Colbert. With samantha bee, and gilian jacobs. Live from new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen thank you very much hey whats going on my friends . Welcome to the late show everybody, im your host, stephen col better. I am feeling blessed tonight, thanks to one man White House Communications director and guy ordering a martini at the bowling alley, anthony scaramucci. The mooch the mooch i was worried when sean spicer left, that the Communications Office of the whoirs would lose some flavah. Little did i know that he was going to be placed by a guy who serves up very spicy quotes. We played this last night, but i just want seconds. What i dont like about washington is, people do not let you know how they feel. Theyre very nice to your face, and then they take a shiv or a machete and they stab it in your back. I dont like it. Im a wall street guy, and im more of a front stabbing person. Stephen yeah, he would never stab someone in the book. Book mountain thats rude. A gentleman stabs somebody from the front so you can watch the life drain out of their eyes. Keep em open, keep em open. Trump hired scaramucci to get rid of the white house leakers. But dont call him a hitman. Hes just a guy who was contracted to whack squealers by a powerful don. And the latest leak that has the moochs fusilli in a twist occurred yesterday when politico published scaramuccis Financial Disclosure form revealing that he has assets worth as much as 85 million. How humiliating. Yeah. Now everyone knows hes the poorest person working at the white house. cheering and applause stephen now as much thats got to hurt. As much as ive enjoyed what scaramucci said one week on his job, we got an incredible taste of unfiltered mooch today, when new yorker reporter ryan lizza published details of a conversation he had with scaramucci last night. Im going to read you some of the quotes, but be warned, if you are put off by foul language, the mooch thinks you should mooch yourself in the head. I want to give a quick warning to the cbs censors you guys are going to have to break out the emergency extra bleeps for this one. But its not my fault. Im just communicating to you the actual words of the Communications Director of the white house. The one in washington heres how it started lizza reported yesterday about trumps dinner with scaramucci, sean hannity and some other guys. The mooch called up lizza to try to get the name of who leaked about the dinner, but lizza protected his source. So the mooch said, okay, im going to fire every one of them, and then you havent protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks. Mooch, you do realize that if hes still not going to give you the names. And if you do fire everybody, you have to replace everybody with people who now know theyre working for a guy who would just fire everybody . The mooch was pretty sure he knew who the leaker was chief of staff Reince Priebus, who he described as a bleep paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac. The guy guys paranoid, okay . He thinks his own Communications Director is trying to stab him in the back. And again, front stab. Front stab, hold still, hold still keep em open i want to see then the mooch did the best priebus impression. Lizza writes, he channeled priebus as he spoke. Let me leak the bleep thing and see if i can bleep block these people the way i bleep blocked scaramucci for six months. Oh please, mooch, i dont think anybody could block you from being a bleep and his words, not mine cheering and applause we love you. Stephen and the mooch was feeling a little hurt about how people have been treating him at his new job. Quote ive asked people not to leak things for a period of time and give me a honeymoon period. They wont do it. Hey everyone, im anthony scaramucci, im a frontstabber, im here to fire everyone, now be nice to me. Okay, be me, okay . Im somebodys little boy stephen and the mooch says he was doingeasons im not trying to build my own brand off the bleep strength of the president. Im here to serve the couny. Ande bannon, im not trying to suck my own bleep . [ audience screams ] applause stephen look, if bannon could do that, he would never leave the white house. Though i got to say, we never see him ever anymore. Good for you, steve but all good baddabings must come to an end, because scaramucci signed off by saying of priebus, yeah, let me go, though, because ive got to start tweeting some bleep to make this guy crazy. Adding, can we make this off the record . No . Okay. Mooch out. laughter stephen hey, ho so immediately after that he gets off the phone i got to tweet some stuff to make this guy crazy. Then scaramucci tweeted in light of the leak of my Financial Disclosure info which is a felony i will be contacting f. B. I. And the thejusticedepartment. Hashtagswamp, reince45. Hang on hang on he just tagd reince 45 . That means either the mooch just publicly accused white house chief of staff Reince Priebus of a felony, or there are 44 other reinces on twitter. I find that hard to believe. Yes cheering and applause number 45, number 45. Stephen but hold on a second, a felony . Your Financial Disclosure forms are publicly Available Upon request. Thats disclose part of disclosure. Youre thinking of financial ixnay on the oneymay forms. How do you not know that . You went to harvard law school. What did you study there . A vhs copy of my cousin vinny . Stephen hey hey what . Hey hey scaramucci woke up with a raging moochover today. Because this morning he called in to cnn with lizza on the other line. When i was on a plain to new york i had to call my mom. I was teasing you and it was sash cast tick. It was one italian to another. Stephen i. T. Was one italian to another i was visiting my mom. You know . Give me the leakers and maybe you never see your mom. I forget, does she have a front but while he was there anyway, scaramucci was willing to talk on one condition. I just spent about 15 minutes on the phone talking with the president of the United States who has given me his full support and his full blessing, and im going to read you something, chris. Bear with me. The president also told me, if youre nice to me in this segment, hell let me come back on the show. Is that cool . Stephen yeah, chris, is that cool . You play nice, i play nice. You got a nice show there. Hate to see something happen to it. And the mooch let the leakers know, hes on to them. Ive interviewed most of the assistants to the president. Ive interviewed most of the people in the Communications Team and the white house. What the president and i would like to tell everybody, we have a very, very good idea of who the leakers are, who the senior leakers are in the white house. Stephen ive also done some research on whos sharing information damaging to the white house and weve been able to put together this composite police sketch. If you see this man approach with caution. Then the mooch reminded us how dangerous these leakers really are. The president of the United States, again, whether you guys like the guy, dislike the guy, hes the smartest person ive ever worked for. There are people inside the administration that think it is their job to save america from this president. That is not their job. Stephen hes right. Thats not their job. That is the job of robert mueller. I think thats his job, im not sure. Well find out. Well find out. Then, the mooch stressed how bad these leakers are the White House Leaks are small potatoes, relative with things going on about leaking things about syria or north korea or leaking things about iraq. Those are the sorts of leaks that are so treasonous, that 150 years ago, people would actually have been hung for those types of leaks. Stephen absolutely. 150 years ago, if people were leaking things on the internet, they would be hung for witchcraft. No one would put up with that, no. His message is subtle but the mooch doesnt like leaks and he knows whos ultimately responsible its absolutely, completely and totally reprehensible. As you know from the italian expression, the fish stinks from the head down. But i can tell you two fish that dont stink. Okay . And thats me and the president. Stephen okay, lets stop right there. Ive heard the stinks thing. Im trying to figure this thing out. Heres the fish. If it stinks from the head down, and the fish is the white house, isnt donald trump the head of the fish . But then youre saying that you and trump are different fish, who work at the fish . I dont understand this metaphor. I think you might be fished in the head. Yeah, thats going on us. Now, lets get back to Reince Priebus. Scaramucci says, despite their differences, he and reince are close. If you want to talk about the chief of staff, we have had odds. We have had differences. When i said we were brothers from the podium, thats because were rough on each other. Some brothers are like cain and abel. Other brothers can fight with each other and get along. I dont know if this is repairable or not. Stephen yeah, who knows . Some brothers are like cain and abel, some are like mario and luigi. Okay . Who knows what will happen. Will we go down a pipe to save the princess, or will i bash his head in with a rock and then lie to god about it . W. H. O. Knows. Am i my priebus keeper . And i my priebus keeper . Who knows, who knows . The question is Reince Priebus, why are you sticking around and taking this abuse . Just leave, and enjoy the easy life on spicer island. laughter stephen and the mooch isnt just handling the leaking. Yesterday, he met with bbcs senior driveway correspondent to explain just how difficult it is to pass a healthcare bill. Im wondering whether the president feels hes been frontstabbed by some of the senators who voted down that repeal of obamacare. If youve read team of rivals, it took lincoln three or four times to get what he wanted from the senate and the house of representatives, which was the full abolition of slavery. Stephen yeah, it took three or four times plus a civil war, so well see what happens. By the way, that John Wilkes Booth . Total coward. I wouldve frontshot him. Hey, abe. Boom ers by scaramooch. Stab you with my gun the mooch also made it clear that our multimillionaire real estate mogul president is no elitist. What part of donald trump is not elite . The business side, the politics side, the inheritance side . Away partly of donald trump, many people in the u. K. Dont understand that. Hes a celebrity. A billionaire. How about the oh my god, theres so many things about the president. How about the cheeseburgers, how about the pizzas that we eat . Everybody eats cheeseburgers and pizzas what are you talking about . No, no, no, no, no. See youre coming across a little bit elitist. Stephen okay, youre coming across a little bit elitist there, mary poppins. Supercalastabalicious Bibbity Boppity stab weve got a great show for you tonight, stick around scwhr. The late show with Stephen Colbert. Scwhr. The late show with stephen sponsored by kohls. For 19. 99 plus get kohls cash too game on. Kohls. So being cool comes naturally. Hmm. I cant decide if this place is swag or bling. Its pretzels. Word. Ladies, you know when you switch, you get my bombdiggity discounts automatically. No duh, right . 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And british. Switch from cable to directv. Get an all included package for 25 a month. And for a limited time, get a 100 reward card. Call 1800directv. Stephen hey everybody, welcome back. Jon baptiste, and his band right there. Folks ladies and gentlemen, youre in for a real treat. This is always a joy, when my guest is here tonight, because our first guest this evening was the longest serving correspondent of the daily show and now hosts full frontal with samantha bee, please welcome sam bee before, in the intro, i were the longest serving correspondent for the daily show . I thought was stephen i thought i was the longest serving correspondent for daily show. I was there for 12 years. Longest serving battle ax john stuart. Stephen what is going on sam bee . I was tired. Stephen flaming toboggan rides, there is an oak tree somewhere in the hill. And before crashing into the oak tree stephen its fun now but one of us is going to have to tell mom what happened to time. But while have you had a chance to look at the moochs latest mooching . Sure did. I love that hes referring to himself in the third person. Thats a good sign. Stephen always a good sign. Day six. So tomorrow dignity is ours stephen its really nice that were getting a really interesting cast of characters all the time. The casting couldnt be better. Stephen cast of characters. He follows me on twitter. He follows everyone here on twitter. He really is stephen 16,000 people on twitter. I was worried he wouldnt bu stephen hi to unmooch. Now do you ever think that things are going to get back to normal . No i dont. Thats my final answer. Stephen you dont think things will get back to normal . Thats my feeling, i would like to live again. Stephen you have golden parachute, maple parachute. You are citizens of canada and the United States we are in it to win it here stephen, were not joking around. We chose this place, and we intend to fix it cheering and applause so far, no ones listening to me so thats fine. My big plan hasnt panned outto so far. Stephen but you still have your canadian citizenship. We to. Stephen when cortez came here to the new world he burned his ships so his men didnt feel like they could leave at any moment. They had to conquer mezoamerica. I realize thats not a good example. At any moment, i could jump into the arms of justin trudeau. I dont have to leap into his arms. He could hold me in a baby bjorn, that would be okay. Hes strong. Stephen now you have kids. I do. Stephen two. Three, we have three. Stephen three . We are prolific. We are building our own society. Stephen you are going into a zone defense against your kids. We have. Stephen how old are they . 11 and nine and six. I forgot. Stephen they have a sense what mom does . They have a sense. Stephen do they watch the show . They do not watch the show, its a tirty show. They dont think im cool. They have no interest in it whatsoever. Stephen are you sure they dont watch the show . They dont watch the show not because i dont want to impress them. They dont care, about me at all stephen do they keep up with the mom . They do. Stephen how do they keep up with the craziness or this is just the world . They draw pictures of it. Stephen they do . They do. Stephen and they show the pictures to the counselors . Its like an impressive hand hovering. Stephen you do use salty language on your show . Dont talk like mommy . They do love salty language, that doesnt come from me. They just know it, they absorb it. I can get them do anything just by letting them use one piece of salty language in a conversation. Stephen thats their treat . Thats their treat. Its the greatest parenting coup i ever came up with. Im such a smart parent, check it out. They dont want treats. They dont want chocolate. They dont want anything like that. They dont care nor cakes and other things normal children like, but they do like to swear. Ill be very cagey, okay guys ir rooms. Can you have one swear. If you clean your rooms diligently you can sit together with me and do one high quality swear. Stephen in the context of a sentence . You should to use your swear in a proper sentence and it has to make sense for swear. Stephen can you give me an example of a word you mites allow the children to say . Well bleep it. You will . Stephen for science, psychology. Get really excited about it, okay im ready to do my software now and okay. Theyre like bleep you bleep the bleep . Im like guys very good very solid. Stephen they were very good that day. You know well you did it correctly. Perfect. Stephen thats fantastic. Im going to try to work that out with cbs. May theyll go with it. Stephen little break. Well be right back with more samantha bee. I keep hearing about . Sure, just sign up online. 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When itrust the brandtburn, doctors trust. Nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. And all day, all night protection. When it comes to heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. Stephen hey everybody, welcome back. I got a question for you. We were talking earlier in the show tonight about scaramucci. He talked about im not a back stabber, im more of a