Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump starring donald trump as the republican party. May contain traces of republican. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs . . . cheers and applause stephen pow boom, pow thank you cheers and applause audience chanting stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. cheers and applause wow welcome to the late show coming to you live from the ed sullivan theater. Im stephen colbert. Thank you all for staying up into the weekend, at this point. Do a live show, they said. Its important, they said. Well, its the final night of the republican convention, and, lo, it has come to pass. A day long foretold the trumpening. Tonight was a historic moment uniting americas political system, Entertainment Complex and the selftanner industry. laughter i think well all remember where we were when we got too drunk to remember where we were. The evening of course was kicked off by r. N. C. Chairman reince priebus, who reminded viewers of an essential american truth. Of happiness is not just a tag line for a Bumper Sticker. laughter stephen yes, its is not just ive actually never seen it on a Bumper Sticker actually. I think the Bumper Sticker is life, liberty, grass or ass. Nobody rides for free. laughter and applause how you guys doing . Good . Jon yeah, good. Stephen very exciting. Of course, because the main event tonight was trumps acceptance shout. It was the biggest, most fabulous, luxurious fivestar diamond admiral class acceptance speech in the history of mouth movement. laughter okay, overall takeaway good news, bad news good news, america is still a shining city. Bad news, the shining is just raging dumpster fires being set by roving bands of angry barbarians coming to kill us and right from the beginning, trump made a bold promise. Here, at our convention, there will be no lies. Stephen all right. Fair enough. laughter lets take a minute, lets check on that. I humbly stephen all right, theres one, right there. cheers and applause no no. Ding. Sorry. That is a foul ball. And trump wasted no time taking a swipe at president obamas foreign policy. President obama drew a red line in syria, and the whole world knew it meant absolutely nothing. Stephen oh, please, that is actually pretty accurate. Okay, one for team orange. Got to give it to him. Now, trump painted himself as an big business, elite media and major donors are lining up behind the campaign of my opponent. Stephen that is true. They have. And because a lot of companies dont want to associate themselves with a controversial candidate like donald trump, the convention actually lost sponsors like ford, u. P. S. And j. P. Morgan chase. But one company stood by the republicans regardless of their candidate robinsons turd polish, their slogan its all youve got, so make itny cheers and applause polish that thing up. Its a turd you can see your face in. laughter and trump hammered democrats for being deceptive corporate cronies. So, if you want to hear the corporate spin, the carefully crafted lies and the media stephen but if you want hastilyassembled lies and no corporate sponsors, youve come to the right place cheers and applause tada cheers and applause i got the hips. Got the hips. cheers and applause i dont know what that means. Donald did not do that at any pot, he didnt do this. Now, trumps core message was clear Hillary Clinton, bad. Hillary clinton is proposing mass amnesty, Mass Immigration and mass lawlessness. My opponent wants to essentially abolish the second amendment. Hillary clintons message is that things will never change. Stephen thats right, shes going to change everything and make up your mind, Hillary America needs to know why it hates you so much applause speaking of which, speaking of the dems, trump had a strong message to win over some new supporters. I have seen firsthand how the system is rigged against our citizens, just like it was rigged against bernie sanders. He never had a chance. Never had a chance. But his supporters will join our movement. Stephen oh, yeah. laughter no its true, its true. Makes sense. If his supporters cant have bernie, theyll go to trump. Kind of like if you ask for a coke, but they dont have it, you say, then just fill my mouth with bees. cheers and applause of course, donald trump knows that when youre giving the im going to make our country rich again. We are going to build a great border wall. Stephen whoo whoo whoo, whoo do crooked hillary. Whoo do i prefer soldiers who dont get captured do china. China china pocket right now. laughter all right. Now, near the end, trump paused and turned reflective. My dad, fred trump, was the smartest and hardest working man i ever knew. I wonder sometimes what he would say if he were here to see this and to see me tonight. Stephen i think hed say, also, how is that your hair . You were balding when you were 20. laughter doesnt make any sense. applause so it was a great performance. I got to give that to him. Really fired up the room and finally answered the question, what if frankensteins monster was in charge of the angry mob . In the end, i mean, final takeaway, was the speech angry . Yes. Was it filled with halftruths but i have to admit, the song they chose to play at the end was a refreshing bit of honesty. . You cant always get what you want . Stephen well be right back stick around it might be something youll be talking about tomorrow. . . . Tmobiles coverage is unstoppable. 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Sure, you can keep the kitty side. . . Thats why theres nationwide, . Happy anniversary dinner, darlin can this much love be cleaned by a little bit of dawn ultra . Oh yeah. And. . . . cheers and applause stephen yeah whoo hey, welcome back, everybody thank you so much cheers and applause you know, as fun as it is to watch and talk about the convention, there is a little nonconvention news out there. Im not sure if you guys know this, but it was announced today that fox news c. E. O. And jabba the hut cosplayer roger ailes, he was accused of repeated Sexual Harassment, well today, he has resigned as the head of fox news. cheers and applause this resignation is a bit of a laughter internal probe, of course, is one of the things hes accused of asking for. Now, i just want to say that, although i spent well over a decade making fun of his network and him and the damage i think he did to the world, the news of this man losing his job gives me no pleasure. laughter jimmy, can we get the camera off cheers and applause cheers and applause if only there was someone i cheers and applause hey, stephen. Stephen oh, jon stewart cheers and applause cheers and applause good to see you i missed everything . Normally this time of night, im just sleeping. What were you guys talking about . Stephen you know how roger ailes has been accused of Sexual Harassment . Oh, i might have read something about that. Stephen well, today, roger ailes stepped down. Huh. cheering cheers and applause stephen so thanks for stopping by. Is there something i could help you with . I was wondering if i could just maybe talk about the election for a little bit. Stephen oh yeah, of course. Go ahead. Well, im gonna just need the your desk. Stephen you want to sit here . Yeah. cheering stephen really nice down here. America, i stephen over there. Its been a while. Stephen actually jon, weve got to this. cheering oh, yeah. Stephen there you go. Clipon goes right on the hair. Stephen have a good time. Thank you so much. Hello how are you . cheers and applause well, the conventions over. I thought donald trump was going to speak. Ivanka said that he was going to come out. She said he was really compassionate and generous. But then this angry groundhog came out and he just vomited on everybody for an hour. The republicans appear to have a very clear plan for america. They articulated it throughout the convention. Opponent. Two, inject Rudy Giuliani with a speedballandredbull enema. laughter and three, spend the rest of the time scaring the holy bejesus out of everybody. But im not interested in that. Im usually interested in gymnastics. With the rio olympics coming up, im enjoying the gymnastics portion of the program thats about to occur. That will be the contortions many conservatives will now have to do to embrace donald j. Trump, a man who clearly embodies all the things that they have for years said theyve hated about barack obama. Most inexperienced nominee to ever run for president. One of the most divisive president s in history. Notoriously thinskinned. Straightforwardly authoritarian. A raging narcissist who has no grip on reality. A thinskinned narcissist with no government experience. Yes, that sounds exactly like barack obama. laughter so now, the rightwing media is going to have to spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week, justifying this choice theyve made. Can they make the turn . laughter they already are. Lets trace their journey through the eyes of one of their most talen his name escapes me, lets just refer to him as lumpy. laughter hi, lumpy. For instance, heres how lumpy felt about Barack Obamas divisiveness. This president is the most divisive president in history. Scare tactics, class warfare, racial rhetoric. Divided along racial lines, rich versus poor, black versus white, old versus young. Cats vs. Dogs batman vs. Superman. That one against the other two cheers and applause i have been out of the business for a while. I dont know what that is, actually. laughter well, if you dont like divisiveness, what about when trump suggested that mexico is sending us their rapists . If you dont like divisive rhetoric, then perhaps inarticulate, but he did say, you know, some people are good people. He didnt say all mexicans. Youre right, and Cinco De Mayo he had the trump tower taco bowl that is one of the healingest meals on the trump tower menu. I am not an expert on racial unity, but i do believe that some of our more vaunted historical leaders in that area did retweet White Supremacists less than trump. So i believe im just sayin. Then there was the obama crony that lumpy couldnt stand. His old friend teleprompty. President obama, he cant read a sentence without a teleprompter. He sleeps with the darn thing. Yeah, he probably sleeps with the darn thing, and then probably doesnt call it the next day because it didnt say so on the teleprompter laughter lumpy, your 180, please. Weve seen him now give a series of policy speeches, using a teleprompter, staying on message, really well done for somebody who had never done it before. You hate teleprompters laughter youre saying now teleprompters are for stupid people and i thought trump handled it pretty good. laughter okay, inexperience aside, divisiveness aside, the worst thing about barack obama is his elitism. Barack obama is anything but mainstream. Sitting in his milliondollar home, claiming to be for the people, we have to wonder how in touch he is with the average american. Take a look at him ordering his burger with a very special condiment. Burger, mr. President. laughter yeah, you elitist. You probably eat the burger with your mouth, instead of acting like a real american and having a magnum fire it up your ass, like they serve em at arbys thats how they serve them actually, at arbys, they shoot them right up your ass. Meanwhile, heres how lumpy feels about the guy who sits in a literal Golden Throne at the top of a golden tower with his of it, eating pizza with a knife and fork. laughter how do you feel about that guy . I thought one of the more fascinating descriptions of your dad came from you. You once called him on my show a blue collar billionaire. laughter thats not a thing cheers and applause you know what . Guy youd like to sit down and own a fleet of airplanes with. Look, all that stuff is actually superficial. And im sure its easy for people without ethics or principles to embrace someone who embodies everything they said they hated about the previous president for the past eight years. Because, really for a president , its about whats inside. And thats where lumpy and friends, thats where they really have found the president lacking. Who sits in the pews of jeremiah g. D. America and americas chickens have come home to roost after 9 11 . Is that a Christian Church to you . He says hes a christian. Im a christian. I wouldnt go to reverend wrights church. But obama would. Because hes the type of christian thats, you know, not christian. laughter well you know what though, when the pope said that trumps talk about immigration was not christian, surely that gave lumpy pause. Whos the pope to say that donald trump is not a christian . How can a pope or anybody decide yeah, who died and made that guy pope . cheers and applause no one . Oh, he just retired . I feel that. So lets just say it for real. So heres where we are. Either lumpy and his friends are lying about being bothered by thinskinned, authoritarian, lessthanchristian readersof prompter being president , or they dont care, as long as its their thinskinned prompter you just want that person to give you your country back. Because you feel that your this countrys rightful owners. Theres only only one problem with that. This country isnt yours. You dont own it. It never was. There is no real america. You dont own it. cheers and applause you dont own patriotism. You dont own christianity. You sure as hell dont own respect for the bravery and sacrifice of military, police trust me. I saw a lot of people on the Convention Floor in cleveland with their Blue Lives Matter rhetoric who either remained silent or actively fought against the 9 11 First Responders bill reauthorization. I see you. And i see your no audio . cheers and applause i see it. laughter cheers and applause my fault. Never been on a Television Show with stakes before. So i see you. You got a problem with those americans fighting for their youve got a problem with them because you feel like, whats representative steve kings word for it . Subgroups of americans are being divisive. Well if you have a problem with that, take it up with the founders. We hold these truths to be selfevident, that all men are created equal. Sorry, big up. Respect, linmanuel. Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not being divisive. Those fighting to keep those people out are. Have embraced donald trump. Clearly the c next to your name doesnt stand for constitutional conservative, but cravenly convenient c air horn blowing stephen sorry. I was just cleaning the air horn jon, and it went off. Please enjoy these commercials. Jon stewart jon stewart, everybody. Constipated . Trust number one doctor recommended dulcolax use dulcolax tablets for gentle overnight relief suppositories for relief in minutes and stool softeners for comfortable relief of hard stools. 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Which i probably shouldve seen coming. . . . cheers and applause stephen hey hey, welcome back, everybody cheers and applause my first guest tonight is a United States senawh been dogging donald trump for months now on twitter. Please welcome senator Elizabeth Warren. cheers and applause . . . Stephen nice to have you on again. Its good to be here. Stephen youre always a bit of a firebrand and i know youve got a lot of opinions about donald trump. Yes. Stephen okay. Give me an overall impression of the message of the republicans this week. Um, i thought it was the nastiest, most divisive convention that weve seen in half a century, and that stephen well, do you think thats their fault or whether theyre expressing a genuine anger in the world . Its easy to say there are people being angry and i notice that, too, but arent people angry . Isnt that why bere look, people are angry and have good reasons to be angry. Incomes are flat, expenses are up, young people cant make it through College Without getting crushed by debt. Seniors cant stretch a Social Security check to cover food and rent. There are a lot of reasons to be angry but lets be really, really clear, donald trump does not have the answers. cheers and applause stephen lets talk about the where are not the answers . He said people have pushed you around, im here to push back. What is wrong