Google home, stop. Apologies. Okay, im in. How do we do it . Im not sure. Google home, how do we murder . Heres information on how to murder. Playing murder by diana glory. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Salma Hayek Pinault. Hasan minhaj. And musical guest feist. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. applause first of all, congratulations im going to start off tonights show because congratulationses are in order to george and amal clooney on the birth of their twins. Good for you, guys. applause so at 56, george is now officially a d. I. L. F. A dashing intensely liberal father. laughter also, i would have sex with him. Theres also slightly less Important News than that. Just a little bit less. Its a topsecret n. S. A. Report that detailed russian hacking efforts days before the 2016 election. Days before . Come on, guccifer. Thats poor planning. You cant leave your hacking to last minute. Put some thought into it. No one wants an election you just picked up at walgreens. laughter apparently, Russian Hackers tried to gain access to a Company Called v. R. Systems by sending workers there phony emails that appeared to be from google that would request their login credentials. Okay, heres a little tip if it looks like google but isnt really, its either a hacker or bing. Dont open either. Just stay away from both of them after i dont know. I dont even know. Thats how bad bing is. I dont even know if that joke works. After the hackers gained access to the companys accounts, they then sent an email to trick local u. S. Government employees into opening documents that were invisibly tainted with potent malware. Okay, they sent it to the poll workers, okay. This is how democracy ends, with a fake email sent to the ancient cat lady manning the polling station at your high school gym. laughter okay, lets check my aol. Okay, heres something forward, forward, forward, forward, antiaging cream with scent of grandson. Oh, click. There you go. So who really knows who won november 8 now, other than vladimir putin. Now, im a little rusty on my constitution, but i guess this means new election . cheers and applause why not . Sure, lets have another one. Lets just get the band back together. Somebody find jeb and wake him up i dont know where he is. Check the mild salsa aisle. laughter or a store that sells only mayonnaise. Now, all along, donald trump has said the entire russia story is fake news, and theres no way to know whether this document was real, other than the fact that the leaker was immediately arrested. Fake news, real prison. laughter the leakers name and this is true reality winner. So, its official the Trump Administration is at war with reality. applause cheers and applause now, ms. Winner is a 25yearold former air force linguist who speaks three middle eastern languages, which should have raised red flags right there. Because you know where they speak middle eastern languages . The middle east laughter reality winner had top secret security clearance and worked for a private intelligence contractor called the Pluribus International corporation. So a young female spy named reality winner stole intelligence from the pluribus corporation. That sounds like a bond movie, which, of course, makes donald trump. Small finger wawawa heres how they caught her. Investigators noticed the document appeared to have been folded, meaning someone printed it out, and it contained small, barely visible yellow dots that show exactly when and where documents, any document, is printed. Wow, you can trace any document based on the printer. Its like n. C. I. S. Meets dilbert laughter so now the evidence that russia tried to manipulate the election is pretty strong to everyone but the guy who did it, vladimir putin. So, on sunday, he appeared on megyn kellys new sunday night news show, sixty minutes of megyn kelly. And when it came to who really was behind the election tampering, putins explanation relied on whats called occams razor, because the whole thing makes me want to cut my wrists. Jim . Translator theres a theory that kennedys assassination was arranged by the United StatesIntelligence Services. So if this theory is correct and that cant be ruled out then what could be easier in this day and age than using all the technical means at the disposal of the Intelligence Services and using those means to organize some attacks and then pointing the finger at russia . Stephen nice try, vlad, but i will not stand by while you try to confuse the American People with bleep conspiracy theories. That is Donald Trumps job. cheers and applause meanwhile no, i wont take it meanwhile, a lot of people in the white house are worried about a big shakeup right now. None more so than chief of staff and man whose name sounds more made up than covfefe, reince priebus. Now, priebus has always had a bit of trouble fitting in at the white house because he lacks the one quality trump values most in his staff being married to ivanka. Even though reince still has his job, insiders say that hes a dead man walking. Not to be confused with the walking dead. Thats steve bannon. laughter he looks fine. He looks good. Hes got a nice tan. Got a nice tan. Now, theres one thing really keeping priebus from being replaced, and thats finding a replacement. Apparently, his greatest job security is that there are few takers for what might be an unworkable gig. So, i just want to say to the president , you might want to hold off building that border wall, because white house chief of staff is another job americans dont want to do. And its a lot like farm work long hours, low pay, and a whole lot of manure shoveling. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Ill be joined by selma hayek pinault. But first, ill be talking twitter with a certain cartoon world leader. Stick around, wont you . Deartheres no other way to say this. Its over. Ive found a permanent escape from monotony. Together, we are perfectly balanced. Our senses awake. Our hearts racing as one. I know this is sudden, but they say. If you love something set it free. See you around, giulia its your glass of willpower that helps keep cravings. Far, far away. Feel less hungry with the natural fiber in clinically. Proven meta appetite control. From metamucil. For the gifts dad really wants y and get kohls cash for you rock dad with a portable record player and get 10 kohls cash give him the fitbit blaze and get 30 kohls cash or the Sony Playstation 4 and youll get 50 kohls cash kohls. Im not the type to smushy garbages. You know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. Hthats why new downyl can saprotect and refresh conditions fibers to lock out odors. So clothing odors dont do the talking for you. Lock out odors with new downy protect and refresh. applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human right over there. cheers and applause jon hey hey stephen jon, good to see you. As always. I just want to take a second right here, i just want to take a second right here to recognize to recognize,s this is the 73rd anniversary of dday. On this date in 1944, the largest Amphibious Landing in the world happened on the shores of normandy to liberate france and europe from the nazis. And there are still wwii veterans out there who fought on that day. Go find one, give him a kiss, all right. applause including and i dont know if i told you this including my uncle eddie, who was in the 101st airborne and went in eight hours before dday to cut wires behind enemy lines and he got caught immediately and then escaped and ran off, and joined up with his unit. Yeah. Thank you, eddie. applause cheers now, folks, the president s executive order blocking immigrants from six muslimmajority countries is headed to the supreme court. Ironically, it could be people in robes that stop donald trump from banning people in robes. But the Administration Still has a shot to win this one if they can convince the court that the order is not an unconstitutional travel ban. And they have been very, very disciplined with this message. This is not a travel ban. It is not a travel ban. It is not a travel ban. Because when we use words like travel ban that misrepresents what it is. Stephen and then yesterday on twitter the president backed them up, and off a cliff. People, the lawyers and the courts can call it whatever they want, but i am calling it what we need and what it is, a travel ban laughter applause enjoy, travel ban then he continued supporting them under the bus. Thats right, we need a travel ban for certain dangerous countries, not some politically correct term that wont help us protect our people sir, youre really hurting your own case. You used to call it a muslim ban. Travel ban is the politically correct term, as in, i dont like those travelers with their travel beards when and they pray on their travel rugs. These tweets threw the white house into complete disarray, which was a refreshing break from the usual spiteful chaos. So, they sent out white house advisor and radio shack manager who is not going to accept a return without a receipt, sebastian gorka, who explained that the president s tweets are not policy. His tweets are the policy. They are statements from the president of the United States. They are not policy. Its not policy. Of course it is. Its social media, chris. Its social media. Its not social media. Its his words, his thoughts. Its not policy. Its not an executive order. Its social media. Please understand the difference. Stephen okay, i understand the difference between policy and social media. I dont understand the difference between you and a douchebag. Please understand the difference. Please. Please understand the difference. But loud and clear, okay. I get the message president trumps tweets are not considered official statements, end of im sorry, what . Are president trumps tweets considered official white house statements . Well, the president is the president of the United States, so theyre considered official statements by the president of the United States. Stephen gah laughter oh cheers and applause aaah what could possibly have happened in the last 24 hours to account for a 180 like that . The fake main street media is working so hard trying to get me not to use social media. They hate that i can get the honest and unfiltered message out. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, the media hates it. And let me just Say Something quickly to donald trump. First of all, thanks for watching, sir. Second, second, as an honorary member of the media, please stop sweeting, especially early in the morning, because we have to write about it all day long. Some days, we come up with too many jokes, and we have some left over for the next day, and i can start drinking early. So no tweeting, none i demand it heres the thing Everybody Knows this tweeting is a disaster, so why does he keep doing it . And why so often . His frequency of tweeting, even for him, has become cartoonish. Here to explain, please welcome cartoon donald trump. Thank you, sir. Cartoon donald trump, everybody. Lovely, you look lovely, sir. Thank you for joining us, mr. Cartoon president. I plead the fifth. Stephen this isnt a trial, and i havent asked you anything yet. Just practicing. Thats what winners do. Stephen are you concerned about the news that russians may have hacked our election . No. Hillary lost because she didnt campaign in the swing states michigan, wisconsin, moscow. Its a red state. laughter come on, we know it is. Stephen i understand, i understand. So, you arent nervous about james comeys upcoming testimony before congress . They say he took notes of every inappropriate thing you said to him. Come on, no one has time to write down every inappropriate thing i say, not even me. Here comes one now. I have no idea what its going to be. Rosie odonnell is a muslim and a hoax. Enjoy laughter stephen i dont think you understand. All these reckless tweets are hurting your own agenda. When you were abroad a couple of weeks ago, on tour of middle eastern europe, things went really well in part because you didnt tweet. I wanted to, but i couldnt charge my phone. They have weird ploifergz there. Thats why i dropped out of the stupid paris thing. Stephen you cant stop tweeting. I can stop any time i want, stephen. I can stop tweet anything time i want, stephen. Stephen see what im saying . All right, ill stop, will power. Stephen let me ask you about the health care fight just a quickie. Just a quickie. Fake news. Lies all about the travel ban. We must dot, dot, dot. laughter stephen we must what . I dont know, midsentence is the only time i stop tweeting. Enjoy stephen cartoon donald trump, everybody. Well be right back with Salma Hayek Pinault. Stop that stop that perform with old eq. Foul blows whistle upgrade your game to intels fastest processor. Its ok that everybody ignoits fine. N i drive. Because i get a safe driving bonus check every six months im accident free. Because i dont use my cellphone when im driving. Even though my family does, and leaves me all alone. Heres something else. I dont share it with mom. I dont. Right, mom . I have a brand new putter you dont even know about its awesome. Safe driving bonus checks, only from allstate. Sometimes i leave the seat up on purpose. Switching to allstate is worth it. Introducing fios gigabit connection. Superfast internet at an incredible price. With speeds up to 940 megs. Thats 20x faster than most people have. And, its just 79. 99 a month online for 1 year. And only 5 more per month for the second year. Get fios gigabit connection for 79. 99 with tv, hbo for 1 year and multiroom dvr service for 2 years. All with a 2year agreement. Switch now at fiosgigabit. Com. Are allergies holding you back . Break through your allergies. Try new Flonase Sensimist allergy relief instead of allergy pills. Its more complete allergy relief in a gentle mist experience youll barely feel. Using unique mistpro technology, new Flonase Sensimist delivers a gentle mist to help block six key inflammatory substances that cause your symptoms. Most allergy pills only block one. And six is greater than one. New Flonase Sensimist changes everything. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, look at that. What are we celebrating . Is there a party i dont know about . My first guest is an welcome back, everybody. Academy award nominee whose new film is beatriz at dinner. Its not easy to get your shot, huh . Try healing something. That is hard. That requires patience. It can break something in two seconds. But it can take forever to fix it. Stephen please welcome, Salma Hayek Pinault applause stephen nice have you on. I am so excited to be here. Stephen ive wanted to have you on any show ive been doing for a long time. We met once backstage at Global Citizen. Stephen Global Citizen last year, exactly and we had fun. We were rocking there. Stephen you seem like a very fun person. I am stephen and and youve proved it. You sound so shocked. Stephen is this on the red carpet at kahn. Is this where you had the pink hair . Yes. Stephen why no more pink hair . I can try it on next time. I have a wig. Stephen did it freak you have a dawrkt right . It freaked everyone out. Especially my husband. My daughter was like cool, can i wear it after you. My husband was like, are you sure you want to do this . I think i embarrassed him a little bit. But then it worked out. Everybody was he couldnt believe that i actually pulled it off. I do that all the time. I surprise him. cheers and applause stephen this year there were a lot of latino and hispanic artists at cannes. Guillermo tortoro, guillermo luna, and you. Was it nice to see people representing i was so i was so moved. We went to take a picture they told me family picture. I thought it was a picture of me and my husband, and all of a sudden i see 100 of the most amazing minds of cinema for so many different generations and Different Countries there. And i realized that out of these 100 people from all over the world, at least 10 were latinos. Most of the 10 were mexicans, and they were my friends. And i felt such a sense of pride, and i was so moved that i went crazy. cheers and applause stephen im sorry, you went crazy . I went crazy. And this is at 3 00 in the afternoon. And i said to my husband again, this is this is another one where he just goes did i really hear what he just said we need to a bring a mariachi tonight. Its a big gala, very elegant. We cant walk in with a mariachi. Oh, yes, we can, baby, i know how to do this. And bring the tequila and mescal. Stephen but youre in cannes, where do you find a mariachi band. Where do you find a mariachi in cannes . You dont. You ply them in from paris. And hurry up because the dinner is very soon stephen pairks, of course. The home of the finest mariachi bands. Actually, baby, were everywhere. applause , some really good talent of mariachis in paris. Stephen you scare one up on the phone and then you fly them down. No plane is available. We had to go to marseilles, find a hotel, look in all the bars for all the remains of the tequila in every single bar of the place. It was a big production. And finally, my husband was like, oh, my gosh. This is crazy and finally, i come in, i wait forward some of the boring people to go home they go home earlier. Stephen boring people go home . Yes. And then the mariachi walks in, and it was amazing everybody went crazy with a huge everybody was trying to be mexican, pretending to be mexican. They were pretending to be singing in know the songs theyre singing in spanish. I saw one european, very famous person going out ayyiy