Stephen good to see you, my friend. Jon, whats up . Good to see you. Nice to see you. Welcome to the late show, folks. Please, have a seat. Youre too kind. Youre too kind. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host. Im your host, stephen colbert. And, you know sorry, what . Whats this . Whats this . Oh, hang on, let me see. Oh, this . Its no big deal, just the clemson helmet given to me by South Carolina governor nikki haley, and signed by clemson head coach dabo swinney. cheers and applause i wear it all the time. I wear it all the time, i usually just take it off before i come out here. Oh, hey, i just remembered, last night clemson defeated alabama to become College FootballsNational Champion cheers and applause no big deal, National Champion. And since ive got the helmet, im kind of National Champion, too. Couldnt play last night because i had to do my show. I was very backbench. And, wow, what a great game, real backandforth affair. Did you guys see the game . Did anybody watch the game . cheers and applause incredible, incredible, yeah. First, one team has the ball and their guy was running, then the other team they got the ball for a while, and then they were throwing it to their guy, who caught it. Impossible to figure out who was going to win the game, because i was watching big bang theory. But still, still, hell of a game. Congratulations to all the players. You earned every penny last night, guys, good for you. laughter and applause meanwhile there you go, downtown. Meanwhile, whats going on . Oh, trumps transition is still steaming along like a whats a big steaming thing . Anyway, its steaming, is the important thing. It clears the pores, when you put your face over it. Today, the senate began confirmation hearings for attorney general nominee and keebler elf who escaped the tree, Jeff Sessions. These confirmation hearings, ive watched a few, they can get pretty tense, but there were a few laughs. Were about to get an answer to the ageold question, can you be confirmed attorney general of the United States over the objection of 1,400 law professors . laughs laughs stephen ha, ha, ha. Its funny because nothing matters. laughter sessions nomination has caused a little bit of controversy because of accusations of racist talkietalk. Heres the deal back in the 1980s, his African American assistant attorney testified that sessions called him boy on multiple occasions, and he joked that he thought the k. K. K. Members were okay, until he learned they smoked marijuana. Right . Burn a cross . Okay. Burn one down . No. laughter uhuh, nuhuh, no. Now, sessions admitted that he said this back then, but he was joking, and today immediately addressed the White Elephant in the room. Let me address another issue straight on. I was accused in 1986, of failing to protect the Voting Rights of African Americans, by presenting the perry county case, the voter fraud case, and of condemning civil rights advocates and organizations and even harboring, amazingly, sympathies for the k. K. K. These are damnably false charges. I abhor the klan and what it represents, and its hateful ideology. Stephen okay, Jeff Sessions doesnt love the klan. Well, i guess were done here. Everyone be careful not to trip over that extremely low bar as youre leaving the chamber. laughter now, sessions record raises concerns for democrats, but its going to be almost impossible for them to block him because hes too nice. Thats just how politics works. Andrew jackson was responsible for the trail of tears, but remember when he ordered pizza for everybody . Nice guy. Besides, every office even here every office has that one guy with some questionable views, but you put up with it because hes so nice. Weve got one here at the late show, our accounts payable guy, andy. Super sweet guy, but just here, take a look. Whos up for karaoke tonight . 7 00, on me . Spouses welcome. Sometimes i wonder if world war ii ended the right way. Anybody else . Oh, come on tell me you dont think hunting old people on a Desert Island would be a ton of fun. Im sorry, im going on and on. Hows your family doing . Have a nice weekend. Remember, just because women can legally vote, doesnt mean they should stephen solid guy. Super solid guy. The point is, i dont care how nice sessions is. I just dont think that Jeff Sessions is qualified for the job. My question is very simple. Is grabbing a woman by her genitals without consent, is that Sexual Assault . Yes. Stephen i like him. laughter well, what else is going on with the trump people . Oh, the rumor i told you about last night is official Donald Trumps soninlaw, jared kushner, will be named Senior Adviser to the president. Now, in fairness come on now, come on. Give him a shot here. In fairness to kushner, his qualifications go well beyond being Donald Trumps soninlaw. Hes also married to Donald Trumps daughter. laughter jon yeah. Stephen now, a lot of people are saying that this violates the 1967 federal antinepotism statute, which prohibits Public Officials from appointing relatives to a civilian position in the agency over which he exercises control. But trumps folks say there is no conflict because, a, the white house is not an agency, and b, donald trump has never exercised control. laughter cheers and applause and were good were good. I like that. That was very nice. Jon its trump music, yeah. Stephen thats the donald trump music . Jon yeah, thats the trump train, you know what im saying . Stephen can i hear that . Stephen sounds like were going up a hill. Jon yeah, because stephen and then we jump off the top when we get up there. laughter jon thats right, thats right. Stephen well, just like his fatherinlaw, mr. Kushner will not take a salary. And just like his fatherinlaw, i really wish he would. I want a guy who needs the gig, not someone who sees running the country as a hobby, like, you know, a way to meet people. Like, ill run the country instead of joining an adult kickball league. Now, trump needs to hire a lot of people, because unlike previous transitions, trump is getting rid of all of obama hires, immediately. Everybody is fired, whether he has replacements for them or not. And this is true hes even getting rid of the people in charge of maintaining our nuclear arsenal. Yep, theyre leaving our Nuclear Weapons home alone. Yes, its a great new movie about a young member of isis out to steal our weaponsgrade plutonium. I believe we have a clip. Excuse me. Where do they store the nukes . Down the hall and to the left. Thanks. Stephen it should be fine. It should be fine. cheers and applause jon fly away stephen heres the thing the people of the National NuclearSecurity Administration who, again, guard our Nuclear Stockpile legally can only follow orders from the two officers who just got fired by trump. So what are they going to do now, outsource it to a task rabbit . Set up a take a nuke, leave a nuke tray . I admit, while this cause some concern, one nuclear official had some words of calm for a troubled nation im more and more coming around to the idea that were so very, very bleep . laughter but on the bright side, if the world ends, trump will be a one term president. laughter cheers and applause now what else is going on . How about some lessdisturbing news, okay . Heres one. Theres a new biography of author margaret wise brown. You know the childrens classic, goodnight moon. Shes the lady who wrote that. And im only halfway through the book, dont tell me what happens. Dont tell me what happens to the bowl full of mush. Now, wise browns biography is getting some headlines, because apparently brown had a pretty wild life, including longterm affairs with a married man and a married woman. No surprise. Childrens authors can be pretty freaky. There are rumors that dr. Seuss had a kink where he liked to be slurfed with a durf in his glurf. Thats right up the glurf. Now, legally, i cant show a glurf on cbs. But i think we all know what the glurf is. Jon whoa, whoa. Stephen you know what a glurf is. Youre an adult. Jon yeah, yeah, glurf. Uhhuh. Thats right, uhhuh. Stephen thats how they make babies in whoville. Jon oh, thats right. Stephen they stick it up your whereville. Now, another big laughter just trying to keep it light before the world ends. Just trying to keep it light before they take our nukes. Im just trying to keep it light. Another big revelation brown told a reporter, i dont especially like children. No surprise there. After all, she let a child sleep in a room with an unattended fire. But the Biggest Surprise is that the characters in goodnight moon are bunnies, and according this biography, brown was an avid rabbit hunter, which explains why the old lady was whispering hush. Margaret wise brown was headed over with a shotgun shut your mouth or its goodnight, everybody laughter applause well, in light of these revelations, we at the late show have acquired an early draft of goodnight moon that reflects margaret wise browns lifestyle when she wrote it. Here we go. Everybody get comfy. In the great green room there was a telephone and a red balloon. I called my married lovers. Theyll be here soon. The kids fast asleep. I made him go hush by putting some ambien in the dinner mush. laughter goodnight, mittens. Goodnight, toy house. Hello, lovers who have a spouse. laughter jon oh, oh applause stephen im not sure whats going on here. Goodnight you, goodnight me. Please, leave this out of my biography. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Andrew garfield is here. Oh, look weve got fees ew, really . Oh, its our verizon bill look at them. Line access fee, administrative fees, there are even taxes on top of them. Decent people shouldnt have to live like this did i get it . Tmobile ends surprise fees and taxes thats right, with tmobile one, taxes and fees are now included 4 lines, 40 bucks each. All unlimited, all in. Its crispety. Its crunchety. Its a oneofakind experience. Butterfinger. Theres nothing like it. So tasty. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a golden globe and tonynominated actor who scaled walls in spiderman, patched up american g. I. In hacksaw ridge, and now plays a jesuit priest in Martin Scorseses silence. Please welcome andrew garfield. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen wow you nailed the landing i dont know what youre talking about. Stephen how you have been . Very good. Very happy to be here. I love this show. I love what youre doing. I think youre voicing everyones concerns and youre keeping us light, and im very, very grateful. cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Youre reflecting a lot of the horror that im feeling in my heart and body, and i appreciate that as well. Stephen well, thank you. I have enormous affection for you right now, for some reason, too. Thank you very much. Is it because of the flattery . Stephen i like anyone who likes me. Congratulations on this amazing year of yours, between silence and hacksaw ridge, you turned in two of the most powerful performances of the year. You were just nominated for a golden globe. You didnt win. Im sorry about that. Thank you for bringing that up. Stephen but you also had one of the most memorable moments. You kind of stole cheers you kind of stole stole focus because you were sitting there with Ryan Reynolds and, he was up against ryan gosling. Yes. Stephen you know, for the golden globe, and this is what happened when ryan gosling won. This is what happened between you and Ryan Reynolds. There you go and. cheers and applause what happened what happened whats the story there . Whats going on there . I just wanted ryan to know that i loved him, no matter whether he won or lost. I just wanted, wanted him to know that i stephen thats very supportive. Yeah, that it doesnt matter. Its how you play the game. He showed up and he gave his all, and it doesnt change anything in my heart, so i just wanted stephen and you love him just as much. Yeah, and i just wanted him to know that. Stephen thats nice. And youre very comfortable with kissing other men. I mean, i dont even understand the question. Stephen me, either. Me, either. Not everybody is, but im totally comfortable with it, too. I just want to you know that at any point during this all right. cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers cheers stephen what were we talking about . laughter applause so, youre laughter youre a very gentle lover, ill start with that. Youre nominated you were nominated for hacksaw ridge. Yes. Stephen right, and and you turned in an incredible performance in silence. These are both men of deep faith. Mmhmm. Stephen were you raised with any particular deep faith of your own . I wasnt, actually, strangely enough. I was raised very open. I was given a lot of you know, it was really stephen like a Free Range Chicken . Like a Free Range Chicken yeah. Took the words right out of my mouth. You know, its a weird thing. One of my heroes growing up was mahatma gandhi. Thats a weird thing to have as a hero when youre seven. Stephen well oh, seven . When youre seven or eight. Yeah. And i was just fascinated by stephen because you wouldnt eat your vegetables and you were like, mom, im like gandhi. Why gandhi when you were seven . How were you exposed to him . I cant even remember how it happened. I just remember being very young and going to school for the first time and seeing the playground bully and not really understanding why he was the way he was. And my first impulse was to to hug him and kind of tell him, its all right. You dont have to behave this way. Stephen at seven . I dont, i dont understand. It was something i think its my mothers fault. She taught me about unconditional love, and she taught me about hurt people hurt people hurt people. People who are hurt, hurt people. Hurt other people. Am i explaining this . Stephen i was with you the first time. Okay, fine. Stephen no, i get it. Its simple but deep. Yeah, very deep. And it kind of i really owe it to my wonderful mother, lynn garfield. And there was something about gandhi that, you know, him and my mother were my heroes growing up, in that regard. But then, of course, i became this bullys target, because i saw him very, very deeply. And he understood stephen did you hug him . Oh, yeah. I would protect him from bigger bullies. You know, i was the one that was, like, protecting him and explaining to the bigger bullies, you dont understand, hes just deeply damaged by his kind of, his mothers abandonment of him, and his dad doesnt know what hes doing and he drinks whatever it was. Stephen was there any benefit to this behavior of yours . Did he still pick on you . Oh, yeah, more and more, because of it. And i for some reason kept on protecting him. I mean, this was a bizarre, toxic, unhealthy relationship, much like our relationship with our future president elect, kind of, possibly. cheers and applause stephen but thats but youre but thats self sacrificial. Thats very christlike of you. Well. Yes. No, no, please it was a bit foolish as well. But, i mean, yeah, i dont know. Stephen christ says, call no man fool. But i just what about yourself . Can you call yourself a fool . Stephen a fool for christ, i suppose. laughter weve got to take a little break, but well be right back with more andrew garfield. Stick around. band playing applause to help provide access to cleanh water to womeng and their families in the developing world. We can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. Digiorno . Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Tawell, the only place youn, need go. Oll . Londons got the best of everything. Cornwalls got the best of everything. Sport sport nightlife nightlife both fashion adventure im tellin ya, britain is the only place you really need go. Expedia. Everything you need to travel britain better. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. band playing applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with andrew garfield, the star of silence and hacksaw ridge. In this new movie silence, you play a jesuit missionary we had adam driver on here the other night. The two of you play jesuit missionaries who go to japan during the tokugawa shogunate, like, when japan is closed, to try to find liam neeson. Did you have to study laughter i know, i know. Not actually liam neeson; you know what im trying to say. And he plays himself in the film. Stephen yeah, yeah. Hes that good. That good and stephen did you have to study like, did you study to be a jesuit . I studied with a mutual friend of ours, father james martin, who used to stephen sure, he was the chaplain of colbert nation. Yeah, and someone i love as dearly as you seem to. I studied with him for a year and i went through the ignation spiritual exercises. Stephen what do you do . I never actually studied with a jesuit. What do you have to do . Is it like, becoming a kung fu monk, but with praying . What do you do to get ready for it . Pretty much like the most gentle, compassionate kung fu monk there is. You know, not only did we study the theology and the history of the society of jesus, but theres these processes called the spiritual exercises, that st. Ignatius created when he founded the order. And its kind of the basis for all 12step programs around the world, a. A. Being the first. And its this transformational process where you do this imaginative, meditative prayers with the life of jesus, where you place yourself in each scene, much like being an actor. And actually, i found out that stanislavski, who invented modern acting, the method of modern acting that resulted in the american method and everything after that, was deeply inspired by st. Ignatius spiritual exercises. So i felt kind of right at home and it was this very