[ laughter ] President Trump this afternoon addressed the north Korean Missile program and said if they continue to threaten the United States, quote, they will be met with a fire and fury like the world has never seen. Yeah, that ought to cool things down. [ laughter ] god forbid trumps ever put in charge of a hostage situation. Kill a hostage . You dont have the balls. [ laughter ] plus if you do, ill kill everyone outside the bank north Korean Leader kim jongun, yesterday, responded to new u. N. Sanctions against the country saying, quote, there is no bigger mistake than the United States believing that its land is safe across the ocean. Yeah, except for maybe that mistake where youre trying to even out your sideburns, but you keep making one side shorter than the other. So you go back and trim the other side, but now that side is shorter. So you go back and trim the other side. And before you know it, you end up looking like this. [ laughter and applause ] theyre both bad mistakes. A new cnn poll found that only 24 of people felt they could trust the trump administration. Thats right, when it comes to trust, donald trump ranks just below gas station sushi. [ laughter ] despite President Trumps claims that he is working hard from his new jersey golf club, reports show the official white house calendar was fully cleared yesterday after 9 00 a. M. Trump is so unfamiliar with working, he forgot the to five part. [ light laughter ] i work every day, nine [ laughter ] and then i hit the links. Google, yesterday, fired a Software Engineer after he distributed a memo arguing that the gender gap in the Tech Industry is partly because women are more anxious and avoid highstress jobs. Of course hes a Software Engineer. He probably thinks the gender gap is where babies come from. [ laughter ] this weekends episode of game of thrones featured a cameo by new york mets pitcher noah syndergaard. And another one by the philly fanatic. [ laughter ] new Research Suggests that early exposure to pornography may be linked to misogynist thinking. Not to mention a very distorted sense of how pizza guys get tipped. [ laughter ] so just the money, then . Youre not [ laughter ] youre not going to invite me in for nine minutes . [ light laughter ] a company is raising funds to sell a smart salt shaker called the smalt, which can dispense salt in any amount via a connected app. The way it works is worse than a regular salt shaker. [ laughter ] hey, man, can i get some salt . I just need to find a wifi. [ laughter ] and finally according to a report, craft breweries are running out of names to call their beers. How . Just combine an animal, a body part, and an action. Watch. Dog balls punch ipa. Done. [ laughter ] donkey butt yank summer ale. Boom. Best seller. [ laughter ] weve got a great show for you guys tonight [ cheers and applause ] she is a goldenglobe nominated actress. Eva longoria is back on the show, everybody [ cheers and applause ] hes a lovely guy, fantastic actor and star of a great new film, the glass castle. Max greenfield joins us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and he is an Academy Awardnominated director and is a producer on a fantastic new series on fx, snowfall. John singleton joins us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] so youre on a great night. Now, you guys, i am in my 40s now. Im married, i have a kid. But nothing and i mean nothing makes me feel older than when i dont know the new slang terms teenagers are using. And it seems like these days, teen slang terms are evolving so fast that sometimes its hard to keep up. So we decided to give a little primer on new teen slang terms in a segment we call seth explains teen slang. [ cheers and applause ] seth all right, so heres a new slang term that teenagers are using. The term is schmuck finn. This is a kid who brags about doing the Summer Reading. [ laughter ] for example, gary wont shut up about how he finished the Summer Reading list in june. I wish that schmuck finn would drift down the mississippi river. [ laughter ] up next is pixard. Heres the definition, when you get so high you believe toys are alive. [ laughter ] for example, got so pixard on friday that i started arguing with my old buzz lightyear action figure. Then i just threw him out the window. Toinfinityandbeyond. [ light laughter ] very helpful. [ applause ] very helpful teen slang term. Next up we have shady hawkins dance. This is when two people go to prom who should not be dating. [ light laughter ] for example, um, why is rebecca here with travis . Travis dated kelly for two years and rebecca is supposed to be her best friend. Also, im pretty sure theyre cousins. Shadyhawkinsdance. Next we have scaramucci. Lets see what it means. Its a very confident guy who doesnt last long. [ cheers and applause ] here it is in a sentence. Mike talked a big game about how he was going to rock my world, but that scaramucci was finished before we could get to the bedroom. [ cheers and applause ] next up, its spiderman franchise. Lets see what it means. Its a kid who only has one story and keeps telling it over and over. [ light laughter ] for example, every time i hang out with todd, he tells the same exact story about how his dad was roommates with john smoltz. Spidermanfranchise. [ laughter and applause ] i fought so hard for the john smoltz joke. [ light laughter ] got to pen an apology to the writer of the piece. Moving on, we have super mario. Its the weird kid in school who likes to kill turtles. [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence. Walked up to that new kid david and said, hi, my name is jake. And he responded by saying i like to kill turtles. supermario. Next one is really taking off with teens, its a glee chub. [ light laughter ] youre getting there. [ laughter ] here it is in a definition, when you get a little too excited watching your crush sing in choir. [ laughter ] for example, after melissa hit that high note in defying gravity, i couldnt stand up for the ovation. Gleechub. [ cheers and applause ] our last teen slang term is costco. This is a girl you like, but shes a lot. [ laughter ] for example, jessica is super hot, but im going to break up with that costco, because every one of her orders at a restaurant contains the phrase but instead of. [ laughter ] that was seth explains teen slang. Well be right back with more late night everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] on here . Um. Im babysitting. Thatll be 50 bucks. You said 30. Yeah, well it was 30 before my fees, like the pizzaordering fee and the dogsitting fee. And the rummage through your closet fee. Are those my heels . Yeah yeah, were the same size. In shoes. With tmobile taxes and fees are already included, so you get four lines of unlimited for just 40 bucks each. For a limited time save 300 dollars on the amazing iphone 7. Ready, ok what do we want . Catpacks when do we want em . Meow everything you need to ready, set, go back to school. With motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. Hey, is this our turn . Honey. Our turn . Yeah, we go left right here. woman vo Great Adventures are still out there. Well find them in our Subaru Outback. avo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Get 0 apr financing for 63 months on all new 2017 Subaru Outback models. Now through august 31. 5 truth or dare is back. I can embrace a world fullber, of surprising moments. Experience more as a member. The marriott portfolio has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, youre here. Digiorno . Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Do you remember when i took your [photo this morning . , [boy] yea [intern] im afraid i have some terrible news. You have. Bug eyes here come the bugs ahh bugs everywhere uh oh, this little buggy got a lasagna. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back to late night, everybody. Now, if you follow science news, you might have heard that the Hubble Telescope discovered a new planetary body that may be the largest gas giant in the known universe. Yeah, its your butt. [ light laughter ] seth who said that . Uh, your butt did. Seth im sorry, everyone. This is my nephew, derrick. Hey, uncle seth. [ light laughter ] seth why are you interrupting my show . What . I was just making jokes. Its a comedy show, right . I dont know. My squad thought it was funny. Yo whats up . Whats up . Whats up . Whats up . Whats up . Seth sorry. Derrick, derrick, who are those kids . Uh, theyre my squad. I just said that . Are you losing your mind . [ laughter ] because if youre losing your mind, i know one place you might check. Seth dont say it. Up your big seth no. Fat seth dont say it derrick. Stupid smelly butt. What . What . Oh no seth all right, you know what, derrick . Thats enough. Come over here hold on, i have to high five everyone in the audience. [ cheers and applause ] seth no, derrick derrick, get over here i am so so sorry about this, everyone. My nephew derrick asked me if he could come on the show, but it looks like i cant trust him to be mature and sit quietly. So now he has to sit here with me at the desk where he cant get in any trouble. Hi, uncle seth. I like your fake eyelashes. [ laughter ] seth very funny, derrick. And i hope youre proud of yourself. I said you could come to the show, and then you just make fun of me to your friends . What . Make fun of you . No. Uncle seth, my friends begged me to come on the show cause theyre huge fans of yours. Seth i find that very hard to believe. They are. In fact, we all are. In fact, we even made tshirts. Can i show you . Can i show you . Seth yeah, sure. [ laughter ] i wanted permission to show you. Look. Seth oh. Do you know what it says . Seth yeah, take a closer look. Wow, thats really cool. Isnt that cool . Look at the back. Seth at my childsized d derrick [ applause ] what . Seth i hope youre happy. I hope youre happy, derrick, knowing you hurt my feelings. What . Seth now, because you had to act out and interrupt my show, now i dont have time to do my nasa segment. Not your nasa segment seth yeah, i cant do it oh, no. Seth and its your fault. God, youve been talking about the nasa segment for weeks. Seth yeah. Oh, my god, what a fool i am. [ light laughter ] im sorry. I didnt bean to interrupt your nasa segment. Seth you didnt bean to . I didnt mean to. I just i guess i just wanted to impress my friends. And you know, nobody [ audience aws ] yeah. [ laughter ] nobody even used to know that i existed before. Now, when i act out or when i speak truth to power, which is thats what i was doing before with the tshirt, speaking truth to power. Seth thats not what that means. When i speak truth to power now, people actually Pay Attention to me. Im afraid if they knew the real me, and stuff that i actually like, theyd think i was a spazz. Seth derrick, the real you is always cooler than anyone you could pretend to be. And i think it would be important like just tell me something that the real derricks into. Well, im really kind of into magic tricks, but everybody thinks thats super lame. No, derrick, no derrick, no [ laughter ] no . Seth no, derrick magic tricks take a lot of skill and dedication. I think thats really cool derrick. Come on. Seth no, its really cool. No seth could you show me one. Nobody wants to see me do a magic trick. [ cheers and applause ] seth sure, they do. Doesnt everyone want to see derrick do a magic trick . [ cheers and applause ] youre just goading me. Fine. I do have a deck of cards. Seth all right, great, here we go. A magic trick from my little nephew, derrick. Such a good boy. [ light laughter ] such a good boy. Okay, im going to ask you to just pick a card, any card. Seth all right, any card . Yeah. Seth okay, gotcha. Not that one. Im just kidding. You can you pick that one. Seth okay. Okay, i want you to look at it hard. Seth okay. Show it to the audience, but never to me. Never to me. Seth okay, im going to show it over here. There we go. Show it to them, not me. Seth okay, great. Got it . Seth yeah. Everybody has seen it . Have you seen it . Seth yep. Yep. Okay, now i want you to put it back in the cards. Seth okay, i can put it anywhere . Put it anywhere, yeah. Seth okay, great. All right. There we go. And now i want you to tap it. Seth okay. I want you to say the magic word awooga. Seth awooga. Awooga. Say awooga. Seth awooga. There you go. Now, say the other magic word, chim chim chiroo. [ light laughter ] seth chim chim chiroo. All right, now put it together. Seth awooga, chim chim chiroo. Very good. Tap it again. All right, and was this your card . [ light laughter ] seth no. No . It wasnt . Seth no. Huh. It wasnt . Huh. Seth and it couldnt have been. I mean huh. Hmm. Seth its not. Excuse me, sir. Would you mind, i think i know what the solution to this. Would you mind checking into your left breast pocket. Seth okay. Yeah. Seth all right. Wait this isnt my card. This is what is this . No, it is your card. Look, its your membership card to the tiny penis club [ laughter ] seth oh, come on derrick hey seth it wasnt even a real trick. Once again, my feelings are hurt. Thats the trick thats the trick. Thats the trick. [ laughter ] do you even like magic, derrick . Of course i do. I love magic. But im just afraid that if i try to do a real magic trick, id only just mess it up like i do everything. [ audience aws ] im such a turd. Im a big turd. Seth no, no. [ laughter ] derrick youre im a turd seth youre not a turd. Im a big turd. Seth youre not a turd. Im a big squishy one. [ laughter ] seth derrick, i bet if you put your mind to it you would be able to do a magic trick. Really . Seth yeah. Well there is one other trick ive been working on. Seth you want to try to show it to us . I could. [ cheers and applause ] seth okay. Well lets see it. Ladies and gentlemen, what youre about to see has never been performed on this world, or any other world. I present to you hammurabis cross. [ cheers and applause ] dont be afraid. The only person at risk tonight is me. [ light laughter ] ugh whew the ancient babylonians believed in a code of justice. An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, and a butt for a butt. [ light laughter ] but tonight, it will be a hand for a hand as i attempt to escape the shackles in this ancient torture box before the razorsharp axes fall, and clive my limbs from my very body seth cleave, derrick they cleave your limbs before the clock runs out. Seth clive is a first name. [ laughter ] dont blink. [ laughter ] i will now enter the torture chamber. Ooh okay. And now, to shackle me in. Do not worry, the axes are in place, and i will escape from the shackles. I need all of my concentration. Okay. Begin the countdown audience ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one wait, im not ready. Wait, no, not yet [ screaming ] [ laughter ] remove the boxes ahh bring them to seth. Seth are you there, seth . Seth yeah, im here. Seth, open the box. Seth okay. Oh [ cheers and applause ] derrick, thats my card what is it . Seth thats amazing. What is it . Seth the eight of hearts. Okay, seth, are you still there . Seth yeah. Can you hear me . Seth yeah, can you hear me . I need you to open the second box now. Seth okay. [ laughter ] what is it . [ cheers and applause ] is there something inside of it . Seth youre a bad kid, derrick well be right back with eva longoria [ cheers and applause ] [ gasps, laughs ] you ever feel like. Cliche foil characters scheming against a top insurer for no reason . Nah. So, why dont we like flo . She has the name your price tool, and we want it. But why . Why dont we actually do any work . Why do you only own one suit . Its just the way it is, underdeveloped office character. Youre right. Thanks, bill. No, youre bill. Im tom. You know what . No one cares. This summer, the Samsung Galaxy s8 get threeat best buy. Lars off when you filter out the bad. Youre left with. The good. In life. And in water. Choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita. Choose the filtered life. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the 8g band right over there [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight, shes the drummer for beyonce and her brand new e. P. , stealth, is out now on all digital platforms. Please welcome venzella joy, everybody [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Seth our first guest tonight is a producer, director, and a golden globenominated actress you know from desperate housewives. Her fashion line, eva longoria collection, is available now. Please welcome back to the show our friend eva longoria, everybody [ cheers and applause ] hi seth welcome, how are you . Hi, im great. How are well, im great, because im drinking. Seth you look beautiful. Im so glad you brought out some wine. I know, your show needs some alcohol. Yeah. Seth what does that mean . Is it just like, very hard sober . No, i love your i love i love seth. And i love your political commentary. Seth thank you. But its so true. That seth oh yeah, right now when you hear about it, its like, id love a drink. I get it. I drink, because hes right. Seth i want to ask you about a photo. You were at a [ cheers and applause ] you were at a was this a baby shower . Its a baby shower. Seth so serena williams. Yes. Seth you were at her baby shower. Youre good friends with serena. And it was, it looks like, what is it, 50s sock hop themed . Its a 50s theme. Serena is really big on theme parties, which is, like, such a pain in the ass. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] im so happy to hear you say that. Because friends who are into theme parties, its such a burden. Oh, my gosh its such a burden. I have to find an outfit. I have to make sure it fits. Actually, if you look closely at my dress, i went to a halloween shop in miami beach because this was in florida. And theres pirates on my dress, because its actually a pirate outfit, because i couldnt find a 50s outfit. Seth oh, my goodness. But i sewed it to make it look like a 50s outfit. Seth thats very impressive. Now is she the kind of person who has a theme party and if you had shown up in sort of oh you get like, shade. Seth oh, really . Oh, yeah, yeah. You get the looks of like, oh, you didnt dress up. Seth too good for the 50s. Too good to dress up, huh . So, you have to. Seth you mention that you sewed it. You actually know how to sew. Which i want to talk about your fashion line. But i feel like a lot of people have fashion lines, and i feel there are many who have never sewn. But you are no, i sew. I mean, i dont sew each piece in my fashion line. [ light laughter ] but ive been sewing since i was like seven. I used to sew like curtains and pillows and then i seth when you sewed curtains were they fo