President trump last night, announced the creation of a department called voice, which will deal specifically with crimes committed against americans by immigrants. Not to be confused with the voice, which deals with crimes against music committed by teenagers. [ light laughter ] former kentucky governor, Steve Basheer delivered the democratic response to president trumps address to Congress Last night. And i dont want to say it was dull, but this isnt a photograph. This is a video. [ laughter ] [ applause ] today was ash wednesday, the day when noncatholics say to catholics, go like this. [ laughter ] oh. So sorry. Chocolate maker hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its Global Workforce by about 15 . Thats right. For the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for lent. [ laughter ] when asked by one the people you did this to, what that joke means. A Lightning Strike today created a hole in the runway at laguardia airport. So now even god is trying to put laguardia out of its misery. [ laughter and applause ] today was world math day. Yay, said a muffled voice from inside a locker. [ laughter ] hey, let me out to celebrate a man in austria yesterday, tried to enter a court with a bag of cockroaches. Get those horrible creatures out of here, said the cockroaches about the lawyers. [ light laughter ] and finally, a new copy machine is being sold that allows people to print customized words and photos on their lattes. And guess whos excited about that . [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. She has a new standup special, on netflix the leather special. Shes one of the funniest people on earth, our friend, amy schumer is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] and also, from rupauls drag race on vh1, rupaul is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from panic at the disco. [ cheers and applause ] a great night. Before we get to all that, donald Trump Addressed Congress for the first time as president , last night. It was a restrained performance, which means once again the media salivated over the possibility of a more president ial trump. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] after a chaotic first month in which trump has already dipped to record low approval ratings, last nights speech was a major opportunity for him to potentially reset the narrative. And you can tell it was a momentous occasion, because as the speech got closer, cnn upgraded from its normal sized countdown clock to a special super sized clock that took up almost half the screen. Soon wolf blitzer is going to have surgery to get a new head. [ light laughter ] meanwhile, on msnbc, the anticipation was apparently so high, that the anchors were literally analyzing what paul ryan was eating and drinking. These guys are so happy. Ive been watching, he just slipped a lifesaver into his mouth, the speaker of the house. Hes been drinking water. Hes doing everything thats available to him. Of course water. I think hes having a hell of a time up there. Seth thats paul ryan having a hell of a time. Im on top of the world Room Temperature water for all my friends. [ laughter ] also, hes drinking water, so he must be happy . Thats not how you analyze politics. Thats how you make sure your cat isnt dying. [ laughter ] oh good hes drinking water. Fever must be gone. And trump himself seemed to be aware of how important this speech was because as he was preparing to make his way to the capital in his motorcade, he left the lights on in his car and cameras were able to capture him practicing his speech to himself. Come on we can do it. All the way. There we go, here we go, here we go. There he is. Screen or paper . Looks like paper. Hes lipping it. Hes doing it. Hes practicing. Yeah but hes actually voicing it. [ laughter ] no idea hes on television. No idea hes on television, and were under way. Look at this. You dirty dog. You let them take my picture. Seth theyre talking like theyre watching a gorilla at the zoo. [ laughter ] oh, look at that. Hes using sign language. He loves that tire. [ laughter ] when trump finally got to the capital and took the podium, he was as usual flanked by the Vice President and speaker of the house who wore almost identical suits and ties. Look at those two, they look like the twins from the shining. [ laughter ] no, less creepy. Now, as we know trump has spent the last year and a half lowering the bar when it comes to public speaking. So the fact trump managed to sustain a muted tone, that for any other politician would be considered unremarkable and even a little boring, was itself seen as a huge victory last night. And look, there were plenty of voters who were impressed or reassured by his message as early polls have shown. But as usual, the media obsessed over their favorite topic, his tone. Easily the most traditional speech he has given in public life. The most speechlike speech. The tone, the president ial demeanor. A reset in tone. A more sober tone. A more president ial tone. President trump tonight sounding president ial. I feel like tonight donald trump became the president of the united states. Seth although i bet some muslims and undocumented immigrants that would tell you he became president back in [ bleep ] january [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] guys, seriously, do you have do you have amnesia . We have been here many times before. For like a year and a half now. Did you forget all the other times you said the exact same thing . Lets go back to, i dont know, april of last year. Youve seen tonight a new tone from donald trump. Were seeing a different donald trump these days. Now his team is reaching out to the gop with the promise of a more president ial trump. The tone with donald trump tonight was so much more, so much different than i had seen just a couple weeks ago. He didnt call senator ted cruz liein ted. No nicknames. He called him senator cruz. You heard donald trump tonight sounding you tell me, more president ial . Senator cruz, not liein ted. Did you notice that . Seth and maybe lucy really will let me kick the football this time. [ laughter and applause ] the pundit reviews the pundit reviews of last nights speech have demonstrated that despite all their tangles with the trump administration, and the relentless abuse they have gotten from trump himself, there are still many in the media who are desperate to treat him like any other president. You can see that just in the words they use to describe his performance. Last night was a normal moment. Look at whats a normal moment. A memorably normal speech. It was a pretty normal sounding speech. Political headline, trump tries on normal. Seth thats right. Like a pair of pants, trump tried on normal and asked america, does this make my ass look big . [ laughter and applause ] now, trumps tone may well have been restrained but the substance of the speech was as divisive as before, from rhetoric about cracking down on immigration to his pledge to repeal obamacare. And you could tell it was divisive, not just from the policies but the faces on democrats. For example, there was liberal justice ilaina kagan, who had a look on her face like she was alone in the woods and heard a twig snap. [ light laughter ] and then there was House Minority leader, nancy pelosi. Watch her reaction when the camera cuts to her after a trump line on jobs. [ applause ] [ laughter ] seth she looks like a mom watching her daughter marry a biker with a face tattoo. [ laughter ] now, trumps speech focused mainly and his method of economic nationalism but provided very few details. For example, rather than explain the specifics of his jobs plan, he told this story about a meeting with harley davidson. I just met with officials and workers from a Great American company, harley davidson. In fact, they proudly displayed five of their magnificent motorcycles, made in the usa, on the front lawn of the white house. And they wanted me to ride one, and i said, no thank you. Seth of course not. Trump cant ride a motorcycle. Have you seen what the wind does to his hair . [ laughter ] im pretty sure after five minutes on a harley hed look like michael chiklis. [ laughter ] so despite what you heard from the media about trumps performance, the speech was heavy on empty promises and light on substance. There was so many Unanswered Questions it was time for the democrats to respond. You might think now would be a good time to showcase some young and up and coming talent. A hotshot like cory booker or kirsten gillibrand. So who did they get . Im Steve Basheer, i was governor of kentucky from 2007 to 2015. Now, im a private citizen. Seth im sorry, so the democratic response was delivered by the survivors of a zombie apocalypse, huddled in an abounded diner. Seriously, where the hell are you guys . Im here in lexington, kentucky, some 400 miles from washington at a diner with some neighbors. Seth in fact, i was just sitting here minding my own business when the democrats showed up with a camera and said, would you like to respond to the president s address to congress tonight . and i said, surely you have someone younger or more exciting. and they said, no, will you just do it . and i said, ill do it if you pay for my omelet. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] look, trump did manage to sustain a more moderate tone last night, but he also offered the same empty solutions to nonexistent problems. Lets not get fooled again, weve been here with trump before. To many, the speech sounded president ial. But to others, it sounded like a twig snapping in the woods. This has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] came home. Or maybe the day you realized your baby was not a baby anymore. Every subaru is built to earn your trust. Because we know what youre trusting us with. Subaru. Kelley blue books most trusted brand. And best overall brand. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Give extra. Get extra. What if technology gave us the power to turn this enemy into an ally . Microsoft and its partners are using smart traps to capture mosquitoes and sequence their dna to fight disease. There are over 100 million pieces of dna in every sample. With the microsoft cloud, we can analyze the data faster than ever before. If we can detect new viruses before they spread, we may someday prevent outbreaks before they begin. Yowhich has that one scene you forgot about. So you use your goto parental blocking device. 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[ cheers and applause ] also joining us again tonight, hes a legendary drummer whos played with groundbreaking artists like frank zappa, herbie hancock, and has a new streaming site for unique music performances launching in april, called live muse tv. Vinnie colaiuta is here. Thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] seth so i read a news report recently that scientists at the university of limerick at ireland have discovered a new organ in the human body that functions as a part of the digestive track. A new organ in 2017. Hearing things like this always gets me to thinking, you know, im getting older, and, i sometimes i look around me and dont even recognize the world im living in. Things are changing every day and not always for the better. [ light laughter ] and when i have those moments, i think, its just time to take a look and talk about [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] how things were just a little bit more simple back in my day. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth you know, back in my day, they would put the arms of the sweater out for me. [ light laughter ] back in my day, scientists werent discovering new organs in the human body. No, back then, the only people finding new organs on their body were teenagers. [ light laughter ] and once they found them, they spent a lot of time with them. [ light laughter ] i know i did. [ light laughter ] back in my day, people didnt show up to town Hall Meetings to angrily yell at their congress person. No, if you wanted to disrespect your congress person, you did it the Old Fashioned way, by not knowing who the hell they were. [ light laughter ] back in my day, we didnt have Casey Affleck in manchester by the sea. We had ben affleck in gone girl. [ light laughter ] and there was a shower scene in that movie where just for a second you could kind of see his wiener [ light laughter ] youd be sitting in the thats right with your best gal, and all of a sudden, youd say, hey, that was ben afflecks penis [ light laughter ] and it was nice. [ light laughter ] and we liked it. [ light laughter ] but now all you see is the other affleck penisinpants, starring in a movie where his brother dies. [ dog barking ] oh, hush up, rusty. Its not a spoiler. It happens in the first five minutes, but then a lot of other people die. [ light laughter ] back in my day, we didnt have people announcing the wrong winner at awards shows. Poppycock. No, sir. Back in my day, when we watched awards shows we just sat back and enjoyed the sweet, sweet voice of the wickedly talented adele dazeem. [ light laughter ] back in my day, we didnt have instagram filters. We had brita filters. [ light laughter ] but it was an entirely different thing. [ light laughter ] instead of taking selfies, you were purifying water. [ light laughter ] and you didnt get likes. You got hydrated. [ light laughter ] and instead uploading pictures and tagging your friends, you loaded up pitchers so you could pour it out for your friends. [ light laughter ] maybe times have changed, or maybe that was just a bad comparison. [ light laughter ] [ light laughter ] back in my day we didnt have a Vice President who was kind of a dick. No, sir. Back in my day the Vice President s name was dick. [ laughter and applause ] dick cheney. [ applause ] also, he was also kind of a dick. [ light laughter ] back in my day mcdonalds didnt have allday breakfast. If you wanted an egg mcmuffin, by golly, you got up early either that, or you did enough blow the night before to stay till sunrise. Oh, that was fun. The clock would hit 6 00 a. M. And youd burst into the mickey dees shouting about hash browns until the cashier said, sir, please calm down. But youd stand your ground and say, i am a paying customer, and i demand to speak to the grimace [ light laughter ] or at least thats what the Police Report would say. [ light laughter ] [ dog barking ] whats that, rusty . You did a bunch of blow backstage . [ dog repeatedly barking ] [ light laughter ] seth whoa, whoa, whoa easy, girl tell me about your screenplay later. [ dog barking ] [ light laughter ] seth back in my day, we didnt have athletes like Colin Kaepernick taking a knee. We had athletes like Tonya Harding taking a knee. [ light laughter ] and that knee didnt even belong to her. Well, im sorry, everybody. I just have to do that sometimes. This grizzly grouch gotta give me goosey juice. This has been back in my day. [ cheers and applause ] well be back with amy schumer, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] girls night girls night okay, when did colorful jeans become the hot trend that none of my friends told me about . We got em at old navy. You went to old navy without me . Yea. You are the worst. Best friends a girl could ever want all jeans are up to 50 off, even these rockstar jeans. They are so soft. Im putting these bad boys on right now. Theres a bathroom right there. I do it all the time here. They know me. They know me. Because when it comes to great tasting water. Fill quickly and pour immediately, for great tasting water. Fast. New brita stream. My swthis scarf all thatsara. Left to remem. What she washed this like a month ago the long lasting scent of gain flings weve always been dreamers. Weve been a symbol of the future. A standard. A star. But our past is just that, past. What lies ahead is in our hands. We are pioneers. Making cars that push the limits of imagination. Cars you can drive without your hands. Cars built for tomorrow. So, our greatest achievements cant lay behind us. Because our destiny lies ahead. Thats what it means to drive the world forward. Thats what it means to dare. Slow wifi at home. Guess im studyingthat is rough. Night. You know. Ipad pro has lte like your phone, so you can get internet pretty much anywhere. Anywhere is the movie of the moment. [ gasps ] an instant classic. They treat us like family. 100 on rotten tomatoes. Dont miss americas number one movie. [ gun cocks ] [ screaming ] get out. Rated r. [ cheers and applause ] seth our first guest tonight is an emmy and peabody awardwinning actress and comedian you know from her hit film, train wreck. And the very popular Comedy Central series, inside amy schumer, her latest standup special, amy schumer the leather special begins streaming march 7th on netflix. Lets take a look. So i tweet out this photo of myself, okay . Im in im holding coffee, im topless in just underwear, and it goes viral. Like it was everywhere. Every every news show, every website. And thats when i learned the word you dont want people to use when a nude photo of you goes viral. Brave . [ laughter ] can you imagine you take your clothes off in front of someone for the first time and theyre like, damn, you look mad brave right now. [ laughter ] seth please welcome back to the show our friend amy schumer, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Im so good. Everythings perfect in the world. Seth oh, thats great. [ laughter ] its so nice to get you at a time when youre this happy and theres nothing to complain about. Not a cloud in the sky. [ light laughter ] seth i want to ask can you can you be on bow watch . Because i did this backstage, and its, like, kind of seth ok, gotcha. Like, you know what i mean, so. Seth bow watch. Bow watch. Seth is it less impressive nephew to b