Boulevard, those of you in our studio audience are now aware is a dirty place. [ laughter ] pollution, cars and trucks, unclean superheroes roaming. We have hooters. Its disgusting. So yet even with all that unpleasantness, this hellhole we call hollywood is as fresh and crisp as the swiss alps compared to Rio De Janeiro right now. [ laughter ] jimmy i have not been there but ive been led to believe the air is unsafe to breathe and the water has just a hint of raw sewage. They say theres so much bacteria in the water its hard to tell if theyre hosting the olympics or a season of bachelor in paradise. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy on top of that you have the crime and the zika virus. These athletes should get a medal for making it back on the plane home. I mean, really. Ill tell you something, i miss through a dusty land. I love the olympics. I like to watch it. Also every four years i find out about a new place i dont ever want to go. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i have an important announcement for those traveling to rio or anywhere in the near future. The tsa is reminding passengers that batterrangs are not allowed on planes. If you dont know, e batterangs. This is from the tsas instagram account. Apparently so many people have been trying to take this on the plane the tsa felt compelled to speak out. There are more than a dozen photos of confiscated batterangs on the tsa account. Which is a very sexy account by the way. I dont know if they confiscated them from passengers on their way to comiccon or what. If you have a batterang, leave it at home with your mother, okay . [ laughter ] tsa security line because some bonehead tried to bring a batterang on the plane. I might have to use one of my collectible penguin umbrellas in his ass. I say the lines at the airport are already long enough. As your future Vice President , i dont just talk, i plan to do something. [ cheers and applause ] my podium, podiumbringers. My fellow americans. Summertime is a time when many of us go on vacation. Many of you are on vacation right now. Many you are on trips with your terrible children. And its difficult enough. These long lines at the airport, i dont know about you, but i dont like waiting in line. Do you like waiting in lines . [ audience no ] jimmy sorry we made you wait in a line to get in. If theres one thing americans can agree on we hate to wait in line. Transformed into lazy rivers. Thats right. [ cheers and applause ] when i am Vice President , instead of standing in line carrying your stuff, youll get in a tube, youll get a beer, and you and your luggage will float right through security. [ cheers and applause ] and yes, we will still have to take our shoes off. But now we will get to take our pants off too. [ cheers and applause ] not only is it a huge boost for morale, it will keep us safe. Have you ever seen a terrorist in a lazy river . I havent. A lazy river at the airport would allow us to do both of the things we love to do most. Being lazy, and peeing in a public place. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] as your Vice President , i will make that happen for you. Thank you you like that idea . Guillermo thats a great idea. Jimmy you like that . And he cant even swim. Hes willing to drown for this idea. You know, this is interesting and important to keep in mind when you are traveling. The odds of getting killed in a plane crash are 1 in 11 million. The odds of being killed in a car are 1 in 5,000. Its much more dangerous. Part of the reason is that most people driving cars and trucks arent professional drivers like Airline Pilots are. Some of the people on the an employee says she was on a break when she noticed a car in this space started moving slowly toward her. As the car inched closer, she assumed the driver maybe was somebody she knew who was messing with her. Until she saw this face in the drivers seat. The car crashed into the front of the building. The employee says a second dog in the passenger seat then pushed the car window down. Dogs can be your best friends. In this situation they can be your enemy too. Jimmy wow. Jimmy i think weve found our new bachelor. So true, dogs can be your enemies. I had a parakeet once tried to kill me with a steak knife. Speaking of vehicles careening out of control, according to multiple reports Donald TrumpsCampaign Staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the campaign. I dont blame him, who could have ever guessed he would do Something Like this . Hes usually so lowkey. [ laughter ] ordinarily after a candidate gets the nomination, typically he or she tries to pivot to the center to attract undecided voters. But this week alone, trump insulted the parents of a fallen soldier, he called Hillary Clinton the devil, and he kicked a baby out of a support rally. I havent seen anything like this since charlie sheens violent torpedo of truth tour. [ cheers and applause ] hes even picking fights with fellow republicans. He refused to endorse arizona senator john mccain, refused to endorse speaker of the house paul ryan in their upcoming primaries. Even though both of them endorsed him. Theres so much infighting. Its like the real housewives of orange face county. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the head of the Republican National committee, reince priebus, is said to be absolutely furious. They say he has not been this angry since he found out his name was reince priebus. [ laughter ] who spoke at the Republican National convention to endorse donald trump, claims that ever since that day, hes been blacklisted by hollywood. Of course antonios best known for finishing eighth place on dancing with the stars. But now he says the liberals who run show business dont want to work with him. I guess were supposed to believe that before the speech, the offers were pouring in . [ laughter ] how can you get blacklisted from something that didnt even have even heard Antonio Sabato jr. Was in was the three stooges movie. And in that movie, this is not a joke, put that up on the screen. He played handsome guy number one. They didnt even give him a name. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] now the work has dried up, i guess. Ill tell you something. Hes still handsome and hes still number one, nobody can take that away from him. Hillary clinton is still running for president which is easy to forget in the middle of this clint supporters had a fundraiser tonight at a Cyber Security convention in las vegas, which is all the proceeds will go toward teaching hillary how to use her email account. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] Hillary Clinton and donald trump have very different views on just about everything. Its a polarizing election. And they have almost no common ground. But i always wonder whether people are really paying attention to the issues or not. So for the most part, i think it doesnt matter what a candidate says, it matters to people which so to put this to the test we asked diehard members of team hillary if they agreed with some things hillary said. But the quotes, the things we asked about, were not from hillary, they were quotes from donald trump. But will these democrats agree with Hillary Donald trump . Lets find out. What did you think when Hillary Clinton said, i see improved relations with russia from a position of strength only is possible. I agree with hillary. Hillary clinton said, immigration is a privilege and we should not let anyone into this country who doesnt support our communities, all of our communities. Well, i virtually have to agree with that. Hillary said, in order to achieve the american dream, let people keep more money in their pockets and increase aftertax wages. Yes, okay. In order thats a great idea so that we can start to move everybody up and start moving and obviously runs fairly severe contrast to what donald trump is proposing . Absolutely. Many of her comments run in severe contrast to donald trump. What do you think of this quote from hillary. Theres nothing i love more than women but theyre really a lot different than portrayed, theyre far worse than men, far more aggressive, and boy can they be smart. I agree. Ive worked for 38 years at the hospital with women. Thats very accurate. You think thats a sharp contrast to her opponent . Absolutely. Hillary clinton said, i like the concof core, i think common core is a disaster. Well im an educator. Im a schoolteacher. I think common core is a disaster too. What do you think of this hillary quote, i have never seen a thin person drinking diet coke. Never seen a thin person drinking diet coke . Well, let me tell you something. Diet coke does not make you thin. You would say get rid of common core, keep the diet coke . Keep the diet coke. What do you think of this well, ive heard that a lot from a lot of politicians. Its all about the timing, isnt it . No, hey, shes for us now, yay ill take that as a win. What do you think of this quote from Hillary Clinton, while bette midler is an extremely unattractive woman i refuse to say that because i always insist on being politically correct. I am sure she never said that. [ cheers and applause ] youre right. I cant make any guarantees, im sorry about that. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats okay. That horrible woman, sues everyone. We have to take a break. When we come back, pokemon go is making a lot of trouble, and Britney Spears pulled a prank on me in the middle of the night, so stick around for a chance to see what i look like when i sleep, after this. [ cheers and applause ] . Flo [ ghost voice ] oooo [ laughs ] jaaaaamie, the name your price tool can show you Coverage Options to fit your budget. Tell me something i dont know oh ohhh she slimed me. Which i probably shouldve seen coming. [ laughs ] americans, i dont understand you. Always working on vacation. Always multitasking. [baby crying] always busy making something. But what has all this ambition ever gotten you . That youre the greatest nation in the world . Perfect for busy americans like us. [bark] do more, with the new galaxy note7. To win at the olympic games, Allyson Felix needs to be quicker than everybody. To win at home, she needs to be quicker than. Allyson chloe thats why Allyson Felix uses bounty. The quicker picker upper. Bounty is faster and 2x more absorbent. Bounty the quicker picker upper. [ school bell ringing ] ed. So we did but, the art room wasnt big enough. It only made sense to build a bigger school. And houses, offices, and a whole neighborhood. Turns out, you can do anything with crayons im just gonna take one small sip. Kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. Bloldly blended colas. Tmobiles coverage is unstoppable. Now get three countries for the price of one. Talk, text and surf in canada and mexico, just like the u. S. Calgary, cozumel, mexico city, montreal monday morning on the eyeopener, saving money by keeping foods fresher longer. The tricks in the kitchen to stop wasting groceries. Nd test text1 underline test text1 underline [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hello and welcome back. Hugh grant, nicky glazer, music from Miranda Lambert is all on the way. First, this is a troubling sign of our digital time. According to a new study published by the archives of sexual behavior journal which i get at my house, millennials, would rather go on the internet than have sex. Which going on the internet and having sex are two Different Things . I didnt realize that. Isnt that crazy . Imagine if we knew when we were teenagers one day there would be an invention that is better thats more interesting than sex. If the human race is going to survive, were going to have to invent a phone we can have sex with. Were going to have to start mating. But i blame pokemon for this, specifically squirtle. This obama go thing, its not letting up. Its not just kids playing it. This happened in washington, d. C. During an official state Department Press briefing. As the secretary said earlier today, though, and i think its an important reminder youre playing the pokemon thing right there arent you . Its an important reminder. We know this wont be easy, we recognize its a challenge. We still have to do. This is why we convene this important ministerial and will continue to work with our Coalition Partners to defeat daesh. Did you get one . Sorry about that. Jimmy you know what, its really his fault for having a snarlaps on his shoulder. People playing pokemon go have caused a number of incidents and accidents which makes sense, people walking while looking down at their phones, of course something is going to happen. To raise awareness of this to educate you with this cautionary pokemontage. Two teens shot while going on another mans property to play pokemon go. In oregon two brothers on the hunt found a loaded handgun. The game led to something much bigger, the body of a dead man. He kept right on playing even after he was stabbed. The app led players to a Halfway House for sex offenders. Men in california playing the game walked off a cliff. In a cave. The game led 15yearold autumn to cross a busy street in pittsburgh where she was hit by a car. Lane smith was at a poke stop when a copperhead bit him on the toe. Youre looking at a pokemon go player in bosnia. On his phone. Meters away from a sign warning of a minefield. Six people were playing a popular game when a man with a gun came up and demanded money. But one of the players was also armed and both of them opened William Wilcox followed the map to the nearest pokemon gym which happens to be the police station. The problem is, hes a known criminal and had a warrant out for his arrest. The pokemon go game led to a car crash in baltimore. The driver said he was playing pokemon behind the wheel before he slammed into a police cruiser. Thats what i get for playing this dumb [ bleep ]. Jimmy thats right. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its a sha wasnt around 15 years ago, we could have used it to find bin laden a lot sooner. [ laughter ] if you watch this show you know im a great lover of pranks. Mostly i like them when theyre on other people. But i can also appreciate when a good one is pulled on me. Last year for april fools, rihanna broke into my house and jumped on my bed and started singing in the middle of the night. Of course i changed the locks. Somehow its happened again. This time the culprit was another music superstar. Against me. They assembled a team of dancers and they marched them up to my bedroom in the middle of the night, and well, it went exactly like this. . Okay, so yeah, a surprise for jimmy. Were going to go wake him up and see what happens. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bye, jimmy jimmy thanks for coming by. Have a good day. What happened to my wife . You can go too. Kids are here, weve got to be quiet. Jimmy this is how you become part of the group. How are you doing . Hello. Jimmy wow. Look at this. Merry christmas. All right, well, thanks, everybody. Everyone back to las vegas. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thanks to Britney Spears. Her new album august 26th. I dont know why im giving her applause for that, i should be calling police on her. We have a good show. Music from Miranda Lambert. From comedy central, nikki glaser is here and well be right back with hugh grant. [ cheers and applause ] . Oh, okay. Well, how about this . Its just me with happy hands. It just means ill take it. Right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. . . Hey, is this our turn . Honey. Our turn . woman vo Great Adventures are still out there. Well find them in our subaru outback. avo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Get zero percent on select subaru models during the subaru a lot to love event, with nikki glaser on comedy central. The host of the program comedian nikki glaser is here. Then this is her new single. Its called . Vice . The return of Miranda Lambert to the samsung stage. [ cheers and applause ] you can see her tomorrow night at the Greek Theater in l. A. And friday night in irvine. Tomorrow, Morgan Freeman will be here, chef Steve Martorano is going to cook and well have music from young the giant. Our first guest tonight is the star of many memorable movies, weddings, funerals and dia. You name it. His latest with meryl streep is Florence Foster jenkins. It opens august 12th. Please say hello to hugh grant [ cheers and applause ] . Jimmy very nice to meet you. Very good to have you here. Its lovely to be here. Youre very welcoming. Thank you, thank you. Ive always wondered, are you if an english person, an english golfer, an english middleaged golfer thinks of kimmel, firstly of course they think of you. Very soon after that they think of that disgusting liqueur. Do you say liqueur or liquor . Jimmy we say liqueur. The really horrible ones you get after dinner. Drinks to be polite, yeah. The worst one in the world is kimmel. Jimmy yes. Its carroway seed flavored. Like an old vase of daffodils. Jimmy why do you say golfers though . Because they still make the stuff in holland, i think. Kimmel. Jimmy german. Its so disgusting, no one in the world drinks it except clubs in scotland. The last three really oldfashioned ones. The only ones, in fact, that your future president hasnt bought yet. [ laughter ] i love those places. They survive entirely, these little old men, on kimmel. Jimmy see . Its the only pleasure in life because Everything Else is banned. If you play golf or if youve been jimmy i play every once in a while. Ive never been to one of those really fancy clubs. You should. Jimmy i should . Its sort of fascinating. They banned women. They say, you can eat here but im afraid the lady will have to eat outside. Jimmy oh, really . Yeah, theres a little hatch youre supposed to feed your girlfriend through. [ laughter ] jimmy wow. If you do get in or go without your girlfriend, the