Im in no condition physically to be hosting anything other than a virus right now. Last night i hosted the emmys. And its weird [ cheers and applause ] weird to come back and do a regular show after doing a big thing like that. And nothing against you guys. But the audience last night was dressed much, much better. [ laughter ] there were no crocs. Anything. We went to bed very late last night. Last night i went to bed, also at the time it happened to be babe ruths career batting average, 3 42 was the time i went to bed. There was a party after the show so we stayed at a hotel but it had to be at work in the morning. Before bed i called down and i ask the for a wakeup call which is terrible, you have to find the phone, theres no snooze button. The phone rings, i pick it up. A chipper woman says, good morning, this is your wakeup call for 8 00. She said, its my pleasure. As im hanging up the phone im thinking, if it really is her pleasure to wake people up over and over again every day . Kind of a sick woman, right . [ laughter ] that said, if i was the person who made the wakeup calls at the hotel, id tape record every one of them. [ laughter ] guillermo, you might have to take over tonight. How late were you up last night . Guillermo 2 00 in the morning. Jimmy 2 00 in the morning. You left the party at what time . I left maybe like 1 45. [ laughter ] no, i mean 2 something. Jimmy okay. Guillermo im still drunk. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have to get our own mugs by the way. I still have the view mug, i mean really. I wanted to do something to get the crowd warmed up before the show so i invited three of the kids from the show Stranger Things, the netflix show, to theyre great singers. I figured id have them go onstage and sing to get things going. Somebody had to introduce them so i asked guillermo, go onstage, get everybody to quiet down, say here are the kids from Stranger Things doing the song uptown funk. This is behind the scenes video of how that went. How everybody, how you guys doing . Are you guys ready for the show . All right, guys. So shh keep it quiet. Stay in your seat, all right . Come on everybody. Get in your seat. Hi, eric. All right. Shh, keep it quiet, everybody. Please get in your seat, please. Okay. Shh, everybody. Please. Get in your seat, everybody. As soon as possible. The show is about to start. Please. Please, everybody. All right. All right, the show is about to start. But before it start, here are theyre going to sing, theyre going to perform for us the funk. Uptown funk. Lets watch and enjoy the show, kids [ cheers and applause ] jimmy he really knows how to clean out a room. Your wife came, did your wife have fun . Guillermo a lot of fun. Jimmy everybody had fun. It was much less stressful. This is my second time hosting the emmys. First time i was so nervous and excited, it went by like that. And it worked like a charm. [ laughter ] heres whats fun about the emmys. Last night i walked into this dinner after the show. The first thing i see is mr. Belding talking to charo. If you dont know who those people are, google them, you wont be disappointed. If you didnt watch the show, watching the football game, reliving the jonbenet case, the big winner was o. J. O. J. Had his best season its weird for people to clap. The people versus o. J. Simpson took home nine emmy awards. Best actor, actress, supporting actor, writing, best limited series. Even the ford bronco won best midsized Sport Utility vehicle. [ cheers and applause ] game of thrones had a good night. Won best drama, set the record for most emmys won by a series ever, 38 emmys. A bunch of the actors from game of thrones came to our party last night. I have to admit i got a little nervous. On game of thrones, when they have a party, people have a tendency to die violently. [ laughter ] nobody died. The most fun moment of the emmys for me was, this was something ive been planning for a couple of weeks. We were in a commercial break. We came back from commercial. I thought it would be funny to say, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome fourtime Emmy Award Winner dr. Bill cosby. Just to see what would happen. Well, heres what happened. Announcer ladies and gentlemen, fourtime emmy award jimmy thats what i was thinking might happen. [ cheers and applause ] you know, these award shows are long. With traffic it can take i think it took an hour and a half for a lot of the people to get there, an hour to get in with the red carpet, the show is three hours long and theres no food. You dont eat for five or six hours. I had my mom make Peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches for everyone, not as a joke, for sustenance, i knew people would be psyched. And jelly. During the commercial break you hear an announcement that says, we are about to serve Peanut Butter sandwiches. If you have an allergy to peanuts please avoid the sandwiches. Right. If youre allergic to peanuts, do not have peanuts. I dont know, im all for safety first, but if you cant figure that out for yourself . You might have bigger problems than being allergic to Peanut Butter. Everybody loved the sandwiches with one exception. You remember the naked supermodel who danced around in the blurred lines video . She apparently did not appreciate my mothers cooking. Do you want to try any of the Peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches . I had one too many bites. You did . I had two which i poorly made . Yeah. Jimmy how dare you attack my mothers cooking. [ audience booing ] its called food, maybe you should try some sometime. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats unacceptable. Now im in a food feud with emily ratatouille or whatever her name is. Im currently in a number of feuds. Matt damon, who tried to ruin the show last night. Maggie smith, who is on the show downton abbey. She wins the emmy almost every year, she never shows up to get it. I called her out. I told her if she wanted it, id leave it in the lost and found at the theater. She responded today on twitter. She wrote, i was very astonished and pleased to win the award. Direct me to the lost and found office i will try to be on the next flight. Love old maggie, she wrote. Well, i guess we can send it to her. [ cheers and applause ] we have a couple of real live emmy winners here on the program tonight. From the great new show designated survivor, Kiefer Sutherland is here. [ cheers and applause ] from last week tonight on john oliver is with us. [ cheers and applause ] john won the emmy for best talk show last night. In a way john and i both won the emmy for best talk show last night. In another more specific way only john won the emmy. Well find out what john and kiefer and everybody did after, no detail will be held back, dont worry. The iphone 7 came out friday which is a big deal and not just here in the United States. In fact, there was quite a bit of pomp and circumstance in [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy well, more circumstance than pomp but you understand. I have some sad news to report. If youre hoping to pick up one of those olive garden neverending pasta passes, theyre all sold out. All 21,000 passes priced at 100 apiece sold out in one second. And theyre now being resold on ebay for as much as 4,500 each. You know, if you buy this, you really should be kicked off your [ laughter ] the deal, if you dont know, you can eat all the pasta you want for a period of seven weeks. If you dont last the full seven weeks theyll dump the remainder of the pasta into your coffin and seal you up. By the way, if olive garden really treated people like family, they wouldnt charge them for food at all. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Hey, donald trump is still running for president. Even after all the jokes last slow donald down to half speed to really be able to savor his message. Weve done it again in tonights zika virus edition of drunk donald trump. [ tape playing very slowly ] i see a mosquito. Right now i dont like mosquitos too much. Get out of here, you mosquito. [ cheers and applause ] because im very selfabsorbed. We made a video that aired at start of the emmys involving actors from a number of nominated shows and also former republican candidate for president jeb bush made he was great, very high energy by the way. And of course when youre acting you dont always get it right on the first take. Here now are some of the many times we didnt get it right. I hate to call them bloopers because i think dick clark owns that word. Here are the boners and booboos were so pleased that youre hosting tonights academy awards. The emmys. The emmys, oh. Jimmy thats for the blooper reel. Let me out right here. Pull over. Okay, juice. My button just popped. My stomach is out. [ bleep ]. Hey, jimmy, im joking. Get out of this car. Youre supposed to leave. Arent you . Its jimmy kimmel. I think were about to make out. Huh . Got a smoke . Oh didnt go off. Dont do it again oh shaving . Shave that mug off your face shave that wig. Shave that wig off your face, you godless, shameless, stinking hippie . Wake me up before you gogo . . Dont want to listen . I forgot to sing. . Want to hear that high . . Yeah, yeah . I need to go to the hospital. Jeb exclamation p want to do it again . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey, look at this. John popper is here with us, everybody. When we come back, guillermo has all the emmy winners so come back, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] hahaha umhmmm hey nikki what are you doing here . You tell me, stephen. What . Im snapping. Youve been streaming my videos all morning. Now youre with this thing . 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Poured over ice and served with club soda and a fresh lemon wedge. To make a crisp refreshing jim beam apple and soda. Z247cz zy6z . Jimmy thats john popper. Still to come, Kiefer Sutherland, john oliver, music from die antwoord. I hope you watched the emmys. Most of tvs big stars were on hand and guillermo was back stage to get to know the nights winners the way no one else does. Not face to face. Back to back. How are you . Im great, how are you doing . Do you want to play a game . The real question. Just pull the red thing. Right there. Then you spin the wheel. Then you tell me where it landed and thats the question im going to ask you. Helmets. How many helmets do you have . I have one helmet. No, i have two helmets. I just bought a new helmet. Oh, okay. Are you wearing high heels . I am. Unfortunately, yes. Do your feet hurt . Do i fit who . Your feet. Y let me see your shoes. Oh my god. I have something for you. So they can match your emmys. Oh, yes, thank you. In my size as well. Mens 8. Womens 10, perfect. I cant wait to put them on currently right now. Fits like a glove. I hear you do a lot of voices. I do. Yeah, can you do one impression of me . A good voice of guillermo . A voice of guillermo . Like this . Its kind of good, right . It sounds kind of like you. Difference . Wow, youre doing such a great job. Thanks a lot. Yeah. You want to play a game with me . Sure. I have the wheel of questions. Just pull the red thing right there. And spin the wheel. Okay. Then when you land, thats the question im going to ask you. Okay. Its landed on money. On money . Do you like money . I love money. How much money do you have . Not a lot. Not a lot . Ha ha ha me you like margarita . We do like a margarita. Whos going to go first . Jordan . Do you want me to go first . Are you sure theres margarita inside of this . Its margarita, i swear, drink it. All right, ready . Do you want me to do it . I want you to do it. Its grossing me out. Mm, mm thats a cadillac. Thats a cadillac margarita. Grand marnier, thats good. Now let him do it. Hes doing it. No, i dont feel it. You feel the suction . No, suck it, i dont feel it. I made something just for you. Just for your mom. Okay . For my mom . For your mouth. For my mouth . Your mouth only. Only for my mouth . Hold on. Hold on . Bring it. Its the longest ive ever waited for something to come into my mouth. Ready . Yeah. Now, ready, suck it. Are you going to spit in this . Suck it . I mean drink it, sorry. Suck its better. Im going to suck it. More. Mm no, look, its not moving. More i havent sucked this hard in a long time. You know what, i think me and you can do this all night. Yeah. We really could. I dont have anywhere else to be. Me neither. Okay, great. How strong are you . Not strong at all. Like how im an english person, i i have a concave chest. Im going to give you a test. If you open this pickle jar, this jar of pickles youre giving me the Hillary Clinton test . Yeah. Yeah . Uhhuh. Can i open it . Ill see. Youve got to my hands are very greasy. Oh my god. Oh no. I cant open it. You won tonight . Its not strength based, is it, comedy. Its almost the opposite of that. It rewards the weak. Congratulations on your emmy. Thank you, baby. Can i give you some emmy juice . Whats emmy juice . Tequila. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right, here. Emmy juice. Mr. Robert. Thank you. Hey, remember when i was on jimmys show and you said, you whispered in my ear, i think youre going to win the emmy . Yeah. Then it happened. It happened. Cheers, guillermo. Cheers. Felicidadas. Love you, my man. I love you too. Can i give you a head massage . Yeah. Its cool, youre going to like it. Oh my god, you left. You want to play the wheel of questions . Yeah, lets do it. Pull the red thing over there. Okay. All right. Then spin it and it land and you tell me and i ask you that question. Hair. No, soup. Do you like soup . I love soup. Chicken soup with rice. Mine is clam chowder. Red or white . White. Eww. Cant do it. Thank you very much. Nothing . Nothing. What a cheapass. Did you say cheapass . No, i said congratulations on your emmy. [ laughter ] jimmy weve all had too much to drink. Thank you, guillermo. Tonight on the show, music from die antwoord, i john oliver is here, john popper is here, be right back [ cheers and applause ] . At mercedesbenz, we make every vehicle to be eyecatchingly beautiful. We make them to be exhilaratingly agile. And for the cla we also made it. For this. . The 2017 cla. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. [ . Diggy . By spencer ludwig] scalpel. I have no idea what im doing. Im just a tv doctor. I never went to college. scream i dont do blood. I can do more than just look the part. Is that a foot . We are the tv doctors of america. And were partnering with cigna to help save lives. By getting you to a real doctor for an annual checkup. So go, know, and take control of your health. Doctor poses. Cigna. Together, all the way. [ . Diggy . By spencer ludwig] . Jimmy great, john popper sitting in with the cletones. He wrote a book called suck and blow and other stories im thought supposed to tell. Salesmanship. Jimmy its the story where you came to my house to watch football and rowdy rob piper put my friend in the sleeper jimmy get this book, thats a really good story. Yes, ive never seen a live show. Jimmy later on this evening, hes the host of last week tonight for which he won an emmy, the very funny john oliver is here. [ cheers and applause ] then all the way from johannesburg. These guys are something to see. Their new album is die antwoord from the samsung stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, denzel Minnie Driver will join us. Music from usher. Later this week lupita new wong go, bill oreilly, music from jake owen, please join us for all of that. Emmy and golden globe winning actor, jack barr striking fear into tv terrorists, he played president tom kirkman in the new show designated survivor. Mr. President . Excuse me but i believe you have is that a fact . Yes. We have moved no such destroyers into the strait of hormuz. My Defense Department has war gamed this out. Theyre waiting for me to give them the green light which i assure you i will do unless you pull your destroyers back within the next three hours. Mr. President mr. Ambassador, you may not know much about me. What you should know is im about as straight a shooter as youre going to find in washington. You should believe me when i tell you that i do not want, as my first act as commander in chief, to attack iran. Jimmy designated survivor premieres wednesday night at 10 00 on abc. Please welcome Kiefer Sutherland [ cheers and applause ] . Jimmy very president ial. Jimmy we dont have mugs but we have hoodies. This is my bid to become your new sidekick. I dont want to take anything away from guillermo. Jimmy i can become your tv Vice President , maybe thats my only option here. [ cheers and applause ] you make the grade. Jimmy i saw your pilot its great. The show is really, really great. Thank you so much. Jimmy are you happy with it . Did you enjoy it . Im happy with it to the degree that i know what i did. But i dont normally watch the stuff i film. Jimmy you dont like to watch yourself . No, ive managed to make 216 episodes of 24 and i dont think ive watched a single one of them. Jimmy they were really good, you would like them. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thanks. Thank you. Jimmy wow. I dont watch them for two reasons. Theres not much i can do after the fact. Jimmy right. And when i w