before the world house premiere, we wanted to meet waffle waffle housemates. Are you ready to party . Are you guys hot right now . No i dont drink. Want to party . Kevin. No. Kevin. Yes. Yes, you do. Yes, be honest. I am. This is not my first time to the waffle rodeo. All right . Okay. Look in his eyes, look at sturgles eyes. Dont bull bleep him, kevin. Stephen how long have you been growing your hair . Ten years. Stephen the carpet matches the drapes, guys. Finally we hit the waffle house mother load, what appeared to be four extras from dazed and confused. Where you guys been all night . Stephen you guys not getting much sleep lately or something . Whats up . All right, were cool. Were totally cool. Stephen you guys cool . Obviously. Stephen and everything was cool, until sturgle thought he spotted a knucklehead. Do not make eye contact with him. Do not. Fight it. It is not worth it. You dont want any part of this. Ive seen it 50 times. Think twice before you look at him. Do not look at him. Do not do not stephen crisis averted. It was finally time for our jukebox premiere. First, the hash brown maiden scattered and smothered the red carpet. Then we checked out the competition. Huh look at that i dont see any songs by kanye or beyonce about the waffle house. No easy. I didnt see the genius beethoven on there either. Sturgle1 ludwig zero. Ready, do it. laughter yall ready to get your minds blown . cheering you want some good food they got waffles and bacon but an all star breakfast comes with rules no shirt, no shoes, no knuckleheads stephen hey, sturgle, check it out applause what . laughter man stephen man, i love you waffle house cheers and applause stephen thank you, sturgle no shirt, no shoes, no knuckleheads is now officially on every waffle house jukebox in america. And everyone should play it at least five times whenever theyre at waffle house, or well be right back with we are scientists. cheers and applause band playing you know we said wed take a look at our Retirement Plan<\/a> today. Not now im cleaning the oven yeah, im cleaning the gutters washing the dog washing the cat well im learning snapchamp chat. Chat changing the oil. vo its surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. Pressurewashing the. Roses. Aerating the lawn vo but with nationwide its no big deal. Okay, your Retirement Plan<\/a> is all set. Nationwide . Awesome. Nice neighborhood. Nationwide is on your side rustling sound effects, did we put away all the food . Define all. Ahhhhhhhhh cheetos crunching such majestic creatures. Brewmaster. Risktaker. I sold everything i had to own a brewery. You might have heard its name. Stella artois be legacy the seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Available at national retailers. Its builtin backup wbraid helps stop leaks by channeling them back into the core giving you the best protection at home and onthego tampax. Power over periods. I survived breast cancer. If the doctors hadnt caught it early i might not be sitting here. So im outraged that pat toomey voted to defund planned parenthood. Which thousands of pennsylvania women depend on for cancer screenings. Pat toomey was even willing to shut down the federal government to eliminate funding for planned parenthood. Shut down the government over planned parenthood . I think we ought to shut down pat toomey. Women vote is responsible for the content of this advertising. Stephen here performing buckle with some creepy cat balloons, please welcome, we are scientists how could this take so long its been ages, dear through these wasted months waiting patiently til you made me see why not make this interesting i want you to buckle when you think of me i wish i could bottle everything you need i want you to buckle when you think of me i want you to buckle when you see you knew me from afar what you make of me you proved that i was wrong about everything and you made me see why not make this interesting i want you to buckle when you think of me i wish i could bottle everything you need i want you to buckle when you think of me i want you to buckle when you see why not make this interesting i want you to buckle when you think of me i wish i could bottle everything you need i want you to buckle when you think of me i want you to buckle when you see cheers and applause stephen their new album, helter seltzer, is available now we are scientists, everybody well be right back. Stephen thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow, when my guests will be zachary quinto, nathasha lyonne, and 2chainz. Now dont go away, james corden is next. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group<\/a> at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from. We about to get it right. The late late show. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from yakushima, japan, give","publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"archive.org","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","width":"800","height":"600","url":"\/\/ia801200.us.archive.org\/17\/items\/KYW_20160701_033500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert\/KYW_20160701_033500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert.thumbs\/KYW_20160701_033500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert_000001.jpg"}},"autauthor":{"@type":"Organization"},"author":{"sameAs":"archive.org","name":"archive.org"}}],"coverageEndTime":"20240625T12:35:10+00:00"}