Subcontractors. Well, i need to get back to the flaming excrement you. Stephen mean hell . No, im going to the olympics. Tonight, stephen welcomes will smith, logan lerman, and musical guest, tony bennett. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now from the ed Sullivan Stephen colbert cheers and applause thank you. Hey stephen thanks, everybody, youre very kind. Jon Stephen Colbert stephen thanks, everybody, have a seat. Oh, my goodness. Thats very ceend of you, but i happen to know youre only applauding so you can feel your fingers again. Welcome to the late show. Im your ho, this evening. And listen. cheers and applause the feeling is mutual. The feeling is mutual, ladies and gentlemen. I want you to know something. I come to work every day wanting to start the show with something other than donald trump. laughter and yet, every day, more words come out of his face. laughter applause where to begin. One . Plau its a lot the face. Heres one donalds in hot water for some comments he made about former fox news c. E. O. And alleged uncle touchtoomuch, roger ailes. laughter alleged. When asked how he would feel if his daughter ivanka was sexually harassed, trump said, i would like to think she would find another career or find another company, if that was the case. When a woman is sexually harassed, its up to her to leave that company and simply find a new job at all those other companies where women are leaving for some reason. laughter applause like musical chairs. Its musical chairs. But when the music stops, you have to sit on your boss lap. Ivanka has worked only for her father and, therefore, would never be the victim of sexual harassment. If ivanka werent my daughter, perhaps id be dating her. Stephen she should really report that to the head of her company. You know, trumps had such a rough couple of days, you know, since the democratic convention. I think he deserves a medal. And today, he got one. A man came up to me, and he handed me his purple heart. Now, i said to him, i said to him, is that, like, the real one, or is that a copy . And he said, thats my real purple heart. I have such confidence in you. And i said, man, thats like thats like big stuff. I always wanted to get the purple heart. Heart. He always wanted the award you get for being wounded in battle. He just never had the opportunity. Man, he must kick himself over those five deferments he requested from the vietnam draft. What are the odds . Darn it darn it what are you going to do well, maybe hell get a purple heart for shooting himself in the foot. applause it might be stuff like this that inspired the president to say today to say that donald trump is unfit to serve as president. Keep in meend, keep in mind, however you feel about these candidates, those words have never been said by a sitting president of any nominee, ever. That includes when chester a. Arthur refused to question the qualifications of stink eye willie, the piestealing hobo. laughter very close. Stink eye. Infrastructure, very strong. applause now, of course, donald trump doesnt care if the establishment thinks hes fit for the job. laughter hes a man of the people. Thats why yesterday, trump tweeted this photo of himself on this private jet, eating k. F. C. There it is, extra crispy and some chicken. Stuck in my that joke stuck in my throat, literally. cheers and applause that punch line stuck in my throat like a chicken bone. It does bolster his military credentials, because he clearly has a close relationship to the colonel. laughter but i think just looking at that photo, i think he is blowing the whole man of the people thing by eating his mr. Trump, what part of Finger Lickin good dont you understand . Its right there. I think thats illegal. I think thats illegal. And just some advice, if you want to seem relatable, dont eat j. F. K. On a private jet. If you want to be relatable, eat lobster on a crosstown bus. applause i would love to see that. That would be speaking of donald trump. Donald trump. We have more donald trump. Today trump held a rally where he focused on specific youth outreach. I have the biggest bank in the world, is a tenant of mine, the biggest in the world, a chinese bank. baby cries dont worry about that baby. I love babies. I love babies. I hear that baby crying. What a beautiful baby. Dont worry, dont worry. The mom is running around like dont worry about it. Its young and beautiful and healthy, and thats what we want. Stephen you see . You see . He can be a nice guy. I should apologize whats that . Actually, i was only kidding. You can get the baby out of here. cheers and applause stephen yeah yeah ge get out of here, you crying baby that baby so close to humanity. That crying baby wants to stay here, it needs to act like an adult. Because when we adults listen to trump, we weep silently. cheers and applause oh, and in there is get out oh, and in rare nontrump news, i am feeling horribly betrayed this evening. There are certain thank you, thank you, thank you very much. There are certain things weve been told to do in order to live a healthy life eat vegetables, even though theyre disgusting. Drink water, even though its disgusting laughter and, of course, floss your teeth. Well, it turns out, flossing might be unnecessary because after looking at 25 studies on the effectiveness of flossing, the Associated Press has determined that the evidence for flossing is weak, very unreliable, of very low quality, and carries a moderate to large potential for bias. Oh, but the hell you have to pay if you dont floss. Oh, they shame you when you go in for the cleaning, dont they . Yeah, yeah. The night before you always go, oh, damn, ive got to floss now. Jon they know. Stephen they know that you didnt floss. Jon you havent been flossing. Jon youll be swollen. Stephen your gums are bleeding. Your sink will look like a Quentin Tarantino movie in there. It looks like the hateful eig eight when youre done youre so desperate. Weve been lied to. You lied to me, dental hygienist dawn. Based on this news, im going to stop flossing 38 years ago. Stic well be right back with the great will smith. cheers and applause you know we said wed take a look at our Retirement Plan today. Not now im cleaning the oven yeah, im cleaning the gutters washing the dog washing the cat well im learning snapchamp chat. Chat pressurewashing the. Roses. Aerating the lawn vo but with nationwide its no big deal. Okay, your Retirement Plan is all set. Nationwide . Awesome. Nice neighborhood. . Nationwide is on your side . . . 5 truth or dare is back. Et shows on tv now, im walking them. Life is unpredictable being flake free isnt. Because i have used head and shoulders for 20 years. Used regularly, it removes up to 100 of flakes keeping you protected because im a woman. Do you think im gonna crack under pressure or conquer the field . Defy expectations any day with always infinity. Made with flexfoam. Absorbs 10x its weight. Get into olive garden now for our lunch duos choose your favorite pasta, piadina or sandwich. It all comes with our neverending soup or salad. And all the breadsticks you want. Starting at just 6. 99 get neverending value for lunch, today at olive garden. International superstar and it gives me great pleasure to see please welcome will smith . . . applause . . . Hey cheers and applause let me go kiss that lady. Im going to go kiss that lady. Oh, man. Hey i was watching i was watching in the back when the at the top of the show. Whats your name, miss . Debbie. How you doing, debbie . cheers stephen thats all we have time for. Thank you so much, will. Its always a pleasure, always a pleasure. Its great to have you on. You know thats a real superstar, a guy who can take his time with the audience like that. Not everybody can do that. That is a skill to do that. I cut that down. That is the short version. I didnt want to mess your time up. Stephen the first time i met you was in 2008. You were on the old show. Yup. Stephen 3,000 people ive interviewed. Youre the only person who came straight into the rewrite room and came over and said, hi, im will smith. Im happy to be here. I said, i think this guy is running for president of my show that night. You said maybe you should be the first black president. Yeah, i missed it. I missed it. I was thinking about it. But i watched obama for the last eight years. Thats a hard job, man. Stephen yeah, yeah, it is, it is, yeah. Eight years ago, he looked like you look now. Yeah, right, exactly, exactly. I was like, man applause no, that stephen you ever think about it . Because people would vote for you . Youd vote for him, wouldnt stephen you have to get the debbies. Does politics hold any interest for you . You know, i definitely have had the itching, you know. Ive had you know, i have lots of views and ideas and sometimes i hear people say things on television, and i just want to run against them. laughter . Stephen run straight at them . Just straight at them and knock them over. But, you know, its its know. Stephen like politics and acting, its a fine line. Yeah, it really is. It really is. Stephen because you have to hold the audiences attention. And there are good actors and bad actors in the same way. Ive definitely thought about it. My wife has said on numerous occasions, hell no. laughter stephen is that a direct quote . Yes, its a direct quote. Stephen let me write t im not sure what she means. Stephen you would do a great job playing the role of barack obama. That might be good. That might be good. Stephen do you have have you worked on your obama . Because you guys both have swagger . Yeah, swagger. Weve talked about it a couple of times. Stephen you and obama have talked about it . Weve talked about it. Stephen hold on. Yeah, me and b was talking chatting. But we talked about we talked about it a couple of times. He said the one thing what is for sure, i have the ears to play him. Yeah. Stephen thats true. I think that is the the man does not need the n. S. A. He can hear what everybody is saying all the the time. laughter after eight years of the barack Obama Presidency, there was all this sort of hope that we were in a sort of or talk at least we wer m postracial society. What do you think of race relations, given the the tension now in the United States after eight years of the Obama Presidency . You know, its interesting. I always look at these things in terms of a marriage, you know. So i ive done my 10,000 hours of marriage counseling, right. So, you know, jada and i have worked really hard to develop a successful relationship. So i always look at things in relations in this country now, theres a thing that happens before things are cleaned up. Theres a darkness before the dawn that is always difficult, you know applause thank you, thank you. Stephen so now so, you know, when i hear people when i hear people say, its worse than its ever been, i disagree completely. Its clearly not was in the 60s, you know. And its certainly not as bad as it was in the 1860s. laughter right . You know. So sort of like a doctor has to go open the abscess to drain the wound. Youve got to see whats going on . We are talking about race in this country more clearly and openly than we have almost ever in the history of this country. Its on the the table. applause you know. History of sort of ignoring problems until you cant anymore. Yeah, i think racism is not getting worse. Its getting filmed, you know, you know. So i think i think that the revolution may not be televised but its being tweeted. Its being tweeted for sure. I really think this darkness, as bad as it is and as difficult as it is, the problems are on the the table, you know. So i i view that in same way as jada through things in our marriage. When the truth comes out, when it gets on the table and you have to confront whats real, it sucks. Stephen sometimes one of the two people says, oh, hell no. Is oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. If you think youre going to be doing that in this relationship, youve got another thing coming. You know. No but i do view it as a difficult time, but i think i think its the the problems on the table. And i think theres an level of understanding that weve never had before, you know,. Stephen that is a very hopeful way of looking at it. Absolutely. applause . Stephen ill tell you what im hopeful about. Ill tell you something im looking forward to, and this is sincere, is suicide squad. Im really looking forward to that. applause i have rarely been as excited for a summertime movie than this one. You play deadshot. Deadshot, yeah. Stephen youre an stephen and you also have something of a heart. An assassin with a heart. laughter . Stephen and i think we have a clip right here. Jimmy. Hey, angelo, this is the exterminator you called for your rat problem. My accounts looking a little thin. No one gets paid until what needs to get done gets done. Nope, thats not the rules. No money, no honey. Theyre taking him out of the car now. In about 30 seconds your okay, relax. There was an accounting error. We sent it. Double it. Youve got 10 seconds. Were not the kind of people you play with. Did you threaten me . This dude is about to get a sore throat from all of the singing hes about to do. You son of a pleasure doing business with you, angy. cheers and applause stephen i cant wait. Weve got to take here. Well be right back with more will smith. Stick around. Emerge restored. 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Even if youre not a customer. Create your own tour of italy is back starting at 12. 99, only at olive garden. Choose 3 of 9 of our favorite italian dishes plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. Hurry in and create your own tour. . With simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, withdrawal, transfer or payment each month to waive the monthly fee. And theres no minimum balance. Re alright. With simply right checking from santander bank. . Are you feeling alright, baby . . cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with will smith. Now yeah home, you you cant believe how good he just made these people feel. Check it out online. Im sure well put it up some place. I actually had one other question about suicide squad. Yes. Stephen this is great ensemble of big stars, each playing these sort of super villains. And we had Margot Robbie on here, who plays harley quinn. Yeah, shes fantastic. Stephen and she said she has her own tattoo gun, like yes, yes. Stephan tattooing the word squad on all of you all. Not all of us. Stephen did you not get the squad tattoo . Heres the thing. See i try i troo to keep myself young and in shape and, you know, this cast is a the lot of, you know, 20yearolds. Right . And the thing about a 40yearold hanging with a 20yearold is you realize stephen you look pretty good. Pretty good shape, man. So she comes in, you know, with her with the needle. Her full 20yearold glory and a tattoo gun, hey, everybody lets give each other tattoos. No. laughter applause . Stephen not even like not even like in, like, a hidden place or anything like that . No, just no. Tattoos, and i am easily influenced. So i didnt get one, but i gave a really bad one. laughter . Stephen you used it and gave somebody else yeah, i gave somebody a re really bad, really bad tattoo. Joel kenneman, he plays lieutenant flak. And he was like, come on. Tattoo tattoo and i was like, oh tragedy. Stephen so you so you showed some reserve there. Yeah, no, i mean, i didnt do it, but its like he has one for the rest of his life. Stephen for you, you for me, i was like nah im good. Im 40. Stephen you put a lot of thought into the things you do. You dont go off halfcocked. No i like to keep it somewhat cerebral. Stephen i believe that. I believe that, because eye mean, are you a deep oh, hell yeah. laughter . Stephen well, i thought that about you. I thought you were deep. Its funny that you ask me that kind of question because im so deep laughter . Stephen im deep, too. Thats why i ask questions about whether somebodys deep. Oh thats deep. laughter stephen and, you know, these people may know, whenever i have a guest who is as deep as you are and as deep as i am, i universe with me in a segment we call Big Questions with even bigger stars. cheers and applause stephen wow, what a beautiful night. Yeah. Stephen look at that sky. Lots of stars and stuff. Stephen yeah. I feel really close to you right now, laughter laughter stephen hmmm. You know, stephen . Stephen yeah, will . How do you want to be thought of by your greatgreat grandchildren . Stephen oh, i think id like them to think of me as still being alive. laughter yeah. Stephen you know . Yeah, that would be good. Stephen hey, will . Stephen with all these new medical advancements, how long do you think humans will be able to live . Well, not long enough to watch your whole netflix cue. Stephen probably not, probably not. laughter . Stephen . Stephen yeah, will. You ever wonder if were all, like, just inside of some dogs dream . laughter . Stephen no, because if we were, then there wouldnt be cu stephen oh ah. Well, unless its a nightmare. Stephen true, good point barking . Yeah. What do you want on your gravestone . Stephen i think, well, i thought it was funny. laughter stephen will . When when someone calls you but its a wrong number, do you ever think about thats the last time youll ever talk to that person . laughter stephen no, because i call them back a year later fors venge. laughter applause stephen a shooting stephen wish on it. Dont tell me what it is or it wont come true . I already didnt. laughter applause hey, stephen, if you could trade places with anyone on earth, just anyone. Stephen anybody . Stephen id have to say you, will. Ooh. Stephen what about you . Uh, id say you. Stephen oh, oh, man, thats so nice. Yeah, but only after you were me. laughter applause stephen oh, okay. Yeah. Id still be will smith, but id be like, hey, i admire that guy. laughter stephen . Stephen will. What do you think about when you close your eyes . Eyes . Stephen that i probably shouldnt be driving . laughter will, will, do you do you believe in reincarnation . Um, no. But i did in a past life. laughter introvert or an extrovert . Um, that depend on how cold the water is. lau