Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Felicity Huffman jurnee smolletbell and comedian anthony devito. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody hey, chris. Whats up, paul . Hey thanks, everybody. Well, folks, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy friday. You guys ready for the weekend . cheers and applause i love a friday crowd. I love a friday crowd. Theyre elect. Now, donald trump has good weekends down in maralago, all the time. Ever since he became the most powerful man in the world, weve heard a lot about this guy and his potential conflict of interest overseas. Well, theres a new one. This week, we learned that trump may have violated the constitution to trademark massage parlors and Escort Services in china. laughter . Jon whoa, whoa stephen this is true. And unlike these massages, the Trump Presidency may not have a happy ending. Now so i hear. So i hear. cheers and applause . Jon i dont know about that one. Stephen ive always known the constitution is tough on massage parlors. Thats why George Washington had to close papa georges ye olde tannery and tug shoppe. laughter now, we dont really know his motives here. Evidently, Many Companies register trademarks in china to prevent others from using their. Names. So we might not have the kind of president who opens chinese Escort Services, but we definitely have the kind who knows his name would be perfect for one. laughter there is also there is also a little bit of controversy swirling around trumps new head of the Environmental Protection agency, former Oklahoma Attorney general and bargain bin george w. Bush, scott pruitt. He is a man who knows the e. P. A. Extremely well, because hes sued it 14 times. And yesterday, pruitt made headlines for what he said in this interview. Let me ask you one other thing, just to get to the nittygritty. Do you believe that its been proven that c. O. 2 is the primary control knob for climate . Do you believe that . No, i would not agree that its a primary contributor to the Global Warming that we see. Stephen yeah, its not a primary contributor to the Global Warming we see, just the kind we feel, as it gets hotter and hotter every year. laughter cant see it. You know what the head of the e. P. A. Might want to read . The e. P. A. s own website, which states clearly that human activity, like burning fossil fuels, release large amounts of carbon dioxide, the primary Greenhouse Gas contributing to recent climate change. You really shouldnt contradict your own website. Thats like buzzfeed saying they dont believe a quiz can tell you if youre a lumiere or a cogsworth. laughter lumiere, by the way. Jon oh, yeah, uhhuh. Stephen but maybe pruitt is right. Maybe c. O. 2 isnt the number one cause of Global Warming. Maybe its the head of the e. P. A. Blowing smoke up the oil industrys ass. cheers and applause oh, tom brady is back in the news. You all know tom brady. Im sure you know that guy from the super bowl. Jon hut hut stephen thru have it, whether you love him or hate him, those are definitely the only two options. And now the thing is, tom brady is endorsing a Meal Subscription Service called purple carrot, which, of course, is named after one of the healthiest euphemisms for a penis. And the company is offering a new line of meals that follow bradys notoriously healthy diet, including by the way, if youre not gingering your amoranth, youre an idiot. Do you, jon . Jon i cant say they do. Stephen how many super bowl rings do you have . Jon i dont have any. Stephen thats why. Brady clearly excitedly about the partnership releasing the following statement okay, but heres the thing eating like tom brady isnt the part of his life that you fantasize about. laughter please, let me know when theres a Subscription Service that mails you a super model, Championship Rings and 24 million a year. cheers and applause if not, if not, i might just stick to watching football and drinking my way to nacho cheese. laughter heres a great story out of deliver bliffia. Any bliffians here. Audience yeah stephen youre going to love this story. That one guy is going to love this story here. We always have one every night, one bolivian every night. Heres a great story out of bolivia, where a Franciscan Monastery recently adopted a stray dog and named him friar bigoton, literally translates to friar moustache. Thats the cutest catholic dog name since pope peanut xiv. He radicalized the churchs stance on whos a good boy . Upon receiving his new title, friar moustache also received his own robe and hood aw, whos a devout puppy . You are yes, you are remember your vow of celebacy. No leg humping. No humping the leg. Anyway, its a cute story. Sorry, women, still no room in the priesthood. But this gives me an idea. People love friar moustache and people love hbo dramas about revolutionary religious figures, so get ready for my new project. Dog monk. This spring dog is god spelled. Backwards. cheers and applause do you have a dog . Jon oh, no, no dog. Stephen you dont have a dog . Jon no. Stephen have you ever had a dog . Jon i had a dog when i was a kid. I had a german sheppard. Stephen name . Jon i forgot his name. Stephen oh, okay. Mans best friend, indeed. You dont rememberlet cogs name . A. I was very young. It was my o. Stephen another so it wasnt really your dog. Jon it wasnt really. Stephen i have a dog named cookie, the best dog in the world. For the record. I had it notarized. Theres an exciting new option for Older Americans because, apparently, Jimmy Buffett is opening a series of retirement homes. Now Senior Citizens can literally waste away in margaritaville. laughter applause according too according to the website, these assisted living facilities are inspired by the Legendary Music and lifestyle of Jimmy Buffett. Although theyre going to have to adapt cheeseburger in paradise to green jello in the day room. laughter but, you know, not every senior suffers from earlyonset parrothead, and our elderly of course need options when it comes to choosing the musicianaffiliated nursing home thats right for them. For example, sammy hagars cabo wabo retirement beach. Your kids have to put you someplace after you turn 55. cheers and applause and for rebellious old people who dont fit in at those conformist retirement facilities, theres the age against the machine community of scottsdale. laughter applause yeah. 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Jon, you know who i miss on tv right now . Our dear friend charlie rose. Jon oh, yeah gr hes been off cbs this morning a couple, two, three, four weeks right now . Because he went and had open heart surgery. Im happy to report that its monday, right, modern of monday morning, charlie rose will be returning to cbs this morning. Charlie, welcome back. Jon we snea need him. We need him. Stephen other than that, hes going to live forever. Fantastic. Im going to get the same work myself. Yeah. Well, its day 50 of the Trump Presidency laughter thats not a joke yet. laughter and his signature project, the wall on the southern border, is moving right along. The due date for contractors to submit prototypes is today. Because the wall is about to become a reality, i decided to meet with some actual experts on building to learn whats it going to take to make it . Americas southern border has been a hot button issue for years and now President Trump is pushing forward on his Campaign Promise to build a wall, but this is pretty much all we know about it that wall is going to be so big and so strong, and so powerful, impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful. It will be a big wall, a beautiful wall, and were going to name is trump some day, maybe, right . And mexico will pay for the wall. Stephen so i sat down with four experts to learn what a 2,000mile border wall looks like and how much it costs. Im an architect. I practice in new york city. Im a liscenced engineer in new york and connecticut. Im a concrete guy. I own a concrete business. Im an interior designer in new york. Stephen as you all know, donald trump has signed the order to create the border wall between the United States and mexico to keep america safe. Now, during the g. O. P. Debate in houston, trump said this this is a wall thats a heck of a lot higher than the ceiling youre looking at. This is a wall thats going to work. Stephen okay, now, the ceiling of the venue he was in was about 80 feet high, okay, so a heck of a lot higher than 80 feet. Now, im not an architect. Do you happen to know what a heck of a represents . 100 feet is proably a heck of a lot higher than 80 feet. Stephen a heck of a is onehalf an assload. Onehalf an assload equals 20 feet. Ok, so were talking about a 100foottall wall. Christine, youre an engineer. What do you need to do to create a wall 100 feet high . If its 100 feet high, then your posts would enter the earth about twothirds of that. And then in between, you would rig up Precast Concrete panels, which would probably be the cheapest. Stephen and concrete guy. Lets talk about how much concrete that is. Yeah, we would calculate something about, uh, 200 million cubic yards of concrete. Stephen what does a yard of concrete cost . Well, this area . Probably about 2,000. Stephen 200 million times 2,000 a yard. Youve got 400 billion. Stephen 400 billion. And thats all in concrete no, i dont think we can do that, because if thats the value of the concrete, we came up in a prior effort the number of approximately 985 billion total. Stephen now, wait a second. Where does that come from . All the labor involved, all the overhead. Excavation. Portable concrete plants. Dewatering. Swamps, and who knows what youre dealing with. You might have a mobile forge. When a wall sticks up out of the ground stephen hmmm. I dont think we can show that on cbs, by the way. If a wall sticks up out of the ground stephen again, i dont think ill picture it. So whats your new number . About a trillion, close to. Stephen call it 1 trillion. I had read that less than half of the length of the border is actually covered on our side with parallel roads. Stephen probablyicism to just build a 2,000 highway while were doing it. Any idea what it would cost . I would say about the same price it would cost to build a wall. Stephen okay, so plus another trillion, because what is a highway, if not a wall on its side . So if we do just one crew of 40 laborers, how long does it take to build the wall . 742 years. laughter stephen lets try to get that number down. We gotta get that down. If we gotta do it in four years stephen we got three years and 11 months, right . We have three years and 11 months of the first trump administration. That would be 8,000 people. Stephen how many workers does it take to build the highway . Probably half of that, 4,000. Stephen 4,000 . Lets make this 12,000 workers all together. That sounds about right. Stephen the great wall of china resulted in 400,000 deaths of the people who worked on it. How many people will die making this . You probably can keep it down to maybe, like, 100 a month. Stephen 100 a month is the most youd want. 100 times 12 times how many years . Stephen call it four years, yeah. About 4,800 stephen 4,800 people die. 4,800 people dead. Thats more than a third of the work force. I dont know why anybody has to die. Nobody is going to die. Stephen obviously, nobody wants anyone to die. We just have to be realistic here. Lets bump this up to, like, 20,000, just to have some spares. Thats probably a good idea. Stephen probably a good idea. Donald trump has said that this will be a big, beautiful wall, okay . Robert, what is the quickest way to make concrete look beautiful . One of our Design Concepts was to maybe turn this ugly wall into an Outdoor Recreation park, and we thought a big rock climbing wall. laughter applause what else might you do with a 100foot wall . Stephen i love the idea of a rockclimbing wall, except its antithetical to a wall you cant climb to make it into a climbing wall. So thank you, but lets move on. So, one other idea could be to wallpaper the wall. Stephen i hadnt thought about that. I hadnt thought about that. It might be pretty. Stephen i love pretty i did a calculation on number of rolls of wallpaper as well. Stephen please. I came out with about 27 million rolls for one side. Stephen we gotta do both sides here. Thats about 54 million rolls. Stephen 54 million rolls but i would just say if we need to do some pattern matching, forget it. You know, you have to match the repeat of the wallpaper pattern so that the seams match up. So lets add another 50 on to that just to be safe. Stephen 50 more paper . Call it 100 million rolls. Now that we knew how much the wall costs, we had to get somebody to pay for it. Hello, mexican consolate. Can i help you . laughter applause stephen hi, is this mexico . Yes, can i help you . Stephen hi, yes, this is Stephen Colbert from the late show at cbs. Can i speak to your manager, please . No, im sorry. Just give me your message, please. Stephen sure. The message is this is Stephen Colbert from the late show. Were trying to come up with just some rough numbers. Obviously, dont hold my feet to the fire over this, but we have a rough number of about 2 trillion dollars to build the border wall, and i was wondering if you had that in petty cash right now, okay . Okay. Stephen thank you very much, if you could just tell mexico, that would be great. Thank you so much. laughter man, mexico is going to be pissed. laughter applause stephen well be right back with Felicity Huffman. Dont look now but chuck norris is right behind you. I heard superheroes read chuck norris comics. I heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. I heard cats say they have chucklike reflexes. Do you think hes still got it . I bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. Youre on hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor thats close to home is easy. 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