Stephen thank you so much hey thats nice. Thats beautiful. Stephen wow, thank you so much, everybody wow. Thank you, mark. Thanks, everybody. Please. Thanks, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im stephen colbert. Happy to be cheers and applause nothing like a friday. . Its friday . . Its friday . Stephen i dont know what song were doing but i like it. I also like that suit, man. That is like the wallpaper at a tropical resort. Jon a dr. Seuss book. Stephen you would be a great dr. Seuss character. Jon i know, lets get it going. Stephen i have some laughter tonight dont tell him. Dont tell him. He is too young. He is not ready. 3 tonight was the Opening Ceremony of the 2016 summer Olympic Games in rio. And i know that because right now, youre watching that instead of me. Spoiler alert so am i. Although, although, heres the thing. It may not have happened, because there have been so many problems at this olympics unva the Australian Team had their laptops stolen, and just look what happened to one of the dressage horses. Unbelievable. laughter stripped it for parts. Yeah. True story. Jon oh, yeah . Stephen true story. Sad. Things are so bad, that even jesus has thrown up his arms. He doesnt know what to do. And preparations went right down to the wire. A rio spokesman said there was a wild scramble last weekend to find 650 plumbers. It must be hard to identify plumbers in a country where everyone is showing butt crack. Jon hey hey, hey stephen freshly waxed. And earlier this week, the rio Olympic Stadium had to be unlocked with bolt cutters after officials lost the keys. Oh man, i lost the keys to the olympics. laughter my dad is going to kill me. With all theof virus, the u. S. Mens Basketball Team isnt taking any chances. Theyve decided to stay on a luxury cruise liner during the games, which is great thinking, because no one has ever gotten sick on a cruise ship. And nothing gets you up for the big game like allyoucaneat midnight dessert bar. Obviously, besides olympics, we still have the elections going on. We talk a lot about donald s trump here, but hes not the eric greitens, a former navy seal, who is running for governor of missouri. See if you can figure out where he stands on gun control. Eric greitens a governor who will set his sights on politics as usual reduce spending, create jobs, protect life, defend the Second Amendment. Stephen looks like the Second Amendment is going to be okay. Although, i cant believe how bored he is while defending it. And im not sure who hes runninns maybe hes fishing. Im not sure why hes shooting at the lake. But greitens isnt just pandering to conservatives by shooting a machine gun in an ad. Hes doing it in two ads. Because heres one he ran during the primary. Im no career politician. Im a navy seal, and ill take dead aim at politics as usual. gunfire barrel explodes stephen now, im not sure its either please vote for me or please cast me in expendables 4. this is an election im definitely going to keep my eye on, not just because theres no way im turning my back on that guy. Now, in other election news, i want to take a minute and Say Something to Hillary Clintons running mate, senator tim kaine. Senator, when i heard you were chosen for v. P. , i immediately thought one thing hillary could not have picked a better person. For me to make some cash off. You see, here at the late show, our postproduction supervisor, mark spada, looks a lot like you. Jimmy, can we put up those photos . laughter applause all right. There you go. There you go. One of those guys is tim kaine. So that gave me an idea. Come on out here, mark. Mark spada, everybody. Mark, mark, thanks so much for being here. I work here. Stephen okay, fair enough. So, senator kaine, heres what im proposing you make our postproduction supervisor your understudy. So lets say instead of standing behind Hillary Clinton during one of her great but long speeches, maybe youd rather see a movie. No problem, mark here will fill in for you. He has over 40 years of nodding and clapping experience. Look at that ready to be Vice President on day one. And if that wasnt enough to fool the masses, mark also knows a number of your great dad jokes. What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college . Bison. laughter applause stephen not bad, not bad. Thank you. Thank you, senator. I mean, mark. Wow, see . This . Well, let me answer that question with a question senator, would you go to prison, or would you go to prison . Dont take my word for it. Take senator tim kaines. Im senator tim kaine, and i approve this message. laughter applause stephen thank you for your service. Thank you so much. cheers and applause thats good work. Nicely done. Now, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . . . Stephen hey oh, man. Oh, man, oh, man. Im happy. Jon yeah. Stephen you happy . Jon yeah. . Happy and you know it i love doing this show. A lot of people think and you probably think this, too that from 11 30 tow 12 30, the late show is on. Thats not true. Commercials are on. Were here to provide filler between the ads. Im proud of that association, because advertising has profoundly changed the world. For instance, before advertising, if you tried to buy insurance from a duck, they would think you were insane. My fellow celebrity, matthew mcconaughey, really embrace advertising. Weve all enjoyed whatever hes talking about in those lincoln ads. laughter he really should turn the air conditioning on in that car. And now, mcconaughey has signed on as creative director for wild turkey bourbon. And in addition to appearing on camera, he will write and direct the spots. So i hope you like your whiskey with a chaser of threeminute bongo solo. bongos cheers and applause piano stephen i could go for some wild turkey right now. Part of the reason they hired mcconaughey is that he knows how to reach their core demo. He said himself, millennials, and i know this for a fact, can okay, matt, that sounds like youve been soliciting millenials. Not cool, especially if youre doing it in a way that they can smell. But i interrupted myself reading your theory of millenials and solicitation. Wild turkey hasnt changed in all these years. Its totally authentic, and that appeals to millennials. Hes right. Millennials crave authenticity, almost as much as they crave commercials. Well, i will not be outauthenticked, even if i have to fake it. So matthew is promoting wild turkey, so i have singed on to write, direct, key grip, intern for, and Craft Service my own ad campaign for savage cock, 190proof grain alcohol. Yeah applause you all down with the cock . laughter if we millennialls hate anything, its solicitation. We dont take kindly to being told what to buy and who to buy it from. Its why we wear clothes that look like they were stolen from the grave of an irish immigrant. laughter and thats why we drink savage cock, 190proof grain alcohol because savage cock refuses to pander to us with things like smooth flavor and potability. Mmm, hashtag organdamage. cheers and applause just like you, savage cock has never watered itself down for mass appeal. Its always been the drink of american rebels and tastemakers. Thats what Davy Crockett drank, right before sticking his head up that raccoons butt. laughter those rebels were just like you they didnt care whether drinking savage cock was cool or so hoist a glass, my fellow 90s kids, to authenticity, to realness, and not falling for any cheap advertising gimmicks. But dont just take it from me. Listen to the talking toilet, party mouth. Surfs up, kids savage cock is dope stephen oh, party mouth oh, party mouth you are trending. Com so next time you take an your savage cock, 190proof grain alcohol please enjoy responsibly stephen well be right back with your deepest, darkest secrets. . . . applause well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like oh, i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. Thats why were there, with renters insurance, when things go wrong. But also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. State farm. Poor mouth breather. Allergies . Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than allergy medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. . Now Straight Talk wireless. Has more highspeed data than ever before. Were talking double the data for just 10 bucks more. Thats 10 gigs of highspeed data. To stream more video. And more music. More whatever you want all on americas largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. Choose from two great plans our unlimited plan with 5gb of highspeed data. . Why get your eyes checked the Old Fashioned way, when lenscrafters can digitally map them for you. Introducing clarifye, take a look at these bbq trophies best cracked pepper sauce. Most ribs eaten while calf roping. Yep, greatness deserves recognition. You got any trophies, cowboy . . Whoomp there it is . Uh, yeah. Well, uh, well theres this one. Best insurance mobile app . Yeah, two years in a row. Does that thing just follow you around . Like a little puppy the awardwinning geico app. Download it today. Put some distance between you and temptation with. Meta appetite control. Clinically proven to help reduce hunger between meals. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. You know, one of the things i love about being on tv is lawyers. The second thing i enjoy is something called midnight confessions, where i. cheers and applause open up to you about things that and sometimes i invite you guys to tweet your own confessions to me colbertlateshow, with the hashtag lateshowconfessions. And i am so touched by how candid and open youve been with me, tonight, id like to honor your gift by using them and not pay you. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen thanks. This is Stephen Colberts cheers and applause laughter now, for the record, im not sure any of these are technically sins. I didnt even do them, but im going to pretend i did, which is a lie, and as a catholic, i will feel guilty about that. laughter okay, ill be right back. . . . Forgive me audience. I tell people i have herpes, so they wont want to borrow my chapstick. Audience, when i was 15, i used to hide my porn mags in my step dads horse stables. Now if i smell hay, i think of boobs. Grammar in eulogies. When our kids were little, we referred to the Ice Cream Truck as the music truck so we didnt have to spend any money. Sometimes i text a friend how much they mean to me and copy and paste it to send all my other friends. I once made brownies and told my friends they were weed brownies and watched them get high. Sometimes i pretend i am a hobbit, just so i can have second breakfast. When asked to wave your hands in the air like you just dont i read the wikipedia articles of horror movies to pretend i have watched them because i am too scared. One time, i went through a Dunkin Donuts drivethrough and started talking to the garbage can instead of the speaker. Sometimes, audience, sometimes i pee in the shower. When im not even taking a shower. Forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen thank. If you feel you need forgiveness for something, tweet it to me with the hashtag lateshowconfessions. Well be right back with diane kruger. Me of us are serious, some thrive on comedy. Ive sailed upon the seven seas and stopped in every land, ive seen the wonders of the world not yet one common man. I know ten thousand women called jane and mary jane, ive not seen any two who really were the same. Mirror twins are different vers think quite different thoughts while lying side by side. I note the obvious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike. We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike. . It, marcus. Go get it. Coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1 cash back everywhere, every time. At places like the batting cages. . [ crowd cheers ] 2 back at Grocery Stores and now at wholesale clubs. And 3 back on gas. Which helped him give his players something extra. The cash rewards credit card from bank of america. More cash back for the things you buy most. The cash rewards credit card from bank of america. Nexium 24hr is now the 1 choice of doctors and pharmacists for complete protection all day and night make nexium 24hr your 1 choice. [bell rings] in third grade, i learned. We all make mistakes. But. Its all about how you fix em. Mistakes, theyre not so scary. One company won an award in all of these . Chevy. Ahhhh chevy chevrolet is the most awarded car company over the last two years. I love it im just going to stay in here, is that okay . This summer find your tag and get 16 of msrp cash back on select remaining 2016 vehicles in stock. Thats over 4,100 cash back on this all new 2016 chevy malibu. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight starred in national treasure, troy, and inglourious bastards. She now stars in the psychological thriller, disorder. Please welcome diane kruger. . Yeah diane . Hello. Stephen thank you for being here. Im so happy to be here. Im a huge fan. Stephen really . Im a huge fan, too. The the interesting thing about you, youre a big star in the United States, we know you from troy, inglourious bastards, national treasure. But in europe you probably cant walk down the street youre so i live part time in france and started out in france, actually, so ive done more french muchs than american. I just am coming back from france. I did a movie with katherine deneuve. You were born in germany and your career was in france. I started as a model, so i went to paris and lived there as a model. Stephen was that fun being educational. laughter . Stephen models are always supposed to be like, were living such a great life, even were not impressed by it. You know what i mean . Its supposed to be its the high life, its the glamour life. Just imagine being in a house with 16yearolds, an entire house of hot girls who are 16 living in a house without supervision. Stephen let me think about that. Exactly. During the commercial break. Stephen during commercial break, well think about it. Since ive got you here, you were having a beer backstage. I was. Stephen i was so jealous of you. I found out that theres a difference between american movie making and european movie making. You get to have a little bit of wine on serkt dont you . Its union law, believe it or not. I know. I mean, i dont know why its not here first of all, you only work 10 hours, 10 hours. Stephen 10 hours a day, thats it. Thats it. And you have lunchre its union law, whether you want it or not, there has to be a bottle of wine on each table. People like i heard about that, so i thought maybe wed have a little oh, thanks i would love a glass of rose. Stephen its a friday show and i figure why not. Stephen european. Do you like to drink. Stephen i love it, i do love it. So nice. Stephen especially right before the weekend. Lanka. Stephen its a nice life. It is, but it was a long trip back, you know,. Stephen there are actually some photos here of you in sri lanka. Thats you on a train in sri lanka. This is you making the universal im drinking out of a coconut face. And then this this youre using a lot of filters here. Are you new to instagram . laughter you know, its i need a stephen i like this one because this is you in whats this called. A tuktuk. I had to drive it in a commercial and it drives like a motorcycle, which i did not know how to drive, and that expression is me finally not killing somebody. Stephen i like the filter here. I think youre using the thumb filter up here. No, thats the owner of the tuktuk, who was so stressed out seek me drive. Stephen he was worried you you cant break like this. You have to pump it. Imagine youre driving a motorcycle youve never driven, and you have to pump to stop. Stephen were you ever worried you were going to drive it off a cliff or something . I was worried driving into the train. Stephen the train was right there. The train was coming and i was driving it across the train rails. Stephen heres to you surviving. I know. Stephen what were you commercializing over there . What were you advertising . Are you allowed to say . No. Stephen soma some weapons system or Something Like that . Let me ask you okay, mmm. Cheers. To friday. laughter thats really nice rose. Stephen that is, that is. You know, its owned by wrad pitt this. Stephen this . Im not kidding. Stephen were super fancy. I feel more handsome right away. laughter thats really nice. So brad and angelina own this. Yeah. They needed a little more money, do you hang out with fancy people . Do you have, like, a normal life when youre not being a fancy person on stage like now or doing your commercials with tuktuk. Describe a normal life. Stephen do you go to parties . I host you host a lot of parties . Stephen can i come to one of your parties . If you want to. Stephen where do they take place . At my house. Stephen where is that . Ill just you know what i mean . Is it in new york . Is it in los i get to pick. I love it. Stephen what . Its really nice. Its really not a normal life but its a great life. Stephen so congratulations. Let me ask you about europe for a second. Does europe have a version of donald trump . laughter . Yeah, better hair, um, they have marian lepen in ference. Stephen whats the name of their party, the front. It sounds so much better but its not. Stephen can you say donald trump with an accent . Donald trump. Is sounds better in french. It sounds like, you know, donald duck. Stephen donald duck. So you grew up speaking german. Do you speak french . Yes. Stephen and english professionally. Do you, like, use different accents at different times to project a different image . Like out in the world would you use alle. You know, like id like to try that. Let me try that. Ill start with that one, okay . Decide whether to use english, french or german accent for the following situations, okay . Okay. Stephen you get pulled over. Can i see your license or registration, please . Im sor sorry, i dont understand. Im not from the country. I didnt see the red light. Its worked before. Stephen its worked before. How about this . applause youre having trouble Getting Service at an electronics store. What the bleep i want the internet. Oh, my god. I just totally cursed oh, m