laughter just tweet that and the hounds are off your trail obama i knew he was up to no good. How low has president obama gone to tap my phones during the big sacred election process . This is nixon watergate. Bad or sick guy. And. Boom goes the tweet amite donald, stop Abraham Lincoln . Dont listen to nixon he was the one who tapped the phones in watergate. Shut up, abe dont you have tickets to the theater tonight you stupid neckbeard . Too soon donald, nixon had to resign for lying. Oh, damn it president lincoln is right. Donald, you dont want to end up like me. To paraphrase myself, i am a crook but the rumors about you and the russians are just spooky just admit what happened, donald fake ghost news somebody help dasvidanya who will you be calling . Vlad putin its the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause tonight stephen welcomes Anderson Cooper, judd apatow and musical guest jidenna, featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey whoo stephen hey jon hey stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause audience chanting stephen hey, thanks, everybody thank you, mark piano riff whoo cheers and applause yeah welcome to the late show thanks so much, everybody youre very kind. Very kind. Thank you very much listen cheers and applause thank you, everybody. Lovely. Yeah stay strong, be brave look folks, im not going to lie to you, this is the late show and im Stephen Colbert. laughter um, you know, last week, i dont know if you were paying attention but donald trump seemed pretty steady. He gave the big boy speech in front of Congress Long pants and everything. laughter it was very impressive. I was afraid hed sold the timeshare in crazytown. Well. Hes baaack laughter cheers and applause man, things are moving so fast. I think i need a dramamine. I watched the sunday shows yesterday and i alternated between weeping and vomiting, like someone made me chug day quil and strapped me in a tilt awhirl. laughter here, get into this industrial dryer and well throw in a couple of fluorescent tubes with you. Here, enjoy it for those of you who missed it, saturday morning while trump was in florida, out of nowhere, trump tweeted laughter and just like that, the white house had to reset their sign back to zero. laughter applause he just sets it like that. So sad. Theyd gotten up to, like, five days. Theyd gotten up to, like, five days. It was a new record. And this tweet, this accusation, this tweet was sent at 6 35 a. M. Who wakes up that angry . laughter somebody give this guy a xanax or a bran muffin. laughter or a bran muffin just stuffed with xanax. Like a branax, or something. Next, he tweeted wait, you just said this was mccarthyism. Now its nixon watergate . Pick your historical analogy this is the pearl harbor of hindenburg Great Depression d days finale of lost. applause finale of lost. Tweet. cheers and applause and he must have been really proud of this tweet because its the first one he ever signed one. laughter couldnt have said it better myself, sir. laughter this is a serious allegation. This might be the most serious allegation any president has made against a previous president. And you know trump takes it seriously because his next tweet was thats right, first he alleges a scandal worse than watergate, then he immediately goes after schwarzenegger. laughter its like if deep throat told woodward and bernstein you know nixon is a criminal. Oh, and the 6 million man isnt real, its all done with slow motion. laughter those are his real legs its not a machine now, the obama people say they never wiretapped trump. Heres former Obama Press Secretary josh earnest. This may come as some surprise to the current occupant of the oval office, but the president of the United States does not have the authority to unilaterally order the wiretapping of an american citizen. Stephen oh really, josh . laughter ill have you know a lot of things come as a surprise to donald trump. laughter the first amendment, object permanence laughter the fact that ben carson isnt the guy from family matters. laughter i dont think he is. Hes not, right . Jon . What about stefan . Stefan colbert stephen i dont know. Need more no proof . Heres former director of National Intelligence and sentient testicle james clapper. laughter there was no such wiretap activity mounted against the president , the president elect at the time, or as a candidate, or against his campaign. Stephen if anything, weve been trying to think of ways we can hear trump less. The n. S. A. Is working on trump canceling earphones. Were almost there. laughter applause now, faced with these denials, trump has not produced a shred of evidence. So where did trump get his info . From the c. I. A. . From the f. B. I. . Out of his ass . laughter well, apparently laughter cheers and applause its very fine. Its a fine year, would misseur like to keep the cork . laughter apparently, this idea came from right wing radio host and unlicensed gynecologist, mark levin, who ranted about these wiretaps on his radio show. That show was then written up by breitbart as mark levin to Congress Investigate obamas silent coup versus trump. Oh, thats the worst kind of coup silent but deadly. laughter so, faced with zero evidence, the trump team did the only logical thing and called for an investigation. White House Press Secretary and man using a coupon on his first date, sean spicer laughter took to twitter to demand that the intelligence committees in Congress Investigate trumps charges, adding neither the white house nor the president will comment further until such oversight is conducted. So now theyre not going to comment on the bad thing they made up . Mr. Johnson, you have herpes, or at least you might we havent run any tests yet. No further comment. laughter and the craziest thing about trump calling for an investigation without any evidence of this thing that no one else has said, is that it actually worked. Congress is going to investigate trumps wiretapping claim. So thats it. From now on, we have to take all of trumps allegations seriously. applause that is scary. That is spooky. Jon wow, hiding under the bed . Stephen yeah. Jon whoa. Stephen so why did trump do it . Apparently, trump was none too pleased that thanks to more russia revelations, Jeff Sessions had to recuse himself on thursday. So trumps staff did whatever they could to calm him down. One white house official even said look at the shiny travel ban piano riff cheers and applause do you want the travel ban . Coochie coochie coo does the big angry man want to split up some muslim families . I see a smile i see a smile laughter baby talk i hope he doesnt think im speaking arabic right now. laughter baby talk im not. But it turns out that nobodys better at pleasuring trump than himself. laughter because after his obama tweet storm, trump was brighter sunday morning as he read several newspapers, pleased that his allegations against obama were the dominant story. Well, we here at the late show want to do our part to keep the man with the Nuclear Codes calm and happy, so my news channel, real news network, filed this explosive report on the obama allegations. Welcome to real news tonight. Im jill newslady. And im jim anchorton. Our top story tonight, incredibly true allegations about barack obama. President trump used his giant brain to figure out that the fake president obama illegally wire tapped the very famous trump tower, like how a sick pervert would. Truly a loser move, jim. Thats right, jill. In a scandal that everyone is calling watergate times a million, but worse, proof definitely exists that a terrible crime was committed by obama, a muslim who was born in space. laughter obama is bad. Obama is very bad and sick. And trump is good. Extremely good. Also, the very real wiretaps definitely didnt find anything incriminating if that was something you were worried about, which it wasnt because trump is so, so good. Yeah, so very good. Coming up next, Arnold Schwarzenegger has a very small penis. cheers and applause stephen thats real news jon thats real news. Stephen they couldnt say that. Weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Anderson Cooper is here. And when we get back, ill explain trumps russia problems on my patented chalkboard. Stick around cheers and applause its crispety. Its crunchety. Its a oneofakind experience. Butterfinger. Theres nothing like it. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv now and at t, get the ultimate in Entertainment Plus unlimited data. Get directv now for 10 a month when you have the new at t unlimited plus plan. Im in vests and as a vested investor in vests, i invest with e trade, where investors can investigate and invest in vests. Or not in vests. This is my retirement. Retiring retired tires. And i never get tired of it. Are you entirely prepared to retire . Plan your never tiring retiring retired tires retirement with e trade. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause i cant do that. You have a nice weekend, jon . Jon yeah stephen how was your weekend . Jon great stephen was good . Jon just chillin. Stephen beautiful. Folks, you know, the president s weekend tweetstorm felt like whiplash because, again, four days before, trump gave a speech to Congress Many called president ial because, much like a president , he spoke in complete sentences and did not attack alec baldwin. laughter a lot of people thought that it was the start of a new era for trump. I feel like, tonight, donald trump became the president of the United States. Stephen yes, that night, donald trump became president. Then, four days later, the president became donald trump again. laughter so it was a full moon or something. laughter so, why did he go from statesmanlike orator to captain twitterbananas . laughter a lot of people say it was to distract from recent bad press. He does it all the time. Hes like a magician, misdirecting your attention with slight of hand. And we all know trump has the slightest of hands. laughter but cheers and applause its true its true but the trick is, yes, its a distraction, but what is the president trying to distract us from this time . To find out, once again we turn to the late show figureit outatron. Bring er out, boys cheers and applause there you go thats beautiful. cheers and applause thank you so much oh, the people cannot get enough of the figureitoutatron. That is clear. laughter okay, lets go through the scenario. Down here we have donald trump, the man creating the distraction. Up here, weve got Vladimir Putin, the man he doesnt want to be connected to. Here, weve got a list of things that have could possibly connect trump to Vladmimir Putin that have happened in the last year. So lets see how many of these connect trump to putin. Okay . Putin will be symbolized with a p. All right . First up, former Campaign Manager paul manafort, who had to step down when it came out he was paid 12 million by the pro russian puppet government of ukraine or, as trump would call it, negotiating a great, great deal for the people of ukrainia. laughter okay . Thats a clear p. Thats a clear p. Okay . Lets see, next up, we have the fact that Michael Flynn met with the russian ambassador. Okay, that gets a p Jeff Sessions met with the ambassador too, that gets a p all right . Plus, all of the major intelligence agencies agree that putin tried to influence the election for trump. F. B. I. , c. I. A. , n. S. A. P, p, p theres just so much p which, again, stands for putin laughter and these putin ps are all raining down directly at trump. laughter everywhere cheers and applause everywhere and lets not forget the wikileaks, okay . And the administration leaks all these ps, coming off of putin right here. These ps are coming down, theyre all coming down on trump. cheers and applause so much p, so many ps he is drowning in p laughter applause which, again, stands for putin. laughter i mean, there is the answer, folks. Just, just drink it in. laughter President Trump had better watch out, or this could really leave a stain on his legacy. laughter well be right back with Anderson Cooper. cheers and applause you know that feeling you get when youre locked in . Its like that, for your mouth. The refreshing citrus kick of mtn dew. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Available at national retailers. Customer service d. Maam. This isnt a computer. Wait. Youre real . With discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. , like me, anytime. Wow. This is a recording. Really . No, im kidding. 100 u. S. Based customer service. Here to help, not to sell. Yoheres your reward. 100,000th point. Can i get one more . Thatll be 15,000 points. Some Loyalty Programs arent always rewarding. Thanks captain obvious. But hotels. Com is. Its small batch. Instant savings now, free nights later. Hotels. Com. Arbreak through your allergies. Try new Flonase Sensimist instead of allergy pills. Its more complete allergy relief in a gentle mist you may not even notice. Using unique mistpro technology, new Flonase Sensimist delivers a gentle mist to help block six key inflammatory substances that cause your symptoms. Most allergy pills only block one. And six is greater than one. Break through your allergies. New Flonase Sensimist cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause folks, im excited, because my first guest tonight is an Emmy Award Winning journalist and host of Anderson Cooper 360. Please welcome back to the show, Anderson Cooper cheers and applause all right. So, anderson, hi, good to see you again. How are you doing . Always nice to follow a rain of p. laughter stephen yeah. Well, we have to explain the stories any way we can. I know. You guys are doing real news. Stephen thank you very much. Did you see real news tonight . Yes, i did. Stephen dont try to steal them for cnn. You guys are the fake news, right . Theres a lot of i believe we are the original fake news, according to the president. Stephen well get to that in just a moment and your fakeness. But how was your weekend . My weekend, you know, it was fine. It was weird, though. Because, you know, the president started tweeting at 6 50 something, a. M. Stephen 6 35. Right. laughter i actually had flown to phoenix, where i was doing an investigation for 60 minutes, and i have actually muted the president on twitter. Dont tell him. Stephen what . You can do that . Stephen you can do that . Yeah, you know when you get annoying people tweeting you, you dont want to delete because that tells them youve deleted them. So if you just mute them, they think youre still following them and you dont actually see their tweets. cheers and applause stephen but anderson, then the tweets can get backed up and you get an infection. laughter okay, so, you muted him. I muted him. So i go to phoenix. I was spending all weekend working on this story. So i wasnt aware of all this agita that was going on. And i get back sunday and i finally turn on my phone again and im like, what the what . what . and then i was like and Arnold Schwarzenegger, too . laughter i mean. Stephen i just want to point out you are a real news man. I watch you every night. I enjoy your work. I believe you report the news in a very fair way and accurately, and you just said that you mute the president of the United States. cheers and applause what he says, which leads to my next question i mean, look, i have people following him so they tell me i just dont want to have that drama in my life. Its like stephen again. That drama you have to accept that hes president. You have to accept that hes president. No, of course, i do. I have Great Respect for the president. Stephen doesnt seem like it. I just dont need to follow him on twitter. Stephen you wouldnt have muted ike. Listen, i have friends who have mania. I dont want to be around them all i dont want them to have my private line and be able to call me. You know what i mean . Like, i dont want the ups and downs in my life. I just want to be calm. Stephen a private line where nobody can call me, i dont think i have that. No, thats true. No one actually does have it. Stephen okay, so how do you decide as a newsman, a correspondent for 60 minutes, as it were had to throw the 60 minutes in there. You cant just say i was in phoenix. I was in phoenix for 60 minutes. Yeah. laughter stephen how do you judge on what to report on or not . Because there are so many. There is more basis to the schwarzenegger tweet than there is basis to the obama tweet, why isnt the schwarzenegger bigger news . Technically his ratings have not, i guess, been as big as Donald Trumps were. Stephen sad end to a great show. I know, sad. laughter um, you know, i dont think the reporting on the tweets, i do think its a large distraction, i mean i think thats clearly part of what hes doing. Stephen is it pure distraction . No, i dont think it is. I also think its like a rorschach you know those machines that register earthquakes from a great distance . Stephen a seismograph. Its like a seismograph, this is like a realtime seismograph of the inner workings of the president s head and its fascinating. Stephen his emotions. Its an emotional seismograph. An emotional seismograph. Hes like a live wire of emotion. We had to wait for decades to hear nixon on tapes. We hear donald trump in real time. laughter usually people try to keep the president sort of cloistered and not in